Hanging out with an ex (who dumped me) again... Now what?

[counterpart]

Hi guys.

 

It's been over 4 months since my breakup and I can't stop thinking about my ex. It comes and goes in waves. Our 3 year relationship was good for the most part, but my ex suffers from untreated depression and social anxiety, and her self esteem is very low. This led to some misunderstandings, but the worst thing is that our (rarely serious, but still) conflicts often remained unresolved because she tends to "remove herself from the situation when angry, think it out and be fine later"... except it doesn't work like that in real life, now, does it? To complicate the issues further, she still lives with a very much overbearing mother who doesn't respect her privacy and treats her like a child. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm pretty sure that's the core issue in her life because her mother keeps convincing her that she's unable to take care of herself.

 

For better or worse, my ex ended up breaking up with me. We didn't speak for a while afterwards, but we are hanging out again and our hangouts are getting longer - we spend up to 5, even 6 hours together at a time. But since the core issue is still present, I'm trying to tread carefully.

 

It's very hard to tell what she wants from me, but I know that I've removed myself entirely from my past exes' lives when I was sure breaking up was the right thing to do. My ex, whom I really care about still, accepts my invitations for hanging out and frequently suggests something on her own. Last weekend, we went to see an art exhibition, had drinks afterwards and even went for a snack at the end. She even opened up about some of the issues bothering her and it was really nice to have a candid chat.

 

But sometimes, like last night, things will be different. We hung out with a good friend of hers who has been away for a while. This friend made some really good points about my ex's behaviour and suggested alternatives. Meanwhile, I felt super awkward because my ex seemed annoyed by my presence - she seemed snappy and clung to my passing comments, which makes me feel like the whole thing is a bad idea and I'm setting myself for disappointment. What makes me feel even weirder, this friend of hers invited me to come along with my ex for her birthday next weekend, but I have no idea if that's cool with my ex.

 

It's really hard to keep a level head right now and see things for what they are. I'm not sure if it's realistic to expect anything to happen between us again - sometimes I really feel like we're bonding and working towards reestablishing mutual trust, but then something like last night happens and I just feel like things will never be good between us again.

 

Furthermore, I understand that my ex has bigger issues than our relationship right now and that, if I want this to truly work if anything happens between us again, I have to take a back seat for now and let her deal with other aspects of her life first. But I'm not sure if there is any hope or if I'm just seeing things the way I wish for them to be.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you're seeing things and putting a lot of hope out there. The thing is though, that if she wanted to make things work she would do the things necessary in her own life to allow that to be possible.

 

Is she in counseling? Has she spoken to a doctor regarding medications? Has she been working on getting away from the control of her overbearing mother? If not, then you know how this ends.

 

The worst part of this though is not knowing if once she deals with her emotional and mental issues if you're even going to be the type of person she wants. Many people break their issues and realize that the person that they are seeing is someone who matched them when they were depressed/etc., but not the person that they want to be with now that they are more emotionally stable.

 

Again, you're projecting a lot of hope onto a very very uncertain situation. So many variables that are completely out of your control.

[counterpart]

She's currently wrapping up her degree (it will be over in about two weeks) and then she says she'll move out. But I'm not too convinced, really... although it's really what she has to do, she got defensive when her friend told her this same thing last night.

 

Honestly, I don't know what to think anymore. She told me the last time we spoke about "us" that she doesn't want a relationship right now, that she can't be in one. Meanwhile, she said she just wants distractions from her depression and that doesn't sound like someone who is set out to work on herself. It's really frustrating to hear it because I know it won't do her any good. But within the last year we were together, she gradually turned into this person I just don't recognize. It's as if, instead of appreciating my own confidence and enjoying the positive influence of it, she instead got jealous and set out to bring me down to her level, if that makes sense?

 

Her friend covered my concerns regarding her difficult relationship with her mother and the awfully counterproductive way she handles conflicts almost verbatim last night so I know it's not just me who sees this.

 

I understand that the odds not really stacked in my favour, but still... if she's sure she wants nothing to do with me anymore, how can I rationalize the fact that she still talks to me so frequently? If we're just a matter of the past, why does she invite me to concerts three months in the future? My biggest concern is that I may be wrong about her being a good person stuck in a bad situation... what if she's just a bad person stuck in a situation she's comfortable in, and I'm the village idiot for falling for her sob stories? :S

[Philosoraptor]

I understand that the odds not really stacked in my favour, but still... if she's sure she wants nothing to do with me anymore, how can I rationalize the fact that she still talks to me so frequently? If we're just a matter of the past, why does she invite me to concerts three months in the future? My biggest concern is that I may be wrong about her being a good person stuck in a bad situation... what if she's just a bad person stuck in a situation she's comfortable in, and I'm the village idiot for falling for her sob stories? :S

You need to do what is best for you. As she has said, she's looking for distractions from her depression. Just because the two of you are not in a relationship doesn't mean she wants to lose the distraction you may have gave, the prop you have been, or another ear to tell her sob stories to. Just because the relationship is a matter of the past doesn't mean that she wants you, the person that has supported her, to disappear all together.

 

I've supported a lot of people in my life through a lot of things, depression and otherwise. But you can't become a martyr for someone's unwillingness to fix what they know is wrong with them. Simply enabling them and showing there are no consequences for actions is doing nothing but showing them that they can do what they please. I've dropped people out of my life due to their unwillingness to take any type of action to make their own life better. I'm willing to support, but not put in all the effort. One can only offer the tools, you can't fix someone.

 

You need to do what you feel is best for your own emotional well being. If you feel that continuing to maintain contact is harming you, then you need to get out of the situation.

Edited February 4, 2014 by Philosoraptor

[counterpart]

Philosoraptor, you put this so nicely. I think that for me the most important thing is that she shows some genuine will to work on herself. Since I'm still emotionally invested in this, it's hard to willfully remove myself from the situation. I think I'll stick around to see if she really moves out and starts living on her own, or if that's just a smokescreen of sorts. I'll see how it goes from there.

 

We didn't have a bad relationship altogether, and it would have been even better if she clearly expressed when something bothered her instead of pretending it was all good and bottling it all up. There's no real use in hearing now how an innocent comment of mine hurt her years ago - and had she said something at the time, I would have made sure not to do it again.

 

And not to mention - if there comes a moment where someone else is in the picture, I'm out for good.

[CaliGuy]

Agree. She isn't good for you right now and vice versa. She needs counseling and help. Trying to "save her" isn't helping, trust me. Let the professionals work on her and keep your distance. Be there as a friend, not a confidant right now. She's confused, needs help and you'll only confuse her even more.

 

When she's healthy AND if she decides you are the right one, she'll tell you. In the meantime, BACK THE FRACK OFF.

[erklat]

Yes, I agree.

 

Staying friends with an ex is a total demise of a relationship.

 

Being ignored though it hurts hell of a world more, is a better pla ce to be.

 

It means that the relationship is on suspend as long as your proximity to them represents a threat to their emotional well being.

 

I hope this makes sense, it does to me now.

[counterpart]

This really does make sense. The only problem is that she's refusing to seek treatment. She said she's lived with depression for so long that she doesn't believe there is an alternative. It's really sad to hear, and it breaks my heart. It's even more frustrating that the demise of our relationship reads like a textbook example of a breakup over one's depression.

 

Therefore, I made a decision. Her birthday is coming soon so I did some research on books that may help her realize she needs help or at least a new approach to her situation. I picked a book, I'll give it to her for her birthday and say I hope she reads it and that she's welcome to contact me if she wishes to talk, but I'll be keeping my distance from then on... for better or worse.

 

I think Philosoraptor was right when he said that, as long as I'm available all the time, she has no incentive to change anything or take responsibility for her own actions.

[BC1980]

This really does make sense. The only problem is that she's refusing to seek treatment. She said she's lived with depression for so long that she doesn't believe there is an alternative. It's really sad to hear, and it breaks my heart. It's even more frustrating that the demise of our relationship reads like a textbook example of a breakup over one's depression.

 

Therefore, I made a decision. Her birthday is coming soon so I did some research on books that may help her realize she needs help or at least a new approach to her situation. I picked a book, I'll give it to her for her birthday and say I hope she reads it and that she's welcome to contact me if she wishes to talk, but I'll be keeping my distance from then on... for better or worse.

 

I think Philosoraptor was right when he said that, as long as I'm available all the time, she has no incentive to change anything or take responsibility for her own actions.

 

 

I don't think giving her the book is a good idea. People don't tend to react well to things like that. I'm sure she knows she needs help, but she will have to seek it on her own and for her own reasons Those reasons may or may not include you. I know your heart is in the right place, but she is an adult. She is more than capable of helping herself if she wants to.

[counterpart]

I did what you suggested and I stopped talking to my ex.

 

I just received a message from her, asking me if I want to go hiking with her. The reason hiking is significant is this - last year I really got into hiking and joined a hiking club. I loved it and I thought it would be great fun for us to go hiking together, but she wouldn't have any of it. She shot me down every time I suggested that we go hiking, there was always something she wanted to do instead, and when I'd about where I went, she'd just stop listening or change the subject.

 

And now she wants to go hiking? Seriously?