Worried I've scared boyfriend after serious talk?

[Lovecat16]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to talk to my boyfriend about this openly when I see him next, as we always promise each other to stay open about everything, but as this is such a sensitive subject and I want to tread lightly and not ruin anything, I'd be so grateful to hear some opinions!

 

My boyfriend is 22, I'm 21. He graduated university last year and is currently pursuing postgraduate studies. I'm a freelance designer and have gone back to studying part time recently too.

 

Brief background: My boyfriend and I were friends for 8 years before becoming a couple. We were always close, always had a spark and did have little things on and off over the years, but never properly got together, he moved away to uni, I had another boyfriend etc.

 

Anyway, we lost touch for a while when I was with my ex and my boyfriend was at University, but I broke up with my ex and eventually my now boyfriend moved back from Uni, we both contacted each other (scarily enough, literally at the same time - typical us) and the rest is history. We've been together 9 months now. It's been incredible. He is my true love and best friend. I know he's the one, I love him with all my heart and truly feel he feels the same way, it's pretty scary how alike we are really but also different in ways that allow us to see deeper into ourselves.

 

Our relationship has been a complete whirlwind and both fell for each other at the same speed and felt a deep connection.

 

I'm just worried as recently, well for quite a few months now I have literally had this bursting feeling inside of just knowing he is the one and the one I want to marry. I see him in my future 100%. It feels 100% right and it's been pretty difficult at times to not just blurt it all out.

 

He says I am his one and only, that he could never imagine himself with anyone else but me and wouldnt want to, he is what every girl wants in a boyfriend. His sister got married over Christmas, and it was pretty overwhelming really, and I guess it was an accumulation of months of feeling those things and having all the signs he does too but being a little afraid to bring them up in case it's just too soon.

 

But I stupidly said, in a tipsy state, "I think it's ridiculous when people are together for years and years and don't get married or engaged, I mean I even think sometimes a couple of years is too long, do you really need that long to know, to know whether that person is the one?" Even though I do believe in "knowing" if someone is right for you, I know being like that was completely rash and so many other factors come into it. I regretted it instantly. But my boyfriend openly told me it made him feel completely pressured, and I totally understand. We had a chat about it the other day and I apologized and said the drink made me rant a more exaggerated version of what I feel, and that is just that I dont feel it should take ages and ages to know if someone is the one you see a future with or not. I'm a strong believer in "you just know" He said he DOES know I'm the one for him and sees a future with me, and thinks about all those things too, but said "he feels his life is moving so fast" and feels scared. I totally and genuinely understand. He also said "he will be ready, just not yet". And we've only been together for 9 months, I know that, I just couldnt help but just KNOW, you know? And I know he feels the same, I just underestimated how daunting the idea of marriage is for a man I guess.

 

I've just been reading up about it and I know now that the seed is planted in his head. He's gonna think i'm obsessed with getting married, and yes, I do want to marry him, but the point is, ONLY him. I've never wanted to get married before, and because I love him, of course I will wait, it's just been hard for me to contain such a strong feeling.

 

I'm just worried now that he's gonna be constantly feeling that pressure and thinking about it. I genuinely think he will want to marry me. I'm also really scared that I've ruined a natural proposal - It's been playing on my mind and making me feel so down that now it might come more from feeling he has to rather than because it's 100% when he feels ready. I feel so stupid for bringing it up.

 

The only reason I haven't bought it up with him yet is because I'm scared of bringing it up again. I'm definitely not going to bring up anything like that again any time soon, just going to enjoy time with him and live in the present. I'm just so worried that how rash I was/what i've said is going to have an impact. Should I just be open and honest about how it's all totally cool and that I just want to go with the flow? I'm pretty confused.

[Janesays]

Yikes. You are both way too young to be talking marriage! Go for a trip around the world together. Enjoy being young and in love for awhile instead.

[Els]

Should I just be open and honest about how it's all totally cool and that I just want to go with the flow? I'm pretty confused.

 

Yes, this would be a good idea.

 

In all honesty, I'm worried that you think a year is enough for a 21 year old to be dating before marrying. Sure, a few have done that and had it work out, but in most cases it doesn't turn out well. 'Knowing' at 21 isn't the same as 'knowing' at 25 or 30. This is a potentially lifetime commitment you're talking about.

 

But don't worry about spooking him, really. It's fine to talk about it, IMO, as long as you make it clear that you're not expecting a proposal anytime soon.

[Lovecat16]

Thanks for the replies. I hear you both. I totally understand the seriousness of marriage and I completely accept I've just got carried away with how I feel - in my mind I completely agree that a year is just not long enough, of course not,and we're both so young. For the sake of our relationship I know deep down it wouldnt be right to rush into anything, and our relationship is very precious to both of us.

 

I think,looking back on my post I just really really wanted confirmation from him that he felt as strongly, you know? I've never felt like this, and it's been pretty powerful, and I don't think the hype of his sister's wedding helped.

 

Basically I think I just needed that reassurance that he felt as strongly as I do, marriage aside, all I really wanted was to just know we were both on the same page with how we felt and after the talk I know he is. I think just unfortunately the whole marriage thing just got caught up with it, I just worry that now he's going to freak out sometimes. Truthfully it's not even about marriage, I dont know how i'll feel in 3/4 years time, as much as I may think I do! Just what we have is so powerful and like I said I needed that confirmation he felt as strongly too. And I got it - just unfortunately I think I got it a bit tied up with marriage. And marriage is a whole different matter to love. Sure it's a legal and mature part of it, but I know what we need to focus on is just living our lives and enjoying our relationship.

 

I just hope you're right Elswyth! I do feel it's good to talk and if anything I will reassure him that I'm not expecting a proposal - hopefully then we'll just get on with our relationship and over time he'll understand I'm not obsessed with it haha.

 

Just feel so stupid, what does love do to us hey?

[Els]

It's great to hear you're looking at it so sensibly.

 

Why do you feel the need for reassurance? How does he treat you? Do his everyday actions demonstrate his love and commitment?

[oldshirt]

Dang girl, do you get this wrapped around the axle about everything???

 

You are fretting and agonizing over this waaaay too much. Knock it off.

 

I am all for people not being pussys and to say what they want. You did that. I'm ok with that. If he feels like you were "pressuring" him then he's the pussy and needs to toughen up and chill a bit.

 

Here's the thing though, you said it and so it's out there and he got your message. You DON'T NEED TO SAY ANYMORE ABOUT IT. that includes you don't need to apologize for it, you don't need to clarify it. You don't need to substantiate it or qualify it. Just go on about normal daily life and let it go.

 

Neither of you are in any position to be talking marriage yet. You may have an adult body with adult hormones and adult feelings, desires and life-goals, but you are still both "under construction" so to speak.

 

Your BF does not feel ready to discuss marriage and family etc etc at this stage in his life and he is completely correct and in the right for feeling that way.

 

When you are both out of school and are both starting your careers then it is fair game to discuss your future possibilities at that time. Untill then any discussions of marriage etc is out of bounds.

 

I'm with your BF on this one at this particular time.

 

Now however, if you come back a couple years from now and you are both out of school, both starting your caterers and both living independently as adults and he is still sitting on the fence saying he "doesn't know", then I will say he is the one just stringing you along and that you have the right to say put up or shut up.

 

If a guy has his education, has gainfully fulltime employment, has a means to support a wife and family, then yes, a year of steady, exclusive dating is plenty of time to know if his GF is the one or not.

 

Untill he has those this in place though, he is perfectly in his right to shut the conversation down and not even discuss it further.

 

You said your piece. It's out there now. Now drop the subject and go back to dating and getting to know each other and finishing your educations.

[d0nnivain]

Stop talking to him about this. 22 year old boys do not want to discuss marriage. Don't tell him you are OK with going with the flow. Just go with the flow. Men understand action. Words are meaningless.

 

 

Calm down. Enjoy your relationship & hush.

[oldshirt]

 

Here's the thing though, you said it and so it's out there and he got your message. You DON'T NEED TO SAY ANYMORE ABOUT IT. that includes you don't need to apologize for it, you don't need to clarify it. You don't need to substantiate it or qualify it. Just go on about normal daily life and let it go.

 

 

 

Your BF does not feel ready to discuss marriage and family etc etc at this stage in his life and he is completely correct and in the right at this time

 

 

 

 

 

 

You said your piece. It's out there now. Now drop the subject and go back to dating and getting to know each other and finishing your educations.

 

 

I just wanted to reemphasize the key points here ^^^^^^^^