If you think there isn't life after - - think again!!!!

[wannabdone]

Hi All!!

 

 

Like some others, I wanted to come on here, being that its a New Year, and with that always brings a promise of a new start.

 

 

For some of you that have been on here for a while, you know my story. For those of you that have not, the Cliff Notes read as the following:

 

10 years of being the OW to a man who I dearly loved with all my heart, who I believed (and still do) that he was my "soul mate". This man, who I loved so much, who was/is my soul mate, but there was one thing he was NOT, and that was MINE (although I and him as well, had convinced myself otherwise). 10 years filled with some moments of pure joy & love, and large & frequent moments of sadness, heart break, and emotional breakdowns. And most important, 10 years filled with CONSTANT worry & NO PEACE, every single day, even in the times of joy & love.

 

 

Worry that he wouldn't leave, worry that he wouldn't call, worry that he would fall back in love with his W, worry that he would realize he didn't love me, worry that I had said or did the wrong thing, worry that I wasn't fun enough that day, worry that I wasn't pretty enough that day, worry he was just using me & I was just a fool... WORRY, WORRY, WORRY - - NO PEACE, NO PEACE, NO PEACE.

 

 

This to me, HAD to work out with us living "happily ever after". I would dream of him and I getting married, his W (which would be his xW) would come to peace with the terms that he was in love with me, she would accept our relationship, and we could actually get along, if not for the children's sake. We would possibly have a baby together, I would be the step mom to his children, and they would grow to love me. We would grow old together, and be happy & blissful. Having money or material objects would not matter, because we would be together, and our love was stronger than anything money could buy. This HAD to work out, I mean I had left my H for this man, I hurt my child (deeply) by separating his parents, I broke every single rule and moral code I had for myself by having a relationship with someone M, I was a smart, driven, successful woman, with a good head on her shoulders, I wouldn't throw everything out the window, and stay in something this long, unless it was meant to be, RIGHT????!!!! I had always been a great judge of character, one that could spot a rotten apple immediately. So there is no way I could have misjudged anything in this circumstance, RIGHT????!!!!!

 

 

And speaking of judging character, and having the ability to read a situation faster than most (almost sometimes a little creepy the knack I have to do this)... Its something I would say I was actually 99% correct on, after all it was what made me so successful in my career. So certainly there is no way I could have misread the characters of any of the parties involved... NOPE! I had it all figured out. See it wasn't my xMM that was wanting to stay, no not at all. It was his W that was behind all of it. She would do anything to get him to stay with her. And I mean ANYTHING. Spend all their money, until they were broke - - 1 reason of 1,000 that he could not "make the move" or "pull the trigger". Have MULTIPLE children, so he was tied to staying, both emotionally & financially. Never work to help the family out, leaving all the burden on him. CONSTANTLY manipulating him & their children, to get him to feel guilty enough to not leave. This "evil" woman, who didn't love him, the same woman who NEVER & I mean NEVER had sex with him, who NEVER forgave him for anything and held grudges, who laughed at him, mocked him, and was out and out awful. SHE was the reason for him having to stay, time and time again. I mean after all, he wanted the 12+ D days to happen, so she would hopefully finally stop, so he, a grown man, could leave.

 

 

Well kids, I know we hear time again & again, of this little thing called the "A-fog", although I absolutely despise this term, there is something to it. I think a lot of people use it improperly, in my opinion. They use it in the description of, when your in this said fog, you THINK you love someone, but once you go NC, and get out of the fog, you will realize that you never loved the other party, that it was all a bunch of hype that your mind & heart created. You will just realize it nothing more or less than a crack habit, and I am sure there are some A's that are just that, and they do wake up at one point and realize it was never love. But for others, that isn't the case. So, that isn't really the way I see the fog, I see it more as the term as "you can't see the forest, because of the tree's". The forest is still there, and you are seeing some of it, but you aren't seeing the entire picture, the entire group of trees. See, what I didn't realize is that although I was smart & had keen instincts of judging situations, my intelligence & instincts had been skewed, because my heart over took my thoughts. I started thinking with my heart, and stopped with my head. I started thinking what it was my heart so desperately wanted. Therefore, I believed every single thing he told me. Why? I wanted to believe it. All of the times he would tell me he was "mine" because his heart was mine, all the times he told me he wanted to leave, but it was her and manipulation that MADE him stay, all the times he told me that they NEVER had sex, nor did they have a loving relationship at all, and the list goes on and on. I believe and hung on every single word.

 

 

Looking back now, I see all the inconsistencies, all the lies, all the truths, EVERYTHING clearly. I also (MOST IMPORTANTLY) see how my actions played into this, and how I created the most non-peaceful time of my life. Just as HE chose to stay in his M, time & time again, I chose to stay in the A. I'm a big girl, I made my own choices. Now, I am sure his W did her fair share of manipulation, etc to get him to stay, but he still was a big boy and could have left, IF he really wanted to. Just like I could have left the A years ago, IF I really wanted to.

 

 

So now, 2 years post A, here is where I am. I see my decisions, my lies, my truths. I see his and even his W lies & truths. I haven't had closure, I never will. I had to stop driving myself crazy with the thought process I had to have closure, and just accepted I wouldn't. I have accepted there are a lot of things I will NEVER understand, why??? Because an A is insanity, and you just can't understand crazy. I loved him, I still do, I always will. He was/is my soul mate, but just because someone is your soul mate does not mean you will be together, nor does it mean that there is only one soul mate you will have. I know he did love me, but more than he loved me, he loved something else. I assume himself. But, that is his problem, not mine. I spent way too much of my time making his problems, mine. I can't and won't give him anymore of my time to his problems.

 

 

2 years post, although yes, I still love him, and yes, I still miss him, guess I always in some way will. I no longer miss myself. I have myself back, and I will tell you, that is WONDERFUL. I have peace & am happy. I took my lessons I learned and became a better and stronger person. I'm not bitter or sad, I am thankful for the positives I can take away from this experience. I think of him daily , not as much as I used to, but he does cross my mind. There are no more tears. There is no more worry, no more doubt. I am a stronger & better version, with much more compassion for others, than I was pre-A. There is no more guessing, or questioning or wondering everyday, my life is mine, my life is complete and peaceful. MY LIFE IS WONDERFUL.

 

 

I say OW for me, now stands for my OWN WOMAN.

 

 

So, trust me... I would have NEVER thought it possible, THERE IS LIFE, GOOD LIFE, GREAT LIFE, after the A.

 

 

Just remember, you can't lose anything you never had. All you have is you, go get it back!!!!!!!!

Edited January 8, 2014 by wannabdone
wrong word used, would have totally changed what I was saying.

[PeacockGirl]

 

 

So, trust me... I would have NEVER thought it possible, THERE IS LIFE, GOOD LIFE, GREAT LIFE, after the A.

 

 

Just remember, you can't lose anything you never had. All you have is you, go get it back!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you

 

...all I want is my life back. The life I know I deserve. One day to know all will be well again and I'll be able to be happy and love again. This does give me hope. Thank you

[blue963]

Thanks....so nice to hear something positive like this. Congratulations OW.

[sunburned]

Thanks for a great post. Goes to show it's never too late to learn or to leave! Your experience illustrates another important point. The amount of time you have known someone is not indicative of how well you know someone. The best "judge of character" is no match for the best liar.

 

Thanks again for thinking to share your transformation with your friends (old and new) at Love Shack!

[veryhappy]

I could probably write the same thing at some point in my future, including the view on affair fog. It's probably the story of many women here. It felt like it had to work and we got caught in our feelings.

 

Did you miss having another child because of all this or was that something that you would have done only with him?

[SunsetRed]

Possibly the best pro recovery post EVER! If you're not a therapist or counselor, you should be one!

[Scott Thomas]

How's the relationship with your child?

[SunsetRed]

So how did it finally end, if you don't mind me asking? Ten years is a long time.

[wannabdone]

I could probably write the same thing at some point in my future, including the view on affair fog. It's probably the story of many women here. It felt like it had to work and we got caught in our feelings.

 

Did you miss having another child because of all this or was that something that you would have done only with him?

 

 

 

Honestly, it would have been only something I would have only done with him. But, there are many other things I missed out on, I feel. I often wonder if I would have never done this, or at least cut it off much earlier, would I have been able to meet someone else, and be happy with them?? - - and maybe would have wanted more children with them. Idk, I definitely know it was a lot of time lost.

[wannabdone]

Possibly the best pro recovery post EVER! If you're not a therapist or counselor, you should be one!

 

 

 

 

 

LOL... Thank you. I'm not. BUT, I have had MUCH time of self reflection & research.

[wannabdone]

How's the relationship with your child?

 

 

It is okay. I spent many years not being the mother I should have been. My emotions & time spent thinking about another man. So, I feel like I'm trying to rebuild & make up for lost time. I am fortunate to have a great son. I have been adult enough to admit my mistakes I made to him, and his life, and sincerely apologize for them.

 

 

However, no matter how much I have admitted my mistakes and apologized, and have tried to make up for time, it doesn't take away the hurt & the 10 years "lost".

 

 

He was a little boy when this started, and is now about to grad from HS. That makes me sad.

[wannabdone]

So how did it finally end, if you don't mind me asking? Ten years is a long time.

 

 

 

I don't mind you asking at all. How it ended, was very much the way that you see on these posts, time & time again. He just went MIA. He had done this SEVERAL times over the years, she would find out, there would be a D-day, and then he would go into "hiding". This is what happened this time, the only difference with this one, was how I decided to handle things, really.

 

 

I had been out of town on business, we had spoke that day, everything seemed "okay". Then he just stopped replying one evening. I heard nothing from him the next day, after a couple of days of silence, I sent him a message saying "well, I guess we are doing the VERY thing you PROMISED you would NEVER do again. I will just chalk it up to ANOTHER broken promise". He replied with "its not you, I love you. I will have to tell you later". And that was it. Silence.

 

 

Now in the past, I would have reached out saying "well???!!!", or "whats going on???". But this time I didn't. As much as I always said I wanted to be done with this, or I was worth more, I never really lived what I was saying. I was really no better than him... all talk, no do.

 

 

Just as in the past, he popped up a few months later... driving by my house, checking one of my social media sites, and again, totally different than before, I never reached out. never sent a message saying "why are you driving by my house, etc". I made a decision that I am worth fighting for, and him cowardly driving by, or checking a social media site were I knew he was searching for me, just wasn't enough. So I have just never acknowledged it.

 

 

I also did change my cell phone number & email address. And not because of him, had a change in employment, so he doesn't have that address either. So changes in my life, combined with me knowing my worth, is what got us to the point of 2 years with NC. I know I could get ahold of him somehow, and it could go back to what it was, but I had to decide if that is what I really want, down deep. As much as I have my times where I miss him, and although I still do love him, I don't want to be someone's 2nd, I want to be someone's everything.

 

 

It is disheartening I never had closure on such a long, and deep love, but like I say time & time again, it just is what it is. I just have to accept that I won't have it, or have any real closure. And his problems, aren't mine, any more.

 

 

Hope that helps!

[veryhappy]

Thinking back, do you regret divorcing your H? Knowing what you know now, would you give that M more time or energy?

 

How exactly did you lose the time with your son/ waste that time you consider lost? What part of it was caused by the A and what about the effects of the divorce? How much was your son aware or knew of this other man?

 

If the answer is in your older posts, just let me know to look them up. Sometimes it's irritating to have to write the same thing over and over again.

[XenoMouse]

10 years filled with some moments of pure joy & love, and large & frequent moments of sadness, heart break, and emotional breakdowns. And most important, 10 years filled with CONSTANT worry & NO PEACE, every single day, even in the times of joy & love.

 

 

Worry that he wouldn't leave, worry that he wouldn't call, worry that he would fall back in love with his W, worry that he would realize he didn't love me, worry that I had said or did the wrong thing, worry that I wasn't fun enough that day, worry that I wasn't pretty enough that day, worry he was just using me & I was just a fool... WORRY, WORRY, WORRY - - NO PEACE, NO PEACE, NO PEACE.

 

what an amazing post! my A only lasted about a year but the feelings of worry worry worry and no peace were constant. I tried everything from journaling to meditating and nothing ever worked i was constantly confused and stressed. Stressed from wondering if things were tilting in my balance, how so, how to make it so, and stress from wondering what was going to happen next. Also as you said stressed that i wasn't doing or saying the right things, that i was pushing her away etc etc...all of this lead me to roll over and act like somebody that i didnt even recognize, essentially a puppy dog trying to make all the right moves and never standing up to the ridiculousness of what was happening. And all the while stressed because i chose to allow my heart to be so heavily involved in something that i had absolutely no control over.

 

 

I honestly don't know how you managed to do it for 10 years. Your post was incredibly insightful and helpful. It feels so good to know that others have gone thru this same experience and how much it really affects us.

Edited January 13, 2014 by XenoMouse

[wannabdone]

Thinking back, do you regret divorcing your H? Knowing what you know now, would you give that M more time or energy?

 

How exactly did you lose the time with your son/ waste that time you consider lost? What part of it was caused by the A and what about the effects of the divorce? How much was your son aware or knew of this other man?

 

If the answer is in your older posts, just let me know to look them up. Sometimes it's irritating to have to write the same thing over and over again.

 

 

 

I don't mind writing things over & over. Plus, sometimes its difficult to locate the post that best helps you & your situation.

 

 

I will attempt to answer all of your questions, if you have any more, feel free to ask. I want to help others out in anyway that I can.

 

 

To your first question; if I regret divorcing my xH, knowing what I know now. Well, that is tricky. I guess it would be two fold. Of yes & no.

 

 

Yes, because of the things I learned through out this experience. See, I realized that you can love someone, not be in love with them necessarily, and really love the comfort of your life much more than you do them. Also, although many ppl do not like to admit this , nor hear this - - you can simply put, marry the wrong person. This doesn't mean the person you married isn't a perfectly lovely person, and isn't a "bad" person.

 

 

When some of us marry, especially at a younger age or maybe even an older age, but at a immature point in our life - - I believe we, of course, marry based off of the life lived, our maturity level, & circumstances. For me, when I was dating my xH in college, I was "crazy" about him. He was handsome & smart, came from a good family - - all of the things I had looked for in guys I had dated. BUT, although I had dated other guys with these qualities as well, I had learned that these weren't just the ones I was looking for in a mate. After experiencing some idiots that all were handsome, smart & from good families through my HS and college years, I had learned that I also wanted someone that was driven, honest & hardworking. THESE were qualities that others before had not had. My xH fit all of these qualities as well. Here is were my part of finding a mate, feel under the "life lived" category.

 

 

My xH, also grounded me. I was mid way through college, and I felt like he gave me more "structure" than other guys I dated, and I seemed more driven to take on growing up & becoming an adult. At this point in my life, I felt like this is what I needed - - therefore, he must be what I needed. here is the part I am saying about the "circumstances" portion comes in on picking a mate.

 

 

Now, after having this A, I realize what on top of the other qualities (which, I should add just seem like they are a given, when we get to a certain point in our lives, we don't usually even frequent places that have others who are jobless, etc - - but being young, those become qualities) - - there are so much more deeper things that I need to have a successful relationship. Communication, love languages, to name a few. Picking a mate prior to having the in depth look as to what I need, is part of the "life experiences" portion, that I lacked when I was younger.

 

 

My xH is a good man. We were a "normal couple". We fought, not a lot. he didn't scream or belittle me, he didn't hit or abuse me. We dated for a few years, and then married right after college graduation. With in a year of M, we had our son. Normal life got in the way of our relationship - - kids, work, bills - - you know, the same thing we always hear. BUT, the fact that I had not married the RIGHT person for me, the one that gave me all of the things I so desperately needed, (and didn't even know I did), well it made all the normal things that happen to each marriage, devastating to my marriage.

 

 

So, no - - no regret as far as I know in the deepest part of my soul, that although my xH is a good man, and I could have had a "fine" life - - he wasn't the right one for me.

 

 

Now, the other part of regret - - Yes, I wish I would have given it a bit more time. Tried to see if we could learn together how to be in a great relationship. Although I know that he would not have been able to be that person I needed, I do wish I would have given it the opportunity to give it a chance. I ended it VERY quickly, and for that I regret. I of course regret hurting him & my son. But I was trying to end it as fast as possible, so he would not be hurt any further.

 

 

I know, and most certainly understand how a lot of BS's don't want to hear that their spouses might have married the wrong person. That would be very painful to hear. But I think if ppl could understand and put it in the perspective of what it really is, it makes a lot of sense, that there are a lot of folks (not all) that have done this very thing.

 

 

It might sound harsh, but I give the example of buying a home. Buying your first home, can offer many mistakes. You might not get the best deal or financing, your style might change later on & you find the home you once chose isn't aesthetically appealing to you, your lifestyle changes and you find your space doesn't suit you, the list can go on & on. This is why a lot of times the home we first purchase in our days of being "wet behind the years" isn't often times the one we end up going "toe up" in. We simply are equipped to make such a well rounded decision, with out having prior knowledge or being able to think ahead, I mean truly think ahead. Its the same thing to me, its a huge decision, and one that shouldn't be made until you are at an age & maturity that accommodates such a decision.

 

 

Moving on to the next question: time wasted. Well, so much time was wasted by me having an A, all due to what we read time & time again in these posts. - - these things have an amazing ability of taking any focus off of anything other than the OW/OM. What is he doing? Is he with her? Are they having fun? Is he thinking of me? did I say the right thing? Did I say the wrong thing? Was I funny? Was I pretty? will he call? and it goes on and on and on. Often we will read how jobs will be lost, of course friends and relationships go by the waste side - - all due to that the AP is so caught up in the drama & emotion of the A. We see it then as that it must be real love, because NOTHING has ever taken over us like this. It very well might be real love, but it is wrapped up with a bunch of insanity with it. So just like jobs, relationships & all else - - motherhood can be lost to a point. I found myself not being the mom I once was, and honestly at times, really not a mother at all. Because my focus (good or bad / happy times or sad times) were on the OM, and not on my child. I can't count how many I probably laid in bed, sobbing, because the OM had went NC - - or how I would put off doing things with my son, because the OM MIGHT have 5 minutes at some point to see me that evening. PITIFUL!! I am ashamed of myself. But its just the 100% truth of what this can do to you.

 

 

As far as the knowledge my son knows of the OM - - I have, now that he is older, told him some. Not everything - - but explained to him how I figured out what I explained above, about picking a mate. And how important it is for him to wait and find the perfect person for him. I also have explained some of why my head was up my $$$ for so many years. I hope that just like I can do here, I can use my experiences, both good and bad to help my son, and hopefully he will not make even half of the mistakes I did.

 

 

I hope this helps. And again, please ask as many questions as you want. I really do not mind.

[wannabdone]

what an amazing post! my A only lasted about a year but the feelings of worry worry worry and no peace were constant. I tried everything from journaling to meditating and nothing ever worked i was constantly confused and stressed. Stressed from wondering if things were tilting in my balance, how so, how to make it so, and stress from wondering what was going to happen next. Also as you said stressed that i wasn't doing or saying the right things, that i was pushing her away etc etc...all of this lead me to roll over and act like somebody that i didnt even recognize, essentially a puppy dog trying to make all the right moves and never standing up to the ridiculousness of what was happening. And all the while stressed because i chose to allow my heart to be so heavily involved in something that i had absolutely no control over.

 

 

I honestly don't know how you managed to do it for 10 years. Your post was incredibly insightful and helpful. It feels so good to know that others have gone thru this same experience and how much it really affects us.

 

 

 

I am glad you found it helpful!!! You know, I have NO CLUE how I did it for so long. I think it was just one of those things were, time got away from me, honestly.

 

 

Its amazing how it can totally change a person. I'm glad you are find control in your life!!!

[wannabdone]

I am happy for you, but this is all rather subjective. I agree with what you did and I am glad that someone is able to get themselves out of this sh....t but I cannot sadly, apply it to myself.

 

 

 

Oh course its subjective, its my story. Doesn't mean that "one size fits all". But there is always light at the end of the tunnel - - no matter which tunnel you are in.

[wannabdone]

I must be facing the wrong way then .

 

 

 

Maybe you are for now. TRUST ME, I was facing the wrong way for YEARS. I sincerely thought I would never get out, nor did I really want to. I said I did, but I only said that to save face, and not look like such a lunatic (like I was).

 

 

Just remember, to each their own. Some of us take longer, and our journey is different than others. You will get there. Keep your head up!!

[veryhappy]

Thank you for answering my questions. I wish you a great relationship with your son.

 

I think women are more aware in general and know when a R doesnt work for them anymore. You know without having tried to (the famous) work on it, that your M was fine, but not exactly where you wanted to be. I believe men are less particular and if there's enough meat on the bones thrown at them, they see themselves as happy. More adaptable maybe and not so particular about what they want. If they want sex, bottom line either woman will do. For women it's just not that easy and not the same thing.

[Haydn]

Yes this is subjective, but i am happy for you. I just hate the part that you still love him........

 

 

 

2 years post, although yes, I still love him, and yes, I still miss him, guess I always in some way will. I no longer miss myself. I have myself back, and I will tell you, that is WONDERFUL. I have peace & am happy. I took my lessons I learned and became a better and stronger person. I'm not bitter or sad, I am thankful for the positives I can take away from this experience. I think of him daily , not as much as I used to, but he does cross my mind. There are no more tears. There is no more worry, no more doubt. I am a stronger & better version, with much more compassion for others, than I was pre-A. There is no more guessing, or questioning or wondering everyday, my life is mine, my life is complete and peaceful. MY LIFE IS WONDERFUL.

[Appreciate]

Sounds like you had the one you didn't want and couldn't have the one you wanted.

 

You seem happy and overjoyed to be your own woman now. Newfound freedom can be overjoyous.

 

I think it's great you've realized many things about yourself and it's unfortunate you feel that you neglected your son through the affair years.

 

Some harshness coming now, sorry..

 

A ten year affair is a very long relationship, but it's not a marriage. You never had to do the daily routine with your soulmate, be challenged and tested with running a household and family with MM, or go through all the different stages of real partnered love with him. So in reality, you don't know if he was the right one for you since it was never tested.

 

You made the critique of your MM that he's probably in love with himself. I think outside observers could make the same critique of you. It's a bit ironic. I'm not slamming you for living unconventionally, but I do see two people who resonate with each other because they are both, well, very selfish to a large extent. You put your yourselves above your families. Probably neither of you was meant for marriage, neither to each other nor your spouses. Sorry, but I don't see what wisdom there is in all of this, only that there is some light of the tunnel for others who are getting tired of the illusions and broken promises.

[psm04]

 

Worry that he wouldn't leave, worry that he wouldn't call, worry that he would fall back in love with his W, worry that he would realize he didn't love me, worry that I had said or did the wrong thing, worry that I wasn't fun enough that day, worry that I wasn't pretty enough that day, worry he was just using me & I was just a fool... WORRY, WORRY, WORRY - - NO PEACE, NO PEACE, NO PEACE.

 

I had to stop driving myself crazy with the thought process I had to have closure, and just accepted I wouldn't. I have accepted there are a lot of things I will NEVER understand, why??? Because an A is insanity, and you just can't understand crazy.

 

I no longer miss myself. I have myself back, and I will tell you, that is WONDERFUL.

 

The above parts really spoke to me. Especially the part about not expecting closure. I have also realized that, and I'm OK with not wanting to know certain things.

 

I don't completely have myself back yet since I'm freshly out of the A, but I already feel better. My 'boring' secure life with my H feels like heaven right now. No more drama, no more lies, secrets, feeling used.... Oh, and I no longer feel the need to "stay friends". He and I are not and will never be friends. Especially since he has been a complete insensitive d**k over the last few weeks, with his attempts at provoking a reaction from me

 

Thank you for writing this.