separated- my choice but have i done the right thing? Confused and depressed!

[blinky200400]

I really just need some advice. nowhere to turn. myself and my husband have been together 6 yrs and married for 3 yrs. we seperated 3 months ago as i admitted to him that i no longer feel any sexual attraction towards him. he felt he could not stay in a marriage where i did not want sex, understandably. i do not understand why i feel this way and wish more than anything i could get it back. My husband is a good looking and lovely man who treats me well and he is my best friend. For a long time i pushed how i was feeling to the back of my mind and blamed it on other stuff (we had to have IVF which was stressful, then i was pregnant, then just had my baby.) well, my little girl is one now and also i realise i felt this way long before these things happened, maybe even before i was married!

 

My husband is understanding about how i feel but i really feel that i will not get this "spark" back and i cannot live in a marriage where i am seeing sex as a "chore" and my husband could not live without sex BUT i miss him so much. He knows how depressed i feel and is so good to me. when he comes over we will cuddle up on the settee to watch tv and hug each other hello and goodbye. i dont know if he is staying so close because he hopes we will get back and i like the fact we are close but at the same time we are not really "moving on" (it is impossible to really "move on" when u have got a baby to consider too).

 

I keep crying cause i feel i have just f***ed everything up. I wanted to do this while my daughter was young enough for it not to afect her so badly but i feel guilty for doing this to her too. I feel so lonely but feel guilty cause i love my daughter so much and i shouldnt feel sad when i have got her.

 

ok i am babbling now but its just so good to try and get down how i am feeling.

have i done the right thing? Will things start to feel better soon? Please help!

 

blinky

[Devildog]

So your husband is a wonderful husband, father and man, correct? The separation is due to you no longer feeling sexually attracted to him? Do you feel that attraction to other men?

 

It isn't unheard of for women to have a decreased sex drive after giving birth, but if you felt that way before you got pregnant it would seem there are other factors to consider as well. You also might be depressed that you were unable to get pregnant naturally. You might feel like a sexual failure since you required IVF to get pregnant.

 

Do you have a history of sexual abuse? Raped or molested as a child? These kinds of things could cause you to view sex as "dirty" and make your sex drive diminished.

 

Did you possibly cheat on your husband and now feel guilty about having sex with him?

 

I think the best advice I can give, if your marriage was a good one outside of the lack of sexual desire, is to seek some sort of Individual counselling and try to get to the root of why it is you don't feel that way towards your husband.

[blinky200400]

thanks devildog for replying so fast. so much easier to talk to people not IRL. Thays the thing, i do feel attracted to other people. At the moment i do not want any involvement with anyone else cause my head just feels too f***ed up for that but i do look at other guys and feel what i should be feeling for my husband. I also do not want involvement with anyone else cause i do not feel it is fair to introduce someone else into my daughters life. She is number one and comes before anything.

 

To answer your question, i can understand why u may ask but i have absolutely no history of any abuse of any kind. My parents are still together after 30 odd years of marriage and i have always looked up to this ideal.

I did have a brief "encounter" with someone at the beginning of our marriage of which i am hugely ashamed but i do not feel this has anything to do with how i am feeling (except to say that i wasnt feeling the way i should even back then.) You know IVF was very stressful but again i think i was feeling this way before this.

 

I have thought about counselling but part of me thinks no one is gonna be able to change my feelings. if we had a "problem" such as communicating or arguing about something it would be different but no matter how much i talk i cant see a professional bringing that spark back. I hate feeling so pathetic - i like being in control of my feelings but i feel so much resentment at the moment - when i see families with married couples, when i see pregnant women (very much want another child now too - were planning to try once little girl turned one).

 

Anyway, thankyou for responding. I think i have done the right thing (thugh i change my mind by the minute) Im afraid if we did get back together i would be back in this situation 6 months down the road. Also i kindof feel like im limited by time to make these decisions. I Felt like it was now or never because i could never split up my babies family when she is older. i feel guilty enough about doing it now but at least it doesnt seem to have afected her now and she will grow up with this being "normal"

 

ugh, why is life so damn confusing??

[Sukotto]

Post natal depression maybe?

 

Go see someone for counselling, they might be able to help you diagnose the problem since it sounds like you have a great guy. Though I think he's thrown a bit of a tantrum, if a partner isn't feeling sexually attracted to another then plenty of stuff can be done to get the spark back. Did you try a weekend away at some hotel in the middle of nowhere? Nothing like some quality alone time without the stresses of a child.

 

You have to ask yourself one question "Did you try everything you could to make the relationship work?", if you can honestly look yourself in the eye (via a mirror) then your mind is already made up and there is no point in trying with that mindset.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by blinky200400

I have thought about counselling but part of me thinks no one is gonna be able to change my feelings. if we had a "problem" such as communicating or arguing about something it would be different but no matter how much i talk i cant see a professional bringing that spark back.

 

I would hope that counselors who deal specifically in sexual dysfunction would occasionally have some kind of success. Your problem isn't uncommon, and it's not beyond solution. It boils down really to what you want, and what is ultimately going to make you the happiest.

 

I think it's possible that a person could stop loving their mate. I also think that sometimes our emotions are blocked by resentment and anger that could have been simmering for years. Sometimes we just can't feel our feelings.

 

I'm not sure which catagory that you would fit into there, but don't you kind of owe it to yourself to find out?

 

What if you meet someone new, fall in love, remarry, and then find that spark gone in a few years as well?

[SoleMate]

Aaaaarrrggghhhhh! Don't throw away an otherwise good relationship with the father of your child because of this, until you have REALLY tried everything possible. PLEASE!!!! You two working together CAN bring back the spark and the desire, and it is absolutely worth it for all three of you. I would never expect anyone to go indefinitely without sex and closeness in marriage, but perhaps you can both tough it out a little longer while you both give this EVERYTHING you've got.

 

Please read The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis. She has specific suggestions that will bring both of you more understanding and more pleasure, quickly. Listen to your tears. I think they're telling you that this separation was a mistake. I believe that you may be affected by post partum depression and the typical post partum loss of interest in sex. PPD is treatable and PPLI is temporary and can be addressed right now.

 

If, heavens forbid, you get to the point where everything has been tried and a marriage MUST end, IMO you will have some sadness and pain but you will not be crying those devastatingly painful tears of self-doubt and regret. Your marriage might bring you both great joy for the next 50-60 years if you can find the strength to get past this crisis. Please do see a counselor, and please stop assuming that nothing will work before you've even given it a fair shot.

[blinky200400]

Thankyou so much for responding.

 

LadyJane

I would hope that counselors who deal specifically in sexual dysfunction would occasionally have some kind of success.

Hmm ok that makes sense!!

What if you meet someone new, fall in love, remarry, and then find that spark gone in a few years as well?

This is something i have worried about and is a reason why i have thought i will be too afraid to go into another relationship again. It has happened with a previous fiancee too!

 

Sukotto

You have to ask yourself one question "Did you try everything you could to make the relationship work?", if you can honestly look yourself in the eye (via a mirror) then your mind is already made up and there is no point in trying with that mindset.

With the exception of counselling i do think i have done everything i could. On numerous occasions we have tried "spicing things up". We have been away together (not since the baby was born but before when this issue was still ongoing for me) and though it may have improved things a little it didnt really sort things out.

 

Solemate Thankyou too.

Listen to your tears. I think they're telling you that this separation was a mistake.

I am afraid of this too!

 

After these responses i have thought i am going to look into the idea of counselling (maybe just for myself at the moment and maybe this will help me work out some issues). Hopefully i can afford this. From what i have heard it is 20 to 40 quid an hour (not really something i can afford at the mo!) but i will def look into it.

I tend to be up and down about whether i have done the right thing.

At first everyone said i seemed happier once we split but then everything seems to get really hard. I wonder if its just the case that u only remember the good things I dont know. I just know i need to get my head sorted over this and for the sake of my little girl i owe it to us all to do this sooner rather than later.

 

Thankyou all again so much,

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by blinky200400

i have thought i am going to look into the idea of counselling (maybe just for myself at the moment and maybe this will help me work out some issues). Hopefully i can afford this. From what i have heard it is 20 to 40 quid an hour

 

That's good news. You know, here in the States most health insurance companies offer some benefits. How does it work in the UK?

 

 

I got a huge laugh out of your signature line, btw. Too funny!

 

Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards!

[blinky200400]

Lady Jane - to be honest i think we just pay out of pocket here for this sort of counselling. Obviously we have NHS rather than insurance for healthcare but this wouldnt fall under the NHS so i guess im gonna have to count my pennies!!

 

Ps - love ur sig too!

[Sukotto]

If you speak to your GP he can recommend counselling through the NHS, though if you want to be seen by someone quicker then private is the way to go. Though they usually charge £30/hour and want to see you once a week.