Update - Ex contacts me again

[lauri]

I don't know why but I am a bit bothered by what happened and want to have some sense knocked back into me and hear what your opinions are regarding this. I've been doing extremely well - maintaining no contact (except for when she said Merry Christmas and I said thanks, and ignored her follow up messages).

 

I know my ex has been itching to get me to talk to her lately - its either she is lonely or just wants to get over the guilt of what she did. She has sent me "Hey" and "Hi" numerous times but I have just ignored. Yesterday, my ex contacted me saying the following via text:

 

Her: Hey, Happy New Years loser . I'm at work now what are you up to?

Me: ? Okay. Same. Thanks.

Her: How is your family? I really miss your parents

 

I Ignore. Few hours later

 

Her: Bro when are you going to put what happened behind you and speak to me normally? lol

 

Finally, I'm tired of her messaging me and just want to see what the hell she wants and ask "What do you want?"

 

Her: Ouch! You don't need to be rude. I'm not trying to date you... (this message pissed me off)

Her: I'm just being friendly and you act very strange...its not worth it.

 

I still ignore and she sends me a ? after an hour or so.

 

Why am I even annoyed by this? Also, did I handle it right? I was trying to be polite regarding the new years wishes but she seems to try to get under my skin all the time. I don't understand what the hell she wants and why she keeps contacting me.

[Zahara]

You're being passive-aggresive. If you don't want contact from her, then stop engaging in contact.

 

She stated clearly she was being friendly and if you don't want that in your life, cut her out of it.

[Philosoraptor]

No, you opened the door when you knew emotionally you weren't ready. You would have been best to delete and go about your day.

[lauri]

To be honest, I guess I was hoping she would just apologize for what she did to me by letting me quit my job, move back to be with her and visit her parents in their home country on the way home when she never wanted to be with me. I accept she wasn't interested and didn't want to be with me...but to let it get to that point, especially when it was long distance was unfair and I didn't deserve that.

 

But you guys are right - it was stupid on my end to respond and open up the flood gates. It's not that I want to be with her, I just wish that I didn't need to have this grudge and need to keep her out of my life like this...but her actions pushed me to do it.

[Mondmellonw]

Stay back... Neither of you liked the mood of one another.

I guess you should stick to NC, by now.

Maybe with time you could talk.

[Zahara]

I just wish that I didn't need to have this grudge and need to keep her out of my life like this...but her actions pushed me to do it.

 

 

You feel the way you feel. There's no wrong with having to feel anger and disappointment over the break-up and it's normal with the process of healing. Stop beating yourself over how you're supposed to act. It doesn't matter how it affects her. You do what you have to do to get through this -- even if that means she doesn't get to be "friendly" with you.

[Chi townD]

Dude, just ignore it.

 

You want to know what she's doing, okay! Here's a translation of what those texts mean.

 

"Hey Bro, enough time has past to elevate you up to the status of being Friend Zoned! Congrats! You should feel honored and privileged that I'm letting you be my friend."

 

You feel special now?

[LostConfused123]

Dude, just ignore it.

 

You want to know what she's doing, okay! Here's a translation of what those texts mean.

 

"Hey Bro, enough time has past to elevate you up to the status of being Friend Zoned! Congrats! You should feel honored and privileged that I'm letting you be my friend."

 

You feel special now?

LOL!! Right?

 

Screw that!!!

 

No offense, but she sounds like a weasel!!

[lauri]

Dude, just ignore it.

 

You want to know what she's doing, okay! Here's a translation of what those texts mean.

 

"Hey Bro, enough time has past to elevate you up to the status of being Friend Zoned! Congrats! You should feel honored and privileged that I'm letting you be my friend."

 

You feel special now?

 

So true. Can't believe she thinks like this and that I'd want to be her friend. She keeps trying to act like she did nothing wrong and nothing happened. Breaking up with me is one thing but to do it in the fashion it happened I can forgive but I won't be able to accept her back in my life...it wouldn't make sense for me and it would seem like I have zero self respect.

 

LOL!! Right?

 

Screw that!!!

 

No offense, but she sounds like a weasel!!

 

HAHAHA That actually made me laugh. I agree, my ex does have a lot of guys chasing her but after seeing how she acts it clearly shows me that I deserve better...I know she won't find someone like me ever again in her life. I feel stupid for even starting by responding to her. I gotta smarten up and do whats best for me more and seek advice before I even act.

[Chi townD]

I remember your original thread. If I remember correctly, you had a very good job overseas and you didn't renew your contract because you wanted to come home to her.

 

She didn't come to your welcome home party and the next day she ends it with you in a park.

 

Yeah, pretty cold. And on top of that, when she ended it with you and you left she apparently got sexually harassed walking to her car. Which was about 20 yards from where you were talking? Uh huh.... yeah. Okay.

 

So, basically, you lost your job with no prospects and you lost your girl. She couldn't have told you all of this while you still had time on your contract so you could resign with the company?

 

She told this "sexual harassment" crap to her parents; which in turn, got them mad at YOU for leaving her there alone. *cough* *cough* *bullsh*t* *cough*

 

Then, she tried to get you in the friend zone after that, but what I remember; what stuck out the most was in her texts. There was a lot of times where she stated of not wanting to be the "bad guy".

 

So, she's still carrying guilt. that's all that is. Hopefully, this was her last ditch effort and you'll leave you alone after this.

[BC1980]

Any normal person would realize the need for NC and stepping back after a breakup, but she's trying to turn the tables on you by making it seem like you are immature for not being on speaking terms with her. Trust me when I say that her reaching out has nothing to do with being friendly for your sake but everything to do with her. She needs you to be on good terms with her, so she won't have to face her guilt and the weight or her actions. You didn't give her friendship, so she is, in a last resort, placing the blame on you for going NC. It's simply another way to relieve her guilt. I really don't know if she realizes what she is doing, and I would bet a lot of people don't. Most people simply aren't going to take the time to delve into their motives and thoughts too deeply.

 

My ex basically did the same thing. Above all, he wanted to look good and rarely took blame for anything in his life. He wanted the breakup to be tied up in a neat, little bow, and we could all be good friends and hang out once in awhile. Since he knew what he did was so sh*tty, he really wanted my forgiveness and friendship to ease all of that guilt. I mean, even his family said what he did was awful, so you know it's bad.

[stillafool]

The next time she texts or calls, tell her this:

 

 

"To be honest, I guess I was hoping you would just apologize for what you did to me by letting me quit my job, move back to be with you and visit your parents in their home country on the way home when you never wanted to be with me. I accept that you weren't interested and didn't want to be with me...but to let it get to that point, especially when it was long distance was unfair and I didn't deserve that. I am not your friend and would appreciate it if you don't contact me again."

 

 

That should clear it up for her!

[Zahara]

Her: Bro when are you going to put what happened behind you and speak to me normally? lol.

 

Really -- you have to have a heart of stone or a pea brain to actually say this to someone that you know once loved you, was hurting from a break-up, suffered pain from the loss and is most likely still trying to recuperate. Zero empathy. God knows my approach would be gentler and kinder.

 

It's entitlement. Just get over it Lauri. I'm over it so let's be back to normal because I don't give a shytt about how you feel. Idiot.

[mtnbiker3000]

My ex basically did the same thing. Above all, he wanted to look good and rarely took blame for anything in his life. He wanted the breakup to be tied up in a neat, little bow, and we could all be good friends and hang out once in awhile. Since he knew what he did was so sh*tty, he really wanted my forgiveness and friendship to ease all of that guilt. I mean, even his family said what he did was awful, so you know it's bad.

 

My ex did this too. It's called 'Blame-shifting' and it allows them to ease their guilt and move on thinking they are free and clear and you were the root of all evil in the RS. This is often the exact opposite of reality. My ex basically villanized me and turned me into one of the worst people I've ever met. WTF??

 

This has been hard for me to accept. She completely discounted the immeasurable amount of kindness, generosity and goodness I gave her, and focused rather on the tiny amount of mistakes, negatives and foolishness instead. I will forever be the schmuck who she wasted time with and never be thought of for all I did for her - which was more than I have ever done for another human being. All for not . I find this hard to comprehend how someone has the capacity to do this. I don't have that skill. Wish I did sometimes...

[pickflicker]

You're being passive-aggresive. If you don't want contact from her, then stop engaging in contact.

 

She stated clearly she was being friendly and if you don't want that in your life, cut her out of it.

 

Zahara is right, OP - if you want to go NC, you can't be mean to her when she texts you, you just have to ignore it. Bickering with her won't make you feel better. Your silence will send a clear message and you don't have to be rude in order to do it.

 

It's ok, lesson learned. Just go back to NC.

[lauri]

Really -- you have to have a heart of stone or a pea brain to actually say this to someone that you know once loved you, was hurting from a break-up, suffered pain from the loss and is most likely still trying to recuperate. Zero empathy. God knows my approach would be gentler and kinder.

 

It's entitlement. Just get over it Lauri. I'm over it so let's be back to normal because I don't give a shytt about how you feel. Idiot.

 

I agree - I wanted to just make her realize what she did was not OKAY. Its not my responsibility and I have not talked to her for my own benefit...and I didn't do in a hope to get her back or change her mind about leaving me. I honestly don't think I can ever get over everything she - I'm over wanting to be with her, but not what she did to me...I'm still a bit emotionally messed up because of it.

 

Zahara is right, OP - if you want to go NC, you can't be mean to her when she texts you, you just have to ignore it. Bickering with her won't make you feel better. Your silence will send a clear message and you don't have to be rude in order to do it.

 

It's ok, lesson learned. Just go back to NC.

 

You and Zahara are right...it was immature on my part even thought it wasn't my intention. It didn't make me feel better at all...in the end it made me feel worse and kind of regret what I did...in an odd way it makes me wanna reach out and say something else but I know that's just me feeling guilty for responding to her and being rude...should have just stayed silent and avoided this whole situation.

 

I hate to admit it, but I was fishing for that "I'm sorry for what I did" from her.

[BC1980]

I agree - I wanted to just make her realize what she did was not OKAY. Its not my responsibility and I have not talked to her for my own benefit...and I didn't do in a hope to get her back or change her mind about leaving me. I honestly don't think I can ever get over everything she - I'm over wanting to be with her, but not what she did to me...I'm still a bit emotionally messed up because of it.

 

Don't fall into the trap of wanting to make someone see how wrong they are. They won't understand because people rationalize their behavior, so they can live with it. Deep down, these people know what they did was sh*tty. It's common sense.

 

I'm still emotionally messed up because of my ex too. It's just awful to know someone you loved so deeply could pull this stunt. It really stings, and it probably will for a long time.

[lauri]

Don't fall into the trap of wanting to make someone see how wrong they are. They won't understand because people rationalize their behavior, so they can live with it. Deep down, these people know what they did was sh*tty. It's common sense.

 

I'm still emotionally messed up because of my ex too. It's just awful to know someone you loved so deeply could pull this stunt. It really stings, and it probably will for a long time.

 

Yeah man...you are right. Its just a stupid excuse from my end to try to justify why she hasn't apologized.

 

I'm sorry that you are emotionally messed up as well - but you and I both know we eventually will get through this. It just takes time...lots and lots of time it seems.

[lauri]

Hey guys...so just a few minutes ago she texted me saying the following:

 

Are we ever going to be friends again?

 

I ignored, shortly after she messaged a few question marks followed by this text:

 

"I guess you are going to be resentful towards me forever".

 

Thoughts? Ignore?

 

I was thinking about responding with this:

"To be honest, I guess I was hoping you would just apologize for what you did to me by letting me quit my job, move back to be with you and visit your parents in their home country on the way home when you never wanted to be with me. I accept that you weren't interested and didn't want to be with me...but to let it get to that point, especially when it was long distance was unfair and I didn't deserve that. I am not your friend and would appreciate it if you don't contact me again.

[spaceboy409]

I blocked my exes number and she called me from another phone to see if I was still alive she said. For some reason it raised hope in my mind, and I hate that I answered it.

[lauri]

I blocked my exes number and she called me from another phone to see if I was still alive she said. For some reason it raised hope in my mind, and I hate that I answered it.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Are you suggesting I don't respond?

[goldfighter3]

No contact is clearly not working for her, because it seems like she doesn't understand why you don't want to be friends.

 

If you have her email address, send her an email explaining how you feel. How you think what she did was a really awful thing (it certainly sounds like it), how it was not the actions of someone you could love, never mind someone you would want to be friends with. And say goodbye. It closes the door to anything in the future other than an apology, which is all you really want. It also helps you get some of those feelings out of your head! Sure, she may not listen to what you have to say now, and will try and justify her actions in her head. But at least you'll know you've been heard, and one day in the future maybe she will look at what she did in different eyes too.

At the moment, she thinks all this is about is resentment for the breakup, rather than how the breakup was done. Only you can change that, because she certainly won't see it herself.

 

Hey guys...so just a few minutes ago she texted me saying the following:

 

Are we ever going to be friends again?

 

I ignored, shortly after she messaged a few question marks followed by this text:

 

"I guess you are going to be resentful towards me forever".

 

Thoughts? Ignore?

 

I was thinking about responding with this:

"To be honest, I guess I was hoping you would just apologize for what you did to me by letting me quit my job, move back to be with you and visit your parents in their home country on the way home when you never wanted to be with me. I accept that you weren't interested and didn't want to be with me...but to let it get to that point, especially when it was long distance was unfair and I didn't deserve that. I am not your friend and would appreciate it if you don't contact me again.

[Shadowburn]

Don't respond and block her if you can. Don't try to explain yourself, she doesn't care and your reasons would mean nothing to her. She broke your heart, and now expects you to be her friend? The gall! What a weirdo.

[pickflicker]

Hey guys...so just a few minutes ago she texted me saying the following:

 

Are we ever going to be friends again?

 

I ignored, shortly after she messaged a few question marks followed by this text:

 

"I guess you are going to be resentful towards me forever".

 

Thoughts? Ignore?

 

I was thinking about responding with this:

"To be honest, I guess I was hoping you would just apologize for what you did to me by letting me quit my job, move back to be with you and visit your parents in their home country on the way home when you never wanted to be with me. I accept that you weren't interested and didn't want to be with me...but to let it get to that point, especially when it was long distance was unfair and I didn't deserve that. I am not your friend and would appreciate it if you don't contact me again.

 

No, PLEASE ignore. You got pissy at her before, time to practice the art of silence.

 

It for the benefit of both of you. Zip the lip, ok? An apology that has to be prompted is not a sincere apology.

[Winter blue]

An apology that has to be prompted is not a sincere apology.

 

I agree to this but only to a certain degree. I think OP should speak out this time for himself (make it short and to the point though). By making it clear to her, you create boundries and set the rules.

 

Letting people know what they did to you was not cool, is like that saying, 'you teach people how to treat you". Don't mention you were expecting her apology though, just say what she did was not okay and that's not something friends do to each other.