Does he like me as more than a friend?

[Shosh]

I have a very close male friend who I have been friends with for over a year now. Originally we started romantically, but after two dates we decided we'd be better as friends than lovers. Over time we have gotten closer and recently I realized that my feelings for him are much stronger than friendship.

 

Now I am not sure what to do. If his feelings were the same, I would be very happy to give a relationship a go, if they are not, I am happy to stay friends, but I would distance myself a little bit from him. My main goal is to find out how he feels about me before I say or do anything. His friendship is very important to me and I don't want to make a pass on him if he is not interested. He does so many sweet things for me, but he is just a great guy, so maybe he does this for everybody and I am just one of his friends?

 

Unfortunately I have no idea how he feels towards me. We hung out a few days ago and I was looking for signs, but can't really read them so I need some help.

 

Any ideas what I should look for?

 

Also, to give you a few more details:

• We live about two hours apart, therefore we only meet up about 1-2 times per month.
  
• When we do, we usually spend all day together from around noon till 10 pm.
  
• We are never at each other's places, but always do fun activities, usually something new each time.
  
• We usually take turns paying but he offers to pay most of the time.
  
• We have lots of fun together and are both laughing 80% of the time. But we also have serious conversations where we talk about families, jobs, romantic life etc.
  
• Over the course of the last year we have both been dating others and I've even been in a relationship for a few months.
  
• When we say hello and goodbye we hug and kiss on the cheek.
  
• I am very touchy-feely and while he does not initiate physical contact, he does not seem to mind when I do.
  
• He has bought me gifts for my birthday and Christmas (which I did not expect) and I have returned the favor.
  
• He seems to remember every little thing I ever said and often will bring it up or surprise me with things he knows I like.
  
• We are both in our 30ies.
  

[Philosoraptor]

He may or may not want more. But before you pursue anything you need to figure out what you want. If you want this guy you need to end your current relationship to be fair to everyone here. Then let this guy know you're interested in pursuing a relationship that is greater than friends.

[Shosh]

If you want this guy you need to end your current relationship to be fair to everyone here. /QUOTE]

 

I don't have a current relationship. My last relationship ended in September. When I said we are both 'dating others' I meant we are both going out to dinners from time to time with people, but neither of us is seeing anyone seriously or exclusively.

[GemmaUK]

Sorry if it's a personal question but why did you both decide not to date initially? Do you remember who instigated that conversation?

 

I'm thinking he sounds like he probably would be OK with more but without knowing the why and who I'm not sure.

 

You probably won't see signals as he has resigned himself to friends - and he has a great friend.

He also invests a fair amount of time in you as you do him.

[Shosh]

Sorry if it's a personal question but why did you both decide not to date initially? Do you remember who instigated that .

 

Hi Gemma,

I don't mind the question, and the answer is it was me.

 

The reason was that he kissed me on our second date and I felt overwhelmed and pressured. Also, I did not see this coming at all, as he did it during the day and while we were in the middle of a conversation. Up until that point I had really liked him and was having a good time, but that was the moment when I thought: 'Ugh, I guess he is just looking for sex.' The next day I told him that I did not think we were a romantic match and wished him the best for the future. He said he was sorry if he messed up, but he thought we had a great time together and was wondering if I would like to be friends. I asked him if he did not think it would be weird to go from 'dating to friends' and he said no, because it had only been two dates and he had no strong feelings for me at that point anyway. Since I DID like him, I thought I could give it a try and if I did not feel comfortable I could always stop seeing him. Well, he has always been a perfect gentleman since then and never made another move.

 

Now that I know him better I know that he is not a guy 'looking for quick lay' at all, but unfortunately a friend of his had told him he needed to kiss me ASAP or I would friendzone him. Ironically that kiss was what made me not want to date him anymore. Ugh, I wish that had not happened, if we had just continued spending time together we might have ended up as a couple evenutally and naturally.

[GemmaUK]

Hi Gemma,

I don't mind the question, and the answer is it was me.

 

The reason was that he kissed me on our second date and I felt overwhelmed and pressured. Also, I did not see this coming at all, as he did it during the day and while we were in the middle of a conversation. Up until that point I had really liked him and was having a good time, but that was the moment when I thought: 'Ugh, I guess he is just looking for sex.' The next day I told him that I did not think we were a romantic match and wished him the best for the future. He said he was sorry if he messed up, but he thought we had a great time together and was wondering if I would like to be friends. I asked him if he did not think it would be weird to go from 'dating to friends' and he said no, because it had only been two dates and he had no strong feelings for me at that point anyway. Since I DID like him, I thought I could give it a try and if I did not feel comfortable I could always stop seeing him. Well, he has always been a perfect gentleman since then and never made another move.

 

Now that I know him better I know that he is not a guy 'looking for quick lay' at all, but unfortunately a friend of his had told him he needed to kiss me ASAP or I would friendzone him. Ironically that kiss was what made me not want to date him anymore. Ugh, I wish that had not happened, if we had just continued spending time together we might have ended up as a couple evenutally and naturally.

 

*likes*

 

So....you could do this on yoru own terms now..without friend interference..

 

I think you should have a little no pressure chat with him - drop something into conversation.

on't say 'we need to talk' though..lol!

 

If you like him enough you coudl try something like 'I'm not sure about this guy I was chatting to..he's nice and all but I am think I might be kinda 'in like with you' a little bit. (with a smile).

 

See his reaction.

When ever someone tells me they love me and if I am not ready 'in like' works...so it could be worth a try.

It's shy sweet and - he can think about it. It's not too embarrassing nor heavy to say either.

[MrMeh]

Pretty sure he likes you if he is always eager to hang out with you. I would suggest you ask if he wants to go out on the date since you basically ended that cycle yourself last time.

[Shosh]

I would suggest you ask if he wants to go out on the date since you basically ended that cycle yourself last time.

 

But that was a year ago. And in between we have only been friends and both us have dated other people. I don't think we can just 'pick up where we left'.

 

I really like Gemma's advice on what to do, but are there any men out there, who could tell me what signs I should look out for to see whether he likes me as more than a friend or not?

[Shosh]

We hung out a few days ago and even though I had not planned on doing so, I pretty much told him that I like him as more than a friend, that I miss him when we are not together and would like to see him and talk to him more often.

 

He seemed a bit taken by surprise and not too happy and basically said that we were friends not dating and that I can't expect him to act like my boyfriend. He started to say something but stopped himself in the middle of it, but it sounded like he was going to say it was my fault since I had my chance to date him but did not want to.

 

We said a few more things but basically he said he likes hanging out with me, but not more frequent or in a different way than we have been so far. I said that was fine, I understood and changed the subject. The last 30 minutes were a bit uncomfortable for both of us, but we said goodbye with a hug as usual and he said it was good to see me and I should start thinking about what I wanted to do next time we hang out.

 

I don't know what to do now, I do feel rejected and hurt, but I also feel like this is totally on me because we have been friends for over a year now and just because my feelings changed I can't expect his to change as well. I really care about him a lot and value his friendship, but obviously I can't be a true friend to him right now, since I want more than friendship.

 

Should I not see him for a few months until I get these feelings under control, or should I suck it up and continue hanging out with him as friends, even though it hurts right now?

[justa_guy]

I think it's be silly to continue as if nothing has changed, give the relationship some space to breath, not only for yourself to get over it, but for him to take in what you said, maybe he'll have a change of heart if he's missing you?

[peej]

If you don't think you can just e friends then don't drop him out of your life but keep the conversation at a minimum and don't see him for a bit. He may make a move if he starts missing you and realizing what you mean to him. If you want him as a friend just be you and hang out with him like normal.

 

Just don't torture yourself if he doesn't like you he doesn't like you.