soulz Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Is the guilt felt by a cheater comparable to the pain felt by the person cheated on? My Ex cheated on me and she shows quite some guilt, but do you think it is even remotely comparable to the pain i am currently going through? She still messages me and does something once every 10 days to get my attention without any response from me. I have been NC with her for 5 months now.. Just wondering What do you'll think about the power of guilt of cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 A relationship should be a mutually beneficial endeavor, not a power struggle. If you are serious about NC & never speaking to her again, what difference does it make whether she's been messaging you for 5 minutes or 5 months? If you are just punishing her . . . . trying to see how long she's hang on & keep begging as some sign of her true feelings for you, that's not healthy either. Even if she does continue chasing you, when will you decide she's been punished enough? At that point why would you even want somebody who had so little self esteem they chased you for so long? Somebody like that who cheats, then is sorry, then supplicates themselves to their betrayed partner, doesn't have good decision making skills or appropriate boundaries, imo. What's the allure? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 There's a whole process to moving on. No contact is a means to an end. Some goals include becoming indifferent to your ex and how she feels. These are exactly the sort of questions that you shouldn't be asking. I know that this must be painful for you but it does get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulz Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 A relationship should be a mutually beneficial endeavor, not a power struggle. If you are serious about NC & never speaking to her again, what difference does it make whether she's been messaging you for 5 minutes or 5 months? If you are just punishing her . . . . trying to see how long she's hang on & keep begging as some sign of her true feelings for you, that's not healthy either. Even if she does continue chasing you, when will you decide she's been punished enough? At that point why would you even want somebody who had so little self esteem they chased you for so long? Somebody like that who cheats, then is sorry, then supplicates themselves to their betrayed partner, doesn't have good decision making skills or appropriate boundaries, imo. What's the allure? A part of me is doing this to punish her coz i was her first love but an even bigger part of me has too much self respect to fall back in her trap. Which is why i am in NC Im def. not even considering ever speaking to her again. at the same time, i just feel robbed off of the 2.5 yrs i spent loving somebody and then they cheat and live pain free. So, i was wondering if it is truly pain free? I cant help but wonder this right now Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 My exH never said "sorry" or took any responsibility for his affair. So when we were working out the financial settlement I told him that to make up for his $h!££y behaviour I wanted all the contents of the house (apart from his personal belongings and the wedding presents that his family & friends had given us.) I pointed out to him that as he now had someone to support him finacially and I didn't, this would go a small way towards redressing the balance. I also felt entitled to this because he had been taking OW to hotels and paying with my credit card and stuffing me with the bill. This only came to light after he had left. He had been hiding the credit card statements and paying only the minimum amount, thus racking up quite a debt. He agreed to this. Whether his agreement was motivated by guilt or because he was scared of legal action over the Credit Card a/c I'm not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 A part of me is doing this to punish her coz i was her first love but an even bigger part of me has too much self respect to fall back in her trap. Which is why i am in NC Im def. not even considering ever speaking to her again. at the same time, i just feel robbed off of the 2.5 yrs i spent loving somebody and then they cheat and live pain free. So, i was wondering if it is truly pain free? I cant help but wonder this right now I've never cheated but my wife has and I can guarantee you that she has not felt nearly the pain that I have over it. She also hasn't had to live with memories and images of her screwing some other guy. Those images in your mind end up being the worst part of the whole thing. Look, you are young and single. I assume you don't have any kids with her so why would you even think about trying to reconcile with her? It way, way harder than you can imagine and often it results in breaking up anyway. Save yourself all that work and keep your self respect. Stay NC with her other than to tell her firmly and finally one more time that it's over and you don't want her to contact you anymore. Period. Stick to your guns and you'll soon be enjoying the single life. Link to post Share on other sites
LornaFE Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 It seems unfair, but the cheater often indeed does not suffer from guilt. Some people are not even capable of experiencing guilt. This has something to do with being used to lie, so that they already believe their own lies. It would not fit their own image of themselves being the "bad person". Yes, those cheating and lying persons sometimes show "signs of remorse", but if you take a closer look at it, it - is not directed to you, they just feel regret of having lost someone being committed to them or panic being in the process to lose someone - is just an act. They have seen in movies how people react when they feel guilty and they try to copy it. Often they are very good in copying the words of remorse, but the addressee can often sense that something is wrong by watching them closely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author soulz Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) It seems unfair, but the cheater often indeed does not suffer from guilt. Some people are not even capable of experiencing guilt. This has something to do with being used to lie, so that they already believe their own lies. It would not fit their own image of themselves being the "bad person". Yes, those cheating and lying persons sometimes show "signs of remorse", but if you take a closer look at it, it - is not directed to you, they just feel regret of having lost someone being committed to them or panic being in the process to lose someone - is just an act. They have seen in movies how people react when they feel guilty and they try to copy it. Often they are very good in copying the words of remorse, but the addressee can often sense that something is wrong by watching them closely. When i was leaving her for good and stopped replying to her, she was threatening me with suicide..now she seems comfortable not having me in her life coz she has her cheating buddy who she is official with.. at the same time she emails me asking me to be best friends with her again and tells me she feels lost.. she is just full of manipulation.. the worst part is, i would have never predicted this when i was dating her.. its like she was engulfed by a demon or something.. strangest experience i have had.. never seen anybody flip switches like this.. dont know if she is settlin with this fellow coz she cant have me anymore or whatever, but i just dont see how she feels no guilt after i gave her my everything.. i have never regretted knowing somebody as much as i regret knowing her.. i hate that this was my first relationship Edited January 10, 2014 by soulz Link to post Share on other sites
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