Wife was taking money out of my personal account without knowledge

[pittguy578]

35 year old male. Recently married in March. Have a 11 month old baby.

 

I just found out my wife somehow got the login information for my personal account and transferred a significant amount of money from that account into our joint account over the last couple of months (since October) to the tune of $3100. I just found out today when I checked my personal account for the first time. I knew there was a significant balance in there and all of our bills were being paid from our joint account so I didn't think to check it sooner. I have no idea how she got my login information. I never gave it to her. Maybe she installed something on the computer.

 

I feel totally betrayed. She never told me she was making the transfers, and I trusted her. The weird thing is I offered to pay some of the bills from my personal account over the last couple of months and she told me not to touch my personal account...then apparently she would be transferring money out of my personal account the next day anyways. If we had bills we had to pay then she could have asked me to pay more. She went entirely behind my back and never mentioned these transfers at all to me.

The other bad thing is I was paying for stuff to help us out of my personal account trying to help us out. She said she needed to pay things to keep us afloat, but our total monthly expenses including utilities is around 1400, and both of us together cleared around 4k per month. I have no idea what couldn't be paid out of that amount.

 

 

The bad thing is last year well before this happened I had given her my credit card to use in an emergency fashion. Next thing I knew the balance was up to $1300 without her even mentioning it. I found out the hard way. She apologized up and down that she was wrong. But it seemed to happen again.

 

 

 

I have no idea what to do here. The trust is totally gone, and I feel betrayed. Can the marriage be saved?

[pteromom]

I have no idea what to do here. The trust is totally gone, and I feel betrayed. Can the marriage be saved?

 

That really depends on her. What does she say for herself? What were her reasons for doing that? Is she being honest about what is going on?

 

If she is willing to work on it, and you are willing to work on trusting her again if she does, then it can probably be saved.

 

But I don't know her or her reasons for doing this.

 

If she has a secret drug problem or some other crazy reason for needing so much money, that adds a whole other layer of issues on it.

[pittguy578]

She said she had no "idea" that she was transferring that much. However, I guess she was able to see the balances in our respective accounts so that doesn't hold much water. She is now trying to turn it around on me saying we are a team and it should be ok. As I said before, the fact that I offered to pay some bills out of my personal account over the last couple of months and then she said not to touch my savings baffles me since she was touching my savings to pay bills. If we were a team, she would have told me she was transferring money from my account. I am pretty much ready for a breakdown at this point.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Counseling.

 

I would change the log in information and have a long talk with your wife about bills etc.

[Debanked]

Been there OP. Sorry to hear you're going through it.

 

My advice is to figure out why she did what she did. Take stock of all your finances. Run a credit report on you AND on her. Be sure there are no hidden credit cards or debts that you are unaware of. From my experience, it will get worse (deeper) before it gets better.

 

You will most likely get the trickle truth from her unless you flat out bust her on something. The road to repair and rebuilding trust can only begin once she comes completely clean and you understand where bottom is. Going forward she'll need to be completely transparent and earn your trust back. This means regularly reviewing the finances together and paying bills together.

 

It's going to take some work on your part to get through it. It's not easy and the breach of trust feels very much like getting cheated on. You can work through it if your love each other.

 

I went through it for about two years and it was tough. But the debts were all paid off and I got my wife on the straight and narrow. We are doing great. 17 year anniversary this year!

[Keenly]

Your marriage is dead and gone if she is trying to flip this around on you. If she is trying to make it YOUR fault that she is moving money around and spending it behind your back, she clearly has spending problems, untrustworthy habits, victim mentality issues, and also has problems admitting when she is in the wrong.

 

 

Sounds pretty selfish, like she is living for her as a single game entity and not you as a couple.

[pteromom]

She is now trying to turn it around on me saying we are a team and it should be ok.

 

Being a team goes both ways. It can't be a team thing when it benefits her, and an individual decision when THAT benefits her. Either your finances are mixed together, meaning you both have access to all the money but you also both have access to all the financial info, or your finances are separate, in which case there are boundaries.

 

I would insist on 100% transparency at this point. You have access to all the accounts so you can monitor them. And you guys need to have a very detailed talk about finances, what is expected, and what is allowed.

[Eggplant]

Your situation looks really, really bad. You can't trust her.

[beach]

It is a betrayal. She has broken trust.

 

What else was she spending on that she couldn't talk openly and honestly with you about? Why did she think being sneaky was ok?

 

She could have discussed it with you, but chose not to - there's no TEAM work in the way she handled it!

 

IF she's not willing to change - then you won't trust her ever again!

 

If she won't admit she did things wrong - then she's just likely to do it again.

 

Change all passwords. Check your credit reports to see if she's opened credit cards without your knowledge!

 

Find out why she needed that money - she may be spending on things/people she's not telling you about.

 

What nationality is she? I've seen certain nationalities that expect family earned money to be diverted to areas far away to provide for "their family members".

[pittguy578]

Been there OP. Sorry to hear you're going through it.

 

My advice is to figure out why she did what she did. Take stock of all your finances. Run a credit report on you AND on her. Be sure there are no hidden credit cards or debts that you are unaware of. From my experience, it will get worse (deeper) before it gets better.

 

You will most likely get the trickle truth from her unless you flat out bust her on something. The road to repair and rebuilding trust can only begin once she comes completely clean and you understand where bottom is. Going forward she'll need to be completely transparent and earn your trust back. This means regularly reviewing the finances together and paying bills together.

 

It's going to take some work on your part to get through it. It's not easy and the breach of trust feels very much like getting cheated on. You can work through it if your love each other.

 

I went through it for about two years and it was tough. But the debts were all paid off and I got my wife on the straight and narrow. We are doing great. 17 year anniversary this year!

 

 

Thank you for the response. I really do love her.

 

I actually just checked my credit report last week-just a yearly check. I had nothing on there that I didn't know about.

 

I did know she had some financial issues prior credit cards/medical bills etc. I thought everything was out in the open though. She said she had made arrangements with her creditors to go on a payment plan. Something like 150 a pay-twice a month. We had enough of an income-4k a month that I didn't really care. I wanted her to get out of debt as soon as possible so we could move on. I honestly do not have any debt. My account went down nearly 8k in two months. There was $900 of telephone transfers I knew about. Then there was the $3100 of transfers I didn't know about. I also had been paying some of our personal expenses out of my personal account without her knowledge to help out. I had no idea that she was taking money out of my account on top of the other things I was paying for. Literally my balance at beginning of November was 15k. I checked today and it was $6k. That money was supposed to be for us to buy a house or a new car. I don't spend anything on myself. I am very low maitenance. I might buy 1-2 computer games a year for $40 a piece,

 

I had no idea she would have transferred money from my personal account. I thought she was just using the account that both of our paychecks were going into. I hope we can get this fixed. I would hate to be apart from my son. I am a male and we don't usually get custody if we split up unless something is really wrong with her which is not the case. She is a very good mother.

[beach]

Is this the gal with the alcohol/prescription drug issues?

 

Did you run a credit report on your wife? You need to see if SHE is racking up more new debt since you married her.

[carhill]

I have no idea what to do here. The trust is totally gone, and I feel betrayed. Can the marriage be saved?

 

First, deal with the nuts and bolts. Credit card cancelled. Close your personal account, open a new one and do not create electronic banking connections. All transactions will be via check/personal transfer in person by you.

 

Sure, the M can be saved but you're going to make her really, really angry with you. This is where being a man gets tough. She has a problem. She has to deal with it. You can in no way enable her. The problem is the enemy. It won't be easy.

 

Question, as I didn't see by skimming....once she transfered the money to the joint account, where does the paper trail lead? As my best friend says, and he has a lot follow, follow the money. It never lies.

 

Not an auspicious start, given you haven't reached your one year anniversary. However, anything is possible, if you're *both* willing to work the issue.

 

Good luck.

[Debanked]

Take deep breath and keep your cool. Your new son needs your head in the game and both you and your wife need each other. It's easy to get frustrated but keep working at it, find bottom and work your way out.

 

Odds are your wife hasn't told you about everything. She is probably embarrassed to own up. She'll say she's told you everything but often times you have to dig deep (snoop) to uncover the truth.

 

Search up my first post here to read my story. In addition to what I posted, I uncovered a secret bank account (checking/savings) in her name and two secret credit cards in her name, debt about $12K. Statements were going to a SECOND secret PO Box she had near her office and she kept the cards at work. Needless to say it was a **** storm but we got to the bottom of it. I exposed everything to her parents and that's when we found bottom. It got better from there and is pretty much back to normal now.

 

We have a joint checking account, a joint savings account, and 1 credit card in my name (she is a signer on it). We do all bills together, make all financial decisions together, and are careful with spending. We use the Mint app to keep a budget.

 

Short story, always work as a team and never get lazy or blissful about finances. (Not for you OP, but for all the youngins out there). ;-)

[Debanked]

You cannot run a credit report on her, she has to run it on herself (keep it legal). But it's part of what needs to be done. Also, you will find yourself asking her the same questions over and over again, even to the point where it ticks her off. This is normal. Both of you need to understand this.

 

Have mature, respectful talks while your son is asleep. Find out what you can / work on what you can. But be very careful NOT to let it consume you. Work at it, but also work at normal. You'll get through it. Things will get better

 

Be very cautious of extremes or comments that say its over. Bull.

[pittguy578]

Is this the gal with the alcohol/prescription drug issues?

 

Did you run a credit report on your wife? You need to see if SHE is racking up more new debt since you married her.

Good memory but not the same one. Maybe I have sucker written all over me.

I honestly do not think she is running up any more debt. She is not materialistic.

If debt is an issue I think it is more from her prior history.

 

She said when she was off work things got behind. She took a voluntary layoff in February when our son was born. If her personal expenses were getting behind then she did not let me know.

 

It may be my fault with respect to not monitoring my account closely, but I did not have her name on my personal account. Somehow she got my password. I didn't give it to her

[Eivuwan]

Good memory but not the same one. Maybe I have sucker written all over me.

I honestly do not think she is running up any more debt. She is not materialistic.

If debt is an issue I think it is more from her prior history.

 

She said when she was off work things got behind. She took a voluntary layoff in February when our son was born. If her personal expenses were getting behind then she did not let me know.

 

It may be my fault with respect to not monitoring my account closely, but I did not have her name on my personal account. Somehow she got my password. I didn't give it to her

 

It's not your fault. You could have not have expected your wife to log into your personal account without your knowledge or permission. So what are you going to do about this problem?

[Debanked]

She may have guessed the password, your browser remembered it, or she may have requested it and known the answers to the security questions.

 

The way you talk about the situation you separate things as "mine" and "hers" and "personal." In marriage, only "ours" works long term.

[beach]

Good memory but not the same one. Maybe I have sucker written all over me.

I honestly do not think she is running up any more debt. She is not materialistic.

If debt is an issue I think it is more from her prior history.

 

She said when she was off work things got behind. She took a voluntary layoff in February when our son was born. If her personal expenses were getting behind then she did not let me know.

 

It may be my fault with respect to not monitoring my account closely, but I did not have her name on my personal account. Somehow she got my password. I didn't give it to her

 

You are making way too many assumptions - you need to gather solid evidence.

 

And you need to see exactly where that money went after she moved it.

 

Fact still remains - she isn't being honest and communicating with you. Does she plan to improve that?

[Fugu]

This is serious - extremely serious.

 

This is a potential deal-breaker - ranks right up there with cheating with another man. And I wouldn't at all feel the least bit of guilt in ending a marriage over something like this. I think it's forgivable, but less so given the fact that you already warned her about something like this once, and it's absolutely not forgettable. I would put a lot of consideration into how you set up your finances from now on, and I would monitor your credit and check it regularly. I'd let her know that if something like this happens again....done.

[carhill]

IMO, if everything doesn't become immediately and proactively transparent, e.g. meaning no 'trickle truth', I'd be hitting the post-nup button. My exW and I handled a ton of money and I would have put her into orbit for that kind of shenanigans.

 

BTW, it's quite easy to bring 'personal' money into a M. Trust funds, inheritances, hello, life savings prior to M, etc, etc. BTDT. It's called 'separate assets'. No spouse gets to do the Monopoly spend just because there's a marriage license. Doesn't work that way, at least not on my ranch.

[Fugu]

Been there OP. Sorry to hear you're going through it.

 

My advice is to figure out why she did what she did. Take stock of all your finances. Run a credit report on you AND on her. Be sure there are no hidden credit cards or debts that you are unaware of. From my experience, it will get worse (deeper) before it gets better.

 

You will most likely get the trickle truth from her unless you flat out bust her on something. The road to repair and rebuilding trust can only begin once she comes completely clean and you understand where bottom is. Going forward she'll need to be completely transparent and earn your trust back. This means regularly reviewing the finances together and paying bills together.

 

It's going to take some work on your part to get through it. It's not easy and the breach of trust feels very much like getting cheated on. You can work through it if your love each other.

 

I went through it for about two years and it was tough. But the debts were all paid off and I got my wife on the straight and narrow. We are doing great. 17 year anniversary this year!

 

Great post, and good to know things worked out. I don't want to suggest that things like this can't be worked out - they obviously can as your experience shows.

 

I sooo totally agree with the advice about getting a handle on the finances and tracking down every single thing that could affect credit. This is damage control, and this is an absolutely essential first step.

 

But there has to be the threat of consequences, too. Endangering my personal financial welfare - and that of my child (if I had one) or family - would end my marriage faster than another man in the picture - which is not to say I'd take kindly to that either, but the compulsions associated with this behavior are tricky and the consequences are long-lasting.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look friend. Wife or no wife it comes down to this. She's stealing from you. Hear me? Stealing. It's not a joint account, it yours and yours only and she taking your money and spending it on something and that something is what you need to find out.

 

Time for a sit down and let her know that you won't put up with lying or any more excuses. What happened to the money and where did you get my pass word? Plain and simple.

 

She betrayed your trust and she owes you an answer and you better find out what's going on or she's apt to run your ass broke. She's already doing a good job of it already. There might be a very good reason or a whole bunch of things you weren't aware of before you married her so stop playing the nice guy and find out.

[Mr. Lucky]

BTW, it's quite easy to bring 'personal' money into a M. Trust funds, inheritances, hello, life savings prior to M, etc, etc. BTDT. It's called 'separate assets'. No spouse gets to do the Monopoly spend just because there's a marriage license. Doesn't work that way, at least not on my ranch.

I agree but don't think the OP confirmed that this was so.

 

pittguy578, what is the marital history behind your "personal account"? And what agreement is in place for the sharing of funds, expenses, savings, etc?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Debanked]

This is serious - extremely serious.

 

This is a potential deal-breaker - ranks right up there with cheating with another man. And I wouldn't at all feel the least bit of guilt in ending a marriage over something like this. I think it's forgivable, but less so given the fact that you already warned her about something like this once, and it's absolutely not forgettable. I would put a lot of consideration into how you set up your finances from now on, and I would monitor your credit and check it regularly. I'd let her know that if something like this happens again....done.

 

I agree the breach of trust is serious but this is where "for richer or for poorer / for better or for worse" come into play. He has to consider the love for his wife and the child they just brought into the world. One can't just put on the tough guy act and take a hard line. They have to be civil and work through it together. You don't just throw away a marriage and walk out because of what realistically, is a speed bump. $3,100 and some credit card debt is very recoverable. I'm not saying it doesn't sting, but you can't see exit signs every time there's a problem in the marriage. It's a heck of a lot easier to get to the bottom of things with a cool head versus stomping your feet.

[amaysngrace]

If you can't get a credit report on her then demand that she gets one herself. You have every right to know what she's been spending your money on.

 

Also, do what carhill suggested and make all transactions only accessible if you are there in person. Cut off the ability to transfer money by phone or electronically immediately.