Ask bf to return engagement ring because I didn't like the ring.

[Elmo]

Originally posted by Matilda

It seems to me that the ring isn't really the important issue here, but whether or not the 2 of you should really get married. He doesn't really want to be married, he's just doing it so he won't lose you. He doesn't seem to understand you, and you don't seem to understand him. I would examine your relationship with him more closely. Have some very deep discussions about his feelings about marriage, life in general, values, etc. What does he want out of life? What do you want out of life? Do you want the typical family dream, kids, home, 2 cars in the garage, or something less conventional?

 

Given the current disagreement about rings, I would be especially concerned that the 2 of you are on the same page financially. Find out whether he is a saver or a spender, and what kind of things he likes to spend his money on. Being compatible financially is a big part of marriage.

 

I guess I'm afraid you may be getting married, just to get married, not because you really want to make a life partnership with this man. And I would want any man I married to be excited about marrying me, and wanting to make me happy. And you should want to make him happy, and be willing to compromise on some issues. If he doesn't see the importance of a big ring, then find some sort of compromise with him.

 

If after all the discussion you feel that marriage is right for the 2 of you, then I would drop the issue of an engagement ring altogether. Pick out some nice wedding bands together, and focus on what's really important, the relationship between the 2 of you.

 

 

Way better said than my earlier post. Very wise.

[Marisa]

Hi,

 

Thank you all for posting a reply. I have to say that I agree with Pocky and her response. Going with my GUT feeling is that I feel like I pushed him into marrying me. He said plain and simple that he didn't care about getting married and that the feeling I get from all of this is that the only reason he asked me was because he was afraid of losing me. Remember all that my bf and I have been together for amost 6 years and 2 of those years have been long distance. I have told him over the past few months that this long distance thing was really hard on me and that it made me so sad all the time especially when I had to visit him. I knew we would only have this one weekend in 2 months to spend together and seeing him was more painful than not at all.

 

It was not like we started off in a long distance relationship and it has been this way all along. It was his decision to move away because of his career which I fully supported him because I wanted him to be happy. I feel so disappointed that almost everyone views me as a materialistic person. I am not. I spend more on him than he would on me. I spend so much time, am so supportive of everything he does yet... in the end I feel like I am not important enough or valuable enough to him to purchase something that I liked.

 

Pocky was right when she said that .13 diamond is VERY SMALL. Most men know that engagment rings are something any women would love especially if it's really nice. I just wanted something like a .30 if I could! I am not being greedy. My 51/2 years with this man has been somewhat rocky and that is why I feel he gave me a ring because he felt pressured into it. I did tell him that I don't know if there is any point in being with someone who didn't want the same thing in the end. In my heart I knew that I would have to go on with my life because I didn't want to wait around for him. I'm not getting any younger and I do want to have childern.

We are both in our 30's.

 

What I am trying to say is that... I don't feel like he put the effort into it. If he cared about me he would agree to look for another ring with me and not set such an unreasonable budget when he knows that a decent ring would cost 2x that. He does make good money for a single man and being a gentleman without telling me that "that diamond is too big on you" in the jewlerry store in front of the sales staff and customers and walking out the store was I thought rather mean and embarrassing for me. It made me sad that he didn't want to see me wear a nice diamond ring because that would symbolize to everyone that he really loves me and wanted to marry me as much as I wanted to marry him.

 

The other point is that do you think he really was sending me a message ... that he didn't want to marry me by giving me a ring that small... Somehow I do believe that. What women wouldn't like a nice ring to show off to friends... Again I have to remind you all that the ring was a .13. The diamond was tiny. It looked more like a promise ring and a friendship ring than anything else. I really am in so much stress right now.

 

For months before he proposed, he kept telling me that he wasn't into getting married and that he doesn't see himself getting married... that is why when he told me this after so many years together that it made me so sad that I put my foot down and told him honestly how I felt. I really don't want to waste my time with someone who after so many years still didn't know what he wanted.

 

So do you understand how I feel??? I feel like I have been there for this man, through good and bad and bought him presents that I could not even afford to pay but because I loved him so much and wanted to make him happy, I spent the $3000.00 on him without making a big deal of it. I don't want a $3,000 ring! I just want something nice. I hope most women out there know how small a .13 diamond is. Pocky is right because she said it DOESN"T EVEN look like a diamond engagement ring! Going with how I feel, I think he doesn't want the world to know how much he loves me because if he did he would not mind getting me something like a .20 diamond!!! which is still small but I could live with it. The Diamond symbolizes love and committment. He even went as far as telling me that I shouldn't cry ( the day he proposed) because he said I haven't seen the ring yet! that means he KNEW that I wouldn't like the ring yet he seems annoyed when I ask him to shop around together for another one.... he even went as far as to tell me that he is frugale.

 

Doesn't that mean that he could have spent the money on something nicer for me...but he didn't want to????

He even JOKINGLY said that I could buy myself a ring and he'll pay me back!!!

 

I am feeling so sad right now and this is supposed to be the happiest time in my life.

 

Marisa.

[Merin]

A couple of things to think about...

 

One.. while it's all okay to want the ring you want.. let it also be very clear that you can have a huge rock, an expensive wedding... and a ****ty marriage.

 

Two.. IF his spending habits (or lack of) bother you this much now... can you imagine how much worse things could potentially get in the long run?

 

MONEY is a HUGE issue in a lot of marriages... and being that the two of you are not yet married... and MONEY is already an issue... you may want to really really REALLY think about this... chances of him changing, aren't good.

 

Good Luck with whatever you decide.

[Pocky]

If you have to give someone an ultimatum to marry you then you shouldn't be getting married. I have see far too many marriages end in divorce after having been given an ultimatum. If this man doesn't truly want you by his side after six years then I think it's time to move on. I ended a five year relationship in my early twenties - you'll be happier in the long run. Find someone that adores you and wants to marry you and have a family. To accept anything less would be a mistake.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Pocky

If you have to give someone an ultimatum to marry you then you shouldn't be getting married. I have see far too many marriages end in divorce after having been given an ultimatum. If this man doesn't truly want you by his side after six years then I think it's time to move on. I ended a five year relationship in my early twenties - you'll be happier in the long run. Find someone that adores you and wants to marry you and have a family. To accept anything less would be a mistake.

 

 

yeah, i am in total agreement with what POCKY said above

[crisp]

I have two firends who got engaged. She's still in Med school and he works at a radio station. Thanks Lord for their parents, 'cause theri income is almost inexistent!! They live at her place. Yet he got her a nice ruby ring: 600E.

 

Sorry, I cannot believe your bf did this. Love means understanding the other person and occasionally indulging into his/her idiosyncrasies. Call me a materialistic bitch, but if both people can afford it, I think it's dissrespectful from him not to offer you something you like and not ashamed of wearing.

 

This tells a lot about what he's willing to do for you. What about himself? Does he indulge himself big stuff? Maybe he's just ... cheap.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Marisa

I know that I shouldn't be fussy about this but I would have to wear this ring my whole life

 

i sincerely doubt you will end up marrying this man, let alone be with him your whole life.

 

he's non-committal at best and you know this; obviously marriage is not what he wants, and now you're unhappy with what he is trying to give you.

 

IMHO, this "relationship/engagement/marriage" thing is not going to last very long.

 

if you loved him so much that you would let him be suckered into marrying you just so he would be with you, you wouldn't care about the ring.

 

it sounds like you just want the idea of rings and engagement and the fun stuff no matter who it is with.

 

marriage is about much more than that, honey.

[prettypiggy79]

so, don't feel bad!

Return the ring and pick one you like.

What's the big deal??

If "size or the money spent" does not emphasize the extent of his love for you, then what is the difference if it's a bigger stone, different shape stone, a different cut stone, different quality stone, a different setting, etc?

Who cares?

Tell him you are happy he proposed and he loves you so, and although the ring is nice, it doesn't suit your style and if you can go looking around?

I know you said he had enough to purchase a bigger/better quality stone, but if that fails for now, keep the one you have now, get a phony and wear that sometimes. Many women do that.

I know one lady who wears her original e-ring rarely and mostly wears her fake, down-to-earth white gold e-ring. Do whatever pleases you.

It's only jewelery.

[jmargel]

I bought my wife a .33 caret engagement ring. Although it was small it still ran me $1,500, it was because of the clarity and the quality of the ring. She wanted something bigger, so when we looked at wedding rings, we traded it in for a bigger set. Even though now her engagement ring is 1 ct. the quality is alot less now and it was only about $300 more.

 

Just don't look at the size, look at the quality.

 

Oh, and just having a bigger ring doesn't mean you are not going to have the same problems in marriage as if you were to have gotten a smaller one.

[zora]

Sorry to say this, but you did not have your mans feelings in mind when you told him you did not like the ring HE picked out for YOU!

 

Now there is no ring at all...

 

I, myslef would not care if my guy got me one of those rings from the .25 cent machine, just knowing he wants to spend his life with me is enough.. I AM materialistic, but when it comes to love with my partner there is no price tag... just something to think about.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by jmargel

Oh, and just having a bigger ring doesn't mean you are not going to have the same problems in marriage as if you were to have gotten a smaller one.

 

This is the truth if its ever been spoken.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by jmargel

Buy him something expensive showing how much you love him, and only then come back here complaining the ring wasn't big enough.

 

If you base his love on what he gives you, then my god.. I feel sorry for his soul, because he's going to end up a lonely and financially broke man.

 

 

Originally posted by jmargel

I bought my wife a .33 caret engagement ring. Although it was small it still ran me $1,500, it was because of the clarity and the quality of the ring. She wanted something bigger, so when we looked at wedding rings, we traded it in for a bigger set. Even though now her engagement ring is 1 ct. the quality is alot less now and it was only about $300 more.

 

Just don't look at the size, look at the quality.

 

Oh, and just having a bigger ring doesn't mean you are not going to have the same problems in marriage as if you were to have gotten a smaller one.

 

Uh........

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

With all the horrible things people do to each other that we read on these boards, I find it pathetic that some of you are taking the moral high ground with this girl as though she's just committed the greatest sin. She didn't like the ring. Big deal! She should be able to get a different one. Hell, if I kept every single thing I didn't like that my husband got me I'd have a closet full of ****.

 

She wasn't rude. She didn't put him down. She didn't mock him for picking out such a ****ty ring. She didn't make him feel like a fool. All she did was say she'd like something different. Some of you are acting like she's not even allowed to have her own preference and she should just be happy he's asked her to marry him! How utterly stupid. Does that mean that since he asked her to marry him she should now be forced to have the type of wedding he wants? What if she came on here and said her boyfriend only wants to get married at the courthouse and she's always wanted to have this wonderful wedding, but he won't let her? Would you say that she should just shut her mouth, you materialistic wench, and be glad he's marrying you, you worthless woman that's only interested in money.

 

Maybe while the rest of you are having affairs, screwing married men and women, spying on your spouse, neglecting the person that loves you and using NC as ploy to dupe someone into coming back to you, you could find time to be a little more understanding and not lambaste someone because they want nice things in their life.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by Marisa

Hi,

 

Marriage is very important to me so he asked me to marry him even though marriage is not of great importance to him. He did it because he cared and didn' t want to lose me.

 

I know he can afford a nicer ring because he said before he presented me with the ring that "you haven't even seen the ring yet, it's not spectacular and I'm a cheap guy".. I am not even asking for a giant rock but one that is of average size. He makes pretty good money and could easily buy me something that is average size but his refusal to buy me something that I like concerns me.

 

Somehow I can't help but to think that he doesn't love me enough to get me something that he knows I will like more. So I told him that I wanted to pick out my own ring. I know he wasn't too happy with me but what was I supposed to do???

 

Since having returned the ring, he has not mentioned anything about finding another ring for me. I am worried and feel like I am not even engaged to this man.

 

I have not brought up this issue with him over the phone because I am scared it will ignite another argument.

 

 

 

Please read the above. There is clear indication that the ring is a symptom of a larger problem. Getting married is not going to magically fix any problems. Marriage is like a giant magnifying glass. Even the smallest problems suddenly become much larger, and all the heat gets focused in one area until the whole thing burns up. That is unless you deal with it.

[binturong]

But she didn't just say she wanted something different. She said he could afford to spend more money, so he should, in order to prove that he loves her! She said that MARRIAGE is very important to her, not a BIG DIAMOND. So why shouldn't she just be happy that he proposed? He's giving her something that is very important to her, and he must love her enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her. That's not good enough? And frankly, if their ideas of the "perfect wedding" differed, I should hope that they're mature enough to work together and compromise on something that means a lot to BOTH OF THEM. And who knows? Maybe when her bank account is involved too, she'll be more willing to be frugal...although it sounds to me like there's some score keeping going on. She bought him an expensive gift once, so now she somehow deserves an expensive gift in return? I'm starting to side with the group that says they shouldn't be getting married to begin with.

[Pocky]

Let me point out there are two discussions here:

 

1)

 

I agree with you, as I have already stated previously, that the bigger issue here is that he's being forced to marry her. I think she should call the whole thing off for now.

 

 

2)

 

However, I think people are being a little unrealistic and unfair to her simply because she'd like a nicer ring. She stated he went to a place that's known to be expensive, so he could probably get something else that wouldn't cost much more. What's wrong with that? And so what if she wants a bigger diamond. If that's what she wants he can either decide to get if for her or not, but breaking her down because she has the desire to have something she feels is pretty is just utterly absurd in my opinion.

 

By the way some people are acting you'd think you've given up material objects and live in cave with no possessions. People have a right to determine what is important and what isn't important. If a ring with a large diamond is important to her then she has a right to feel that way.

[binturong]

However, I think people are being a little unrealistic and unfair to her simply because she'd like a nicer ring. She stated he went to a place that's known to be expensive, so he could probably get something else that wouldn't cost much more. What's wrong with that? And so what if she wants a bigger diamond. If that's what she wants he can either decide to get if for her or not, but breaking her down because she has the desire to have something she feels is pretty is just utterly absurd in my opinion.

 

I don't think that's quite the issue though. If it was a simple matter of taking the money and going to a cheaper store to get a bigger rock, I wouldn't see a problem with that. I don't have an issue with the fact that she doesn't like the ring, and I do happen to agree that 0.13 carats is really small (when we first started going out, my DH got me a puzzle ring with a 0.1 carat diamond in it as a birthday gift, so I know what 0.13 looks like). But it sounds to me that she's stuck more on the money issue than on the ring. She thinks he can afford to spend more, therefore he should...or else it means he doesn't love her?

 

Honestly, I think if they've been together for 6 years and he doesn't know her tastes, that says a lot right there. It almost seems like he wants to slide by with the least he can do to keep her happy. And it doesn't sound like he really cares all that much about her happiness. My DH picked the perfect ring for me, yet he let it be clearly known that if there was anything I wanted to change, it wouldn't be a problem. Marisa's BF already knew she'd be disappointed in the ring, but he still got it for her. But then again, we don't know the full situation. Maybe he wanted to go cheap on the ring so they could have more money to spend on a wedding or honeymoon. Would she rather he spend it all on a ring and then get married at the courthouse? And maybe she doesn't understand his finances as well as she thinks. She said she spent money on a gift for him when she really couldn't afford it. It's very possible that he's not that type of person and is more cautious with his money.

 

Either way, if they're going to get married, they need to learn how to communicate with each other...fast.

[savethedrama4allama]

I guess this is the problem with posting for advice in a forum.

 

We EACH have to decide what is right for ourselves, Marisa.

 

None of this would be okay with me- not his attitude, not his ring. You must decide what is right for you, but I certainly wouldn't sign up to spend my life with a man who didn't want the commitment and wasn't interested in giving me the best that he could.

 

Thats me, this is you. What are YOU going to do?

[jellybean]

Hmmm...Here we have a man who gives no thought, and spends as little money as possible on an engagement ring...the ring was just to appease her.

 

What we're discussing here - is a man who does NOT want to get married.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by jellybean

Hmmm...Here we have a man who gives no thought, and spends as little money as possible on an engagement ring...the ring was just to appease her.

 

What we're discussing here - is a man who does NOT want to get married.

 

 

I think we all agree on that.

 

It is my opinion that the issues behind the purchase of the small diamond should be more important than the diamond itself.

 

Its fine to want pretty things. (whatever that means to each of us)

 

If she were more concerned about him, she wouldn't pressure him to marry her. If he were concerned with her feelings, he wouldn't have slapped her in the face with a small diamond.

 

Its a symptom of a bigger problem.

[jmargel]

She told me she would have kept the same engagement ring, but getting the bigger one plus the wedding band was only $300 more. I would have spent more than $300 on the wedding band itself. So, financially it worked out for me. She just took a big loss in quality with the new ring.

 

Originally posted by Pocky

Uh........

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

With all the horrible things people do to each other that we read on these boards, I find it pathetic that some of you are taking the moral high ground with this girl as though she's just committed the greatest sin. She didn't like the ring. Big deal! She should be able to get a different one. Hell, if I kept every single thing I didn't like that my husband got me I'd have a closet full of ****.

 

She wasn't rude. She didn't put him down. She didn't mock him for picking out such a ****ty ring. She didn't make him feel like a fool. All she did was say she'd like something different. Some of you are acting like she's not even allowed to have her own preference and she should just be happy he's asked her to marry him! How utterly stupid. Does that mean that since he asked her to marry him she should now be forced to have the type of wedding he wants? What if she came on here and said her boyfriend only wants to get married at the courthouse and she's always wanted to have this wonderful wedding, but he won't let her? Would you say that she should just shut her mouth, you materialistic wench, and be glad he's marrying you, you worthless woman that's only interested in money.

 

Maybe while the rest of you are having affairs, screwing married men and women, spying on your spouse, neglecting the person that loves you and using NC as ploy to dupe someone into coming back to you, you could find time to be a little more understanding and not lambaste someone because they want nice things in their life.

[HokeyReligions]

I have not read all of the responses, so please pardon me if I'm repeating someone else.

 

It sounds to me like the ring is secondary - it is merely the catalyst for some deep reflection on the relationship. An eye-opener if you will, for Marisa.

 

It is not unreasonable for a couple to discuss marriage after so long together. Its a time to decide how they each want to proceed. To reflect on their own personal hopes and agendas for life and how they fit together. Many couples find that their priorities in life have taken very different roads and its time to break apart. Others will find that they are running parallel to each other and set goals and make plans to stay together.

 

The guy said he did not want to get married, but wanted to stay a couple -- maybe Marisa is his safety zone. He said that by purchasing a small ring. When Marisa expressed her dismay at the size, she was expressing her disappointment in the path the relationship was taking. The ring is symbolic of this and rather than face the underlying problem of different priorities, wants, desires, goals, and expectancies - they focused on the ring. Millions of people focus on symbols or object every day instead of admitting to and addressing the real issues.

 

It's difficult and painful to admit to oneself that a relationship in which one has invested so much of their time, energy, and heart is ending. It's human nature to grasp at whatever one can to stay together or to find a single cause to blame for the dissolution of the relationship.

 

Their relationship could still go either way - it depends on how they communicate to each other and how well they have defined their own goals and priorities, and their understanding of how they fit together. Nevermind the ring.

[RowanRavyn]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

I have not read all of the responses, so please pardon me if I'm repeating someone else.

 

It sounds to me like the ring is secondary - it is merely the catalyst for some deep reflection on the relationship. An eye-opener if you will, for Marisa.

 

It is not unreasonable for a couple to discuss marriage after so long together. Its a time to decide how they each want to proceed. To reflect on their own personal hopes and agendas for life and how they fit together. Many couples find that their priorities in life have taken very different roads and its time to break apart. Others will find that they are running parallel to each other and set goals and make plans to stay together.

 

The guy said he did not want to get married, but wanted to stay a couple -- maybe Marisa is his safety zone. He said that by purchasing a small ring. When Marisa expressed her dismay at the size, she was expressing her disappointment in the path the relationship was taking. The ring is symbolic of this and rather than face the underlying problem of different priorities, wants, desires, goals, and expectancies - they focused on the ring. Millions of people focus on symbols or object every day instead of admitting to and addressing the real issues.

 

It's difficult and painful to admit to oneself that a relationship in which one has invested so much of their time, energy, and heart is ending. It's human nature to grasp at whatever one can to stay together or to find a single cause to blame for the dissolution of the relationship.

 

Their relationship could still go either way - it depends on how they communicate to each other and how well they have defined their own goals and priorities, and their understanding of how they fit together. Nevermind the ring.

 

 

 

::CLAPS:: Beautifully put. Its been said before, but maybe the way you presented it, it will get through.

[Matilda]

Yes, very eloquently put Hokey.

[Marisa]

Hi all,

 

I guess really what it does come down to is a heart to heart discussion with my bf. I don't know what will happen but if this relationship were ever meant to be, something positive would come of it.

 

Having read all the responses, I have realilzed so many things. I do think in some ways or another that him buying me this ring was his way of appeasing me. He is afraid of losing me but he just can't get himself to want to commit to me or to marry me. He wants the freedom which he has lots of, since he lives in another province, to do what he wants and when he wants without me there. It almost feels that way.

 

I just hope that we can talk over these issues when we see eachother in person. I do not even know when that will be. I also regret telling all my family and friends that I was engaged to be married. I just don't want to give my family any grief over this if in the end we were to split up.

 

What bothers me alot is the fact that he knew the ring wasn't nice or even something I would have picked out myself. He even said it my face that he is a 'cheap' guy and the ring is not spectacular. How many women out there have heard this one before?????

 

When I buy gifts for him, I know what he wants and what he doesn't like. OF course I will spend my money on things he WILL like. I wouldn't ever buy something I knew he wouldn't want so I just don't understand why he would be this way????

 

Maybe he's hinting to me that he doesn't have the intention to marry after all.

 

Well I don't know what to do yet but the ring is the least of my concern right now. I think this situation has opened my eyes to something I really never realized before. Maybe this relationship is ending and maybe his love for me has dried up...

 

Well I really have to talk to him and clear everything up... this is the only way I could continue on here with him.

 

Marisa

[butterfly029]

I think you should give this ring back to him and tell him that you don't want to tie him up into something he is not ready for. And ask you again when he is sure that marying you is really what he wants. Also if you guys live together I would suggest moving out. If not, and he isn't anywhere near it, I would suggest taking some time appart to think things over and try to decide what you two want from this relationship. The ring may not matter, but it sure is an indicator. Tell him you don't want to ring because he feels like he HAS to give it to you. Tell him you want it because he WANTS to give it to you.