The reasons why I need this A to end

[Nothisgirl]

A few things have happened over the past day and a half that have solidified for me that I need this A to end sooner rather than later...I need to get them all down so I can refer back to this. Feel free to comment ...I'm all ears on how you got out and stayed out ..

 

In no particular order

 

- I don't trust him, Part of me is terrified he will leave his wife and want a relationship with me because then that leaves my ow space open and despite his claims that I'm all he's ever wanted I don't believe him..I mean actions speak louder than words and if that was true wouldn't he have already taken steps to make that happen?

- im tired of the crumbs, its taken me a while to admit it but I the crux of it is what he can offer me isn't enough

- I'm tired of his cake eating (Ty LS posters for showing me how he IS in fact eating cake despite his rebuttal against)

- I'm ashamed of my actions, of being the OW and doing this to another woman. I am not this person, at least I didn't think I was and I need to start the process of discovery as to how I ended up here

- I'm sick and tired of hearing myself say how sick and tired I am of this and that I deserve better, DAMN RIGHT I DO. So I'm going to take my own advice and DO something about it. Enough talking.

- I hate lying to my friends and family...it's eating away at me and I can't do it any longer

 

I'm sure there is more but there's the start...

 

 

I read something that said

"If its meant for you you won't have to beg for it. You will never have to sacrifice your DIGNITY for your DESTINY"

 

I'm done begging. Done being second.

 

 

So, I realize I've been talking about doing this for a while and a lot of you have been really helpful, but here I am and I've been unable to stick to and follow through on the "break up" and NC. so I'm asking, can anyone help me set a concrete plan. How do I do it so he gets I'm serious and how do I stick to it when my heart gets pulled back in? I've made a counselling appt for this weekend. Hopefully that will help too

[Lady2163]

I can't help you with a concrete plan.

 

What I can encourage you to do is be 100% upfront and honest with your counselor. Hopefully, they can help you work on goals, wants and needs.

 

Good luck. I think you are doing what is best for you.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

I'm sick and tired of hearing myself say how sick and tired I am of this and that I deserve better, DAMN RIGHT I DO. So I'm going to take my own advice and DO something about it. Enough talking.- I hate lying to my friends and family...it's eating away at me and I can't do it any longer

 

YES.... that is exactlly where I was!!! Sick of hearing myself same **** everyday. Only you can make a plan. Only you can fight the urges of NC!! It is tough... i'm there now. But, you have to take control of your own life, or it will never change. Remember what you want, What you DESERVE, you deserve more. Take.back your control.

 

Everyday I feel different..sad, mad, alone, I sometimes feel like I made the wrong decision. But, at the end of the day.. it had to end. Fight the urges..and it shall pass. I have been fortunate he hasn't contacted me...although sometimes it doesn't feel that way. Good Luck to you :-) :-)

[SunsetRed]

Wow, what a great point you brought up..if the OW gets promoted to Wife, then that does leave her position open for another OW.

 

I hated getting crumbs as well and getting lied to and never seeing him on a holiday and knowing that when he took "the kids" on a boat trip or vacation, she was there too. She wasn't just tagging along as he made it seem, she was an active participant in fun activities and I got nothing.

 

So, I hope you do get the courage to leave. Its not easy, though. I don't think I will ever stop thinking about him and the low self esteem part of me will always be wondering "what was wrong/deficient in me" that he wouldn't want to b w me.

 

Im trying to rise above the low self esteem part of me and hope to one day get it all right in the relationship dept. But either way, Im not gonna b an OW anymore.

[RickFox]

don't use the excuse of the heart, it's a muscle, nothing more. it's your head that decides what needs to be done and you already know, so simply stick to it. or do you want more heartache? no it won't be easy but if you realize all he's fighting for is to keep the excitement on the side and not because he wants more, with you, then you can weather the storm

[Nothisgirl]

I'm sick and tired of hearing myself say how sick and tired I am of this and that I deserve better, DAMN RIGHT I DO. So I'm going to take my own advice and DO something about it. Enough talking.- I hate lying to my friends and family...it's eating away at me and I can't do it any longer

 

YES.... that is exactlly where I was!!! Sick of hearing myself same **** everyday. Only you can make a plan. Only you can fight the urges of NC!! It is tough... i'm there now. But, you have to take control of your own life, or it will never change. Remember what you want, What you DESERVE, you deserve more. Take.back your control.

 

Everyday I feel different..sad, mad, alone, I sometimes feel like I made the wrong decision. But, at the end of the day.. it had to end. Fight the urges..and it shall pass. I have been fortunate he hasn't contacted me...although sometimes it doesn't feel that way. Good Luck to you :-) :-)

 

So proud of you for getting out...its incredibly hard when everything is wonderful minus him being married ( although i have certainly started to see the crack..its not all roses) may I ask how you did it? What you said?

 

Stay strong...you deserve more, we all do.

[Nothisgirl]

Wow, what a great point you brought up..if the OW gets promoted to Wife, then that does leave her position open for another OW.

 

I hated getting crumbs as well and getting lied to and never seeing him on a holiday and knowing that when he took "the kids" on a boat trip or vacation, she was there too. She wasn't just tagging along as he made it seem, she was an active participant in fun activities and I got nothing.

 

So, I hope you do get the courage to leave. Its not easy, though. I don't think I will ever stop thinking about him and the low self esteem part of me will always be wondering "what was wrong/deficient in me" that he wouldn't want to b w me.

 

Im trying to rise above the low self esteem part of me and hope to one day get it all right in the relationship dept. But either way, Im not gonna b an OW anymore.

 

It's that old adage...if they do it with you they will do it to you :/ he can swear up and down he'd never cheat on me but the fact is I don't believe him for a second.

 

And that's how I feel too..I'd rather be alone than share one man with another (unknowing!!) woman...like when I think about that, really dive deep it makes me so angry!! Like why in the world am I giving myself to this coward...ill no longer be a bandaid to his marriage..to his life. He needs to grow a set and/or accept what his life is.

[SunsetRed]

Yes, we really are a band aid to their miserable marriage. We are giving them the missing parts, esp the sex. This is not to say that they will leave when we're gone. They're more likely to replace us a w FWB person and continue on in the marriage.

 

And they would cheat on us too. I LOVE your analogy of our OW spot being open once w became the wife

[Nothisgirl]

don't use the excuse of the heart, it's a muscle, nothing more. it's your head that decides what needs to be done and you already know, so simply stick to it. or do you want more heartache? no it won't be easy but if you realize all he's fighting for is to keep the excitement on the side and not because he wants more, with you, then you can weather the storm

 

Well and that's just it. I need to use my head and forget what my heart "wants"

It remains to be seen if he will "fight" for me however I'm not willing to continue regardless. If need to see him moving out, being on his own and then total transparency.

[Nothisgirl]

Yes, we really are a band aid to their miserable marriage. We are giving them the missing parts, esp the sex. This is not to say that they will leave when we're gone. They're more likely to replace us a w FWB person and continue on in the marriage.

 

And they would cheat on us too. I LOVE your analogy of our OW spot being open once w became the wife

 

I truly believe this! My exH married his OW and she cheated on him 8 mos into their marriage and then left him. I joke that she liked him more when he was someone else's (my) H :/

 

I agree, I AM my MM partner in all senses ie:

-he calls me to work through problems

-he shares his joy and victories with my the minute they happen

-I'm the one he lays awake and dreams with

-I'm his sounding board for business related issues

-I'm the one he's talking to at midnight on NYE (while his W is in the other room)

-he talks to me about parenting issues and asks my advice

 

The list goes on and on. Seriously. I'm not suggesting I'm more important than his W I am just saying that I play that role for him. I fill the gaps and make his life more fulfilling and whole without him actually having to make any changes!!! Just typing that infuriates me! WHY am I doing this? While I still have to hide, lie, etc. while I share all my challenges and victories in life with him too it's not enough. It's just not. I'm not willing to be the bandaid the piece of the puzzle that makes his life at home tolerable. screw that!! Again, he needs to man up, or not. His choice because either way I'm not holding his hand through it. I just can't. I'm worth more.

[Rollercoaster Rider]

So proud of you for getting out...its incredibly hard when everything is wonderful minus him being married ( although i have certainly started to see the crack..its not all roses) may I ask how you did it? What you said?

 

Stay strong...you deserve more, we all do.

When you open your eyes and see the real person... they really aren't so great! I think we make them great so to speak. I know and sad to say this.. I put up with so much BS from my MOM that I would never tolerate from my own husband. Ashamed and disgusted to admit that.

 

 

I ended things in a somewhat cowardly way. I am a MOW, so we were on the phone the day before things ended and he totally cut me off in the middle of a story, to get off the phone with me. I was in total shock, he never did that before. It was rude, he basically dismissed me. So, the next day I didn't call him. He texted me in the afternoon saying hi and then saying hope everything is okay... are you done talking to me? To me, I felt like he had been looking for me to say Yes. So, I texted him back a little bit later pretending to be my husband and basically saying - I know all about you and my wife, stop texting her phone. I knew this would be the only way for him to truly not contact me. Anytime before I told him it was over, even crying and saying how this isn't my life anymore.. he would pick up the phone and call me the next day like nothing had happened. and I stupidly would go right back to the same old ****. So, after the text.. the next day he called my friend and asked her what happened. He said he was worried about me and so on. So, I called him and told him he's not worried about me he's worried about himself..and he is fine. I told him I handled it he has nothing to worry about, very short call with no emotion. He later called my friend and told her to tell me to have a nice Fu***** life, and that he didn't appreciate me treating him like s***. LOL!!!!!!!!!!! Funny how when you treat them the way they treat you, it's not okay! I ended up texting him a week later to say how after all we went through.. have a nice life was all he could say to me? He asked me to call him the next day and I did. Last phone call was him saying he couldn't handle things anymore, it was to much to carry 2 phones and he had anxiety the last time we were out to lunch together. He said his feelings didn't change but, he couldn't do THIS anymore. LOL... I said there is a difference.. you don't want to! And then he said ..I think we need to say Goodbye. I said Goodbye, he said he was handing his work phone in, which is how we talked/texted. Told me I could call his personal phone if I needed or wanted to talk- I said No Thank you....he said well you can. We said Goodbye.. and that was a month ago tomorrow. I haven't heard a word from him.

 

 

With all that said... there will never be a right time to walk away. You think that it's the end of the world when it ends, and the anxiety pushes you back to them to ease the pain. But, the longer you hold on...the worse it gets. I wish I did this a long time ago. I wasted so much time on somebody who I thought was something he never was, someone I thought truly cared about me... but really never did. I never wanted him to leave his wife... never even was a discussion. One time I asked him if we would ever be together..his response was probably not... and I was okay with that. At the end of the day, I wouldn't have wanted him once I got him anyways.

 

 

You can do this...

[Nothisgirl]

RR, I remember reading your story now...how painful no matter how it ends it hurts..I'm sure.

 

I can do this and I started the process today..I called him on something I knew he was omitting to me and he bold faced lied even though I have proof of the truth idk why it shocks me that he lied to me...he's always said he never would but now that I know he has I don't believe anything he's said to me I feel so incredibly stupid. I didn't respond to his last message which was a bunch of bull**** about how he is sorry I am hurting but didn't think he did anything wrong :/ un****ingbelievable. And he ended it with "hope you're ok". A far as I am concerned if he was really concerned about how I was he would man up and be honest for once in his life not to mention pick up the phone and call to check.

 

I feel like I am coming out of this fog almost...like I'm seeing things so clearly. Maybe ill start another post I'm interested to know what the "affair fog" felt like for everyone else and the subsequent breakthroughs once you came out of it

 

Thank you for your encouragement ((hug))

[sunburned]

A

I'm sure there is more but there's the start...

 

 

So, I realize I've been talking about doing this for a while and a lot of you have been really helpful, but here I am and I've been unable to stick to and follow through on the "break up" and NC. so I'm asking, can anyone help me set a concrete plan. How do I do it so he gets I'm serious and how do I stick to it when my heart gets pulled back in? I've made a counselling appt for this weekend. Hopefully that will help too

 

You're not writing an emergency evacuation plan, you aren't applying to medical school. You aren't writing a business plan to get seed capital for a start-up. It's simple. It's not easy, but it's simple There's no three-part plan needed. You just walk.

 

 

And how do you get him to realize you're serious? By acting like it! You don't answer his calls, you don't answer his texts. One of the (few) beauties of being an OW is you don't owe him anything!! It's your get out of jail free card. His W doesn't have one. You do, sweetie!!

 

 

Stop saying you won't hold his hand, you won't be his bandaid, you won't be second, etc. That's exactly what you are doing now!! And, at 33, you are wasting precious time doing it. Don't you want kids, a family? Time to walk your own talk. Just tell him "I can't do this anymore. I need someone who's available and exclusively mine. If you love me as you say you do, you will respect my wishes for no contact." Or something like that!

 

 

Then, if he doesn't? IGNORE him and better yet, block him.

 

 

Similar to rollercoaster rider, I cut the cord with my former MOM, he was so upset and so was I, quite honestly. We ended up with a brief period of LC, which I now think he orchestrated just to be the one to break up the second time. I could see where the convo was headed (rejection!) so I just went NC the day before we were supposed to talk again. That was more than 4 mos ago. It is HARD, especially in the beginning. As others have said, the only way to get over it is to go through it.

 

 

It sounds so high school (and I am about 10 yrs older than you!) but you will feel better (while still feeling like sh*t) if you are the one to walk. You keep your power. You will also feel better just doing the right thing! As a former BS yourself, you surely "get" this, right?

 

 

From what you've said, he seems like the type to throw you under the proverbial bus should it come to that. Please walk (no, run!) before you get hit.

[whichwayisup]

Seriously. I'm not suggesting I'm more important than his W I am just saying that I play that role for him.

 

You SHOULD BE most important! The only way to BE number one is to end it, grieve the loss and end up with a (single) guy who will make you his top priority. You'll never be his number one as long as you are the OW. You miss out on so much...

 

I wish you strength to end it once and for all.

[Nothisgirl]

Sunburned, you hit the nail on the head. It's not rocket science and while its not easy it is simple. We talked (argued) more late last night and he still not admitting the truth. So frustrating. And in my head I'm thinking "I don't need to argue with him" but I'm forging on because well, idk why.

 

Today is the day. I have an email drafted that includes your words verbatim (hope that's ok??) "

I can't do this anymore. I need someone who's available and exclusively mine. If you love me as you say you do, you will respect my wishes for no contact"

 

I also have my first IC appt today so its good timing.

 

Thank you again for your candid answer. You've been so helpful to me. You remind me a lot of my BFF and what she would say if she knew about mm.

[Nothisgirl]

You SHOULD BE most important! The only way to BE number one is to end it, grieve the loss and end up with a (single) guy who will make you his top priority. You'll never be his number one as long as you are the OW. You miss out on so much...

 

I wish you strength to end it once and for all.

 

WHOA. Wake up call :/ Ty for this. You're absolutely right. I SHOULD be #1 and despite him saying I am his actions certainly show different.

[sunburned]

Glad to be of some help, nothisgirl. And no pride in authorship here. I'm sure those words were inspired by my time on LS anyway. Community property, as it were.

 

 

My heart goes out to you. My sitch was different but so painful nonetheless. I just see a train wreck headed your way and a lot of us are trying to get you off the track!

Please send that email so we can start calling you NotThisGirl!