Are affairs blown out of proportion?

[Owl]

Now I would agree that SOMETIMES personality can play a factor in how hurt someone is when betrayed.

 

But I'd consider investment equally a factor.

 

I can't imagine someone who isn't hurt by an affair as someone who is heavily invested into the relationship.

 

It just doesn't make any sense to me. If you're heavily invested in the relationship...it's going to hurt. If you're not, then it'll hurt less. If it doesn't hurt...how could you actually have invested much into the relationship???

[Snipercatt]

But, recently is a relative term, to one person recent could be 5 years to another, 6 months. It takes different people longer to get over things than others.

e

 

ZMM, I will repeat, you have to know the stories. Many post here enthusiastically, and healed. You sarcastically posted that maybe some people just post here for fun. There are some of those here, too. Really. you may find that absurd, but it doesn't change the reality.

[lollipopspot]

I was wondering if perhaps we blow affairs way out of proportion. It seems to me people compare it to such huge things and it seems like such a first world problem. After all female infidelity where the are viewed as property usually ends in death but only women. The person you married to lied. Everyone lies. There are truly some evil things going on in this world that are beyond anything I have experienced. Maybe we make a bigger deal out of it than we should?

 

I kind of see what you mean.

 

Particularly with failing marriages, I often think there are a lot of betrayals leading up to an affair, often by both parties, but it's the affair that seems to count as the biggest or only one, when sometimes I don't think that's the case.

 

Everyone has a different experience of their relationship, so it's hard to make a statement about everyone blowing affairs out of proportion (so no offense to anyone here!), but in general, I don't think they always have to be as emotionally devastating as they are made to be. For me, I've definitely experienced worse things than my partner's affair. When my partner did it to me, I believe he still cared about me, but it was just time for the relationship to end (although I couldn't really admit it at the time), and I guess he didn't have the courage to do it sooner and before being in another relationship. I forgive him for that.

Edited January 9, 2014 by lollipopspot

[ladydesigner]

So I am really curious then should an MM/MW or OM/OW also not blow things out of proportion when the A ends. Say the MM throws the OW under the bus, are her feelings out of proportion? I guess I am an overly emotional person because I just do not understand the OP's POV.

[MissBee]

Miss Bee

 

One thing you CAN say is a that a very high percentage of those who come to an internet forum to discuss infidelity are hurt as you put it. As to the general population, it would have to be much lesser as some of those people aren't currently or never have had to deal with it. Not everyone has an infidelity issue. Some people probably never even think about it. So, to say that the posters on this forum are a representative sample of the general population, quite frankly doesn't hold water.

 

 

I give up.

 

Alright.

[veritas lux mea]

So I am really curious then should an MM/MW or OM/OW also not blow things out of proportion when the A ends. Say the MM throws the OW under the bus, are her feelings out of proportion? I guess I am an overly emotional person because I just do not understand the OP's POV.

 

I think AP are the rulers of blowing it out of proportion. You get involved with someone who is married you are asking for trouble.

[veritas lux mea]

I will say that i am not personaly saying everyone over reacts. Same for OW who get thrown under the bus. But I would say maybe it is blown out of proportion at times. A good example is that thread in the Infedlity section where a woman made out with a guy in public at a bar. The advice given some of did not seem to match the "crime". And a polygraph? Nobody I know has ever used one to prove fidelity.

[MissBee]

Blowing out of proportion is about perspective. Plain and simple.

 

If infidelity is a way of life for you and your normal then naturally you see it as ordinary life and just another day, if it isn't, or depending on the repercussions (example: your children no longer respect you, OW who end up pregnant, BSs who end up with diseases, MPs who end up with bunnyboilers, those whose As end in violence) then it is a big deal.

 

Out of proportion has to be in comparison to something and it has to be something in that specific person's life...not just abstract things in the world or based on some other person's life. Anything can be blown out of proportion sometimes, but your initial post made it seem like ANY upset reaction to infidelity as damaging was an overreaction. But again, overreaction is not your call, you can react anyway you choose in your own life to betrayal, other people aren't you and will react differently.

 

Just because something has become your normal doesn't mean it's necessarily right. Lots of people who are abused or have been around infidelity their entire lives have no other reference point for what is considered being treated well and with respect, so for them they see infidelity as no big deal. That is sad. It isn't a testament to them having the "right" perspective or keeping it in the right proportion...quite the opposite in fact. It is that their bar and standard is low because mistreatment and betrayal is all they know.

 

People will never stop being hurt by betrayal, regardless of if it is infidelity or some other kind. That is part of being human. People who claim not to be hurt by it are usually those who have put up a shell because they've experienced so much hurt previously; it's usually a defense mechanism and not something you step out the womb feeling. If you see infidelity as no big deal, then do you. But other people aren't being irrational because they are greatly hurt by it, esp if that is not their normal.

Edited January 9, 2014 by MissBee

[veritas lux mea]

I have seen a lot of irrational behaviour involved in affairs by everyone including the BS. Like that thread I mentioned or the lady who torched her boyfriend's truck and dog. That tells me she may have had her hopes set a little too high perhaps? I dunno, i see the points being made and I guess it is right. Most people don't have the ability to be rational when hurting. I do think unrealistic expectations put on a fallible human play a part. And I do think if people learned to be a little more thankful they aren't being blown apart by bombs and their children being raped it also could help.

[MuddyFootprints]

If a bomb gets dropped on a relationship, chances are it will be completely blown apart. Does proportion matter when everything you see is rubble?

[Snipercatt]

the lady who torched her boyfriend's truck and dog.

 

Assuming that happened, it is her behavior that is abhorrent. What were the consequences to her, for tht?

[veritas lux mea]

If a bomb gets dropped on a relationship, chances are it will be completely blown apart. Does proportion matter when everything you see is rubble?

 

Comparing the emotional bomb of infedlity to people who live in fear of being blown to bits leaves the one far behind. I would rather my husband cheat on me than be starving to death and struggling to feed my children while fearing a horrible and painful death could be just around the corner. I'd rather my husband cheat on me with a consenting adult than find out he is messing with children.

[MissBee]

I have seen a lot of irrational behaviour involved in affairs by everyone including the BS. Like that thread I mentioned or the lady who torched her boyfriend's truck and dog. That tells me she may have had her hopes set a little too high perhaps? I dunno, i see the points being made and I guess it is right. Most people don't have the ability to be rational when hurting. I do think unrealistic expectations put on a fallible human play a part. And I do think if people learned to be a little more thankful they aren't being blown apart by bombs and their children being raped it also could help.

 

 

Sorry...but I will not live my life by using greater human atrocities as the measure of how bad/not bad my situation is.

 

I am grateful for the good in my life and when I complain about petty bad, I know things could be worse and try to keep that in perspective.

 

But I will not accept poor treatment and find solace in the fact that I am not being blown up by a bomb. I think you have it twisted, respectfully. I mean seriously...if your spouse is murdered what exactly should you do? Calm down and realize the Holocaust happened to others and at least your whole family isn't dead? I'm actually asking you how do you practically apply your personal philosophy?

 

I think we should all aspire to be better people and to make the world a better place and acknowledging your own pain doesn't take away from greater atrocities neither is it right or a normal reaction for people to constantly downplay their hurt by trying to find something worse happening to someone else...this is very odd.

 

For every bad thing someone can try to one-up..what's the point? By then we will start to say okay only the people at some imaginary top of the totem pole of hurt/trauma/tragedy have a right to feel bad and everyone below should just be glad they aren't this person.

 

Humans don't work like that and never will, sorry.

[Snipercatt]

I call this thread fully cycled & recycled.

[veritas lux mea]

Assuming that happened, it is her behavior that is abhorrent. What were the consequences to her, for tht?

 

She is being charged with destruction of private property and animal abuse. But she got herself worked up to that state by how hard she was hit by his cheating. So it is relevant. I realize it isn't the norm thank god. But if she had just burned the truck there would be people who sided with her.

 

Anyways, I have to toodle. I'm sparatotic here but if I'm not back to reply it is because I don't want to bring up old threads. If anyone actually wants to ask me something feel free to pm. I'm not in anyway emotionaly invested in this conversation and have found people's pov helpful.

[MissBee]

Comparing the emotional bomb of infedlity to people who live in fear of being blown to bits leaves the one far behind. I would rather my husband cheat on me than be starving to death and struggling to feed my children while fearing a horrible and painful death could be just around the corner. I'd rather my husband cheat on me with a consenting adult than find out he is messing with children.

 

I think most people feel that way...so what though?

 

Like honestly, do you not see the danger in this type of thinking? Like where is the cap on it? I mean...if your husband was messing with children? What is to stop me or anyone else from saying "Well at least he is only a pedophile and not a murderer..." I mean really I'm sorry veritas...see my point on the totem pole and with this kind of constant comparison of finding worse, that all of a sudden no atrocity is addressed besides those on some top of the pole, and the top of this pole is NOT objective either, as what is worse than what is not universal.

 

I think it is more productive for us to address all atrocities big and small and find ways to alleviate them and live in such a way where we aren't committing them and inflicting those pains on other people...NOT just keep passing the baton by looking for worse things.

 

As my bestfriend always says "You will NEVER get better when you compare yourself to people who are worse." I have always lived by that. Comparing yourself and your situation to things worse is lazy and always makes you seem like you're on top. But there will always be things better than your situation and things worse, so aspire to what is better and when you do you see how messed up your situation is versus getting numb and saying oh well no need to try for better as I'm not being blown up...like what?! If that is your philosophy in life, then fine, but for me I aspire to what I see as better and I put things in perspective when I'm being petty but I don't accept shoddy treatment by constantly looking for worse so that I think my own situation isn't so bad.

[Snipercatt]

Veri, you think people react out of proportion to infidelity.

 

Less than a month ago you were lamenting the loss of MM from your life and the end of the affair and being backed over by xMM's bus, several times. You were metaphorically bleeding on the forum.

 

Perhaps it is your perspective that is out of focus. Maybe time will help.

[MissBee]

Veri, you think people react out of proportion to infidelity.

 

Less than a month ago you were lamenting the loss of MM from your life and the end of the affair and being backed over by xMM's bus, several times. You were metaphorically bleeding on the forum.

 

Perhaps it is your perspective that is out of focus. Maybe time will help.

 

This makes sense.

 

I do think this type of view is often a defense mechanism when you have been hurt a lot, so you find ways to not feel that hurt and spin it as not so bad. It can be easier than admitting you're vulnerable and it hurts. It's not usually being more enlightened but more beat down by bad that you find looking for worse makes your situation more palatable.

[Eggplant]

But the extent the person is crushed and how much their life is destroyed I think could be in direct relation to an unrealistic polyannish view of a relationship.

You are victim-blaming.

 

If you ever want a true, deep connection, it involves giving over trust, and making yourself vulnerable. On the other hand, if you want to protect yourself from the devastation caused by betrayal, you harden your heart, and you may never know true love, one of the things that makes being alive worthwhile. The stakes are high either way, and a personal decision.

[ComingInHot]

Ever see the flick "Liar Liar"? There's a line in there where the son looks at his father and says, "..but my teacher says beauty comes from the inside". Jim Carry ' s character as the father responds, "That's just something Ugly people say to make themselves feel better."**

 

I liken that quip to this thread topic.

The whole "blowing it out of proportion" is just something cheaters say to make themselves feel better.

Thinking about this further, there are times all parties tell themselves thing to make themselves "feel better". Both BS ' S and the cheaters. ...

[Owl]

Comparing the emotional bomb of infedlity to people who live in fear of being blown to bits leaves the one far behind. I would rather my husband cheat on me than be starving to death and struggling to feed my children while fearing a horrible and painful death could be just around the corner. I'd rather my husband cheat on me with a consenting adult than find out he is messing with children.

 

I'm going to give you some food for thought here, since this went down this path.

 

I've experienced and been treated for PTSD twice in my life. Once for post-combat stress...once as a result of my wife's EA, which is somewhat a debate as to whether it was a 'new' episode or a trigger for remaining, existant PTSD.

 

I've seen people blown to bits...friends, strangers killed. Guys I was responsible for, drank the night before with, ran across the same field with and found myself still standing at the far side when they weren't.

 

Newsflash...dealing with the PTSD induced by an affair was equally painful.

 

Both hurt tremendously. In fact, there were similar feelings...mostly helplessness of things that I couldn't control.

 

So while I get what you're trying to say...I don't know that my experience entirely supports your viewpoint.

[Snipercatt]

Owl, thank you for your service and sacrifices!

 

Your experience is reality, Veri's post was simply her untested and inexperienced theory.

 

As Miss Bee posted, it is all about perspective.

Edited January 10, 2014 by Snipercatt

[ZMM]

I'm going to give you some food for thought here, since this went down this path.

 

I've experienced and been treated for PTSD twice in my life. Once for post-combat stress...once as a result of my wife's EA, which is somewhat a debate as to whether it was a 'new' episode or a trigger for remaining, existant PTSD.

 

I've seen people blown to bits...friends, strangers killed. Guys I was responsible for, drank the night before with, ran across the same field with and found myself still standing at the far side when they weren't.

 

Newsflash...dealing with the PTSD induced by an affair was equally painful.

 

Both hurt tremendously. In fact, there were similar feelings...mostly helplessness of things that I couldn't control.

 

So while I get what you're trying to say...I don't know that my experience entirely supports your viewpoint.

 

Thanks for your service!

 

I truly hope for the best for you. You are a good man.

[Confusion_Reigns]

When I think back on my own life I'd have to say that being cheated on was not the most horrific thing that ever happened to me. It was awful, oh yes, it hurt like nothing I've ever experienced before. But with time and retrospect no it was not the very worst or most painful thing that's ever taken place in my life.

 

 

I'm not going to minimize the pain experienced by anyone, tho, it's all relative to the person. Had I not been thru such horrible things prior to the betrayal then I believe I may feel differently right now. Maybe this is the very worst thing a person will ever experience in their lives...and even that is horrible...do they have no real internal comparison for anything worse.

[rumbleseat]

I'm going to give you some food for thought here, since this went down this path.

 

I've experienced and been treated for PTSD twice in my life. Once for post-combat stress...once as a result of my wife's EA, which is somewhat a debate as to whether it was a 'new' episode or a trigger for remaining, existant PTSD.

 

I've seen people blown to bits...friends, strangers killed. Guys I was responsible for, drank the night before with, ran across the same field with and found myself still standing at the far side when they weren't.

 

Newsflash...dealing with the PTSD induced by an affair was equally painful.

 

Both hurt tremendously. In fact, there were similar feelings...mostly helplessness of things that I couldn't control.

 

So while I get what you're trying to say...I don't know that my experience entirely supports your viewpoint.

 

I have seen this too. For the people I have talked to who have been through both, the pain from being in combat and seeing friends and other wounded or killed was on the same level as the pain from finding out their spouse was unfaithful.

 

It may have been different, but it was equal.