Are affairs blown out of proportion?

[Scott Thomas]

Dear Lady,

 

I find it a bit ironic that you were complaining about the AP abandoning you (in your threads). Shouldn't you have expected that? Yet the preemptive realisation that he had a wife didn't mitigate your complains.

 

If your husband decided to sleep with your best friend/cousin, would you be 'less hurt'. After all, he could've slept with your sister but that didn't happen. While I hope that this doesn't happen, would it really minimise the betrayal.

 

 

Since you're find of Latin quotes (The truth us my goal:Veritas Lux Mea), here are a few words for you:

 

Ab Alio Spectes Alteri Quod Feceris

[Scott Thomas]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you set up a fake Facebook profile to (dirty) talk with your AP, until you 'get bored', while you're trying to reconcile with your husband. While this isn't related to the discussion, I think it's possible that when people experience conflicting emotions, their ability to comprehend and analyse might be affected. Consequently, since your actions in daily life seem contradictory, your emotions might also be impacted, affecting the degree to which you might empathise with other people.

[Shepp]

promising someone you loyalty and your love and ten knifing them in the back when there not looking, not one but again and again and again :sick:

 

The world would be a better place if people took affairs MORE seriously!!!

[firemanq]

I was wondering if perhaps we blow affairs way out of proportion. It seems to me people compare it to such huge things and it seems like such a first world problem. After all female infidelity where the are viewed as property usually ends in death but only women. The person you married to lied. Everyone lies. There are truly some evil things going on in this world that are beyond anything I have experienced. Maybe we make a bigger deal out of it than we should?

 

 

 

Oh crap! My lying cheating x-wife tracked me here!

[Kate9292]

Yes, I think affairs are blown out of proportion.

 

Just because someone had sex with someone else than their partner doesn't mean they don't love or respect their partner.

 

Ultimately nothing is lost if your partner has sex with someone else, at least if you weren't available that night/day.

[MissBee]

Yes, I think affairs are blown out of proportion.

 

Just because someone had sex with someone else than their partner doesn't mean they don't love or respect their partner.

 

Ultimately nothing is lost if your partner has sex with someone else, at least if you weren't available that night/day.

 

Is this a joke?

[Kate9292]

No.

 

I don't see value in monogamy, it would be simpler if all people could just have sex with whoever they wanted and be adult about it.

 

As long as there are no STDs I don't see a problem.

[Scott Thomas]

No.

 

I don't see value in monogamy, it would be simpler if all people could just have sex with whoever they wanted and be adult about it.

 

As long as there are no STDs I don't see a problem.

 

The problem with cheaters is that they like to sleep with other people but won't extend the same courtesy, or the truth (and hence the decision to stay in a relationship) to their significant partner. There is a difference betwwen free love and downright deception.

[Kate9292]

Yeah, but it's deception that's the problem, not sleeping with someone else.

 

There are other things that involve deception that are just as bad. For example if guy pretends to want a relationship just to get into woman's pants, that's no better and a lot of deception too. But there isn't anywhere near the same backlash about it as it is about affairs.

[Snipercatt]

As long as there are no STDs I don't see a problem

 

 

Those pesky STD'S!

[MissBee]

Yeah, but it's deception that's the problem, not sleeping with someone else.

 

Precisely. Which is why I was confused at your answer.

 

The thread/topic is about cheating and cheaters, which means it involves deceit. It's not about monogamy itself and whether we think monogamy is right or wrong, out of style or in fashion.

 

But I think that seems to be often conflated. People excusing cheating on the basis of not believing in monogamy when the two haven't anything to do with each other. You can not believe in monogamy and sleep with whomever, but be honest about it and don't date anyone under false pretenses.

[Owl]

Yeah, but it's deception that's the problem, not sleeping with someone else.

 

There are other things that involve deception that are just as bad. For example if guy pretends to want a relationship just to get into woman's pants, that's no better and a lot of deception too. But there isn't anywhere near the same backlash about it as it is about affairs.

 

That's because the depth of betrayal isn't as great. They weren't in an ESTABLISHED relationship.

 

Don't take me wrong...I agree that doing so is WRONG.

 

And it's fine if you don't personally believe in monogamy. Don't marry, don't ever PROMISE to be monogamous, and you won't betray anyone in this fashion. AND...don't get involved with someone else who HAS promised monogamy to someone else.

 

Then there's no betrayel, and no one is hurt. Simple.

 

It's a big deal because of the BETRAYAL. Because of the promise that was broken by a (theoretically) committed partner.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The pain someone feels from being deceived and lied to by somebody they thought they were in mutual love with is a very, very big deal. The rest of the world's pain might as well not exist when you're in the midst of that. It takes your breath away.

 

I got dumped in 2012 but a guy I was in love with, living with, and thought I had a future with. He left me out of the blue after two years. I wasn't even cheated on, but that was the worst pain I've ever felt. I've watched my own lovely mum drink herself to death in my very early twenties, lost a brother and two nephews through being frozen out for no good reason, lived with chronic pain for nine years and been through a host of other bad things happen. Know what? Nothing, nothing on this earth compared to the pain I felt when my ex left me. Sure you could say, hey you watched your mum die, what's a relationship ending in comparison to that? But it doesn't work that way. The breakup was a thousand times more painful than any of the other **** put together. And infidelity wasn't even involved.

 

Who are you to say that someone's pain is irrelevant compared to other stuff? Loving and trusting somebody makes us very, very vulnerable. We have hopes and dreams for the future and in long relationships have built up a life behind us. I cannot even imagine how people go on each day when they suddenly find out their partner has been having an affair. I too have been in many prisons, worked with convicted rapists and murderers, worked with people who were actively suicidal. I'm not immune to the harsh realities of life yet I would never minimise someone else's pain, whatever caused it!

[veritas lux mea]

1. I blew things way out of proportion with my xMM. Duh, it is stupid to trust someone who is actively cheating. Of course he would protect himself and care little about me in the end. Being gutted by it was stupid of me.

 

2. I really don't think my past cheating contributes to this in except I am more open minded about cheating. I don't think all cheaters are bad nor all cases worth some of the drama put into them by either the WS, BS, or the AP.

 

Reading here and suddenly having an interest in human natre as pertins to infidelity has lead me to be interested in this subject. And this wasn't about monogamy or what not. U promise to be faithful you damn well should be faithful, you know? But if your not, well, are you really the scumm of the earth that peope go on and on on here about.

 

Punishing, created consequences, the scarlet A, poisning the kids, ect ect.

 

Finding out your child was raped by X 10 and beyond anything anyone can imagine.

Spouse let's someone hump them? Don't really think it is worth the rancor some BS display on here or like the woman who torched her boyfriends truck and dog.

[M30USA]

A while back my ex wife's family said that one of the in-law husbands had an "affair" and "cheated". I only assumed they were telling the truth. This was before I understood how much they distort and lie. Lo and behold, a few years later I found out it was an "emotional affair". No physical contact, but merely a friendship with a coworker where he confided in her. Sure, he might have crossed a social line, but come on...an affair? These people are ridiculous.

 

During my divorce, I was also accused of having an "affair". They tossed that word around in court. What they were talking about was a porn problem I had and also, prior to my marriage, I briefly messed with online adult sites. It was stupid of me, but for them to say I had an "affair" is a joke. Yeah, show me the woman. Please hire a private detective and lets see this woman I had an affair with. You gotta love how terms like "affair" are thrown around like the wind.

Edited January 14, 2014 by M30USA

[Confusion_Reigns]

That's because the depth of betrayal isn't as great. They weren't in an ESTABLISHED relationship.

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with this statement. Unless you've had that happen to you, honestly, you really have no idea how utterly devastating that can be. It's a hateful thing to find out that someone you really-really like...love in fact because you've allowed them to get so close to you....has lied to you all this time just to sleep with you...and there was no reciprocal feelings on their part. Yea, that's a hateful thing to have happen to you and it hurts...not only your feelings but your faith in the goodness of people.

[Snipercatt]

I really don't think my past cheating contributes to this in except I am more open minded about cheating

 

Perspective is, by definition, a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something. .

 

Of course your past cheating and recent musings on wanting to exchange sexting messages with xMM via Facebook with a fake profile definitely have something to do with your lenient attitude towards cheating. It would with anyone. You'd be horribly conflicted if you hadn't changed your attitude to permit you to do what you've done/are doing.

 

In fact your comment proves it. You say that you haven't changed how you think about cheating EXCEPT now you are more open minded about it. Did your attitude change because you cheated, or did you cheat because your attitude changed?

Edited January 14, 2014 by Snipercatt

[yellowmaverick]

 

U promise to be faithful you damn well should be faithful, you know? But if

your not, well, are you really the scumm of the earth that peope go on and on on

here about. Yes.

 

See bolded. Moral integrity is not situational.

[cocorico]

I was wondering if perhaps we blow affairs way out of proportion. It seems to me people compare it to such huge things and it seems like such a first world problem.

 

Agree. When I read of people who say infidelity is the worst thing that ever happened to them, I can't help thinking how sheltered their lives must be if that really is the worst that they have had to deal with.

 

Infidelity was common where I grew up. So were deaths each winter from hypothermia, because parents had nothing more substantial than a thin beach towel with which to cover their thin, undernourished kids at night. Deaths from starvation were common, as were kids succumbing to third degree burns from inadequate cooking arrangements, or diarrhoea, or preventable diseases, or shack fires. Death squads roamed and people disappeared, horrific forms of torture and abuse were used to curb dissent and violence was endemic. Rape was used as a form of social control, even on babies, and everyone lived in a climate of fear. Young men were conscripted to fight in a war few believed in, and were systematically dehumanised and brutalised such that many could never regain "normality" after discharge. Families were never given the bodies to bury of loved ones who were kidnapped and tortured to death, never given the closure of knowing what happened, and were often fed lies to lose doubt about their loved ones. Parents had to watch small children executed in front of them, their daughters raped, powerless, "as a warning". Suicide, and extended suicide (family murders) were common. PTSD was normal. Trust was simply asking for betrayal, and kids learned that early.

 

Yes, people would get upset if their partner was unfaithful - however commonplace it was - but they kept a sense of proportion. The worst was only ever a heartbeat away, after all.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Cocorico, I'm so sorry you and everyone else had to experience that horrible horrible situation. My heart goes out to you and them...I truly hope and pray that you're home isn't like that anymore.

[Owl]

Agree. When I read of people who say infidelity is the worst thing that ever happened to them, I can't help thinking how sheltered their lives must be if that really is the worst that they have had to deal with.

 

Infidelity was common where I grew up. So were deaths each winter from hypothermia, because parents had nothing more substantial than a thin beach towel with which to cover their thin, undernourished kids at night. Deaths from starvation were common, as were kids succumbing to third degree burns from inadequate cooking arrangements, or diarrhoea, or preventable diseases, or shack fires. Death squads roamed and people disappeared, horrific forms of torture and abuse were used to curb dissent and violence was endemic. Rape was used as a form of social control, even on babies, and everyone lived in a climate of fear. Young men were conscripted to fight in a war few believed in, and were systematically dehumanised and brutalised such that many could never regain "normality" after discharge. Families were never given the bodies to bury of loved ones who were kidnapped and tortured to death, never given the closure of knowing what happened, and were often fed lies to lose doubt about their loved ones. Parents had to watch small children executed in front of them, their daughters raped, powerless, "as a warning". Suicide, and extended suicide (family murders) were common. PTSD was normal. Trust was simply asking for betrayal, and kids learned that early.

 

Yes, people would get upset if their partner was unfaithful - however commonplace it was - but they kept a sense of proportion. The worst was only ever a heartbeat away, after all.

 

So basically, it took a culture such as you described in order for people to "keep a sense of proportion"????

 

Sorry...while I can agree that living in that environment is horrible...I think your viewpoint is skewed, based on exactly what you described.

 

Sure...infidelity pales in comparison to the situation you described...let's face it, anything pales in comparison to a worst possible scenario.

 

Is infidelity comparable to watching an asteroid destroy the Earth? Of course not. Does that mean that infidelity is LESS of an issue in a more "normal" circumstance as a result?

 

NO. Of course not.

 

What you described isn't a good indicator that people "blow it out of proportion". What you describe is a war-torn culture being devestated by any number of numerous other issues as well...and claim "well, see, now it's not so bad".

 

Sorry, such an extreme example to try to prove that folks "blow it out of proportion" is simply a massive "out of proportion" example in the other direction.

[carhill]

Probably already covered in the thread - One reason which came to my mind is that, if affairs *appear* to be 'blown out of proportion', it could be because the outrage people feel isn't addressed sufficiently by the criminal and civil statutes where they live.

 

Where I live, acts which threaten or damage other people end up in civil or criminal court and, as adjudicated, the people committing those acts pay a penalty to society; that could be jail time. It could be 'community service'. It could be 'retribution' to those harmed. Many avenues of 'righting the wrong' exist. Generally, though some serious crimes result in a life-long 'blemish' socially, people's choices to engage in anti-social and/or criminal acts, once 'punishment' has been meted out, are accepted and life goes on.

 

With infidelity, the injured around here essentially have no recourse and that's really frustrating, and they can't kill or maim the person without becoming a criminal doing so, or successfully sue them, so they express their outrage by 'blowing the affair out of proportion'. It's simple frustration.

 

Ask around to see how many reformed felons one has contact with. I see a lot because of doing background checks on employees and tenants. There are a lot of former criminals in the world who go about their lives completely normally now and are accepted as such. They 'paid their debt', reformed and, other than an 'explanation' now and again, life goes on. Should it be that way with infidelity? In certain places, it once was. Now, infidelity is a 'social crime' with little 'punishment' other than 'social shunning' and 'gossiping'. Hence, 'blowing the affair out of proportion' is one aspect of the 'punishment'.

[peaksandvalleys]

I was wondering if perhaps we blow affairs way out of proportion. It seems to me people compare it to such huge things and it seems like such a first world problem. After all female infidelity where the are viewed as property usually ends in death but only women. The person you married to lied. Everyone lies. There are truly some evil things going on in this world that are beyond anything I have experienced. Maybe we make a bigger deal out of it than we should?

 

My answer would be no I did not blow it out of proportion. Evil for me might not be evil for you or the other way around. Let me just say that I was raped by a neighbors son when I was 12. I was brutalized and left in the backyard. I also almost lost my life and my health has suffered due the negligence of a doctor. Those things were for me horrific. But they were not worse than the affair that blew my world apart.

 

The affair was committed by someone I loved at one point. Someone I trusted with my life, my heart and my trust. The affair was someone taking the things that I had given them freely and used against me, used to force my into compliance into a situation while lying to me about the reality of the situation.

 

The things that happened to me before where done to me by strangers who didn't give a damn about me personally. The person who committed the affair claimed to love me and only me. He stood with me and said vows about his fidelity to me and promised me that he would forsake all others. When he could not do that he refused to tell me and allow me to decide if I wanted an open marriage or if I wanted to leave that marriage. The rapist nor the doctor promised me their fidelity.

 

So yeah, for me the affair was not blown our of proportion and it is the worst thing that happened to me. I can't tell anyone else how to feel but to say "maybe they are blown out of proportion" is akin to deciding that based only on one's person's life experience that an affair isn't that big a deal. If it truly weren't that big a deal I am curious as to why so many lie their butts off not allow the spouse ALL the facts.