utopia Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 I hope I am posting in the right forum, I really could use a little advice . . . About a year ago I discovered my wife was having an affair. It was a deep, emotional affair that had lasted for about 6 months when I found out. When confronted, my wife said she loved me but wasn't in love with me. That we were best friends and she loved me like family, but not like passionately like she did this guy. We went quickly to counseling . . . she continued contact with the guy . . . we moved away to start over . . . she continued contact with the guy (on the phone). All in all this went on for about 8 months. Ever since I found out about it, she often treats me coldly, like she is always mad. The problem is, she refuses to make a DECISION on what she wants to do, stay in the marriage or leave the marriage. The guy she was seeing is gone as of last month, she knew continuing to see him was wrong, so she made sure that they could no longer contact each other once she made the decision to stop talking to him. The details are strange, but lets just say there is no way she could talk to this guy again without some incredible twist of fate. So now this guy is gone and out of the picture, she wants to maybe work things out. The problem is I gave up while we were out of town and left to go back home. Now we live several states from each other. She still says she wants to try and work things out, but she goes out with groups of guys all of the time, and I feel like she is just wanting me to wait on the back burner while she has fun out of town, and then when she gets back maybe she will want to try and work things out, maybe she won't . Oh, and she may not be back ever, she may be back in a year, she may be back in six months . . . A few more details, so they don't come up as questions . . . yes I still love her, no we did not have kids, and the reason I have not filed for divorce is because I think she should do that since she is the one that has turned her back on the marriage, I was not a perfect husband but I certainly never did anything like this! Ok, I've decided that this is all too much, and even though I love her dearly I don't want to just sit here while she essentially runs around dating all these guys and figures out if she wants to be married. I'm willing to talk to her (she calls me like every day) and maybe even attempt to work things out when she returns. I don't feel like I should be sitting here waiting though, we were married only a year or so before she started having an affair, and the last year it has been like we aren't even married. I want to date some other women because my wife is really the only person I ever dated. So, if you can imagine, I haven't dated since high school, and now I am supposed to go date now. Given the above background, here are the questions: 1.) Is it right for me to date when I am still legally married, even though we live thousands of miles away? 2.) At what point do I tell my date that I am seperated, it seems like it scares them away if you are totally up front about it? 3.) What are some differences in dating as mid twenty somethings vs. high school? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by utopia Given the above background, here are the questions: 1.) Is it right for me to date when I am still legally married, even though we live thousands of miles away? 2.) At what point do I tell my date that I am seperated, it seems like it scares them away if you are totally up front about it? 3.) What are some differences in dating as mid twenty somethings vs. high school? 1.> If it were me, I'd file for divorce first. Married is married, in my opinion at least. Not everyone agrees with me, but what if you miss an opportunity with the future Miss Wonderful because she thinks so too? 2.> Walk-a-mile-in-those-shoes. Wouldn't you want to know up front? 3.> Can't help you there. I'm tremendously OLD. Originally posted by utopia the reason I have not filed for divorce is because I think she should do that since she is the one that has turned her back on the marriage Why not go ahead and file first? You can always request that she pay half the cost as part of the judgement. Check http:// http://www.divorcenet.com/ to see what the particular laws are in your state. Possibly you could get this accomplished cheaper than you think. It's unreasonable for a person to have to live in a prolonged state of limbo, because their spouse can't decide if she wants to be married or single. Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 I have been through a very similar situation with my wife, so I can understand at least some of what you feel. We have been separated for 1 1/2 years, and I plan to file the divorce papers in the next few months. I would say that if you have moved on with your life, then go ahead and file to get some closure. The percentage of marriages that work out after infidelity is rediculously low. I tried to fix things knowing full well the odds were against us and when I began to see the same old signs, I did some digging and did not like what I found. The decision to move on was a no brainer for me. As far as dating goes, I personally don't see any problem with it provided that in your mind you KNOW that your marriage is already over... if your not sure, then I wouldn't. If you do date then start off on the right foot, most definitely be up front about being separated right fom the get go. I have also heard that some women won't go near a man who is separated (although some apparently aren't afraid of a married man. Weird isn't it?). A while back I posed that exact question to the ladies in this forum and if I recall I didn't get one response. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utopia Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 I guess it can be hard to know something is over, I mean it seems like a no-brainer when I stand back as if I were an observer looking at what is going on. My counselor had suggested that I start to date other women, to "know how it feels to be treated well", and also instructed me not to mention that I was seperated. She had said that would scare women off, and that I should keep things casual. I believe I am being apprehensive and that dating will help to move me toward the closure that I understand I need. I've been browsing these forums a bit, and definitely see that my case is not all that uncommon. It seems pretty unlikely from what I understand that we could ever actually work things out again. The main hinderance in moving forward toward reparation of the marriage is that I believe once someone is unfaithful, they will do it again. I've gone out on one date since being seperated. The topic of past relationships did not come up, nor that of anything else related to the realm, we just got a bite to eat and went to a club. The conversation never went that direction, it only went in the direction of two people having a good time, finding out a little about each other, etc. It fealt weird for sure, I haven't dated anyone but my wife in nearly 7 years. The one thing that I did notice though, was how good it felt to be around someone who enjoyed my company. I'm beginning to understand the cold, distant way my wife treated me, after going out on only one date with another woman. Ladyjane, thank you for the advice. I wish I could file for divorce first, I guess I just can't seem to find it in me. I suppose a part of me holds onto a string of hope, a string which I hope to cut. Your answer to number 2, I don't think I would necessarily want to know up front. I'm not seeking someone interested in finding their next husband, I'm twenty five and just want to go out and have fun with someone. If we hit it off I would want to know soon, when they are ready to tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 utopia, it sounds to me like your wife is stringing you along as a safety net to fall back on if she can't find a suitable replacement. Going out with all these other guys while you sit in limbo is not right, trust me I know. Also, if you are thousands of miles apart what makes you so positive she can't still contact the guy she was having the initial affair with? Situations like this, it is usually a case where your head and your heart are not on the same page. Your head is saying to move on with life, your heart wants to save your marriage. I don't know if you are dating just because you think you should, or because you feel you want to. You really should wait until you are ready, when the idea of finding a new, better relationship appeals to you, and when the divorce proceedings are at least underway. My situation is well documented on this board, I have been there where you are at. Read thorugh the 14 pages of my story and you will probably see alot of what you are going through. I have accepted at this point that my marriage is over. And thinking about all of the things that my marriage denied me, by choice or circumstance, has made me a bit more eager to find out what could be. I will make a suggestion if you want to still try saving your marriage. Don't answer her calls. Let her leave a message, call back the next day or so. If you are not at her beck and call, she will start to see you might not always be there. If there is any hope for your marriage, I think this is your best shot. Oh yeah, and listen well to Ladyjane, her advice is invaluable and wise. (I get $1 everytime I talk up ladyjane ) Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by utopia My counselor had suggested that I start to date other women, to "know how it feels to be treated well", and also instructed me not to mention that I was seperated. She had said that would scare women off, and that I should keep things casual. I'm kind of surprised that she would recommend that you withhold your marital status like that. I suppose it would be okay, if you were going out with someone that you had no intention of EVER becoming more involved with. My concern for you is that you would begin dating someone, start really liking them, and then have your feelings crushed when they find out you've not been forthcoming. If I was a young woman, in the beginning of a new relationship, I would find this to be deceitful, and would have no further interest. That's me. It wouldn't be true of everyone. Possibly the best course for you would be to pursue friendships with the women that you want to date. That way you will have laid the groundwork for a more romantic relationship at a later date, without the duplicity. Further, you'd be able to relax and take some of the pressure off of yourself. I guess it can be hard to know something is over Be patient with yourself. You'll know when you know. And you're only 25, so you have plenty of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog (I get $1 everytime I talk up ladyjane ) :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 I also am quite surprised that a counsellor would recommend not divulging that you are separated. I believe in being totally up front and I appreciate that from others. Besides marriages break down all of the time, this is nothing new, I'm not sure that you stand to gain anything by not mentioning it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utopia Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 I will make a suggestion if you want to still try saving your marriage. Don't answer her calls. Let her leave a message, call back the next day or so. If you are not at her beck and call, she will start to see you might not always be there. If there is any hope for your marriage, I think this is your best shot. I also am quite surprised that a counsellor would recommend not divulging that you are separated. I believe in being totally up front and I appreciate that from others. Besides marriages break down all of the time, this is nothing new, I'm not sure that you stand to gain anything by not mentioning it. My wife is extremely unhealthy for me, in the short time we were married she managed to knock my self esteem so low . . . saving my marriage would be like duct taping a brake line. Sure, it might make the car work for a while, but when it breaks again the results could be disastrous. I've made the decision that a monumental change on her part, and starting over from the dating phase is the only way I would even begin to consider anything with her again. A marriage is nothing more than a promise between two people, once my wife turned her back on the marriage and OBLITERATED our vows, the marriage ended. Sure, there is some paperwork proclaiming us husband and wife, but for the past 8 months we've been nothing more than roommates . . . not the kind of roommates that enjoy living together either The past couple months we have not lived together. The more I think about it, the more I definitely consider this marriage over. I agree with what you guys are saying regarding telling the person I date. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to be hurt again. I think I am the strongest I have ever been and the last thing I need is someone knocking me down . . . perhaps you are right if I tell the person up front what is going on it would be easier if she is unwilling to accept it up front, rather than waiting until she finds out and feels deceived. Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Boy, do I ever know where you are coming from! During the last few years of my marriage I felt like we were roomates as well. Recently while we were talking, she referred to me as "the guy she used to live with", doesn't that just warm the cockles of your heart. Then again we were only married for what, 17 years and had two wonderful kids together! I even told her that I felt like a roomate but she asured me that everything was fine, she just felt a little guilty because I was working so hard since her job was lost due to government cut backs. She said that she did not feel like she was contributing enough and felt guilty. Evidently the best way that she could think of to reward me for my hard work was cheat with my best friend, lie and screw me financially. It feels so great to be pounded into the ground. Move on and be happy dude, life's too darn short to be treated with such disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utopia Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 Yikes, thank you for sharing your story with me. I realize that you had it a lot worse than me, at least it happened at the start of my marriage and now 15 years in. The pain I felt was unbearable, I can't even imagine how much harder it is for those who were married longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Yea it sucks. But I prefer to focus on the positive. My kids dealt with everything really well, are still getting great grades and are happy. It has been quite an adjustment for sure, but it didn't take very long to realize that I am better off and happier without her as well as my ex-friend. It's also nice being in total control of my life again and it leaves me available if I meet someone interesting (and I have). Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 From what you're describing, you feel that the marriage is long since over. If that's the case, then don't mess around....file the divorce!! I don't understand...either you feel there is a chance that you'll get back together, and you want that....or it has no chance of happening. If there is a chance that you'll work things out...and that is what you want...then start working towards that end now. Dating someone else will only complicate things much worse. If there is no chance, or you don't want to get back together...file for the divorce before you start dating. Then there is no confusion, for you or for the person you're dating. Sorry friend....but I think that Yoda said it best..."Do, or do not. There is no try!" Link to post Share on other sites
Yikes Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by Owl From what you're describing, you feel that the marriage is long since over. If that's the case, then don't mess around....file the divorce!! I agree. In my case it has been the $$$ holding me back. I am in the final stages of getting all of my finances back under contol. Since my wife is in no hurry for closure, if I want the divorce, I'll be footing the bill. I firmly believe that if you have moved on in your heart, then do the paperwork, wrap it all up and put it behind you as best you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author utopia Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Well, I started today . . . made first contact with a legal service. Thank you for all the support thus far :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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