Should I, or should she?

[ChessPieceFace]

So during a new years eve party, my sister had to go to the hospital for severe flu symptoms. Her boyfriend and I went with her. As she was laying in the hospital bed around 5 AM, I noticed him get a text message from some girl. Couldn't see what it said, he responded something really quick like "all right." She saw him get the text, but didn't see the screen. He then told her that "he told his mom about the hospital situation." If he was referring to THAT text, then he's obviously a liar and hiding texts. However, I'm not 100% sure whether he was covering that text, or if the conversation just coincided with it (I was tired.)

 

I checked the name I saw for the girl and it's not a member of his immediate family. He has 3 facebook friends with that name. I don't know what innocent female friend would be messaging him at 5AM. Other evidence:

 

- He (IMO) gets a fair amount of texts when he's with her. I find it suspicious that his family / friends would send someone that many texts. It's not a crazy amount but it's enough to make me wonder. How many texts do you get from family & friends daily?

 

- I noticed (after reading on here) that he ALWAYS uses "baby, honey" etc. to address her, not often her name. He ALWAYS calls me "brother." A thread on here made me remember how cheaters often do that kind of thing to avoid saying the wrong name.

 

- He's hid at least one other thing, still smoking after he claimed he quit. I was suspicious then too, saying I thought he was still smoking, while she claimed he wasn't smoking anymore. Later, she said "yeah he still smokes" -- don't know how THAT transition happened.

 

He's a really "nice guy"... however he's charismatic and has a job where he gets frequent attention from women. I believe he has the opportunity to cheat, I don't believe he is above reproach, and suspect he might be cheating.

 

So, my question is - should I bide my time until I can look through his phone myself (could take weeks or months until I'd have the opportunity), or should I tell my sister what happened and hope she'll be smart enough to look through his phone? Or should I do something else, like trying to find out who this girl is?

 

My sister has been cheated on before, and refused to believe anyone until my friend played private investigator and exposed the guy. She also tends to dismiss everything I say. It's really HER job to check up on him, and she would hate me for doing it, but I don't have much confidence that she'll do anything but dismiss my claims. She tends to be naive and trusting. If I just tell her, it's the honest thing to do, and it's out of my hands whatever happens. If I look myself, it might be the smart thing to do, but she'd have far easier access to his phone than I would.

Edited January 9, 2014 by ChessPieceFace

[Els]

I think you should just tell your sister everything you know, but let her decide what to do. If she dismisses your concerns, so be it. I know you want to do the protective older brother thing, but she's an adult and has to make her own choices.

[Iguanna]

Just a comment on what just came to my mind, not having to do with your story, but in general we tend to think that women who are cheated on are always the dumb ones who have absolutely no clue, while there are some situations where the BS knows but she chooses not to act or to wait for this to go away.

 

For your situation now, I too believe you should tell your sister the story as it happened, that you saw a text from X name at 5AM while she was in the hospital and discuss with her your concerns. She is not a friend who may think you have other purposes, she is your sister and she is 100% sure you want her own good. I'm sure that if the text was something weird, he mush have deleted it by now, so stop wondering who should check his phone and just ask from your sister to have her eyes open. If he is cheating on her or if he will in the future, it's something nobody can know, predict or stop it from happening. Just be there for your sister and show her you support her.

[ChessPieceFace]

Makes sense, but what gets me is one of her previous boyfriends who was cheating on her. She refused to believe any evidence until my friend took it upon himself to be devious, create fake online female accounts, message the cheater and finally catch him in the act. If not for my friend going out of his way and doing that, who knows how long she would have stayed with that piece of garbage. I'm very glad he did it, and she probably is now too. She was an "adult" then as well. She's so naive and stubborn...

[acrosstheuniverse]

I see literally nothing to be concerned about here. So he boyfriend got a text from a female, and replied. If he was pretending it was his mom then sure, that's suspicious, but he may have just been telling her that unrelated to the text. Honestly he probably just texted a female friend letting her know your sister was going to the hospital so he wouldn't be at an event, or maybe it's family who aren't on his facebook friends list. I know you think you're looking out for her but if my own brother came to me with something like that I'd look at him like he was crazy.

 

Are you jealous/paranoid in your own relationships maybe and it's seeping into your perception of your sister's?

[Iguanna]

You can't be responsible about your sister forever... If she chooses not to believe you or others who tell her some suspicions about her bf, then there is nothing more you can do. She is an adult and she has to take responsibility for her actions.

[ChessPieceFace]

I see literally nothing to be concerned about here. So he boyfriend got a text from a female, and replied. If he was pretending it was his mom then sure, that's suspicious, but he may have just been telling her that unrelated to the text. Honestly he probably just texted a female friend letting her know your sister was going to the hospital so he wouldn't be at an event

 

At 5AM?

 

I know you think you're looking out for her but if my own brother came to me with something like that I'd look at him like he was crazy.

 

You're right about this -- she won't listen to reason. All the more reason to not bother trying to come to her with evidence, but act on it myself.

 

BTW, the smoking thing. He'd come around reeking of smoke, after claiming he'd quit. When being with her for a number of hours (unable to smoke around her since he claimed he'd quit) he'd find excuses to go out for a while saying "his mom needs him" for something, and I suspected him of lying and actually going out to smoke. I said this to her and she dismissed it. Fast forward 6 months and now it's "yeah, he still smokes" without any explanation. SMH.

[PegNosePete]

At 5AM?

Many people stay up that late on new year's eve. I was up past 5am myself.

Maybe she works shifts.

Maybe she couldn't sleep.

Who knows? There are many perfectly innocent explanations.

[acrosstheuniverse]

5am is irrelevant. Some people get up that early for shifts. He was clearly worried about your sister to be at the hospital, maybe some of his friends were caring enough that they kept their phones on loud so that they could find out any news. People wake up for work at that hour sometimes, I often don't finish my voluntary shifts until then. I might be an insomniac. Or forget to turn my phone onto vibrate. The time of the day is irrelevant, I'm worried you're making a big mountain out of a molehill here. You're even grasping at straws like his pet names for your sister might be in order to avoid calling her another woman's name or that his job brings him into contact with available women :\

[ChessPieceFace]

Grasping at straws? I'm looking at evidence. Paranoid is when there's no evidence.

 

- The pet name thing is a KNOWN behavior of cheaters.

- He's in a job where drunk women openly flirt with him on a regular basis.

 

You're being ridiculously dismissive.

 

The messaging girl is not in his immediate family. Of the 3 by that name on his facebook, none are facebook friends with my sister. None were at the party. Why would this girl be messaging him about my sister? Or at all, at 5am?

 

Waiting to hear from guys how many texts they get NOT from their SO, on a daily basis.

[Iguanna]

On New Year's Eve it's natural that people send texts or call even at 5am. I wouldn't be surprised if someone would send me or my bf a text at that time on that particular date.

Edited January 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

- The pet name thing is a KNOWN behavior of cheaters.

It's also a known behaviour of a great many non-cheaters. My mum calls my dad "darling" all the time, they have been happily married for 40 years.

 

- He's in a job where drunk women openly flirt with him on a regular basis.

So that makes him a cheater? He is supposed to quit his job because he's in a relatioonship?

 

You're being totally ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing to suggest that anything dodgy is going on here. Don't let your paranoia ruin their relationship.

 

Waiting to hear from guys how many texts they get NOT from their SO, on a daily basis.

Depends on the day, sometimes 10+. I got one past midnight on new year's eve as well.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Grasping at straws? I'm looking at evidence. Paranoid is when there's no evidence.

 

- The pet name thing is a KNOWN behavior of cheaters.

- He's in a job where drunk women openly flirt with him on a regular basis.

 

You're being ridiculously dismissive.

 

The messaging girl is not in his immediate family. Of the 3 by that name on his facebook, none are facebook friends with my sister. None were at the party. Why would this girl be messaging him about my sister? Or at all, at 5am?

 

Waiting to hear from guys how many texts they get NOT from their SO, on a daily basis.

 

Why are you so obsessed? Have you had cheating in your history and now you're paranoid for her? Are you secretly in love with her or something? I don't get it.

Edited January 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Serial killer diatribe redacted.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The last thing your sick sister needs right now is her brother putting doubts in her mind over seeing a text from a female at an early hour of the day. You really need to grow perspective. Even if he is cheating on her, not one thing you've said would even slightly indicate that, it'd have been a lucky guess. Stay out of their relationship and focus on yourself and your own life!

Edited January 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you're reading far much into a single text, and trying to make other behaviour match your suspicions. There are many reasons reasons why someone would text that late on New Year's Eve. Lots of people always call their partners by pet names and it has zero to do with cheating. If you had real evidence, I'd advise alerting her. But you don't. You sound overly involved here, without real merit. It's a little odd, to be honest.

[ChessPieceFace]

Yep. I don't ask advice here often and I now remember why. People read one paragraph and think they can dismiss the whole thing. There have probably been 100 cues small and large to lead me in the direction of suspicion, over the course of over a year; some subconscious, and too many to list or even remember. I didn't ask for people's assessment of whether the guy should be suspected. I asked whether I should get involved directly in finding more concrete evidence, or leave it up to her. A question which also seems like a poor idea on my part, since again, you don't know my sister - what she's like and how she reacts to my advice and opinions (which is almost always to dismiss them, even when I'm proven right time and again.) I tried to convey it, but people have some image in their mind and talk about ideals.

 

Yes, "ideally" she's a grown woman and should be both sensible enough to listen to advice, and act upon it accordingly and without bias. In practice, she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her boyfriends EVER, and REALLY doesn't want to hear it from me. I could probably walk in with video of her BF doing it with some girl, and while she'd break up with him, she'd blame me for intruding on his privacy and meddling in her life. There would be little or no gratitude of any kind as to the fate I helped her avoid.

 

Sorry you are all so disconnected from your siblings that you find a sibling's concern over possible cheating (especially when she's been cheated on in the past and has shown herself to be naively oblivious to it) to be tantamount to incest. That insinuation is insulting and disgusting.

 

Most of you feel a 5AM text from some girl is no big deal. That's the only potentially positive thing I got out of this exchange. So, I'll ratchet down from strong suspicion back to average suspicion. Again still holding suspicion based on the totality of everything, much of which you aren't privy to and which would take way too long to list.

 

Thinking about how unappreciative she is of essentially everything I do and say, I've lost interest in playing detective for her benefit. I'll try to give her the info I have as quickly as possible and avoid ANY conversation or speculation about it, primarily because it will be a complete waste of my time. I've also considered not even telling her, and letting her get cheated on if indeed that's what's happening. Honestly, for her naive and dismissive behavior, she deserves it.

[D-Lish]

Thinking about how unappreciative she is of essentially everything I do and

say, I've lost interest in playing detective for her benefit. I'll try to

give her the info I have as quickly as possible and avoid ANY conversation or

speculation about it, primarily because it will be a complete waste of my

time. I've also considered not even telling her, and letting her get

cheated on if indeed that's what's happening. Honestly, for her naive and

dismissive behavior, she deserves it.

 

Well, no one really deserves to get cheated on.

 

Sometimes people need to figure out things on their own. If she's dating a jerk, nothing you say will change her situation if she isn't ready to face it.

[Els]

Makes sense, but what gets me is one of her previous boyfriends who was cheating on her. She refused to believe any evidence until my friend took it upon himself to be devious, create fake online female accounts, message the cheater and finally catch him in the act. If not for my friend going out of his way and doing that, who knows how long she would have stayed with that piece of garbage. I'm very glad he did it, and she probably is now too. She was an "adult" then as well. She's so naive and stubborn...

 

You can't keep saving people from themselves.

 

If she dismisses your concerns, you can bring up the previous case if you like, but if she has learnt nothing from that, then there really is nothing you can do without being a huge asshat about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yep. I don't ask advice here often and I now remember why. People read one paragraph and think they can dismiss the whole thing. There have probably been 100 cues small and large to lead me in the direction of suspicion, over the course of over a year; some subconscious, and too many to list or even remember. I didn't ask for people's assessment of whether the guy should be suspected. I asked whether I should get involved directly in finding more concrete evidence, or leave it up to her. A question which also seems like a poor idea on my part, since again, you don't know my sister - what she's like and how she reacts to my advice and opinions (which is almost always to dismiss them, even when I'm proven right time and again.) I tried to convey it, but people have some image in their mind and talk about ideals.

 

Yes, "ideally" she's a grown woman and should be both sensible enough to listen to advice, and act upon it accordingly and without bias. In practice, she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her boyfriends EVER, and REALLY doesn't want to hear it from me. I could probably walk in with video of her BF doing it with some girl, and while she'd break up with him, she'd blame me for intruding on his privacy and meddling in her life. There would be little or no gratitude of any kind as to the fate I helped her avoid.

 

Sorry you are all so disconnected from your siblings that you find a sibling's concern over possible cheating (especially when she's been cheated on in the past and has shown herself to be naively oblivious to it) to be tantamount to incest. That insinuation is insulting and disgusting.

 

Most of you feel a 5AM text from some girl is no big deal. That's the only potentially positive thing I got out of this exchange. So, I'll ratchet down from strong suspicion back to average suspicion. Again still holding suspicion based on the totality of everything, much of which you aren't privy to and which would take way too long to list.

 

Thinking about how unappreciative she is of essentially everything I do and say, I've lost interest in playing detective for her benefit. I'll try to give her the info I have as quickly as possible and avoid ANY conversation or speculation about it, primarily because it will be a complete waste of my time. I've also considered not even telling her, and letting her get cheated on if indeed that's what's happening. Honestly, for her naive and dismissive behavior, she deserves it.

 

For example? Perhaps if you painted a clearer picture, we could see your concern more easily. The couple details you gave earlier aren't really tantamount to cheating. What else has happened to raise your suspicions?

[acrosstheuniverse]

There have probably been 100 cues small and large to lead me in the direction of suspicion, over the course of over a year; some subconscious, and too many to list or even remember.

 

Well you can hardly blame people for not taking these unsaid things into account when replying to you, nothing you told us indicated cheating, at all. If there were many more things that made you suspect him, why didn't you talk about them?

 

Yes, "ideally" she's a grown woman and should be both sensible enough to listen to advice, and act upon it accordingly and without bias. In practice, she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her boyfriends EVER, and REALLY doesn't want to hear it from me. I could probably walk in with video of her BF doing it with some girl, and while she'd break up with him, she'd blame me for intruding on his privacy and meddling in her life. There would be little or no gratitude of any kind as to the fate I helped her avoid.

 

Then stay out of it. She clearly doesn't want your help or support in this, whether or not you feel its' warranted. She just wants to live her own life, be in charge of her own relationships, make her own decisions based on the information she has. Surely that's what most of us want for our lives? Not to be meddled with, free to act on our own desires and wishes? The fact she's so dismissive of you indicates to me that you've made problems for her before in this area. She doesn't have to be grateful that her brother is interfering in her private life!

 

Sorry you are all so disconnected from your siblings that you find a sibling's concern over possible cheating (especially when she's been cheated on in the past and has shown herself to be naively oblivious to it) to be tantamount to incest. That insinuation is insulting and disgusting.

 

I'm sorry for the incest remark. It was intended to be tongue in cheek but obviously didn't come across that way! Apologies.

 

Thinking about how unappreciative she is of essentially everything I do and say, I've lost interest in playing detective for her benefit. I'll try to give her the info I have as quickly as possible and avoid ANY conversation or speculation about it, primarily because it will be a complete waste of my time. I've also considered not even telling her, and letting her get cheated on if indeed that's what's happening. Honestly, for her naive and dismissive behavior, she deserves it.

 

One minute you pretend to care for your sister, the next you're nastily and spitefully saying she deserves to be cheated on because she isn't taking everything you say as the gospel and doing exactly what you want her to do. I can't work out if you love and care for her or feel as though you should be able to control her.

 

You know what the correct thing to do is? Leave her to live her life, be there for support if and when she needs it like any big brother should be, and leave her to make her own path in life. I do indeed feel sorry that my own brother doesn't care a jot about me and doesn't even speak to me for reasons unknown, and I'd love him to care for me as strongly as you do her, I see you don't want her to get hurt but you seem to be thinking you can control the situation and you can't. If something goes wrong she'll live and learn from it and you can be her shoulder to cry on, but you can't stop her from getting hurt. Not that this situation is indicating any likelihood of that yet.

 

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