skinut2234 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I have a daughter who is a Junior in HS. She competes in varsity cheerleading. It's pretty demending. The other day she came home crying and upset that the coaches were really tough on her (I "heard" once called her Stupid- which did not sit well)- At what point as a parent does one get involved or it a matter of toughening up our children? i did approach one coach after just to express displeasure if he did call her stupid- (her answer was- he said Don't be stupid)- In any case- it's a fine line of when to get involved and when you think you just need to stay out of it and your child will grow immune and tougher to it- I just hate to see her cry and get upset over something that is supposed to be fun- any comments? Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 At that age, i'd get involved only if I suspected legitimate abuse. Otherwise, give her the opportunity to stick up for herself and build confidence while doing so. That way, the real world won't come as such a great big shock to her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Confuddled1983 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 My son is 3 years old and I am preparing him now for school bullies. I tell him if anyone is mean to him he is to say "That is NOT very nice" rather loudly and walk away. I want him to feel comfortable to pull people up on behaviour he finds upsetting. I think as a parent it's more important to give a child a voice rather than to be their voice (if that makes sense). I would sit down with your daughter and discuss various ways she can deal with her coach if he is mean to her again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 23, 2014 Share Posted January 23, 2014 You can't always fight her battles all through her life. She has to learn to find the strength in herself to stand up where she draws a line. You can support her, and guide her, but not carry her. Maybe chat her and see how she feels about the situation - my football coach still bellows at me from the side lines, but he's a great guy he just wants me to put in my best performance and be the best I can be. Your daughter might not be as bothered as you think she is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Sadly there are adults who are bullies and use the excuse "its either gonna break you or make you stronger", Neither are further from the truth. As a parent you do have a voice along with this teen. There is zero tolerance when it comes to name calling and those in the extra curricular regime to come off as "get tough" or "get going". I endured one year of cheerleading at a private school, it was a passion I had, til the coaches became the "mean girls". My Mother had the common sense to ask me if I wanted to resign, I gladly did. And was ever the better for it. I took my cheerleading skills to another sport entirely and had more fun with the new instructor and other girls. There are and can be poor teachers/instructors, Would you seriously sit by and silently grant folks to demean your child? Trust me, your child will remember you for that....Take this as an opportunity to openly ask her if she is okay with it and if not, she can resign, there is no shame in rising above the poor treatment being bestowed. In life we shouldn't have to suffer thru humiliation .... Link to post Share on other sites
AmberWalander Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 I think you should let her fight her own battles especially if she chose to be on the cheer leading team in the first place. This may sound like I favor bullies but no. The simple fact of the matter is that this is a tough world. Our kids have to know how to fight and defend themselves because we won't always be there to protect them. There are times when all we should do is step back and support them while they sort it out on their own. This makes them strong and well rounded adults in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 I have a daughter who is a Junior in HS. She competes in varsity cheerleading. It's pretty demanding. The other day she came home crying and upset that the coaches were really tough on her (I "heard" once called her Stupid- which did not sit well)- At what point as a parent does one get involved or it a matter of toughening up our children? i did approach one coach after just to express displeasure if he did call her stupid- (her answer was- he said Don't be stupid)- In any case- it's a fine line of when to get involved and when you think you just need to stay out of it and your child will grow immune and tougher to it- I just hate to see her cry and get upset over something that is supposed to be fun- any comments?This is a situation in which I think that adults today care way too much about ensuring their kids are never unhappy. Being unhappy in such a demanding situation is what leads them to ask themselves...how NOT to be unhappy. Lets them solve their own problems. Kind of like not helping the butterfly emerge from the cocoon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 This is a situation in which I think that adults today care way too much about ensuring their kids are never unhappy. Being unhappy in such a demanding situation is what leads them to ask themselves...how NOT to be unhappy. Lets them solve their own problems. Kind of like not helping the butterfly emerge from the cocoon. Tunera, I have mostly agreed to your words of wisdom. Yet this time . not so much. Where do you gather the idea that its thru PAIN and Humiliation that one grows? Telling a "teen" to let them solve their own problem , can be easily done when its a "shared" resolution. Parents can be supportive and a good ear. They can also stand up when lines are crossed. The line was crossed in this scenario for the teen. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 If this coach really is calling names (and saying "don't be stupid" one time is not name calling) then that should be addressed. If it is a matter of having high standards rather loudly at times, then that is something that the teen needs to deal with. I do NOT support adults being abusive to teens, but as I teacher I can tell you that it is the helicopter parents, not the ones allowing their kids to be independent, who are doing the more long term disservice to their kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Tunera, I have mostly agreed to your words of wisdom. Yet this time . not so much. Where do you gather the idea that its thru PAIN and Humiliation that one grows? Telling a "teen" to let them solve their own problem , can be easily done when its a "shared" resolution. Parents can be supportive and a good ear. They can also stand up when lines are crossed. .Disagree. At THIS age, a child needs to learn to fix her own problem. At the age of 10? Go ahead and step in. But at this age, she MUST learn how to stand up for herself. Trust me, I was a helicopter parent and I have a 23 year old who is STILL not doing things for herself because I've always stepped in to make sure things were 'fair.' Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan_Talon Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 Lifes just not fair, it isn't. You could step in now, but what about when your not there too. Maybe if she learns to deal with this kind of thing now with you guiding her, not doing it for her, she'll be better equipped to stand up to a boss or boyfriend in the future! Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted February 9, 2014 Share Posted February 9, 2014 I would not recommend having a talk with the coach, unless his/her pattern of coaching involves verbal abuse. It sounds like he only said one time "Don't be stupid," which is not grounds for intervention, IMO. If this was a pattern, you could teach your daughter to speak up and respond to such comments, such as saying assertively, "I'm not stupid." If it becomes a frequent occurrence, you may want to talk to other parents about it, who could then make a complaint to the head of the sports department. You may also want to sit in on some practices and see for yourself how the coach behaves. My kids were on varsity teams in high school, and parents sometimes stayed for the practices and kept close tabs on how things were run. Some coaches are abusive and get way too carried away with winning the game to the detriment of the players. I had to Email a varsity coach once when I thought his punishment for missing a practice was over-the-top, considering my son was sick at the time. Coaches are accountable to the parents and to the director of the sports department. So my suggestion is to help your daughter to develop an assertive response to such comments. If it seems to be a pattern, then have a word with the coach, or if need be, with other parents who may feel as you do. Coaches in high school are supposed to be building the morale of the team as well as teaching and disciplining them. Verbal abuse that tears them down is counterproductive. I don't believe what this coach said is so out of line or abusive, but do teach your daughter how to respond to such comments, and keep an eye on the situation in case you do need to intervene. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted February 13, 2014 Share Posted February 13, 2014 as a coach i can tell you 96% of the time the child is repeating their interpretation of what is being said. even my attempts of 'there was a better choice' is taken by some players as 'i was wrong'. sit tight. if it happens again by all means ask to speak with the coach (preferably without your child's knowledge). if at that point you are unhappy then talk with the athletic director. be friendly and respectful. starting with 'my child said...' put anyone on the defensive. try 'coach maybe [x] misunderstood or i got it wrong but she said...' avoid chatting it up with the parents until you discuss it with the coach. its unfair to all involved. and especially at the HS level the stress can be tremendous. your child may be deflecting 'their release' (crying) by blaming the coach. its just easier. oh and a player talking back to the coach in front of the team --- great way to find your way to the back of the bench. Link to post Share on other sites
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