Emotionally separating (once they have met someone else)

[Monodare1]

Hi guys

 

I don't thing that I'm in love with the ex, but as per previous posts, I have had difficulty with the knowledge that the stbxw in now in a relationship with another guy (after just 5 months). My question is, how do you emotionally separate?

 

Normally in the past I just cut all contact but as we have a little boy together, that's not going to happen and I'm not used to staying in contact with exes especially when they are with someone else, just not sure how to handle it.

 

Advice greatly appreciated.

[oldshirt]

 

I don't thing that I'm in love with the ex, but as per previous posts, I have had difficulty with the knowledge that the stbxw in now in a relationship with another guy (after just 5 months). My question is, how do you emotionally separate?

 

 

By moving on with your own life and getting out doing fun things with fun people. The more full and productive your life is, the less you will care about hers.

[RightThere]

My daughter is 4 and my STBXW moved in with one of the guys she was having an affair with.

 

It is really hard and there is no magic formula. I try to limit the time I have to interact with my STBXW. If she wants to talk about anything other than our daughter, I will mostly ignore it. But if it concerns our daughter, I'll talk to her just like I normally have in the past.

 

I'm still a work in progress. My STBXW would still come to me with problems, needed help and initially I would oblige. But now I've set those boundaries with her that she's got a man now to handle all that crap. It's actually a bit refreshing in that I don't have to deal with all her whining about this not working or bad service at that place.

 

It also helps to remember all the crappy things she did to me while we were together. All the things I either let slide (gaslighting) or found out about later (the affairs). Even post break-up, she still did manipulative things that took me a bit to clue into. Seeing those in a new light helped me realize the person she has become.

 

Treat your ex as two different people. The one you married and the one who is infront of you now. The first one is gone. Forever. Cannot come back. You may think she exists inside the person infront of you, but she doesn't.

 

Also, doing your own things when you don't have your son I find helps. I go cycling, I go to yoga, I go out with friends. Do all the things you loved but your ex didn't like or you felt bad about doing while you were married. I'm going to smoke a cigar in my own damn house next weekend (while my daughter is away). Why? Because I CAN!!!!

 

Stay strong.

[Monodare1]

I have been doing that. I go up the gym with my work colleague during lunch, do the gym 3 times a night with a mate, go out with mates around one or twice a month (as I only have one single mate who is divorced and him and I team up with our respective kids for soft play once or twice a month.

 

It just seems to be the free time I have that allows the pain and sadness to creep in. I do feel very lonely at times and miss female company but I know I couldn't give a girlfriend the time and money just now and will soon have to pay my half of the mortgage again as my stbx mother in law has been living in my house with the stbxw but now wants to move out, which will financially cripple me.

 

I work in sales and make commission so have decided to throw my all into work so that I won't financially struggle so much, but the whole situation is depressing and I would just like a bit of a rest from it all and have a less heavy life.

Edited January 9, 2014 by Monodare1

[K Os]

Mono, there's a post in the 'Critical Readings' section at the top of the forum posts that has a section by Yasuandio on emotional detachment. You might find any of that helpful. It's not easy to do and it does take time. I would say it's not something you can do entirely consciously and so it does have its own timetable. It's been over two years since my pstbxw (the 'p' is 'presumably') dropped the bomb and I still have my moments. In fact I had a long dream about her last night, but then I am laid up with man flu so I do have the excuse of delirium.

 

For me, things that have helped a lot have been:

~ thinking about what a healthy relationship should be like and comparing that to 'our relationship' NOW (not back then);

~ seeing other couples contented together and thinking what it would take to get back there with my ex (hint: IMPOSSIBLE);

~ talking to other people in stable relationships about what went down in mine and them saying "She did what?????? She said WHAT??????"

~ talking it all out with a good therapist who 'gets' all of it.

 

Hope you have a good evening with your son.

[K Os]

It just seems to be the free time I have that allows the pain and sadness to creep in. I do feel very lonely at times and miss female company

 

Yes, free time is not your greatest ally right now. Fill it with activities. Spending time with your friends and the gym are both positive, but if you're still finding empty evenings difficult why not try some new things? I joined a few new clubs, groups and classes and it really helped just to interact with 'normal' people who aren't going through what you're going through. It reminds you of normal life. Also there are 2 other bonuses: firstly you will meet all sorts of people who have experienced similar to you (I never knew there were so many until it happened to me); and secondly you will meet good women who think what your ex did was really sh*tty. I'm not talking about dating, I'm just talking about meeting nice people in social situations who will realise you're a good person who's been badly done by. Believe me, this helps a great deal.

[RonaldS]

For me, probably the best thing I did was cut off spoken and face-to-face communication. Nothing but texts or email now. We have 3 young kids, there is some juggling, but it can be done.

 

The reason for doing this is that I found that often, a simple conversation about needing to pay for an activity for one of our kids would turn into a 2 hour conversation about everything that ever went wrong in our relationship. She would start crying, I would want to comfort her, blah blah blah, and neither of us were really moving on.

 

She had started seeing another man in the fall of '12. But because we were always spending so much time together, she wasn't moving on from me and I wasn't moving on from her. I was spending weekend say her house when I would go back to see the kids, we would functionally act like a family, she and I would hang out, talk, I would be emotionally supportive of her, and she would lean very heavily on me. Mind you, even though we had been separated since Sept '10, she did not file until Mar '13, and really only then because I drew up papers and emailed them to her.

 

Anyway, I began to see that even though she was in another relationship, she was still holding on to me as well. So, once the divorce was initiated, I told her all communication should be electronic. We finalized 6 months later, and then she cornered me outside of the courthouse and said she wanted us to go to counseling together, but I shot it down.

 

Since May, we have not had an actual conversation. And once we stopped doing that, it was very easy to move on from her. She's still with the guy, but she still does things to try to get me back to having some kind of relationship with her and is mad at me for 'continuing to hurt her' (whatever the hell that means), but honestly, cutting her off has been the best thing I've done. Hopefully, it's helping her focus on her new relationship as well, because you can't have a n relationship while you have the ex hanging around.

[K Os]

For me, probably the best thing I did was cut off spoken and face-to-face communication. Nothing but texts or email now.

 

Totally agree. I did this. We have a son too.

[Monodare1]

I'm doing my best. Just on the way back from a hand over, I met her at the train station. Cuddled my son, told him I loved him, handed his back pack and bag of dirty washing to her without saying a word then turned on my heels and walked. Painful to walk away from my son but I didn't utter a syllable to her.

 

Can't avoid face to face meetings as we have to need to do handovers as I don't drive.