FoolishBoi Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Hello this is my first "post" and i expect alot of negative out of this post but from what i see so far on this forums no flamers yet oh well here goes. I've been dating my girlfriend for about 1 year now and I have "played" her (cheated) I do regret it dearly because I now know I love her. She has told me many times "If you cheat on me I'll leave you." This is what STOPS me from telling her the truth I really do want to be with her for the rest of my life if this "works" out. I dont know if she tells me "If you cheat one me I'll leave you" to scare me into NOT telling her. Maybe, she says she has loved me more than any other b/f and loves me more than anything in her life but i dont know if i'd be better off just telling her? Are just not ever doing it again I know now that I will never ever cheat on her or any other girl again it was a mistake and i regret it more than anything i've ever done. I'm confused if i really "love" her would i be better off NOT telling her and and just being faithful for the rest of our lives or somthing else happens. I'm just confused if i really love her would i be better off telling her what i did?! Just risking everything that we have....*sigh* If anyone has any advice please help. Link to post Share on other sites
blueeyes24 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 I think you should tell her because you dont want her to hear it from someone else and try to work it out but if she does give you another chance she will have trouble trusting you. If she meant what she said about breaking up with you if you cheat on her once then dude sorry to say she might just keep her word on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishBoi Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 As far as her finding out that will never happen cause it was a mistake for both of us.....we both deny it Link to post Share on other sites
blueeyes24 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Ya but still you never know someone could still find out trust me it always comes back one day Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishBoi Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 She lives 45 mins away and she knows like 3 of my friends...no 1 knows but me in the girl that it happen with and she moved out of state for college.....so no im perrty sure it will never come back on me Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 I dont know if she tells me "If you cheat one me I'll leave you" to scare me into NOT telling her. I doubt that she said that to deter your being honest about it. I think she said it to remind you that she expects you to be faithful and won't stand for less. You have to face that. You messed up, and you can't have any expectations for her response . She could do anything and I would consider it idiotic for you to do anything but quietly accept her terms and move on. You forfeited your rights in the relationship. I expect you to keep it quiet as long as you can stand it, unless you have an extra-loud conscience, because that's the easy way out. The fact is if you were the kind of person who felt so conscientious that you would have to tell her right away, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. Over time the guilt will subside, but it won't go away altogether. It could undermine your relationship, though, because of some weird unconscious thing that you or she will have as a result. I wonder if you have enough self-control to never let it happen again, no matter what. It doesn't look good for her. If you really want to do the right thing, you'll think of what kind of future she's probably going to have with you. It could be that after you feel better, you're going to be just as selfish as you were before and you'll be prone to doing something equally bad again. Unless you REALLY learn from this and resolve to make some fundamental changes in yourself. Based on what I know of human nature, that's not likely. Better luck next time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishBoi Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by johan It could be that after you feel better, you're going to be just as selfish as you were before and you'll be prone to doing something equally bad again. Unless you REALLY learn from this and resolve to make some fundamental changes in yourself. I dont see what exactly makes me selfish.....i cheated on her b4 I ever knew how much i care for her. It's not like i was ****ing this chick thinking about my how much i really loved my g/f I TRUTHFULLY never thought about her once not till it was 100% done with. I know for a fact it will never happen as long as im with her I have no doubt in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sukotto Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Keep it from her and pray, you'll do more damage than good by telling her what really happened. If she's one of these people who tell you that she'd leave you if you cheat then you should know that if she ever does find out she will leave you and you should be prepared to accept that. I'd personally keep it until the day the relationship ends and drop it in during the hurtful conversation that entails, would spice it up something awful Link to post Share on other sites
Hund1976 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 I agree with the last one. If you really think you might want to spend your life with this girl you can't tell her that. Even if she doesn't leave you the relationship might never recover. Just try to forget about it and make better choices in the future. I'd personally keep it until the day the relationship ends and drop it in during the hurtful conversation that entails, would spice it up something awful I wouldn't recommend this, just in case a week after the breakup you want to get back together this isn't going to help! Take the secret to your grave. If you really have to tell someone, tell your dog. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Sorry. I had the impression that it just happened. I don't know. Maybe now that you "know" you love her it will be different for you. But then you should also test your ideas of love. Are you under the impression that you've "arrived" and it will be forever? In a couple years when the honeymoon fades, or when you get the "7 year itch", are you going to find it easy or hard to cheat on her? Whether you loved her or not before, you definitely were OK with lying to her about something she made clear was a very big deal. Maybe you just don't feel that lying is wrong when you have no commitment in your heart, regardless of the damage it could do to the other person. What's going to stop you from doing it again when you hit hard times in your relationship with her? If you found out that she was also cheating on you at the same time, telling you the same lies, could you stay with her? What if she said "ok that was then, but now I actually love you, and I know it"? Regardless of the explanations she offered, I'll bet you would be much more upset with her than you are with yourself. I've seen it happen. When it actually happens to you, and you reveal how much it hurts you, that's when it becomes clear how you really feel about that behavior. And how much you are really willing to rationalize it in yourself to circumvent your own standards. I'm not trying to criticize you, because you can't hurt me. In fact I care and hope for the best for you. I am trying to encourage you think it all through, and maybe you can come to understand yourself and what happened. Then maybe you'll have enough information to make a good choice. You have to decide 1) whether to tell her, and 2) whether to stay with her. Honestly, how much of her time are you willing to waste, deceiving her regarding your standards for your own behavior while you experiment with your own morality? Link to post Share on other sites
SASSYPRINCESS Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 once a cheater always a cheater.. How would you feel if the situation was reversed... ?...would you want to know if she slept with another guy?... and would you find the excuses your using exccusable if reversed.. thats wat you need to decide.. STop thinking about yourself and think about her.. Treat others the way you would like to be treated yourself!! Not trying to be rude.. truly.. just showing you another side thats all.. please dont take offense.. If you do tell her I doubt your relationship will ever work cause she will never properly forgive you or trust you again .. Link to post Share on other sites
Starnette83 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 dont tell her, if u do she will most likely never trust u again, its better u just forget it and never cheat again. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Well, there is a lot on both sides as far as telling her versus not, so I'll put it a different way. NOT telling her would be a clear sign that you don't respect her enough to let her choose who she's involving herself with. You may justify it under some flimsy rational of wanting to protect her feelings or loving her more than anything, but let's be honest. Your reasons would be almost entirely based on you just not wanting to face the music and possibly have her leave you. Does her input on that situation not matter to you at all? If she's made it clear to you that she doesn't want to be with anyone who cheats...and you've cheated...who exactly are YOU to lie to her, and keep her in a relationship that she may no longer want? You love her? That's just fine and dandy. But the bottom line is that the decision to continue the relationship after you've messed around is HERS to make, not yours. There is no way to get around that. By not telling her, you are basically saying: "Who cares what you want? I want you as a girlfriend. Your feelings are irrelevant to me. End of story. Now fix me a steak, ho." Don't be a complete loser. Gather up your balls and tell her the truth, will you please? Link to post Share on other sites
magpie24 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Speaking from a girls point of view that has been cheated on and once told and once wasnt told, I think that it really depends on how much you love her. Oneside of the story is that if you cheated on her in the first place then she must have not been that important and you just werent all that into her. If you really care for someone and cant see anything else in the world but them, then you dont cheat.... Now, you cheated , had ur fun and are pretty sure she will never find out ( allthough I do agree with previous post that it really does come back and bites ya in the ass somehow), if you think that you can keep this a secret and be true and faithfull in the relationhip now, dont tell her. But, even though she said that she will leave you if you cheat on her, well I used to say the same thing. It depends on how much she cares for you. If she loves you inconditionally , people forgive others sometimes too even when they get cheated on. My question to you is .... dont you think that even she meant so much to you in the first place , you wouldnt dare to hurt someone you love? maybe you just think that she is all that to you and really she isnt. If this would have happened to you , would you want to know? I dont want to upset you or anything, I am just trying to help and get all the facts to do that. If I have misread something please let me know and I will adjust my advice. maggie Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Are you capable of continuing a relationship with her, while hiding this secret? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FoolishBoi Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 Im not sure for a "fact" I could do it forever.......I have not tryed which is a duh. If your asking if I "think" I could I dont know truthfully Link to post Share on other sites
Ciconicat Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Hey boi, You seem to be pretty stressed out about your situation. If I were you, I'd think about how soon I'd get over my anxiety. If it goes on too long it could hurt you and your relationship. If that is the case, you might want to lift some of the weight off of your chest and tell your girlfriend. On the other hand, there is a good chance that she will break up with you when you tell her and she will probably be very sad. Soooo, I suggest that you think about what is best for both of you within the next couple months. By the way, don't tell your friends about your infidelity. If she hears it from anyone other than you she'll feel a lot worse. If you ever want to cheat again, break up with your gf first. -Cic P.S. If I was really you, I'd grit my teeth and repress the memory until I wasn't sure if I had cheated or not. And, oh, take her to a tropical island and make her a cake. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Grinning Maniac NOT telling her would be a clear sign that you don't respect her enough to let her choose who she's involving herself with. You may justify it under some flimsy rational of wanting to protect her feelings or loving her more than anything, but let's be honest. Your reasons would be almost entirely based on you just not wanting to face the music and possibly have her leave you. Does her input on that situation not matter to you at all? If she's made it clear to you that she doesn't want to be with anyone who cheats...and you've cheated...who exactly are YOU to lie to her, and keep her in a relationship that she may no longer want? You love her? That's just fine and dandy. But the bottom line is that the decision to continue the relationship after you've messed around is HERS to make, not yours. There is no way to get around that. By not telling her, you are basically saying: "Who cares what you want? I want you as a girlfriend. Your feelings are irrelevant to me. End of story. Now fix me a steak, ho." Don't be a complete loser. Gather up your balls and tell her the truth, will you please? Link to post Share on other sites
angelstar Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 I don't know you but you cheated on your girl friend!!!!! And someone you love! I don't believe it. Did you have safe sex with the girl you cheated with! Did you use a condom Huh!!! What about STD'S!!!! Do the decent thing and tell your girlfriend. Yeah shes going to be veryyyyyyyy upset, cry etc. It will feel like a F5 tornado has just swooped through the room when you tell her. But man this is a huge no no. Theres obviously a reason for cheating on your GF. Have you asked yourself why you did it. By the way alcohol and drugs are not an excuse. I'd like to know why you did it actually!!! If you don't tell her this will linger in your heart for the rest of your life. TELL HER and reap the karma that unfolds from this. What you have done is an aweful thing and something like this takes ages to forgive and rebuild trust again. How do i know this? Because my ex cheated on me with his slag ex girl friend. Ummmmm yes I am bitter! Cheating is wrong end of story... Figure out why you did this and there you will have your answer or just walk away from the relationship... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Are you clean? For sure? I'm leaning towards not telling her, if you're capable. Link to post Share on other sites
Ciconicat Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Hmm, let me explain my perspective on your problem. Last weekend I finally told my boyfriend of one year that I had cheated on him with a couple guy friends a few months ago. I was in the process of breaking up with him when I cheated, but within the last two months I changed my mind and tried to be a better girlfriend. He was a lot like your gf, telling me over and over again that he would break up with me if I cheated. One a**h*** that I had sex with told his friends, and I knew that there was a chance that my bf would find out. Because I thought that my darling was the One, I had to tell him before he started picking up on rumors. But if I really thought that he wouldn't ever hear of what happened I would have swallowed my guilt and promised myself that I would remain faithful for the full duration our relationship. If I could spare him the pain he felt when I told him, I would. It was absolutely the most horrible thing I've experienced. It was worse than when I tried to break up with him before because now his friends won't talk to me, and it will be hard for us to go out in groups until they get over it. Some good things did come from revealing my secret. My bf helped me isolate the causes of my behavior and is helping me work on my insecurites in social situations so I won't be tempted to use sex as a tool to get friends. For you, buddy, I might recommend a psychologist for the same purpose. Secondly, I was finally able to shed the toxic friends that had been using me as a doormat. Important: If you do decide to tell her, offer to stay with her for a long time while she recovers. That is, unless she breaks up with you immediatly. But while she is deciding what to do, don't try to defend yourself. Take the heat and give lots of hugs, stay near her, answer her questions, be sensitive. Um, in my case it helped to cry hysterically and rip at my hair and skin. That shows them that you are really really sorry. And don't listen to those people who yell at you on the message board for cheating. They are trying to blame you for their own problems, not help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Here is my take. You can either try to develop some honor, which is obviously lacking if you cheated, irregardless of if you were in love or not when it happened, and tell her the truth. Or, you can be a selfish, weasely, coward and keep it to yourself and wait until your GF finds out on her own. Then you will see real fury. And unless the girl you cheated with was hit by a bus and killed walking out your front door right after you finished betraying your GF, someone besides you and her know. So don't count on that whole "she will never find out, the poor foolish sap" idea to get you through. You don't want to lose her, she doesn't want to be cheated on. Why are your wants so much more important than hers? If you loved her you would put her wants above your own selfish desire for self-preservation. Link to post Share on other sites
lildevil69 Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 It's your choice...It's all in your head right now, If you tell her, It will all be in her head. Trust me the sex you imagine your other having with someone else in your head is far more greater and erotic than it really was that's what will hurt. Hell, maybe she'll have the balls to get up and leave you. Then again how much do you love her? Is it equally balanced with how much she loves you? Link to post Share on other sites
SASSYPRINCESS Posted January 14, 2005 Share Posted January 14, 2005 this has been going on for a couple of days now.. lol.. in all seriousness.. dig deep everyone .. she deserves to know.. and we all know it... Link to post Share on other sites
Tashi Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 er, if you really loved her you wouldn't cheat on her. you wouldn't want to sleep with someone else. period. you have to tell her. its not fair on her. hurting her was actually cheating on her, telling her is being honest which is the foundation of any decent relationship. if you don't tell her you are building your relationship on lies, and regardless of whether she finds out or not, the realtionship is f****d. if she leaves you because you tell her you have no one to blame but yourself, and there is nothing you can do about it - except remember your experiences for your nest relationship and not be such a cheating bastard. any girl who has been cheated on knows something is wrong even before they find out (or don't, as the case may be). you are treating her so badly by not telling her, doesn't she deserve a little honesty? The only person you are protecting by not telling her is yourself. I have thought long and hard on this topic. I had a boyfriend who cheated on me a few times - i thought he had once, and he told me and we got past it. After we broke up he told me he had cheated another time and not told me, and I feel so much worse about this. It hurts me so much to think of him decieving me all that time. you have to tell her it is the only decent thing to do. and if you are capable of cheating on her who is to say it won't happen again - maybe you are not meant to be wiht each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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