not really a problem...

[sparkle]

...and the message board looks calm this morning...not a big problem...just looking for others' thoughts on this subject:

 

If your relationship is going well but you're used to being in relationships from hell w/ total jerks, sometimes it seems like it's too good. And you still feel insecure about certain things and you can't let yourself fully trust this guy only cause you're afraid he'll be like the rest of the jerks and end up hurting you or cheating on you...

 

Anyhow...do you have any suggestions on being able to push aside these insecurities and being able to trust this person and open up to him?

[Tony T]

A certain amount of caution is healthy at the beginning of a relationship, particularly these days. Even the very nicest, kindest, sweetest men with the very best intentions can change their feelings and send you cruising in time...this holds true for women as well.

 

Hey, love is a gamble anyway you slice it. Hopefully, experience has taught you signs, words, and behaviors to look out for. You don't need to be hypervigilant or obsessed about this. Just as a good businessman watches continuously to be sure he isn't scammed or cheated, we must use our heads to be in a mode where we stand up for ourselves and seek answers when we don't feel right.

 

Every normal person uses past experiences to judge current affairs. This is why we have a memory and why we learn. In love, unfortunately, we have to rely on a judgement that is very hopeful, excited and somewhat dulled by physical attraction and by our heart's longing for that special someone. So it's not real easy, if we really like someone, to foresee problems.

 

So, I guess the bottom line is no matter what happened to us in the past, we have to build on that past and use cautious optimism in the beginning stages of a relationship. Moreover, we have to fully understand it can end anytime...BY OUR OWN ACTION if our own feelings change, OR BY THE OTHER PERSON. And it can end during the dating stage, the engagement stage, during a live-in stage, or anytime during marriage. I'm terribly sorry, but it's a gamble, plain and simple, no guarantees.

 

The only way you can diminish your insecurities is to take one day at a time and build trust in a relationship on that basis. There can really be no day that you will fully ever know for sure what will follow. But taking a relationship one day at a time, being happy in that day, relishing the moments that are good and loving, will assure you of getting the happiness the relationship is capable of giving you at any moment.

 

Doubting, dwelling on the past, being paranoid, being gun-shy...will only rob you of special moments that are to be treasured. Forget the idea that everything must be forever. Forget the idea that each relationship must be good as long as you desire. Everything on the planet has an expiration date, from cartons of milk to cans of tuna to ourselves...and our relationships. The end in no way takes away from the greatness of each moment before that time.

 

Not acknowleging the uniqueness of your current beau robs him of an important chance of winning your heart and greatly reduces your happiness. It simply isn't fair to your boyfriend to carry around this cloud of negative anticipation built from experiences with individuals from you past he didn't know and had no control over. You also rob your heart of maximum happiness during the times it is most likely and available.

 

If you feel you are overly cautious and past memories are hurting your ability to let go and trust, then I would say you just need time. When we are sick for a protracted period of time, wellness can be unnerving simply because we haven't been there for a while. Feeling well finally can actually feel weird and suspect...although it is the way we're supposed to feel. If you are used to getting dumped on and you experience someone you feel is loving and caring and could be there for you on a permanent basis, it could be a bit uncomfortable for a time...maybe seem just too good to be true.

 

But these "too good to be true" and awe feelings are far superior to those that can come later even in the best of relationships when they often transform into complacency and when we take this goodness for granted and expect it automatically without working for it. Perhaps the key to a truly great relationship is feeling just like you feel right now. By your very feelings, you acknowledge this relationship is different. You also acknowledge a greater fondness for this person than for others you may not have cared for as much in the past.

 

When our feelings are perfect, when relationship are perfect, when all is going well, there is nothing left to learn, no lessons to be had, and boredom sets in. If we are really lucky, new challenges are brought into our relationship for more learning and growing experiences. You know, they say "when you're green you grow, when you're ripe you rot." That's sorta true in lots of ways. Consider you feelings now part of the growth of the relationship you are now in and embrace them for now and work through them. They're quite OK (for now).

 

So celebrate your caution...it will lessen with time. Just don't let those feelings transform into getting so used to this goodness you expect it to last forever without effort.

[Ed]

Sparkle,

 

I have a habit of reading replys before I reply to a post (just for the sake of avoiding redundancy). That is probably one reason I don't reply to more posts on this board. I read Tony's reply to you and he pretty much covered all the bases. I don't really have much I can add.

 

I can sympathize with you on this subject. Although, my feelings of anxiety about the future of a relationship are more focused on "how long will it last" more than "am I going to get hurt or betrayed".

 

It is best not to throw caution to the wind, but at the same time, we must enjoy what we have for today. This is easy for me to say but hard for me to apply. I, too have a hard time doing this, quite frequently.

[Rogue]

Just a bit of topic here, Sparkle. How's things going with you and your friend? You know, the one you posted about a while back.

[sparkle]

I'm glad I posted this and I'm thankful for your replies.

 

Some feedback...I tried to call him and talk to him but he was stuck in meetings all day long, so I wrote him a looong email, and basically opened up to him and let him know everything I'd been thinking. He said when he received the email, he had some employees in his office...he kicked them all out, shut his door, and read it over. He called me right away and I've never heard him as happy as he sounded today. And he's called me 5 times already and he opened up so much as well....so basically, THANK YOU..I love you guys!

[sparkle]

Just a bit of topic here, Sparkle. How's things going with you and your friend? You know, the one you posted about a while back.

Are you referring to my guy friend that seemed very depressed? I continue to talk to him every now and then. He's still the same, sometimes it seems like he'd rather be depressed and have people feel sorry for him instead of talking to a counselor or someone.

 

I'm being very patient with him but it's difficult at times. Last month before I went on my trip overseas, I called him up to say bye and he told me "I hope your plane crashes". And I told him that he needed to talk to someone about his problems and that I hoped he'd get some help while I was gone. But the next day he surprised me at the airport and almost started crying saying he was sorry and that nothing was going right.

 

I try to help him but it seems my efforts are hopeless. I don't want to shut him out though because I'll never forgive myself if he does something destructive, so I guess I'll continue being there for him.

 

But if you were referring to the guy I liked and was starting a relationship with, then well he's my boyfriend and everything is going just wonderful, as of tonight!

[Rogue]

I was referring to a post about a friend who was 19 and pregnant. Maybe it wasn't your post. Sorry.