winterpast Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 So DH and I have a strained relationship with his parents but it's more centered with his Mother. She is pretty controlling and tries to tell everyone in her life how to live. DH has distanced himself a little to ease the stress that this causes him. Although we have tried to keep contact pleasant and productive, she uses every chance she has to start an argument with DH. She will complain about his job because she doesn't approve of the hours he has to work (he is a SM in retail), about our two-year old not being smart/developed enough or he's too skinny, or she doesn't see our son/DH enough. At this point it's been two years of hearing complain about the same things and no matter how much we try to work something out with her, it's never enough. We are trying to be fair and respectful but it seems like she's always trying to pick a fight over something. I know there isn't anything we can do to change people but with a two year old involved, we are trying to make it work for him. I am concerned that the remarks she makes about something being wrong with our child will start to affect him. I don't want him to grow up hearing that and having low self-esteem. He is perfectly happy and healthy according to the pediatrician. How do we have a functional relationship with DH's parents without it having a negative impact on our son? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 It might not be possible. At best you can teach your son to deal with difficult people by not giving them too much power. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Does she make the comments about your son in front of him? If so, that's a deal breaker. She needs to stop or doesn't get to see him again. I'd also tell her not to say anything to you or your husband about him, in part because he may overhear. Any negative or worrisome comments about your son should be off limits. I'd make that very clear with her. I think you are catering too much to her. Everyone is not able to have functional relationships. Sometimes all you can do is set a boundary, and it's up to them if they can control themselves enough to maintain the relationship at that point. Edited January 10, 2014 by lollipopspot Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterpast Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 Comments are said to DH in private, they won't say anything in front of me. They will raise their voices and get pretty heated when DH tells them that DS is fine and we have no concerns. The fight usually escalates to them telling him that he doesn't know what he is talking about, doctors don't know anything and we are making a big mistake. What she will say in front of DS is "you need to see me more, granny is sad". You know, passive aggressive stuff. DH is standing up for us and ends the conversation as soon as it goes downhill. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 They will raise their voices and get pretty heated when DH tells them that DS is fine and we have no concerns. The fight usually escalates to them telling him that he doesn't know what he is talking about, doctors don't know anything and we are making a big mistake... DH is standing up for us and ends the conversation as soon as it goes downhill. There shouldn't even be a fight then. The conversation ends immediately when the first negative comment comes out about your son. "O.k. Goodbye." Hang up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winterpast Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 DH has gotten better with that. He used to argue back but has learned to get off the phone when it starts. I guess I want to make sure that we did everything we could on our side, without being doormats, if we end up in NC with them. Just trying to find a balance but seems like we can't have one without giving up control of our own lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Solcita2 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 There's not much you can do... except to protect your son from that kind of stuff... I'm 32 and I'm in no speaking terms with my dad's side of the family, out of 6 kids I used to be their "little girl" because I was born when my parents were living at their house. I used to spend all summer vacations with them... but grew apart during high school and college. Thing is, a couple of years ago my F tried to make us get back together and it worked for a while... and then I started remembering things of those summer days with them... I wasn't 2, but around 6 and I remember the way they spoke about my mom's side of the family (they were farmers) or even about my mom. Sometimes they made me feel dirty for having her blood (up to that point). Certain things my grandma used to do affected me in my adult years as well (she used to have several cats and didn't want me to interact with them -as they were not vaccinated- so she used to tell me how evil cats were... believe it or not I ended up with some strange panic to cats... with no explanation... I was never attacked by a cat, we never had a cat in our house... but whenever I was near a cat I would have a panic attack, I realized that a few years ago... now I'm able to have 2 beautiful kitties). My father has to single sisters (61 and 58) because their mother would make their life misserable if she didn't like their boyfriends (never did)... guess what they're doing now with me? They used to love my F (aunts and grandma) but once I left my country and "came back to my ancestors country" they just stopped talking with F or picking up his phone calls... they (not so secretaly) expect for me to break up with him (after 5 years, 4 years of living together, 2 cats... we're ****ing family!) and get married to a nice Japanese guy... Then they started telling me he's been bad-talking about our family... just to later find out through mutual friends that it's the opposite... they even got to the point to tell our mutual friends that F "is dangerous". So... my advice to you is, try to keep them away from your son, be cordial enough so he won't go back to them in his older years expecting to get in touch with his family because that way he will get hurt eventually. This way he will always know who his family is and won't be curious about it... Don't be naive... I can assure you my mom has no idea of the **** they used to say about her and her family. Best of lucks! Link to post Share on other sites
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