Married ex-boyfriend hit on me, and is having some kind of affair w/ another friend

[VeronicaRoss]

We met my first few weeks in college, he was three years older. We had a very sexually intense relationship and great conversations. I loved him but he treated me like a little sister and talked about the women that were his romantic ideal, women very different than me -- women like my roommate. I accepted he wasn't that into me and I was struggling with school. I dropped out and went back home, including back to my hometown former boyfriend.

 

My ex-college boyfriend and my ex-roommate started dating immediately after, proving I was not the woman he wanted. It hurt but I could see they were very compatible, and I was very fond of both of them. My hometown boyfriend tried to warn me they were not my friends, they both wrote rather gleeful letters to me about their dating. He was right, I wish I had listened. I just figured you can't help who you really love and I was back with a great guy. They lasted a month but never became lovers, she dumped him for another guy she had been pining for. He hit on me a few more times years later while both of us were single and I turned him down, I did not want to be with a guy who didn't cherish me, it had hurt to be second best and I had learned my lesson. That was over 30 years ago.

 

I kept in touch with both of them over the years. Him very rarely, she and I were so close she was in my wedding. She never married and has always had a few long-term but volatile relationships with a lot of drama and arguing. In fact every relationship she's ever been in there has been some other woman she is competing against -- including once a dead girlfriend the guy wasn't over, and an ex-wife that the guy still lived with!

 

He on the other hand married the woman of his dreams, the woman he had always described to me years before. He told me he could not write much and definitely not see me again because his wife was jealous. On the other hand, my former roommate socialized with them! I could not understand that at all -- how had I become the threat?! You probably see this one coming, I sure didn't.

 

Suddenly one day he chatted with me online and told me he had always considered me his soulmate, that he'd lie in bed and think of the children we didn't have. I couldn't have been more stunned. I wasn't the only one who had been in love? When I told him I thought we were more like 'friends with benefits' because of his lack of real romantic interest in me, he was insulted. We talked about our relationship and I thought straightened things out like adults. I was glad to be able to do that, but it also made me very sad. I'm happily married, he was a guy that didn't treat me well so I wasn't tempted to spark anything with him.

 

Then he started complaining about his lack of sex with his wife, how she was too busy to spend time with him and that if he ever saw me again he wouldn't be able to help himself.

 

I realized what was going on and told him to keep those conversations about his marriage between them. I regret to say I didn't stop communicating. Because what he did next was tell me that actually while he was equally sexually attracted to me and my former roommate, he loved her more because of the relationship they had carried on over the years. Suddenly I realized I might be the 'ex-girlfriend beard' so he could continue to see the woman he really cared about without his wife knowing who her competition really was! I have the impression his wife doesn't even know they had actually dated. It all started to make sense. I let him know I was done talking with him.

 

I reached out to my friend, told her what he said, and asked for her side the story. She said she was sorry he hurt me and that we needed to talk, but didn't want to talk about it in front of her boyfriend (uh oh). Once we had a chance to talk she denied being involved with him or that the things he talked about were real, to the point where he appeared to be delusional. But was desperate to hear the details of our mutual ex-boyfriend's 'love' for her. There was no outrage about him saying things that weren't true. In fact she insinuated that I must not have understood him. She said wasn't happy he he hurt me (she kept framing it that way), but that she was probably going to continue their friendship. It made me sick. She has many good sides but it forced me to look at her value system. I asked her how she would feel if she were his wife? She didn't reply and basically our friendship is now done.

 

I have tried to leave this ugly chapter behind. I'm surprised actually how hard it's been. I am sick at their behavior, I am grieving over the loss of their friendship and having to face reality, and keep on thinking if I were his wife, I'd want to know. I have almost everything in email. There is plenty of evidence.

 

My husband pointed out that my ex might actually hope I do tell the wife so he'll be free to leave her. Ick.

 

What would you do in this situation?

[Arieswoman]

Personally I would keep out of this and move forward.

[Grumpybutfun]

Be grateful you didn't marry him and that you have the man you do. Then cut off all contact with both of them because they are toxic poison that you do not want to poison your life.

Best,

G

[tiredofitall2]

Don't get involved. He will do whatever he will do without your help. If he wants to ruin his M at this point he won't need your help to do that. As others said, you are lucky you did not end up with this man.

[BetrayedH]

As a former betrayed spouse, it's almost impossible for me to discard considerations for the betrayed spouse in your scenario. At bare minimum, her husband has tried to start an affair with you, has professed love for you and your friend, and certainly appears to be having an affair with your friend right under the wife's nose.

 

You're certainly not obligated to get involved, but if you don't say something, who will? How many years of her life will she continue to invest in this man? What if she is making life-altering decisions (like having children) assuming that he's a faithful husband? What if she contracts an STD? She is being lied to and betrayed by the one person in life who vowed to have her back. You wouldn't be inserting yourself in their marriage; he's already done it for you.

 

It appears that you're smart enough to know she'll need proof and you're very much correct about that. It's common for betrayed people to believe their spouse over some random person and he's likely to paint you as a crazy stalker. She also already has suspicions about you so you'll need to be prepared for that. Evidence is key.

 

You also need to be concerned about your package being intercepted. Face-to-face meetings are optimal as just anything about anything else can be intercepted, even when a signature is required. Sending to her work location is another option to consider.

 

Again, you're not obligated to tell her. But personally, I hope you do. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Edited January 10, 2014 by BetrayedH

[stillafool]

I definitely think you should stay out of this. I also have to wonder if you are somewhat jealous that he actually felt more for your friend than you and that is why you are appalled at their behavior. Afterall, you didn't stop communication with him when he hit on you.

[VeronicaRoss]

I definitely think you should stay out of this. I also have to wonder if you are somewhat jealous that he actually felt more for your friend than you and that is why you are appalled at their behavior. Afterall, you didn't stop communication with him when he hit on you.

 

Stillafool, no, that is not why I'm appalled at their behavior. Think about it. If I were going to be so appalled because of his interest in her that would have happened when they started dating in college days after we broke up when it really did hurt. I was naturally jealous, it hurts to be so quickly replaced, but I truly believed then and now, as much as I loved him romantically, they were and are far more compatible than he and I ever were. I introduced them. I cared about both their happiness. They didn't sneak behind my back, they got together after a break-up. I was happy reunited with my old boyfriend. We were young, it was painful but hardly a tragedy. I stayed friends with them for decades. So no, his feeling more for her was old news. But really rude of him to rub in my face one more time.

 

That's why she is more dangerous to his marriage, they are very compatible and they never had the chance to see how they are together. We're all at mid-life. People do stupid things at this stage to regain lost chances. She tells me now she didn't choose between the two men in college, the guy that became her boyfriend did so simply because he moved in on her first sexually. That was the first time she ever admitted to me she liked our ex as much as the guy she ended up with. Which means she felt the need to hide her feelings and there is still the question hanging over them of how they'd be together. That's dangerous to their current relationships.

 

I don't have those questions, I know how it would be with him. It wasn't fun.

 

What ticked me off was her lying to me over the years and trying to make me the crazy one, that I must have misunderstood, overreacting or I am making things up. It's in writing, it's not like I couldn't read English. She's done that to me two other times to justify some pretty bad behavior on her part or the part of one of her men.

 

Yes of course I felt jealous to some degree when compared unfavorably in a romantic way to another woman. That's a pretty normal reaction. That's also his game, I completely get it now. A jealous reaction is probably more what he wanted from me than an actual messy affair.

Edited January 10, 2014 by VeronicaRoss

[BetrayedH]

He sounded more to me like a guy that would've liked a threesome with the two of you and was fishing for it. Hell, add in the wife and he could have a foursome.

 

Personally, I don't think he should end up with any of you.

[Spark1111]

OMG! How many triangles do you need to keep your life exciting? AND at how many innocent people's expense?

 

These two are game players extraordinaire.

 

You are so wise to have cut them BOTH loose. I know it hurts to lose a friendship, but this friendship is painful and dangerous to your mental health.

 

Good riddance to rubbish.

[Raena]

Yeah, it sounds like it is time to cut ties with both of them. You said yourself that you have moved on and are happy with your husband/life. Who needs crazy people like that around.

 

As for telling the guys wife... well, I don't know. It seems like if you do, then you are involving yourself more in this situation than you need to. I'd vote for... just stay out of it. Cut both the friend and the ex out of your life for good and let it go. His wife, more than likely, already has an idea of who he is and what's going on. Hearing it from you will only involve you more in the situation than you really need to be. Now, if she comes to you and asks you questions, then feel free to tell all, but don't go seeking her out.

[Oberfeldwebel]

What did your husband recommend?

[VeronicaRoss]

What did your husband recommend?

 

Hubby is a psych nurse practitioner and he thinks the ex-bf is a male borderline: the triangles the guy created from the start even 30 years ago, how his feelings and narrative changed from email to email (e.g., I was the soul mate, then my friend was the one he loved more, etc.) how he went from friendly to seductive to cruel at the drop of a hat. Hubby recommended to stay away from the wife too because if the ex is a borderline chances are she has already been prepped by her husband to consider me crazy and anything I say suspect.

 

That really made sense, so I have stayed away.

 

Writing this all down and reading your responses have helped me see my former friends clearly. To write this I've stripped them of their other qualities that kept me involved, that helped. They both had a huge positive influence on my life when I needed it back in the day as well. Relationships are complex!

 

Thanks to everyone for your input. I'll continue to stay away from them both.

[Woggle]

Be glad you dodged a bullet.

[VeronicaRoss]

As a former betrayed spouse, it's almost impossible for me to discard considerations for the betrayed spouse in your scenario. At bare minimum, her husband has tried to start an affair with you, has professed love for you and your friend, and certainly appears to be having an affair with your friend right under the wife's nose.

 

You're certainly not obligated to get involved, but if you don't say something, who will? How many years of her life will she continue to invest in this man?

 

Betrayed, I agree. And I've been cheated on in other relationships. One of the worst parts is knowing other people knew and didn't say anything.

 

This is exactly why I came here to ask the question even with my hubby's excellent advice to stay away from her.

 

They've been married for 25 years and she's a lawyer. She's smart, is a significant bread-winner, has no kids. She's got the brains and has had the time to figure him out, and the ability to move on relatively easy but she doesn't. Why is it she doesn't back away from his emotional emptiness and his provocations to get her jealous as an adult when I did as a teen? You have to wonder if she needs his drama to make her feel alive in some way.

 

She already thinks of me as her competition and my ex-roommate as a friend. My ex-roommate was trying to paint me as 'not understanding what he means'. They both have a good reason at this point to paint me crazy to her too. Not good.

[VeronicaRoss]

Well it took me almost another 2 years to say a final good-bye but I did. She has no interest in changing.

 

I feel so much better now. I'm not even involved in that affair by proxy. That feels so good, such a relief!!