jaimers Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Just a general question I think about... If you aren't sure you see a future (meaning marriage) within the first 6 months of dating...and its mostly a gut feeling...does that mean you should dump the person? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 If they feel the same way, then sure. Do they feel the same way....? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I'd say 6 months is a perfectly reasonable time to know whether you would not want to marry them. It would be plenty of time to see deal breakers and habits/behaviors that you couldn't live with forever. Not being sure doesn't sound like a no. But frankly you should discuss this with your partner and you'll gain more light on the issues or reasons you aren't seeing a future with them. Communication would help you figure out what path you might see the relationship going down. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimers Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 I'd say 6 months is a perfectly reasonable time to know whether you would not want to marry them. It would be plenty of time to see deal breakers and habits/behaviors that you couldn't live with forever. Not being sure doesn't sound like a no. But frankly you should discuss this with your partner and you'll gain more light on the issues or reasons you aren't seeing a future with them. Communication would help you figure out what path you might see the relationship going down. I was sure with my ex bf in 6 months and then almost 2 years into the relationship crap hit the fan and I saw all of this stuff I didnt see before. My current bf said this to me, he also says he worries alot, is kind of neurotic and told me the first 3 months we dated he was "in his head" all the time trying to please me. Hes not sure if Im not right for him or if hes overthinking like he does sometimes I dont know if I see myself marrying him...should I be thinking that way? I need to feel like I know someone well Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 ^^ Sounds like a very valid reason to question things. Ask yourself if this type of behavior is something you could be happy living with forever. If yes, then continue your current path. If you either can't live with it or think he is going to suddenly "change", then you are best off either accepting that this relationship is going to end at some point or ending it right now and moving towards finding someone you can envision marrying. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 He's not sure you're right for him.... you don't see yourself marrying him.... this might be seen as 'settling for what you can currently get'...... mightn't it....? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 It depends on how old you are. Under 20 you shouldn't even be thinking about marriage. Over 30 sure. In between . . . . it's a sliding scale. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimers Posted January 10, 2014 Author Share Posted January 10, 2014 It depends on how old you are. Under 20 you shouldn't even be thinking about marriage. Over 30 sure. In between . . . . it's a sliding scale. We both just turned 25. I am his first girlfriend. The longest hes ever dated someone is 3 dates before me. Im not saying Id never marry him...Im saying I dont know YET. Especially since he hasnt been himself around me completely, communicating well with me until this past week...I dont know him well enough Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 He's still finding his way . . . I wouldn't give up just yet, especially if all you have is a gut feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 If after 6 months I didn't want to marry the person, I'd leave. Ideally you'd want to right away, but you'd date for a year or two just to be sure you didn't act rashly. If you're not feeling crazy for the person by the 6th-month mark, it won't change. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 You should know by now emotionally...otherwise you'll be marrying for "other" reasons, which is what many people do, not necessarily because of their emotions they have for their SO alone...and as you get older and it starts making more "sense" to be married as they say, you'll see why people fall into it eventually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Red flag words to me in your post. I am his first girlfriend. He lived in his head for the first three months trying to please me. Uh, no, you were a social experiment and it failed. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted January 11, 2014 Share Posted January 11, 2014 Learning about someone is seeing how they react in a number of situations - especially times of trouble. Thus I'd say you need at least a year to get a handle on someone and assess if you can live wiht their flaws - and they with yours, of course. That said, if your main goal is to marry, and you know in your gut or otherwise, that you're with someone you won't want to marry - or who doesn't want to marry you - then definitely move on as soon as you know that. But if you feel you don't have to rush into anything, and can take your time to see how things play out, then let it be for a while. I also think in your situation that being his first girlfriend is a red flag. Don't expect him to know himself very well or what he wnats = especially if he's an anxious type who is 'in his head' a lot. I know it's a cliche, but I recently married at the age of 45 for the first time. When I met my now husband, I knew. I just knew. I always thought it was nonsense, but it happened to me. So if you're asking questions now, then probably you already know. ANd the answer is "no". Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimers Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 I just dumped him. Its obvious he'd dump me sometime soon anyway since he gut told him Im not right for him. It really really hurts and I hope I stay strong. Thanks for the replies. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 What hurts? I thought you didn't even like him that much Link to post Share on other sites
Aquanut Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Love is a great thing in a marriage but a horrible reason to marry. If you date frequently then 6 months should be plenty of time to gauge someone's character and compatibility. If you couldn't imagine spending your whole life with someone at that point and your goal is marriage it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimers Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 What hurts? I thought you didn't even like him that much No he felt this way about me and we had a huge fight when he told me this. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) Just a general question I think about... If you aren't sure you see a future (meaning marriage) within the first 6 months of dating...and its mostly a gut feeling...does that mean you should dump the person? Depends on what you're looking for. If I was looking for marriage but after 6 months didn't feel like we had potential yes I'd break it off. 6 months isn't necessarily enough time for me to know you're "the one" but it is definitely enough time to know if you're NOT, if that makes sense. 6 months is still the honeymoon, you should be excited about this person and your future at that stage in the game and if it's a good relationship that has potential you should be seeing more and more "yeses"...if you're ambivalent 6 months in then I don't really see that changing later on. Edited January 13, 2014 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 No he felt this way about me and we had a huge fight when he told me this. So it's ok for you to not think he is the one and to consider dumping him but it's not ok for him to not think you're the right one for him and that hurts. ...yeah that sounds about right LOL Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) but to address your actual question, I agree with some of the other posters, it's a lot easier to know someone is NOT the one pretty early on vs knowing if they ARE the right one. I've known in minutes of the first date that someone is not the right one for me. That doesn't mean that I think they are a bad person or anything, just not right for me. I also agree with the sliding scale of maturity in knowing if someone isn't right or not. If you are an adult (I think 25 qualifies for most people) and are out of school, are well started in your career and are living as an independent adult, and you are dating someone steadily (as in face to face and see each other at least once or twice a week) I think 6 months is a reasonable amount of time to know when someone is NOT the one. If there are no actual deal breakers and no glowing red flags and the jury is still out, I think continued dating and evaluation is fine. I also think that if at 6 months you know that someone is NOT the one, IMHO you SHOULD break it off amicably and not continue dating any longer. In fact I think any time there are deal breakers and you know someone is not the one, the R should end regardless of time. Once you know someone is not the one, every moment spent together is just a wasted moment and prolonging the inevitable for both of you. You are not only tying up your time and energy, you are wasting their's as well. Everyone hates getting dumped, but people who get dumped by someone who knew they weren't the one are actually more bitter in the end, not because of getting dumped per se but rather because they were being lead on by the R continuing. People may not like getting dumped but deep down they understand that they weren't a right match for someone. What they don't understand is why if you knew in March of last year that they weren't for you, why did you keep them hanging on and thinking things were OK until June of this year? That's what people get confused and bitter over. Edited January 13, 2014 by oldshirt Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaimers Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) So it's ok for you to not think he is the one and to consider dumping him but it's not ok for him to not think you're the right one for him and that hurts. ...yeah that sounds about right LOL I liked your post about if there are no dealbreakers or the jury is still out its okay to continue to see the person…that’s exactly how I feel about him especially because he hasn’t fully communicated with me until the last 2 weeks…but he kept switching back and forth. At first he said it was “an overall feeling” or a “gut feeling” that Im not the right one for him. Then later in the same day after we talked some more, he said his gut said he “wasn’t sure if I was the one” and then the next day said again, that his gut feels Im NOT the right one. I get a different answer each time I’ve asked him. Edited January 13, 2014 by jaimers Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts