2 months after the break up; need some advice

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not that shook up, I just wonder what would happen, I would say I'm curious, I still think about reconciliation, but I'm aware that probably won't happen, since she showed how cold is she... This is just a setback, I always get like this on Saturday evening if I'm not out having fun...

 

I have acquired a lot of self-control, and know I can do this NC, but still, there is this gut feeling I have that we should be together, and if you add to that pot the fact I haven't had success with ladies since I am single, You get me whining here on my thread... I take day by day, and I think it will get even harder for me during next month, but I will survive

 

It just amazes me her messages, they are so pointless, and I don't have any urge to answer them, If she only knew that there is only few words she should say to me and I would answer her, but asking me did I turn off the chat for her, really??? Why??

 

Also I probably miss her cause I'm alone, and I still didn't get use to it.

 

First of all, it doesn't matter if you have a gut feeling you should be together. It takes two to do that and since she broke up with you, it's up to her to make that step, not you. And contacting her because you are lonely is a really terrible idea -- talk about unattractive.

 

No breaking NC in two weeks. That'd be really stupid. You need to work on you and she needs to be the one to aggressively come after you. Not with random breadcrumb Skype messages or texts, she needs to say "I made a big mistake and I want you back" before you think about responding.

[d0cholliday]

I'm going with that, I decided weeks ago that I will put myself in first place, and heal myself and continue with my life, but still I hope she will write the "I made a big mistake and I want you back"

 

Anyway thanks for advice. I really like your advices, cause you are kinda harsh and it gets me trough the day sometimes when its hard, I mean that in absolutely positive way

[Trep]

Setting a time limit on NC is a terrible idea and will just make it that much easier for you to cave and message her when the times up. The only reason to break NC is her begging to get back together with you.

[d0cholliday]

Setting a time limit on NC is a terrible idea and will just make it that much easier for you to cave and message her when the times up. The only reason to break NC is her begging to get back together with you.

 

I completly agree, but I just can't shake that awful feeling it won't happe, she won't beg to come back.... I know it's "what can you do thing, that's how it is", but that stupid feeling is bugging me.

 

Time will show.... We'll see

[Simon Phoenix]

I completly agree, but I just can't shake that awful feeling it won't happe, she won't beg to come back.... I know it's "what can you do thing, that's how it is", but that stupid feeling is bugging me.

 

Time will show.... We'll see

 

She might not. You have to accept that it's over. You haven't yet, which is why you can't contact her. While it's natural to have some hope, going NC to try to "wait her out" isn't going to be very productive. You need to be aggressive in working on yourself, accepting the break, and moving forward from it.

 

First and foremost you have to kill the old relationship in your head. Even if she did come back, you don't want to go back to that old relationship. Why? Because it died. If it was that great in the first place, it wouldn't have been broken. So you need to stop this "I'm afraid she won't beg for me back" stuff. She definitely won't beg for you back if you are sitting there like a pud hoping for it.

 

You need to get to the point where you are cool no matter if she begs for you back or not. And until then, you can't contact her.

[erklat]

You need to get to the point where you are cool no matter if she begs for you back or not. And until then, you can't contact her.

 

You usually kill all hope immediately.

 

Why do you say he could contac her once jhe achieves that?

[Simon Phoenix]

You usually kill all hope immediately.

 

Why do you say he could contac her once jhe achieves that?

 

I didn't. I said he couldn't contact her now.

[erklat]

I didn't. I said he couldn't contact her now.

 

lol i mean the option contacting her remains open even though he is a dumpee here.

[Simon Phoenix]

lol i mean the option contacting her remains open even though he is a dumpee here.

 

I have no idea what you are talking about right now.

[Haydn]

Erklat, Simon is very strict. (Very much so).

 

NC is always there to be broken. My advice to OP is dont break it and stick to it. But as we have seen with probably almost everyone here, `we break it`, usually in the first few months. I did myself. Its almost like we have to do it just to see.....99 times out of 100 it never works.

 

So OP, i wouldnt but you will.

 

But after you will stay NC.

[erklat]

I have no idea what you are talking about right now.

 

You wrote:

 

You need to get to the point where you are cool no matter if she begs for you back or not. And until then, you can't contact her.[/QUotE]

 

So when he does reach the point where he is indifferent towards her actions, it is alright to contact her or that counts like breking NC?

[Simon Phoenix]

You wrote:

 

 

 

So when he does reach the point where he is indifferent towards her actions, it is alright to contact her or that counts like breking NC?

 

It's definitely breaking No Contact. As far as the other part, that's not really a phase the OP is even close to being at, so it's pointless to talk about. I said what I said to emphasize that he not break contact now -- I wasn't giving him an invitation to do so in the future. Really not sure why you are harping on something that's irrelevant to the OP's current situation.

[erklat]

I know where you stand with no contact and I couldn't agree more.

 

I'm gauging where you stand with reconnecting for mu future reference.

 

Of course he's not remotely close. It's on two weeks mark and does things that throw him off balance.

[Haydn]

Simon you are so hard on yourself.

[Simon Phoenix]

Simon you are so hard on yourself.

 

Huh? (10 characters)

[d0cholliday]

Guys don't argue, no need for that....

 

erklat is my friend, and he's been my support from day to day, from the day one, also knows everything what's in my mind, so we could say he has an advantage...

 

Simon, I agree completly with your advices, I'm sticking to NC, told you that countless times, and the only thing that can make me break NC, at this point, is she saying something which I can hold on to. Hanging out on this forum I learned a lot, especially those breadcrumbs, so I believe I can differ them from the actuall good sign for me.

 

It was the ****ing weekend, I always get depressed on weekends, especially if I don't get out somewhere... which I didn't cause of the stupid weather... Naturally I had time to think about my ex, hence my whining here....

 

Good thing is, that today is a Monday, yes I look forward now to every start of the week, cause I'm really busy during work days, so not much time to think about love etc....

 

I'm just dissapointed in her, and I had some expectations from her when she comes back from a trip, she did, and didn't fulfill my expectations, and her actions really don't give me any reason to break NC, something I'm working for over 2 weeks now.

 

Breaking NC.... I was in temptation, but I have quite of control over myself now, I am a different person since the break up, especially now with almost 3 months of being single... Still it sometimes hurt, but that comes for a moment or so, and then It passes, call it a crysis, or whatever you want.

 

All of you need to understand that I was living in a illussion, romance and that stuff, which we can watch in movies, I watch movies a lot...

 

They say: You need to work on yourself, well most of my work is done, I got in shape, and will continue doing that, my personallity is good enough for her, she needs to accept it like it is, there is nothing more to change there. Only thing left is to finish my college, and get a diploma, that's the real reason which is holding me back in my life... I have 25 years and I don't have anything to present with my life, sure I'm a good person, loving caring etc...

 

This is the turning point in my life, I know I will succeeed, I must, and there is something great waiting for me, big problem is my impatience, cause I'm sick of people looking down on me, sometimes my ex also did that, hence my impatience, but you can't skip some things in your life, problems, and you need to face them, which I'm doing, and it's a strugle, college, love, financial problems, being on my parents back, when you mix that together you get very emotionally unstable, but that's my demons, and I fight the battles myself, and not showing others what is really happening, cause when I did show, it didn't help me in any way... People often say to me, wow you still didn't give up, how come? You're being knocked down and you still get up and fight, I wasn't like that before, I was a quitter, lazy boy, who didn't care less what will happen, amazingly life was good in that period, but I figured out what I want to be, and for the last 4 years I'm doing things to take me to my goal, to cross the finish line, doesn't matter what place, first or last.

I just know I can do better, and I can do more, I wish my ex will come back and be with me, sharing all the things I will acomplish, but she isn't here, so I'm alone, but don't worry, I was alone before a did ok, now I am again, but difference is that I'm a stronger, more experienced person, and it can only get better for me at some point.

I removed my self from toxic people, emotional vampires as they call them, but the problem is that now I'm alone, kinda starting from scratch... I have my true friends, but they are in my home country, and not close, but that's how it is, knowing that they exist is enough for me... My heart is broken, and I need to mend it myself, and it will be mended, this is not the first time.

 

On the other thing I do want to try again, cause I think I, we, could do much better, cause I've learned a lot in past months, but I guess I'm not ready yet.

Need to keep my impatience in control, cause I think that's the main problem, not only regarding to my ex, but to other aspects of my life.

 

We will see what this week will bring me, I hope it won't be only lemons, but if they are, all of you are invited on a lemonade

 

I really can't express enough gratitude to you guys, for your advices, your support... Also I want to thank person who changed my threads name.

[erklat]

I am not picking a fight.

 

I think if the personal growth has been achieved it doesn't matter what role you got in the breakup.

 

I thought Simon would say you shouldn't contact at any cost.

 

That's why I asked for clarification.

[d0cholliday]

I am not picking a fight.

 

I think if the personal growth has been achieved it doesn't matter what role you got in the breakup.

 

I thought Simon would say you shouldn't contact at any cost.

 

That's why I asked for clarification.

 

I will contact her when I am ready, but only when I'm really, really ready.... And I'm clearly not ready

 

I wish I could be in her shoes right now, it would be much more easier, cause obviously she is in a better position, sometimes feels like it's a game of chess, I'm quite sure that she, after trying to communicate with me, sadly in a stupid way, is waiting for me to make a move. Cause she is insecure, afraid, and untrhurstful, and she doesn't want to risk the rejection, probably afraid of loosing me for good, only if she knew that by doing this she is loosing me each day a little.

 

I spoke with my father moments ago, he told me, to answer her, and be clear... Tell her everything, but nothing, with something like:

 

I don't have time for distractions, and things that will set me back... I realised I can't rely on people, and the only thing it will help me, and put my life in the position where I want it to be is my education, and finishing colleg, getting a diploma. I would give it all to be in your position, but I'm not...

 

He said to me that should show her intentions with me. If she comes to support me, and if things evolve, make my move, and after that say to her, listen Yes or No, if the answer is No, then say Ok, from now on have a good life, I will never ever look at you in a romantic way, we can be just friends, and that's all....

 

That should wake her up, and she should see that she is loosing me fast...

But I will think really really good about doing this move... If I get rejected, at least I will know where I am. Probably will let this cook in my head for a while.

 

For now I'm sticking with NC.

[erklat]

No breaking NC!

 

She nows she has the upper hand.

 

Chicks rarely respond well to ultimatums.

 

If you break NC I'm certain she'll decline.

 

You'll be in the square one again.

 

Happiness from within first and foremost.

 

Then we'll see what to do with them.

[d0cholliday]

Ok, I'm feeling good today, she liked some song i posted, song has a meaning to me, and kinda has a message in it, but I really didn't posted it to get some response from ex, actually it was posted to see if another girl will respond, both of them did

 

About NC... I wanted to ask you guys something. What do you do if NC really helpes, but dumpee needs to make a first move? How to play that play? How to proceed?

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok, I'm feeling good today, she liked some song i posted, song has a meaning to me, and kinda has a message in it, but I really didn't posted it to get some response from ex, actually it was posted to see if another girl will respond, both of them did

 

About NC... I wanted to ask you guys something. What do you do if NC really helpes, but dumpee needs to make a first move? How to play that play? How to proceed?

 

The dumpee doesn't need to make a first move. There is nothing to proceed on. And you posting songs for her to like isn't exactly NC. Not sure what social media you're on, but at the very least you should be blocking her news feed or something, if not blocking her entirely.

 

But back to the question, you need to get this "I'm going to wait X amount of days then contact her" thing out of your head. She broke up with you, it's up to her to do the heavy lifting. And it's up to you to move forward and not use NC to wait her out.

 

The only play for you to make is to move forward. There is no play on the table that involves you reaching out to her.

[d0cholliday]

Ok guys, I did it.... I broke NC yesterday.

 

I thought a lot about it, really a lot... And I conlcuded I'm mentally strong enough to go with LC.... Yes I know most of you won't agree with me, but here is the thing, my ex is a very hard person, and she would rather be alone than make a move, I realised that cause the way she acts.

Cold via messages, but hot when she is around me.

I'm pretty sure now that her messages were a very pitty way of trying to communicate with me. It has been 3 months from the BU, and I decided what I want.

During this period I learned a lot about relationships, women. To tell you the truth, I feel much much better now after initiated a contact.

My main mistake is I became insecure in myself, and started to show signs of jealousy. Which is a major attraction killer, and I found out that she actually didn't want to break up with me, but I pushed her to do it..

I really think I can't get her back without being around her. Last time we were together her friends told me just be around her and it will be okay, I did that and we slept together, I know that doesn't mean much, but knowing her and the way she feels about sex ( read she is not a big fan of it, too much complexes, and insecurity about herself).

Also, stubborn as she is, and cares too much what others think, I realised that one of the problems of her getting back is her parents, cause she probably can't find a way to tell them that, since her parents took me in, invited me to spend summer with them, and then she broke up, and now probably feels stupid.

 

When I first met her, she was rejecting me for about 3 months before I managed to kiss her for the first time, I know I need to be consistent and try to win her over, but since we were a couple, and have a history I will need to be a little different now from the past. I need to show her I'm still a man whom she loved once, and had great affection. Cause as the relationship progressed I was getting to comfortable, lazy, boring etc... I really believe I can get her back, and show her she can count on me, and I'm serious about us having a familly in a future, I even have plans to get her a job, which she always wanted, ofcourse we would work together, but thats not so important now, but I think it will show her that I want to spend rest of my life with her.

 

I really put a lot of thinking in this and I decided to try and do my best. If I get heart broken again, well what can you do about it, at least I'll know I gave my best shot, but I will survive, it won't be first time. I decided to be a man and start slow, I won't push anything, or force her in any kind a way, I will be the guy she fell for. I know I can pull this, and I will succeed, but I will be carefull, cause I think this is all some sort of her test, and she probably has a little GIGS.

 

So I sent her a message explaining why I didn't answer her, that I'm at a better place now, and that I don't want us to keep playing this games, and if she want's I will let her get back in my life, but I suggested that we go slow, step by step and see where it takes us.

 

She agreed, but she was like OK, we can do that, she was always like that, and during RS sometimes I needed to pull emotions out of her, cause she is always scared cause she has thrust issues towards people in general, not only me. I also decided I will be good to her, kind and all the things she wanted from me, but instead of doing it like a wuss I'll do it like a man.

Will keep it causal, funny and flirty.

 

I'm ready for a "battle", If I get hurt, ok, maybe I will, maybe I won't, only thing I know is that's what I am, I always needed to hit my head in the wall to comprenhend things like they really are, I hope it won't happen now, and I just feel that's a right thing to do, and what I need to do.

 

I will move on with my life, keep improving myself, stay positive and work to better my life, cause I need to get my diploma, that's the only thing which is currently important to me, not my ex, not girls, my diploma. I realised that my problem is impatience and that I'm not her priority now, like I was before, that she has her own life, but I want to be a part of it.

 

Also I really want to thank you guys again for all the support you provided, but I would really appreciate if you could advise me as I update my situation and what's happening, how to make my moves, but not focus on my self healing cause I really good now, and I'm happy with my life, and I know better times are coming, I'm a good person and I deserve that, and I will make it happen.

 

PS: I know I should have waited more before breaking NC, but that just isn't me, I was a quitter all my life, and that's like quitting to me. ( most of you won't agree, but that's how I feel )

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm sorry dude, but this is a really f*cking stupid plan you have. It's hard to give advice for someone who is driven to do the worst possible thing, so I will just say best of luck. You're going to need it. The fact that you wrote a novel about it shows that you are not ready to do something like this.

[pickflicker]

See you in a few months when this blows up in your face.

 

If you have to "wear someone down" to get them love you, that's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. It's love, not Everest. It's just drama, drama, drama *yawn*.

[BC1980]

I tried something similar. I thought I could do LC to reel my ex back in because our relationship was just so different and the exception to the rule. You are like I was. You have not realized that if someone breaks up with you, they would actually rather be single than be with you. They have thought it through and want nothing more of the relationship.

 

Even though the truth is difficult to accept, if we would just accept it upfront, we wouldn't have so far to fall in the end when it all goes to hell.