What should i do? I'm the OM...

[OM-UK]

Hey Guys!

 

 

I'll keep it pretty short as its 4am here and im pretty tired.

 

I've been working [online] with a guy I know now for nearly 2 years, id say we're good buddies. He first introduced me to his wife over a year ago, and since then we've got on like a house on fire. Just a week or so after we where first introduced we would sit chatting on the phone/msn for hours on end.

 

Around 6 months ago she told me she really thought that she had feelings for me. I had fealt the exact same but not told her at the time due to her husband being a "friend" and all that...

 

About a month later after her constantly hassling me to tell her my feelings i admitted that i "liked" her. We've met up a few times since then, and my feelings have only grew for her, and hers for me. We do love each other, she told me she loved me and ive told her i love her, many times everyday infact for the past 2 or 3 months.

 

We still can talk for ages with each other, over the xmas break we spoke for nearly 12 hours each day.

 

Some of you must be wondering "where's her husband when this is all going on". Well he's there in the house with her. I'm not trying to make excuses but he really treats her like crap, pays absolutely no attention to her. He spends most of his time telling her to shut up because he cant hear his computer games or he's busy drinking some wine. She is VERY nice to him, he shows her no respect and very little affection. He KNOWS we go on little trips away together, he doesnt mind, go figure.

 

 

 

The few trips we have been on so far have only been for a day or 2 and it hasnt been much time to see if we'd actually work together in the "real world" as a couple.

 

She has tried to break up with him and tell him to get out on a few occassions but he likes to shut her out and say "shut up, im not listening" so she cant get very far..

 

 

Anyway, we have nearly a week together on a trip we've planned for the end of this month. She says she'll know for sure after this trip what to do.

 

What im wondering, if she doesnt make a decision after this trip, how long should I wait on her? I really love her and would do anything for her, she knows this. I would wait forever for her but thats not very realistic and I dont want to wait on something that will never happen.

 

So how long do I wait for her to make a move? Weather its breaking up with her husband or moving out of the house or whatever, whats a reasonable amount of time?

 

We've known we've "liked" each other for around 5 months now so take that time into consideration.

 

 

 

Another question.... we've sort of planned it out, if/when she gets divorced she will not tell him about me, we will "gradually" grow together in other peoples eyes, do you think this is a good idea? I know honestly is often the best policy but me and her husband DO have to work together.

 

I have asked one thing of her weather she wants me or not, and that is that she breaks up with her husband, he really doesnt deserve her and she deserves to be treated so much better, even if it isnt by me.

 

 

Any advice/comments on this situation is greatly appreciated!!

 

Thanks!

[DinNJ]

put your sneakers on and RUN! I wouldn't go on the trip either.... she's married.. cut it off... see if she comes to you. See how much she REALLY loves you, before you get yourself mixed up in that mess.

[quankanne]

walk away.

 

no matter how much you care for her, no matter how much she cares for you – no matter how awful her life is with her husband, the fact remains she is married.

 

you love her? you want to plan a life with her? all good and fine, but before you move forward, you need to be sure she is a free agent (that means divorced) before you begin making lifelong plans to be with her. if you guys truly love each other, you'll be willing to make the needed sacrifices while she ends her marriage no matter how hard you know it will be.

 

however, it sounds to me that you're an interesting diversion, one she's in full control of ("after her constantly hassling me to tell her my feelings i admitted that i "liked" her"). Believe me, if she's truly interested in being with you, she'd already have gotten divorce proceedings underway because she realizes that she cannot be legally and morally obliged to another if she's "meant" to be with you.

 

at least this is my sincere hope!

[johan]

Probably best to back out until something gets settled between them. You'll respect yourself for it. She will, too. And maybe she'll be in more of a hurry to fix her situation if she thinks it's as bad as you do. And if she wants you as bad as you say.

 

Also probably best to look for another job, if you actually think you and she will get together. Why would you and he want to see each other every day? Even if he doesn't care that much, why make it more complicated than it already is?

 

To be honest, you seem willing to sacrifice your integrity for not much. As in, she hasn't promised you anything. If you think you really want her love, maybe you should consider whether you've chosen the best way to earn it. Not only could things not work out with her, but things could get really bad between you and him. There are good risks and bad risks. Women typically admire a guy who takes good risks. And they don't really respect guys who take bad risks. You're taking bad risks.

[Owl]

Wow...you sound exactly like the OM my wife got involved with....I feel a little strange even responding to your post!!!

 

Read my thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

Think about a few things real quick.

 

1. No matter what she's telling you her marriage is like, the truth is likely something different. I'm sure my wife would have described me in similar ways during her online emotional affair...and probably did. Was this accurate? No. It's what she WANTED to see to justify her affair with him. Same thing in your case friend.

 

2. It won't last. Look at the posts with ALL of the OM/OW here, and see how many of them have resulted in a happy, long term committment between the two of them.

 

3. You are an ESCAPE. You're NOT her love. If she leaves him, she'll be running AWAY from her husband, not TO you. She likely doesn't even see that herself at this point. Once the affair begun, it began coloring everything she sees and does.

 

You've asked for advice. My advice is that you break it off with her. You work online with her husband. Then, as a friend...you might tell him how unhappy she is in her marriage. I'm not saying admit to what's been going on...probably not good for your health. But you might let him know how unhappy she is, what she seems to be looking for....give him some warning so MAYBE he'll get his head out of his tuckus and fix his marriage. If he doesn't...then perhaps it will end in a divorce where you and her DO end up together. Starting a relationship like you've done now is a sure way to find yourself hurting and alone in a few months.

 

I asked my wife what she was unahppy about when she was with me. She said she didn't know. I told her "if you don't know, and it's NOT me, then you'll be taking whatever made you unhappy with you. For the first few months, you'll be happy with him. Then, guilt will set in, reality will hit, he'll be spending time at work instead of with you, and the next thing you know, you'll be unhappy all over again, because you never solved the problem to begin with." What are the odds your MW is going to be in the same boat friend??

 

Be honest with her, and give them a chance to fix their marriage. If what you've got is "meant to be", then it'll happen when it's supposed to...when she's divorced. If it's not, then you'll know, and you'll have the chance to find the person you're supposed to be with.

[OM-UK]

Thank you for your advice and opinions guys and gals.

 

The thing is I really am in love with her and quite attached so I dont think I can just run away from her.

 

I do KNOW that her husband is as bad as she describes as i've often heard him saying/shouting these things at her and treating her badly. All of her friends also think she is mad to be with him. Even most of his friends say the exact same thing, and his own family. Unfortunetly he is as bad as she makes out, infact she even defends him sometimes when he's being an ass, he's probably worse than she makes out.

 

Our next trip away is in 2 weeks, too late and spent too much money to cancel. I'm not telling her this so she doesnt feel pressured but if she doesnt make a decision after this trip then i'll be trying my best to back off.

 

I, her friends, and his family have tried explaining to him that she is unhappy. When she asked him to leave and said she wanted a divorce it hit him what he could lose and he was "nice" for a day or two before resorting to his usual ways. Whats the saying? A leapord never changes its stripes?

 

I wont be making any plans or commiting to anything until she's not married, she knows that. We'll see how it goes at the end of the month. Got the funniest feeling its all going to end in tears though (for me).

 

Thank you again !!

[Owl]

Got the funniest feeling its all going to end in tears though (for me).

 

Hate to say it, and I don't mean it as a bash, so please don't take it that way, but honestly, it almost always does end up that way. You've entered into a situation that NO ONE will walk away from unscarred. Trust me...been there from the husband's perspective. My wife is still with me, and we've worked out a LOT of things. And as much as I hate the OM in our case, I know full well that he was seriously hurt from the way things worked out in our case. I can almost feel sorry for him in my more forgiving moments. All three of us were hurt and scarred by what happened...and I really think it's likely to end that way for you as well. I could be wrong...whatever happens, I hope it comes out the best possible way it can for all of you.

[OM-UK]

A few things I didnt include.

 

She has been with this guy since she was 16, she's now 21. She got married at 19.

 

She has told him that she no longer loves him. She only married him because she didnt think she could do any better, she also asked him on there wedding night that if she ever fell in love with someone would he let her go, he said yes.

 

There relationship is more like that of a brother and sister than a married couple...

 

I appreciate where you are coming from Owl, but this is slightly different as he is the one driving her away. Before she met me she used to go out and "pull" guys nearly every weekend. She used to bring boys back to the house, he didnt care. She hasnt done this in quite a while now. She also used to drink a LOT more before we started talking.

 

I just want her to be happy really. I really hope this works out in a way that she will be.....

 

 

Thanks.

[BoatingBabe]

Originally posted by OM-UK

Before she met me she used to go out and "pull" guys nearly every weekend. She used to bring boys back to the house, he didnt care.

 

Wow, sounds like a respectable "lady" Why do you want to get involved with that? She will do the same thing to you, because she is so young 21...I am sure she's not ready for ANY relationship. She should probably get divorced and play the field for a while.

[OM-UK1]

She told me the only reason she used to do that is because she got no affection at home and it felt like she was single. She hasnt done this in months since we met and started liking each other.

 

Before when I was in denial about it i did suggest she should maybe be single for a while but thats not what she wants she says.

[Owl]

Wow...what a relationship they must have!!! She's gone out and "pulled" guys and taken them home before, he's mean and loud...it sounds to me like neither one of them ever learned how to have a real relationship with anyone before.

 

If she's done that to him, and is now involved with you, I have to admit friend that you're almost garaunteed to end up in tears. Your relationship with her has only taught her even more that it's ok to go outside of your committed relationship when you feel its needed.

 

Good luck to you. I can understand wanting her to be happy...but it sounds to me like she's got a LOT of growing up and learning to do before that happens....if ever. If she doesn't do that learning now, your relationship with her is going to be interesting, that's pretty clear.