Eternal Sunshine Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I work with this couple that were both married with kids and cheated on their partners (they were all friends which makes it even worse). They have since divorced their SOs and are now officially together. I can't help but feel physically sickened whenever I see them together Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I get thoroughly disgusted with cheaters and especially the ones you just described. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I guess my reaction would be anger and sympathy. Anger the the individuals who were deluded enough to think that their happiness should outweigh the pain of their spouses whom they pledged fidelity. Anger at such individuals who could selfishly pursue their own pleasure at the expense of their partners' welfare. Anger that they could ignore the pain their delusions could inflict on the people around them. Anger that they could ignore the confusion and pain they brought to their (possibly) own children's lives who look up to them as role models and with trust. Yet I cannot help but look at them with sympathy. Sympathy because they are so deluded as to believe their happiness is now assured. Sympathy because they believe each will be trustworthy to the other...despite how this relationship was founded. Sympathy because they did not have the intelligence to determine the problems that made them choose the affair. And sympathy for them that they did not have the strength to leave a bad situation before entering a new one. I guess sickness isn't quite the feeling I would have yet I can see why you would call it that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 No. Disappointed, maybe. Critical, yes, at times. But disgusted? No. Given that cheating is high on the list of divorcees, this would imply that we're disgusted with pretty much 50% of the population. We all know somebody who's cheated. We could be cheats ourselves. Every situation is different, and whether we agree, concur support, decry or condemn it, there is always reason in the mind of the perpetrator. Disgust is too strong a term to be sustainable, anyway.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 It does kind of depends right? I mean while there is no justification for cheating - but there can be abuse, abandonment, cheating on the other side - and other things that happened in their marriage - you may not know what happened in their marriages. But in general I might say its not so much the cheating but how they felt about it. If they are not disgusted (at least a little bit) with themselves for cheating - then ya I get a bit repulsed.. People who have no (i mean none - nada ) remorse or accountabiliy make me a bit sick to my stomach. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 From the outside it may look black and white to you but I'm sure it wasn't to them, as is often said around here you DON'T know what was going on in their marriages... IMO, disgust seems a strong word. If they are now married they are surely facing more challenges than the average married couple and trying to figure things out and do their best like everyone else... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 It's not really my place to say what's right or wrong for their relationships or marriages. A couple in my business circle recently married after he finally divorced his wife. Their affair was the worst kept secret in our industry. In some ways I feel sorry for her because no one respects her & assumes she got everything she ever achieved because she was sleeping with him. I admit I think she got most of it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I am afraid there are no words in any language, nor would it be permitted on this website, for me to explain the hatred, sickening hatred I have for cheaters. No, I am not talking about those who are remorseful, and stop their selfish wanton desires. I am speaking of those who get a thrill about destroying lives, so, that they may have some mere pleasure with a cheater all alike. So, yes, I am disgusted by them. Edited January 10, 2014 by Toddbt12y1 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I am afraid there are no words in any language....for me to explain the hatred.... I have for cheaters. ... I am speaking of those who get a thrill about destroying lives, so, that they may have some mere pleasure with a cheater all alike. If this were their main and sole objective, I would agree with you. But that's neither their motive, nor reason for cheating. This is a by-product, and not one they can claim sole responsibility for. It takes 3 to tango. The cheater, the AP - and the BP. For a person to cheat, there must have been something amiss and/or awry within their relationship. The blame for the affair lies solely, fairly and squarely, on the shoulders of the cheater. The RESPONSIBILITY or the state of the relationship he - or she - had with their partner, cuts both ways..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I work with this couple that were both married with kids and cheated on their partners (they were all friends which makes it even worse). They have since divorced their SOs and are now officially together. I can't help but feel physically sickened whenever I see them together Easy answer, yes, very disgusted. And, until after my divorce, dating woman who had been cheated on and reading posts here, I had no idea how common it was..and almost "acceptable". My male best friend speaks of wanting an open marriage, flirts and has even touched woman when I am out with him. I find it disgusting. And, I am good friends with his wife, and I feel for her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 For a person to cheat, there must have been something amiss and/or awry within their relationship. Then why not address that "something", versus cheating? That is my issue with cheating. They know "what's right or wrong", or their moral compass is off. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I disagree Tara. Aren't there still better options? Divorce them. If something is pushing one to cheat, in a marriage or other, and there is no willingness to fix this problem(s), divorce them. Sorry, but those who cheat destroy lives. You can be pushed: But you can divorce too. I neither show mercy to cheaters, nor need to. Isn't this a problem with the world? All to willing to make the victim even more a victim, out of some sympathy for those who shouldn't have it.... There is always another way. I could have a wife that treats me like pure ****. Won't sleep with me or nothing. Insults me constantly, lazy, whatever. But if I allow that to make me cheat on that person, when I know that other options, better options exist: that is my fault. Makes me no better than someone treating me like filth. Now, do not get offended Tara. I respect your opinion and how you feel: but I feel different; this is my opinion. Why show a cheater sympathy? (Remember, I am and have been talking about a heartless, remorseless cheater). Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Then why not address that "something", versus cheating? That is my issue with cheating. They know "what's right or wrong", or their moral compass is off. I agree. But that's not the question here. The question is whether we are disgusted by cheaters. I have said 'no' and I've clarified why. Their actions may be criticised, in spades, but we need to know what they are before we assign a judgement so harsh.... I disagree Tara. Aren't there still better options? Divorce them. If something is pushing one to cheat, in a marriage or other, and there is no willingness to fix this problem(s), divorce them. Agreed.... Sorry, but those who cheat destroy lives. You can be pushed: But you can divorce too. I neither show mercy to cheaters, nor need to. Isn't this a problem with the world? No, the problem with this world is that we all yearn for peace, yet gird ourselves for war....Why get into a 'battle-mode' mentality, when discussion should be the first option? All to willing to make the victim even more a victim, out of some sympathy for those who shouldn't have it.... If you don't know the situation, how can you know where the sympathy should lie...? There is always another way. I could have a wife that treats me like pure ****. Won't sleep with me or nothing. Insults me constantly, lazy, whatever. But if I allow that to make me cheat on that person, when I know that other options, better options exist: that is my fault. Makes me no better than someone treating me like filth. See above, for what I say about 'fault'..... Now, do not get offended Tara. I respect your opinion and how you feel: but I feel different; this is my opinion. Why show a cheater sympathy? (Remember, I am and have been talking about a heartless, remorseless cheater). No offence taken at all. But the 'heartless and remorseless' was not specified in either the title, or the first post..... I took the question as it stood. It's difficult now to keep moving the goalposts.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeingMe Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Disgusted by UNREPENTENT cheaters? Yes. Disgusted by cheaters who are working hard to not do it again? No. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 In my original post, with what I mentioned TM, was concerning heartless remorseless kind. I am well aware that that is not what E.S.'s post is about. I don't know who to show sympathy for. I just know that one cheated. Thus, one is a cheater. That much I do know. If someone else is guilty of pushing a person too far, whatever reason that may be, then they are guilty of that. I just know the cheater certainly doesn't deserve sympathy. If his wife or her husband did them wrong; and they cheated, neither get my sympathy. If she or he did them wrong; and they divorced them(After all steps taken to fix this issue(s), then my sympathy lies with the person who underwent a hellish marriage. If that person cheats; and their spouse is a generally good person, and unaware of any problems within the marriage(their husband or wife doesn't communicate these issues to them), then my sympathy lies with the one cheated on. Peace? I wish. The best way for peace is to never start an affair, never to cheat, period. To communicate your problems - like adults. To try and fix a damaging relationship. If not, divorce. This is the best peace one can hope for. Cause, there is no peace in either treating someone like filth, or cheating on them. Peace lies in trying to resolve the problem. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 My brother has cheated on every woman he has dated, and when he was married. With multiple woman, not affairs, just sex. He's my brother, I love him, though I find his actions & behaviors, and no remorse for them, disgusting. He was proud of himself with his last gf as he only slept with 6-7 woman during their first 2 years dating, and stopped cheating after 2 years. He broke up with her, as her ex husband was still in her life, for non romantic sexual reasons; and he hounded her about her being around him and he had major retroactive jealousy...how ironic. He lost a great one in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 what if both people cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I work with this couple that were both married with kids and cheated on their partners (they were all friends which makes it even worse). They have since divorced their SOs and are now officially together. I can't help but feel physically sickened whenever I see them together I'm not disgusted at them as such - its them who has to look themselves in the mirror! I have no sympathy for them when it all blows up Id be beyond disgusted with myself though, i would never be able to look myself in the mirror again! To me there's just no justification at all, ever. Its betrayal. Sometimes you cant avoid hurting other people but its 100% your choice how you do things - maybe honour and loyalty just means more to me - If i had to fight, I'd rather die by my sword in a fair fight i stand hardly any chance to win than sneak up and put a knife in someone's back. That's what I think cheating is - a knife in the back of someone you swore your loyalty too. People will always make different choices, you cant make everyone the same, i wouldn't want to. But I just don't understand cheating, i really cant comprehend the desire - I just....i dunno, i couldn't do it! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 what if both people cheat? Then they are both dogs, no? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 not necessarily, no..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Yes I am. If you want to have an open relationship there are plenty of people into that so why not find them? I am pro honesty. I have dumped friends who cheat on their women and it's especially when they have a good woman. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 not necessarily, no..... I am sure there are grays. T.M. I really do respect you, do you know this? I find your responses in most threads wonderful, and chalked full of the wisdom you have gained over the years. You are a remarkable woman. If two people do cheat....Depending on what goes on, a gray area or something...perhaps not. If these two people cheat, and come to the realization of how selfish and childish that it is. They make amends: I honestly feel no disdain towards either of them. Why, one could say, I respect them for that decision. It takes a real man and a real woman to be strong enough to forgive each other, and work through any relationship problems, even if they both cheated. My thinking is certainly on heartless kind; not on those who did something foolish and regret and change it. I know, that is not of the topic, but just wanted to clarify my own points. Anyway....I am sorry if I offend you or anyone - not my intent. I thank you for understanding this. You have always been a remarkable poster; I would lie if I said I wasn't jealous of your knowledge and wisdom. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it ill behaves any of us to find fault with the rest of us. This is a bit like discussing Abortion, Suicide or vegetarianism. AS A WHOLE: I deplore Abortionists. AS A WHOLE: I find talk of suicide deplorable, selfish and misguided. AS A WHOLE: I condemn those who eat meat. AS A WHOLE; I find cheaters immoral and selfish - to say the least. Taking all those criteria on an individual basis, i couldn't possibly comment, until I speak to the individuals concerned and glean insight into their motives. Having spent a good few years working with a counselling organisation, I find it almost impossible to really come down on one side of the fence or the other. Your generous words flatter me, but if I have gleaned knowledge and wisdom, it has been through the experiences and stories of other individuals who have affected my life and influenced my perception. It is to the credit of those around me, that I have the opinions I hold today.... You're too kind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 If this were their main and sole objective, I would agree with you. But that's neither their motive, nor reason for cheating. This is a by-product, and not one they can claim sole responsibility for. It takes 3 to tango. The cheater, the AP - and the BP. For a person to cheat, there must have been something amiss and/or awry within their relationship. The blame for the affair lies solely, fairly and squarely, on the shoulders of the cheater. The RESPONSIBILITY or the state of the relationship he - or she - had with their partner, cuts both ways..... This is a interesting perspective, as if it;s true, ten the for whom people should feel the most disgust for would be the om/ow. after all, they had no underlying grievance or problem with the bs that would rationalize their behavior. To me, I am disgusted by the behavior. The person, not often, but the behavior, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I agree that both people are responsible for the state of relationship but cheaters have a habit of making things look as bad as possible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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