TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 This is a interesting perspective, as if it;s true, ten the for whom people should feel the most disgust for would be the om/ow. after all, they had no underlying grievance or problem with the bs that would rationalize their behavior. And how do we know this to be the case....? We have no idea until we investigate, precisely how this dynamic functions, or who's involved.... Much of the time, the OW/OM is actually already known to the BP.... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I agree that both people are responsible for the state of relationship but cheaters have a habit of making things look as bad as possible. of course. It's in their interest to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 No cheaters don't disgust me, My husband was one. And his past behaviour stopped disgusting me. Now I just feel sympathy for those who realize how destructive they are and want out, or are deluding themselves to what they really got into and that any happy ending will be at the expense of someone else and ven their own morals if morals had to be lowered to engage (some people don't have morals against lying and betraying someone in the first place). What I get disgusted by for sure is those who participate in multiple DDays, gaslight and manipulate their spouse, and then go and repeat the behaviour. It is one thin to slip into an affair. It is entirely different to see first hand the devestation it caused, say you are working on te marriage, and then pick up the affair again. Also people who are seriel cheaters, no they are, and yet still commit to monogamous marriages. But the people themselves don't disgust me just the behaviour. And it makes me sad that there are such screwed up people in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 And how do we know this to be the case....? We have no idea until we investigate, precisely how this dynamic functions, or who's involved.... Much of the time, the OW/OM is actually already known to the BP.... So are you saying that an om/ow can rationalize getting involved with a married person ( thus enabling cheating) because they have a grievance with the bs? Some sort of way to get even and settle the score? I hope people aren't doing that. It sounds really weird to me. I;m not saying it doesn't happen, but in all the stories i have ever read, i've never once heard a man or woman say they got involved with someone's spouse as a way to address a grievance. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 No. Disappointed, maybe. Critical, yes, at times. But disgusted? No. I feel similarly; although, there are cases that are particularly heinous and that do leave me feeling disgust more than anything else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I marvel at how humble you are TaraMaiden. Not many like you. Well...I have nothing else to add to this, I should take my leave from this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I am sure there are grays....Depending on what goes on, a gray area or something...perhaps not. I don't understand the "grey" people refer to when it comes to affairs? I can only see black or white, do or don't - what else is there Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) I am not disgusted by cheaters, but I do see them as being emotionally deficient in some way. IMO, cheating is not circumstantial or situational. I believe it's character related. I know that whatever happens in my marriage, I won't cheat because of my own personal integrity. What someone else does to me doesn't change my values or the way I conduct myself. If I were to be abused or neglected, my husband may no longer deserve my loyalty- but that DOES NOT change the fact that I am not a liar or a cheater. It's not about the problems in the marriage or what the spouse does to you, it's about personal integrity. Is it understandable to steal because someone stole from you? Would you kick a puppy if it growls or nips at you? Do you dump your trash in the street because the garbage man skipped your house today? I wouldn't do those things, because I am not a thief, I love animals and I don't litter. My point is, my actions are a reflection of ME- my values and beliefs. They don't change depending on how people treat me or what goes wrong in my life. I also disagree that because someone cheats, it means that the BS is partially responsible for the state of the marriage. There are self entitled cheaters who just want new & different (BS can't be new or different). There are lots of cheaters that are just escaping their own issues (they cheat as a way of self medicating, like addicts). There are conflict avoiders & passive aggressive cheaters who cheat without even telling the BS that anything was wrong. You can't expect a BS to be a mind reader. Cheaters don't disgust me, but I wouldn't choose them as someone I would be friends with. I would view them as someone that has personal issues that need to be addressed with counseling. I would see them as untrustworthy, self centered and weak. I am not saying that cheaters can't mature or change- they can & do. I just think what people do is a reflection of character, and I try to fill my life with trustworthy, stable people. I think it's wrong to judge people by their race, culture, sexual orientation, etc. but I think it's OK to judge people by their actions. A cheater is not just someone in an unhappy marriage, they are a person that has demonstrated a propensity to lie, cheat, sneak, omit, hide, etc. Many people in unhappy marriages don't cheat, so that leads me to believe it's the person's character, and not the situation that's to blame. The unhappy marriage may have been the stressor that brought out the behavior, but those character traits were already there. Edited January 10, 2014 by Quiet Storm 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Debanked Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 What disgusts me is when people lack the ability and sense to learn from the mistakes of others and repeat bad behavior. Don't touch the hot stove! *Touches stove. Gets burned.* Facepalm. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I agree that both people are responsible for the state of relationship but cheaters have a habit of making things look as bad as possible. Both people are responsible for there 50% of the relationship, hence most of the time both people are responsible for the state of the relationship. The state of the relationship doesn't make a cheater though. Its just a common excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I'm disgusted by cheating, but don't tend to see people who cheat as only "cheaters". People have many sides. It's difficult to adjust to a relationship that started as an affair, but eventually everyone needs to move on and accept them as a couple if they are making a life together. Well, I guess you don't need to, but you are only hurting yourself by holding onto the negative. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 When I was young, starting as a teenager, this really bothered me, as it was something I had never been exposed to but, over time, I found that the bother I was feeling, not really being 'disgust' but rather more annoyance having to do with being passed over in favor of such people, was really counterproductive to my own mental and emotional health. I realized all I was doing was wearing myself out. Those people didn't care; that was obvious. Nowadays, as it's so common in my demographic and I experience new iterations nearly daily, I'm not even moved by it in any substantive way. Perhaps that's a function of age; perhaps a function of life experience. I'd like to feel outrage and disgust, kind of like when I observe former smokers accosting smokers and lecturing them, but the feelings just aren't there anymore. People have their vices and sometimes they are hurtful. One person's vices put her in the ground today at the young age of 49. I guess I'd like to be mad at her but I just don't feel that. Mixed bag. Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I don't understand the "grey" people refer to when it comes to affairs? I can only see black or white, do or don't - what else is there I am very much a black/white person. The grey in this could be the wife or husband's abuse or something like that, which helped a person make a choice to cheat. However, the cheater is surely guilty of cheating. Nothing else to it. The grey is the abuse her or he gave out. They are guilty of being a whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 The grey in this could be the wife or husband's abuse or something like that, which helped a person make a choice to cheat. abuse can make you chose to leave, sure, you should do. But cheat? why? Why does someone else's choosing to be abusive make you throw away any morals you hold? It doesn't......well i don't get it. I don't..i don't get the desire, i just i don't understand why you'd do it to yourself...for what, sex? Don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Yes, cheaters do disgust me. It's not always the case, but more often than not I find something yucky in the character and personality of a cheater that makes them very difficult for me to be around. I have ended friendships over cheating. Even though it's not my business. I guess that makes me seem really rigid and judgmental, but I just have a really hard time carrying on like normal with someone I've lost respect for. I have been cheated on before, and it was the most painful period of my life. I think that has a lot to do with it. The degree of selfishness it takes to cheat on someone, paired the the level of emotional damage it causes, is such that I automatically judge anyone who has gone there. I know, intellectually, there are gray areas, and that individual experiences are so incredibly varied. That sometimes bad relationships are so bad, so toxic, that neither party knows which way is up. But knowing that intellectually is not really enough for me to get over the complete revulsion I feel for anyone (even close friends) once I know they'd cheated. I feel the same kind of revulsion for other extreme acts of impropriety... a good example is a teacher sleeping with his/her students. I'm a teacher, and for that reason i guess that's one of those things that just absolutely disgusts me. Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) abuse can make you chose to leave, sure, you should do. But cheat? why? Why does someone else's choosing to be abusive make you throw away any morals you hold? It doesn't......well i don't get it. I don't..i don't get the desire, i just i don't understand why you'd do it to yourself...for what, sex? Don't get it. My understanding of grey areas is rather limited. Don't take what I say as what it is. I am at work, and my responses are limited. Anyway, I believe "Grey", is used to say that the other person may not have been an angel, and therefore, not fit for sympathy... Lol, you know what? I don't know. I probably need to shut up. As you can see, me and grey areas don't agree with one another so well. I don't really know. My thinking is different...maybe someone else could tell you... I see things similar in fashion to you. I only agreed to the grey area as in someone could push someone enough: be mean or abusive, and don't deserve sympathy themselves are guilty of that. A cheater is a cheater. Sorry man Edited January 10, 2014 by Toddbt12y1 Link to post Share on other sites
AloneNow Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Cheating is always wrong no matter what the excuse or reasoning behind it is. If you have to cheat, then I don't understand why some people don't communicate and expect their partner to figure out what's wrong with them. How are we suppose to be mind readers? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Cheating disgusts so much that I have friends who are actually involved in criminal activity who I still associate with but I shun friends who cheat on a good woman. If man has a truly good woman he should treat her well instead of cheating on her. They are not easy to find. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 This is a bit like discussing Abortion, Suicide or vegetarianism. AS A WHOLE: I deplore Abortionists. AS A WHOLE: I find talk of suicide deplorable, selfish and misguided. AS A WHOLE: I condemn those who eat meat. AS A WHOLE; I find cheaters immoral and selfish - to say the least. Taking all those criteria on an individual basis, i couldn't possibly comment, until I speak to the individuals concerned and glean insight into their motives. Having spent a good few years working with a counselling organisation, I find it almost impossible to really come down on one side of the fence or the other. . The thing with cheating is that it is a choice. Compared to something like suicide, which is often predicated by mental illness over which someone may have little control, it is something that a person does of their own free will, predicated by a situation they can control. A person who contemplates suicide may have a life that most would view as near perfects but due to a mental illness such as depression, adjustment disorder, schizophrenia, etc., they may have little real control over their actions. I saw this in my oldest child, who has a mental illness ( major depression) and felt a compulsion to end her life. She was at a place where we quite literally had to force her to get help, and she is much better now. A person who cheats has no such compulsions they have no control over to seek a relationship out side their marriage. (unless, perhaps, they are bi polar) . They cheat because they want to, and that tell something about their character. It's not a case of doing something in order to survive, it's done for pleasure. Of course, there are people who cheat, learn from it and never do it again. They work hard to find other ways of addressing issues in their relationships and life in general. I have quite a bit of respect for these people, as such self discovery it often the result of a lot of difficult soul searching. It's the people who will continue to blame anyone and everyone else for their life choices that I find much more difficult to feel any sort of sympathy or empathy for. I feel disgust for the actions of those who go through their lives hurting others, and having affairs does just this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dean13 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I would find someone who cheats on me, or with my wife/SO disgusting. Everything else is none of my business. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 My understanding of grey areas is rather limited. Don't take what I say as what it is. I am at work, and my responses are limited. Anyway, I believe "Grey", is used to say that the other person may not have been an angel, and therefore, not fit for sympathy... Lol, you know what? I don't know. I probably need to shut up. As you can see, me and grey areas don't agree with one another so well. I don't really know. My thinking is different...maybe someone else could tell you... I see things similar in fashion to you. I only agreed to the grey area as in someone could push someone enough: be mean or abusive, and don't deserve sympathy themselves are guilty of that. A cheater is a cheater. Sorry man No, no worries lad, I wasn't putting you on the spot. I totally get that the other people could of been a real tool, but i just think whatever they are is ever an excuse for cheating (walk away but cheating in a lot of cases is having a cake and eating it - however bad the cake is) I dunno - like i say i just dont understand where things supposedly get grey. But then like i've said before, i cant really give proper advice when it comes to affairs because i dont understand both sides, I don't get it. Y'know the thought of sleeping with another girl behind my girlfriends back - it makes me nauseous. Its not about whether i'll get caught, how hot the girl is, what state our relationships in.....i just don't understand the desire, y'know? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Trust my I understand fully what you are saying....My fiancee, a woman I loved so dearly, is one of these cold and heartless/remorseless cheaters. Whatever her excuses(and im sure she has them) do not justify her actions. Truth is, she destroyed who I was. I went through a lot of hell getting back some of myself. I wasn't perfect, but was a goodman to her. Excuses do not justify. A cheater is a cheater. I know from experience: it destroys lives.... Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 When I was young, starting as a teenager, this really bothered me, as it was something I had never been exposed to but, over time, I found that the bother I was feeling, not really being 'disgust' but rather more annoyance having to do with being passed over in favor of such people, was really counterproductive to my own mental and emotional health. I realized all I was doing was wearing myself out. Those people didn't care; that was obvious. Nowadays, as it's so common in my demographic and I experience new iterations nearly daily, I'm not even moved by it in any substantive way. Perhaps that's a function of age; perhaps a function of life experience. I'd like to feel outrage and disgust, kind of like when I observe former smokers accosting smokers and lecturing them, but the feelings just aren't there anymore. People have their vices and sometimes they are hurtful. One person's vices put her in the ground today at the young age of 49. I guess I'd like to be mad at her but I just don't feel that. Mixed bag. There is a big difference between a vice, like smoking and engaging in morally reprehensible behavior, like cheating and lying. Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 There is a big difference between a vice, like smoking and engaging in morally reprehensible behavior, like cheating and lying. Would a better question be, do you find cheating, immoral? I do Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I have always been very anti-cheating, even before I was a BS. I didn't reach the point of disgust until I joined this site and started reading some of the narcissistic and unapologetic postings by some (not all) OW/OM and adulterers. There is something very wrong with how some of these people are wired. Link to post Share on other sites
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