New Relationship/Tony Help!

[Pam]

Hi Tony: You give the best advice! I was married for 20 years, now divorced and dating. I met someone about 8 weeks ago and it seems like it's going pretty well. My problem is that I am worried about whether or not he is commited. I know it is too early, but I'm 40 and I don't want to waste time on someone that wants to date for fun. He is 39, never been married. He dated and almost married someone for 4 years and she left him. He said he wants to find someone to settle down with, but then the next week he'll complain that his married friends can't go out on Friday nights. He calls me every day, sees me one time during the week and we date on Saturday nights. To me, this isn't enough. Being married 20 years, I am used to more of a companion. Is this a reasonable time to spend when first dating? When do you know when to leave? When and how will I know what his true intentions are? I'm afraid to get commited, fall in love and be hurt. Thanks, Pam

[diederik]

Hi Tony, i have a problem i'm really in love with a girl her name is eva butt i don't know what to do. Sometimes i think she likes me butt sometimes not. She looks sometimes to me and sometimes she flirt with me. i just don't know what to do, i love her somuch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i'd call her and i asked her for a date with me butt she dind't know what she feels for me. and now i feel terreble and i think she don't want me. wat do you yhink if she wanna go out whit me or not?

 

help me! Diederik

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I'm afraid to get commited, fall in love and be hurt."

 

Well, maybe you ought to live alone. There can be no love where there is fear. There are no guarantees. Give this some thought.

 

QUOTING YOU: "I'm 40 and I don't want to waste time on someone that wants to date for fun."

 

Hey, dating is ONLY for fun. You've only known this guy eight weeks...that's a very short time. And if you're just out of a 20 year relationship, why are you dating only him? Dating is a fun experience that sometimes leads to more and sometimes does not. Either way, it's OK. If you let your age and impatience cloud your judgement and make you impulsive, you're in for big trouble.

 

QUOTING YOU: "He calls me every day, sees me one time during the week and we date on Saturday nights. To me, this isn't enough. Being married 20 years, I am used to more of a companion. Is this a reasonable time to spend when first dating?"

 

He's probably thinking if you are making these kinds of demands on him after only eight weeks, Lord knows what you would be like if he married you. Demands place a terrible burden on other people. Humans want to feel free and experience that birthright, even if they are in a relationship. They want relationships to flow freely.

 

If you don't like the way this is flowing, get out of it. But please don't place demands on a fellow human. It will surely cause him to move away.

 

Frankly, there are millions of women who would absolutely die to have a guy who called them every day, saw them once during the week and on weekends. The dependability itself is worth a thousand points in this day and age. Ask any lady here. There are a lot of jerks that hardly ever call them. If this guy calls you and sees you with this frequency after eight weeks, you've got a gem.

 

FINAL QUESTIONS: "When do you know when to leave? When and how will I know what his true intentions are?"

 

It's scary how you are wondering when to leave before the relationship has gotten a chance to even take off. However, you have to go with your own feelings. You leave when you just don't feel right about a situation. You leave when you feel in your heart you've given things enough time and you still don't feel special to that person.

 

At your age, you are probably looking at things from a more practical standpoint. You would want to leave when you see that his intentions aren't the same as yours. His remarks about marriage may be an indication. But you have to talk to him, you have to probe his mind...to see what his real feelings are. Although not necessarily true, I would think it's a good indication he has some sort of issues if at his age he hasn't been married. Usually if not married by 35 or so, we are talking either confirmed bachelor or someone with problems. This can change...but when is anybody's guess. But there are times when a man of that age just hasn't met the right person.

 

You'll know what his intentions are after you have gotten time to know him, you have listened to what he has to say and had discussions about this. However, if you dwell on relationship issues with him often, this will drive him away. Lighten up a bit for a while and enjoy yourself.

 

I hope you will cool your jets. I know you are used to companionship and you miss that. You were married for 20 years and you want that type of situation again. But the world is pretty neutral about your desires. You will have to make that happen for yourself...and you will have to take your time and be patient. Men do not go for women who press them too much.

[Tony T]

You have not posted your request in the proper place. Go back to the message index, go to the top, and click on "Post a New Message." You have posted this in the reply area for someone elses post.

 

Please do not ask for me specifically. There are many excellent people who come to this forum.

 

Thank you.

[Pam]

Thank you Tony. That was really helpful advice. You probably don't remember me, but i've written several times this past year. You've always helped. I haven't pushed him or let him know I think the times he spends isn't enough. I've been thinking these things to myself. I am thinking of dating others, but i think he wouldn't date me anymore if he found out. Opinions on that? Thanks again, Pam

YOU WRITE: "I'm afraid to get commited, fall in love and be hurt." Well, maybe you ought to live alone. There can be no love where there is fear. There are no guarantees. Give this some thought. QUOTING YOU: "I'm 40 and I don't want to waste time on someone that wants to date for fun." Hey, dating is ONLY for fun. You've only known this guy eight weeks...that's a very short time. And if you're just out of a 20 year relationship, why are you dating only him? Dating is a fun experience that sometimes leads to more and sometimes does not. Either way, it's OK. If you let your age and impatience cloud your judgement and make you impulsive, you're in for big trouble. QUOTING YOU: "He calls me every day, sees me one time during the week and we date on Saturday nights. To me, this isn't enough. Being married 20 years, I am used to more of a companion. Is this a reasonable time to spend when first dating?" He's probably thinking if you are making these kinds of demands on him after only eight weeks, Lord knows what you would be like if he married you. Demands place a terrible burden on other people. Humans want to feel free and experience that birthright, even if they are in a relationship. They want relationships to flow freely. If you don't like the way this is flowing, get out of it. But please don't place demands on a fellow human. It will surely cause him to move away. Frankly, there are millions of women who would absolutely die to have a guy who called them every day, saw them once during the week and on weekends. The dependability itself is worth a thousand points in this day and age. Ask any lady here. There are a lot of jerks that hardly ever call them. If this guy calls you and sees you with this frequency after eight weeks, you've got a gem. FINAL QUESTIONS: "When do you know when to leave? When and how will I know what his true intentions are?" It's scary how you are wondering when to leave before the relationship has gotten a chance to even take off. However, you have to go with your own feelings. You leave when you just don't feel right about a situation. You leave when you feel in your heart you've given things enough time and you still don't feel special to that person. At your age, you are probably looking at things from a more practical standpoint. You would want to leave when you see that his intentions aren't the same as yours. His remarks about marriage may be an indication. But you have to talk to him, you have to probe his mind...to see what his real feelings are. Although not necessarily true, I would think it's a good indication he has some sort of issues if at his age he hasn't been married. Usually if not married by 35 or so, we are talking either confirmed bachelor or someone with problems. This can change...but when is anybody's guess. But there are times when a man of that age just hasn't met the right person.

 

You'll know what his intentions are after you have gotten time to know him, you have listened to what he has to say and had discussions about this. However, if you dwell on relationship issues with him often, this will drive him away. Lighten up a bit for a while and enjoy yourself. I hope you will cool your jets. I know you are used to companionship and you miss that. You were married for 20 years and you want that type of situation again. But the world is pretty neutral about your desires. You will have to make that happen for yourself...and you will have to take your time and be patient. Men do not go for women who press them too much.

[Rachel]

You have the right to know. Just plain and simple, ask him.