idk if this is emotional abuse what do i do

[lookingglass88]

My ex and I always had a difficult relationship...from the beginning he was very uncomfortable with my past/past guys i had dated or seen casually. In the beginning we would get in fights about it and nothing would really happen...he was constantly talking about how much my past was "hurting" him and I would try to sympathize but I didn't really know what to do/felt guilty but also felt like I hadn't done anything wrong. He wanted me to stop talking to these ppl (who i didn't really talk to anyway), remove them from Facebook, delete contacts on phone, etc. At first I said no, that's not fair, you should trust me, as I wasn't doing anything, but eventually he put on so much pressure saying I must not really care/not really love him that I complied with everything he asked me. We would get in huge fights like this all the time and I admit I would get angry/nasty sometimes because I really felt targeted...I would often get defensive and lash out... we always made up, otherwise we were an extremely affectionate couple, kind towards each other and supportive etc but something felt *off* to me since I felt I had been bullied into following his rules...he would always get really angry/upset at me if I was at a party without him or anything, and we went to high school together so it wasn't as if I was with strangers literally just our mutual friends from high school but he still wasn't okay with it.

 

We had been together about 11 months when we went long distance to college and I was overwhelmed by his jealousy/paranoia within the first week. I did the most idiotic thing and decided what I needed was a break from him for about a week after which I cheated which I KNOW is wrong and awful and a form of abuse in and of itself. I really thought I wanted out of the relationship and broke up with him, thinking from his response/knowing him (he was VERY angry and cruel but still wanted to work things out) he probably wouldn't get over it, this wouldn't be a thing we could get past. I initiated 3 weeks of NC because i was emotionally overwhelmed/angry at myself and couldn't stand to talk to him, also cut once which I have NEVER done or thought about doing before then because I was so overwhelmed I could not deal with myself or him.

 

A few weeks later I missed him horribly and really wanted to fix things between us. At this point I looked at my own behavior in the relationship and was pretty much ashamed, not just w/ the cheating but also w/ the way I could get angry at him and how mean I was sometimes when I was upset. I vowed to myself to change/commit to positivity and kindness when talking to him and started going to therapy.

 

At this point it's been four months since we broke up, 3 since I started trying to win him back. When I came back to him he was very angry and upset, understandably, and basically said it would take a lot to win his trust back. At this point I feel like the process of reparation has turned into emotional abuse on his end. He has told me I need to no longer drink, go out, or have a Facebook, all of which I agreed to do. He also has said that I need to transfer colleges in order to be with him, I go to a very good college I worked very hard to get into...I wouldn't even be considering transferring if he hadn't focused on the fact that I wasn't having fun (because I've been going through a breakup my entire first semester) and has told me I don't deserve to go there because it's for spoiled selfish kids (like me apparently) and my parents went there, so I obviously didn't get in on my own merit, which I found extremely offensive and told him about it...he's since took it back

 

He calls me all sorts of names and is sarcastic and mean to me on a regular basis, has threatened me (along the lines of 'if you break any of these promises I will break you emotionally) has compared me to other girls ('other girls are nicer than you etc, more loyal') compared me to his brother's girlfriend who is 'more loyal' than me, called me stupid, arrogant, selfish, a bitch, an idiot, mean...and abusive. i've been nothing but nice and understanding and forgiving to him since i came back. he was never like this before, he upset me before but he usually didn't mean to and now he definitely does.

 

I feel like if he wanted to be with me he would have done so by now but he keeps insisting I have to win trust back, I can't give up, and if I get close to suggesting this is too much he says I'm giving up because I'm selfish, etc. I've said things about wanting to be able to go out (because i'm not comfortable being restricted like that) and he basically makes fun of me, saying i must miss my 'wild lifestyle' and that going out is more important to me than him...so i always end up staying..last night he was talking about whether he should tell me or not if he hooks up with a new girl and i said he should and he said he wouldn't because he wanted to protect me...everytime he talks about other girls its literally just to make me upset and i'm not even allowed to approach the subject of other guys because he's single and i'm...attached to him, i guess, until he takes me back

 

i've seen him about six times since we've broken up and we have not stopped hooking up/having sex. when we spend time together he's really nice and everything is lovely but when we're apart again he quickly turns mean. he wants me to visit him at his college next week since i'm still on break, but i don't know if i want to. i'm actually scared of him at this pt. i know i can't transfer colleges for him, it's too much, and i've told him it's too much to ask for, i keep telling him it can't be a deal breaker but idk if he even listens, i don't think he wants to make anything make or break because he's comfortable keeping me around so i don't move on

 

honestly don't know what to do, all of my friends/family have told me to move on past this, his entire family hates me and wants him to move on as well...i thought this person was *the one* and we were going to work through jealousy/trust issues together it seems impossible now but i still have this hope..doesn't make it easier that his brother did the same jealousy/meanness thing with his gf and they managed to work through it and are still together...impossible to get away from their relationship on social media i always felt competitive w/ her and the feeling that i wasn't as good as her just sucks...i just wanna fix this and b good enough

 

help

[venusishername]

Absolutely it is.

Tell yourself and believe that you have nothing to prove to anyone, especially this jerk. You can spend the next five years of your life or more trying to fix a broken relationship or just leave him in the dust where he belongs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Any name calling or comparison to me is a clear sign of emotional abuse. My ex did the same and he still tried to control and manipulate me even years after I broke up with him.

I know how it feels to want to work things out, because you feel he's the "one", but believe me, once you get into the swing of things in college, you'll meet some great guys there. I did, which is when I ended things with my ex, when I went back to school and saw what else was out there for me.... which was so much better you have no idea! Even being alone was better than being with someone so cruel and manipulative and controlling.

 

 

I understand how hard it is to break it off when the makeup sex is so amazing, or when the passion and pain of your relationship is highs and lows. I've been there. It doesn't end well.

Use your distance now that you go to different schools to cut him out of your life. As for FB, I suggest not only de-friending him, but blocking him, although my ex creeped on me for years after... Be prepared for a backlash, but you will come out stronger the longer you have NC. I promise. Don't let someone like that get to you, and remember you have nothing to prove to anyone.

[GemmaUK]

That's controlling, manipulative passive aggressive and verbally abusive.

 

I would go NC forever.

 

He has no right to try to alienate you from your own life.

[Downtown]

If this is emotional abuse what do i do?

What you should do, LookingGlass, is to respond to the four posters trying to help you in your first thread (12/4). Then you could respond to the two members posting in your second thread (12/9). And it would be courteous to respond to the two posters trying to help you above. You've not even said "thank you" to one person in the three threads you've started.

[lookingglass88]

Point well taken, Downtown. Thank you to everyone who has responded and given me advice regarding my issue, and #1 shout-out/thanks to Downtown, who has pointed out probably my biggest problem here, which is that I need to stop asking for advice and then running away from it. I need to actually listen. I feel *stuck* but I'm not really stuck. Just being stubborn and holding onto hope.

 

Thanks to all you guys on LS who have been extremely helpful to me, and to others. I had no idea this place existed before my break-up and I'm really happy it does. Reading this forum every day has been a constant reminder to me that

1.) I am not alone

and 2.) It gets better

 

Thanks again. I wish you all happiness

[spiderowl]

It all sounds very toxic to me. He shouldn't be being mean to you. You cheated at one point because at some level you wanted a break from him. What did you want a break from - his bullying and intimidating behaviour? It just sounds to me like you are afraid of ending this rather than that you really want this unpleasant guy back. He is controlling you and you are allowing him to. Whatever this started out as originally, it's gone wrong and he is going to punish you constantly so what's the point in trying to make it work?

 

Can you resolve to find a guy who treats you well and doesn't punish you and control you or do you need this as some level? It would seem fairly obvious to people hearing your story that you are hurting and feeling bullied, yet you seem to feel you should struggle on with this. You don't have to.