Long Distance, Age Difference, Vast Educational Difference....Help Please!!

[Dion]

Hello. Over the summer I travelled to Germany twice. The first time I was there for 3 weeks. During the first week I met a girl at the local "YMCA" type place. We just talked and played basketball. I was nineteen and she was turning 16. I didn't know her age at the time. I was intrigued by her but she dissapeared until the last few days I was there. We hung out and she ended up making the first move and kissing me. With only a few days left, I felt discouraged because there was not sufficient time to establish a relationship. The night before I left we said our final goodbyes and walked away from each other.

 

I was torn apart by this ending because deep in my heart it was not what I wanted. It was a very miserable flight back to the East Coast. As soon as I got back to the states I emailed her to tell her that I thought ending the possibility for a relationship was a big mistake. After my first email she let me know that she was approached by a long time friend about a relationship. She said that she really didn't like the guy that much but wanted to atleast give him a chance. She really wanted to remain friends with me.

 

I was really heart broken but I understood that technically we had no relationship. Nevertheless I was determined to have her. I continued to be her friend and mature our relationship in that sense. I was already planning to go back to Germany in a month and a half after I left the first time and stay for another 3 weeks. I decided that I would exploit the faults of her current boyfriend when I returned to Germany and rekindle the flame that had sparked the first time I was there. After all, I was interested in her first.

 

I decided to treat her as I would a girlfriend and a good friend while I was in the United States because I felt that I would be betraying my own feelings if I acted otherwise. This also served to give her a good standard with which to measure the actions of her current boyfriend. Anyway I ended up becoming very good friends with her and when I got back to Germany, I hung out with her practically every day. Her relationship with her boyfriend wasn't going very well by no fault of mine but I do feel party responsible for the break up that occured while I was there. Atleast indirectly.

 

We made out a few times but never in public. Neither of us were very open to public displays of affection and she got a lot of resistance from her friends for pursuing a relationship with me. I played ignorant around her friends becuase i could and remained friends with all sides so as not to cause any rifts that could sway her decision one way or another. When I left, we were still not in a concrete relationship but the terms were much more agreable than the first time. My heart was light and I felt good about things.

 

This is getting long.....please bear with me.

So her and her sister came to visit me for my 20th birthday and for New Years. Originally we hadn't crossed those first base bounds but with her in the states and a little more time under our belts. I decided I would push the envelope and go for Second base and even play a short stop position if I could. Third and perhaps even home was possible but I was not totally comfortable with that. So our physical relationship escalated in her time here, which was very short (1 week). When she left we decided to try a long distance relationship.

 

For a little background info:

I am now 20 years old ,black male.....graduated from college a year ago and will start grad school soon....she is 16 years old white female and still has 2 or 3 years before she even starts a college.....educationally I am many years ahead of her but intellectually she is very gifted.....Her english is ok and much better than my German, which I learned in the month I was there.....She loves to go clubbing and that makes me uncomfortable at times......she also drinks and used to smoke but quit because I didn't like it.....I am not uncomfortable with the age difference any more. She is also coming to the states for an exchange program for one year next school year.

 

I would like any comments on the possibility of this relationship working.....we both have fallen hard for one another but are still reluctant to use "Love" to describe our feelings.

[jellybean]

There's been several threads here lately concerning age-gap relationships...the consensus is : sure it can work - but it might not if you are both at different stages in your lives.

 

She sounds waaay too young for you, Dion. Then add a LDR into the equation - and well, I dunno....

 

But I do think you are very wise to be questioning the differences now - in advance.

[dyermaker]

I am not uncomfortable with the age difference any more.

I am, and it's more than the age difference.

 

You come off as extremely predatory, and I'm almost always right when it comes to that.

 

Your sentiment is constructed, your determination is detached, and your manipulation tactics aren't heartwarming, they're alarming.

 

You should know better; I hope she's as bright as you say she is, and can come to her senses.

[Pocky]

Sixteen is too young. Just because you click with someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be in a relationship with them. This girl should not be forced to spend hours sitting in her bedroom thinking of a twenty year old man that lives in another country..

[Dione]

Dyermaker, jelly, po.....thanks for all of your expert advice. I am such a fool. I let my feelings of betrayal get the best of me and now I have taken advantage of a nice girl. She never sits at home though and we never dwell on one another in any excessive manner. I was 19 and she was 16, my last girlfriend is now 23. I dunno I guess Im running all over the age spectrum. I had merely thought that perhaps I had fabricated this whole takeover and manipulation scheme as a direct result of the feelings of betrayal and never acted on it. So it seems the consensus is that I should stop trying to have a relationship with this girl because my motives are bad. There were alot of things learned from my last relationship...like how not to be to jealous or possesive and also not to take a lot of crap...so I figured that I got this one right. I've also been attracted to personality first and foremost almost regardless of age (I have limits people), so I believed that I had found a suitable interest. Perhaps I have been mistaken. I would like to thank all of the commentors to my post and welcome any replies to this one.

[Proto]

Um...maybe it's just me but I really don't understand what the big problem is here. There is a 4 year age gap...that's it. it's not like the guy is freakin 26 and she's 16, know what I mean?

 

Personally when I was 20 I was only dating girls that were 18 or older, but that's ONLY because that was my own personal preference. If I knew another 20 year old dating a 16 year old then I really wouldn't think it's all that terrible..so long as her parents are cool with the situation and she has space to still have fun being a high school teenager.

[RecordProducer]

I got the impression that she's not very serious about relationships either because of her age or personality. She kinda doesn't show enough interest in you. She easily got in and out of the relationship with her ex after (and before) you. She even said she didn't like the guy very much. She is emotionally unstable and you don't know where you are standing with her. The least you can do is talk to her openly about the two of you, express your feelings to her, and ask her what she wants and how she feels about you. She may say one thing and mean another so you can find out in an indirect way (just read between the lines) whether she thinks of you all the time, fantasizes about being with you, pay attention to whether she talks about seeing you again, etc. She seems like water that slips away from your hands. She's hard to catch and hard to keep.

Talk to her!