Are girls worth dating if their parents are divorced

[Zelias]

I was just curious on what people's thoughts are on this. I do not know if it makes an impact on a relationship, or even marriage down the road?

 

I personally do not know what to tell you if you would of asked me.

[newmoon]

it's always nice to find someone who comes from a family where the parents have been together like 30+ years or whatever, but you're going to have a hard time finding that to be the norm these days. a majority of men and women come from broken homes or single-family homes, so are people raised by single parents not worth dating either? divorce in the family can actually make your partner stronger; depending upon their age and maturity they could see the mistakes their parents made and not want to repeat them.

[mammasita]

Are dogs worth adopting if their parents are strays? Is a house worth living in if it's not brand new? Wtf.

 

Does it matter? Think about what you just asked.

[MixedUpChick]

I don't think whether or not someone's parent's were divorced or married several years are really valid in determining whether or not someone is dateable.

 

My mom divorced when I was little & remarried when I was under 5. Does this make me undateable? She's also been married to her 2nd husband for over 30 years now, but they have an almost platonic relationship. What if her current husband had been her first & she had never been divorced? Is it better to be in a loveless marriage forever or to end your marriage & try again to find happiness?

 

Lots of questions but it seems pointless to use this as a decision point for dating someone.

[pickflicker]

Is this a serious question? Now people with divorced parents are being rejected? Ridiculous.

[OpheliaSong]

Making assumptions about something that innocuous is futile.

[ChessPieceFace]

I'd say it counts as 2 1/2 strikes out of 3.

[nescafe1982]

Consider how much worse it could be if you date someone whose parents are in a desperately unhappy marriage. Is it really fair to judge someone negatively because their parents are divorced?

 

My parents should have divorced years ago. That they didn't divorce has probably given me more baggage than if they had (my dad was/is abusive). My boyfriends parents did split, and he's one of the most well-adjusted, normal people I know.

 

In the end, our upbringings did impact us. But it's impossible to discern how just by asking "so are your parents divorced or still together?" It's always more complex than that.

[irc333]

lulwut?

 

people are different.

 

Parents' actions don't have to impact on children's.

 

Meh, not necessarily, some figure that if the parents are divorced that the woman/man you date...may drop those "walking papers" without thinking twice one day.

[Mrlonelyone]

My personal opinion and advice is that the you need to just take a chance on love. Dating someone is always a risk. Marrying someone is always a risk. There is no way to avoid heartbreak even if they don't leave you. The second US president John Adams was married to his wife for 50 years. When she died he was devastated. There is no avoiding heartbreak in life so just go for it.

 

 

That said, children of divorced parents may be a bigger risk than average.

 

 

Four hard truths I?ve learned about divorce - The Globe and Mail

 

 

Research backs this up. Anne-Marie Ambert, a professor of sociology at York University has spent the past decade researching the effects of divorce on children. She found that unless there are “extremely high levels of conflict or physical abuse,” most children are far better off if parents stay together. Even when both households are economically secure, the children of divorce are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety and become substance abusers. They are less likely to go to university and more likely to be promiscuous. But perhaps most significantly, the children of divorce are far, far more likely to get divorced themselves. And this sucks for their children in turn.

 

The globe and mail article refers to the research done at this institution.

 

- Vanier Institute of the Family

 

The interesting thing I see there is that the age of divorce is on average early 40's in Canada. If the US is similar then most people are getting married at early 30's and divorced by early 40's. :smh: So much for unto death.

 

So OP, don't worry about divorce. Either don't get married or accept it as part of the landscape. A natural hazard like thunderstorms or predators.

[BikerAccnt]

I am ceaselessly amazed at some of the questions posited here.

[soccerrprp]

Are they worth dating? Of course! It has little or no bearing to me. There are all kinds of reasons why parents divorce and often times, the parents' relationship with their children remain healthy regardless. Depends on the circumstances of the divorce, but I do not care if her parents divorced. I care who and what she is like today and how healthy she is.

[polynomial]

Would it be better if their parents weren't divorced but in an unhealthy relationship for decades for the sake of their child?

 

I can kind of see where this question is coming from because parents' divorce CAN have an affect on a child and how she/he sees marriage and love in general. However, everybody is different, everybody's situation is different. It would be silly to rule out everybody who's parents aren't together.

[f1asr88]

If the girl's father is wayward and doesn't bother at all with her after the divorce, I can see how that might affect a girl's self-esteem and choices when it comes to relationships.

 

My ex-girlfriend of three years... well her dad left when she was ten, her sister thirteen. Her dad always provided financially, but never really bothered to visit, spending all his time with his new family instead, even though he only lives an hour away.

My ex's sister left home (from an affluent area, dropping out of a great school) at 15, had a string of terrible abusive boyfriends, including drug dealers etc, and became a teenage mum, a great one, but she still has problems with self worth, numerous unsuitable boyfriends etc..

My ex-girlfriend, well we had a perfect three year relationship together, never argued, always had fun, travelled the world etc. During it she would say things such as "I don't deserve you", "You're too good for me", 'I'm worried that you'll find someone you like better." Obviously I reassured her whenever she said something like that.

She would always say (unprovoked) that she wanted to get married, and have my kids, and I'd promise her we would.

But then she met someone at work, who was "a bit of a bastard" who she "had more in common with." He was a single (weekend) dad, with a fairly dysfunctional relationship history, and with whom she argues a lot. Her family don't think much of him at all.

Maybe her dumping me was typical 'young woman wanting a bad boy' or she just got bored of me because I wasn't actually that great at all? Perhaps to some extent her self worth issues got the better of her and it just feels more natural for her to be in a relationship where she is treated badly by a twerp, like how her Dad treats her.

I'll never know.

 

Despite my experience however, I don't think a parents' divorce would stop me from dating a girl I really liked.

[Debanked]

I am ceaselessly amazed at some of the questions posited here.

 

 

There is a certain entertainment value to the silliness of it all.

[ThatMan]

Are dogs worth adopting if their parents are strays? Is a house worth living in if it's not brand new? Wtf.

 

Does it matter? Think about what you just asked.

I'm sorry, but we do not work this way.

Dogs are not humans. Dogs are awesome because they live in the moment and love unconditionally. Try adopting orphans who are severally mentally ill due to their ridiculously nightmarish development. We're talking about serious issues like antisocial personality disorder, the basic ground work of how serial killers are born. How children are raised has profound consequences. Those who come from severally broken homes spend their live protecting themselves by reacting to the world around them, struggle with employment, their relationships, and likely struggle with deeper issues such as BPD to boot.

 

Although this is further off-topic, I think we need to be careful with this sort of reasoning you've posted above. There are going to be moments in which you've met a person who should not be involved in your life. But most sane people do not associate divorce with the very real consequences of childhood abuse and neglect.

[d0nnivain]

If people could no longer date because their parents were divorced, I suspect the human race would become extinct.

 

 

Yes people are worth dating no matter what their parents did. They are not their parents.

[Mrlonelyone]

I'm sorry, but we do not work this way.

Dogs are not humans. Dogs are awesome because they live in the moment and love unconditionally. Try adopting orphans who are severally mentally ill due to their ridiculously nightmarish development. We're talking about serious issues like antisocial personality disorder, the basic ground work of how serial killers are born. How children are raised has profound consequences. Those who come from severally broken homes spend their live protecting themselves by reacting to the world around them, struggle with employment, their relationships, and likely struggle with deeper issues such as BPD to boot.

 

Although this is further off-topic, I think we need to be careful with this sort of reasoning you've posted above. There are going to be moments in which you've met a person who should not be involved in your life. But most sane people do not associate divorce with the very real consequences of childhood abuse and neglect.

 

 

 

I fully understand where you are coming from. The research I posted earlier backs up the fact that divorce hurts children. It's not just that the parents decide not to live together. It is that the parents likely try to destroy eachother, and use the children as a tool to do this. Furthermore it shows these kids that a relationship that is supposed to be for life - can be thrown away easily.

 

 

Lets face it most divorces in this day and age aren't because of one spouse abusing the other or one spouse having very great mental problems... it is because the marriage became inconvenient. Mommy decided to leave the family so that she can bang the personal trainer with nice abs. Daddy left mommy and the kids holding the bag so he could live it up with his hot young secretary. Then to get back at the one that left, they trash them.

 

 

What lessons does that teach a kid?

 

Even with all of that, no body is perfect. We all have had an imperfect upbringing because we had human and therefore imperfect parents. So we all will have some issues. Some of us are just more likely to let those issues rule us. Rather than mindfully understanding what they are we just hold on to the feelings and the fairytales and suffer for doing so.

[ThatMan]

There are many adult children of divorced parents who are perfectly content with their lives. Not every divorce leads to abuse, manipulation, or placing the child in the middle.

[andreap]

There is an old saying that goes like this "If you want to know how your girlfriend will look like in 30 years, just look at her mother." I am not telling you to go out there and reject every single person that comes from a broken home. I am just telling you that you should keep an eye on how she acts and how her mother acts. Like it or not, children, conciously and unconciusly pick up traits of their parents.

[Elias33]

By that reasoning, you just cut your dating pool in half. Good for you

[Shepp]

Of course!! You shouldn't punish people for there parents mistakes!!

[Quiet Storm]

We arent born with relationship skills and coping skills. They are modeled for us by our parents.

 

I think your upbringing has a huge influence on the person you turn out to be, even if you make a concious effort to NOT be like them. Counseling is often needed to overcome family of origin issues.

 

If parents can handle the divorce in a mature and balanced way, if they still make the kids a top priority, if the father remains a very active in the kids lives, if moms boyfriends have proper boundaries, if the parents model healthy coping skills... then I think they have a much better foundation than a child who feels neglected by a dad thats never around, has more risk of sexual abuse because dads presence is nonexistent (a fathers presence is a huge deterrent for non familial pedophiles), who doesn't witness healthy conflict resolution, whose parents drag them around on their quest for "happiness", whos parent's coping skill is to escape.

 

However, there are dysfunctional intact families that are unhealthy, as well.

 

I don't think if you choose not to date people affected by divorce, that its "punishing" them for their parents mistakes, though. If you have dating criteria designed to weed out "higher risk" individuals, that is a valid choice. If someone chooses to only date certain people, that is their right. They will have to face the consequence of having a much smaller dating pool, or missing out on a great person, it's their choice to make. Many people have been seriously affected by trauma or abuse through no fault of their own, but that doesn't mean these people are capable of being a good partner. So I don't think its punishing someome, as who you choose to spend your life with is a serious choice, and could make a huge difference in the path your life will take. If your goal in dating is to find a life partner, this person isn't just someone you have fun with. You have to think...what kind of parent will they be, do they avoid conflict, do they value marriage, can they cope with stress, do they "escape" I'm unhealthy ways, etc.

 

My husband and I are both from intact homes and we've been together almost 23 years. I have noticed that people from divorced homes seem quicker to divorce and assume kids will be unaffected. It seems like some of them always feel like things "just happen" to them and they are not self aware enough to see how their own family of origin issues have contributed to their problems. It's like "my parents divorce didn't affect me" when they are on their second marriage with another bad boy cheater and think they just have bad luck.

 

So I do think divorce can have a negative affect of people, but it is not a given, and if there are issues, they can be overcome.

[Shepp]

I think your upbringing has a huge influence on the person you turn out to be, even if you make a concious effort to NOT be like them.

 

I do agree! I was super lucky with my upbringing, its given me a super positive outlook on relationships

 

 

But discounting someone on that bases is a very hard line, i know lots of people who have come from very broken homes and went on to be great family. I think as well with divorce - it happens for lots of reasons:

mutual divorce is better than cheating - at least their parents took action and rather than doing the dirty

Divorce could be a result of one parents actions, the daughter could be like the other

Divorce could be the result of abuse, in which case good on that parent for being strong enough to walk away and not just stay married taking it.

[Quiet Storm]

I do agree! I was super lucky with my upbringing, its given me a super positive outlook on relationships

 

 

But discounting someone on that bases is a very hard line, i know lots of people who have come from very broken homes and went on to be great family. I think as well with divorce - it happens for lots of reasons:

mutual divorce is better than cheating - at least their parents took action and rather than doing the dirty

Divorce could be a result of one parents actions, the daughter could be like the other

Divorce could be the result of abuse, in which case good on that parent for being strong enough to walk away and not just stay married taking it.

 

 

Of course there are many valid reasons to divorce, but a necessary divorce doesn't negate the effects. It is a "lesser of two evils" scenario that will certainly impact the child.

 

I just think its ok for people to be very selective, or have "a hard line" when they date. If you are dating with the end goal of being married, you SHOULD be picky. Maybe there are so many divorces because people aren't picky enough. It's easy to get caught up being in love and ignore things like compatibility, common values, how a person deals with conflict and stress. So while I don't agree that all children of divorce have issues, there are enough people that have been negatively impacted by it that I understand why it could be considered when choosing a mate.