Why won't Christian men won't date women in their own church?

[irc333]

This is an interesting article

 

Why Won't Christian Men Date Women Who Go To Their Church?

 

Of course, for obvious reasons...the same reason people don't date within the workplace. But I found it interesting, that if you have dated one of the single women in the church and for some reason it doesn't work out and you move on to the NEXT single woman in the SAME church, it might be considered in poor form and even a turn off for the women there if you keep going from woman to woman.

[carhill]

Times may have changed but I found it common in the church I was educated in. Over the decades I would see numerous former classmates get married (back when there were marriage announcements in the newspaper and I read it!). The key denominator was the usual socio-economic compatibility, along with of course the love part. I don't recall going to the same church/parish being an inhibition at all. Again, maybe things have changed. If so, IMO that's a loss. Looking at the 'reasons' they published, it's highly likely that the social culture of churches/POW's (places of worship) generally have changed, if that is accurate. IME, churches can become a second family for those who believe and practice consistently. Familiar. Synergistic. Good relationships can spring from those associations, IMO. I'd be faking if I joined so I don't, but don't discount the positives of the experience. It worked for many of my generation and some life-long marriages resulted. Can't argue with that.

[TheFinalWord]

This is an interesting article

 

Why Won't Christian Men Date Women Who Go To Their Church?

 

Of course, for obvious reasons...the same reason people don't date within the workplace. But I found it interesting, that if you have dated one of the single women in the church and for some reason it doesn't work out and you move on to the NEXT single woman in the SAME church, it might be considered in poor form and even a turn off for the women there if you keep going from woman to woman.

 

I am wondering what the singles pastors are doing in these churches.

 

Going on a date does not have to be a sexual situation. The bible states to treat women as our sisters. Going on a date with a woman does not eliminate every other female in the church. A singles pastor can make this clear and help facilitate "in church" dating. Of course there is always some people that make drama, but so be it. If a grown man and woman are that jealous about the person they are dating having date others in the church, they both have some spiritual maturing to do and aren't ready anyway. Of course, if these dates do not involve fornication that is going to make a big difference. If the church dating couples are just acting like couples in the world, than that is not really Christian dating in any true sense of the word. Whole different ball game.

 

Dating - Mark Driscoll - YouTube

[KathyM]

My nephew married a woman that attends his church. He met her there and married her. I actually know several young couples that met each other in the church they attend. Some got married. Some are exclusively dating each other.

[soccerrprp]

To the original question.....

 

They don't want to be seen as the hypocrites/adulterers/fornicators they are in their own churches. People prize their image and standing and if a relationship with someone in the church doesn't work, that's all in jeopardy.

[irc333]

I've known of women to date outside their churches or even resort to online dating. But with some women, they found most of the men weren't all that....well, they found the men there socially awkward or if the woman wasn't interested...they were rather persistent.

 

Some considered these men a bit creepy.

 

So, they wind up dating a friend of the family, or of course...if they are young singles.....obviously...the college campus.

 

 

 

I am wondering what the singles pastors are doing in these churches.

 

Going on a date does not have to be a sexual situation. The bible states to treat women as our sisters. Going on a date with a woman does not eliminate every other female in the church. A singles pastor can make this clear and help facilitate "in church" dating. Of course there is always some people that make drama, but so be it. If a grown man and woman are that jealous about the person they are dating having date others in the church, they both have some spiritual maturing to do and aren't ready anyway. Of course, if these dates do not involve fornication that is going to make a big difference. If the church dating couples are just acting like couples in the world, than that is not really Christian dating in any true sense of the word. Whole different ball game.

 

Dating - Mark Driscoll - YouTube

[M30USA]

To the original question.....

 

They don't want to be seen as the hypocrites/adulterers/fornicators they are in their own churches. People prize their image and standing and if a relationship with someone in the church doesn't work, that's all in jeopardy.

 

Bingo.

 

"“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence." (Matthew 23:25 ESV)

[irc333]

To the original question.....

 

They don't want to be seen as the hypocrites/adulterers/fornicators they are in their own churches.

 

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this, in their OWN home churches? Please explain.

[pureinheart]

I am wondering what the singles pastors are doing in these churches.

 

Going on a date does not have to be a sexual situation. The bible states to treat women as our sisters. Going on a date with a woman does not eliminate every other female in the church. A singles pastor can make this clear and help facilitate "in church" dating. Of course there is always some people that make drama, but so be it. If a grown man and woman are that jealous about the person they are dating having date others in the church, they both have some spiritual maturing to do and aren't ready anyway. Of course, if these dates do not involve fornication that is going to make a big difference. If the church dating couples are just acting like couples in the world, than that is not really Christian dating in any true sense of the word. Whole different ball game.

 

Dating - Mark Driscoll - YouTube

 

(((((((((hugs)))))))))) Hey Brotha, missed you!

[pureinheart]

If I may just put this out there, and am only speaking of my state/area. I've avoided churches in the past due to them feeling like meat markets. I've seen a lot of jealousy leading to church splits.

 

I believe God can use any place to bring two people together ….

[irc333]

If I may just put this out there, and am only speaking of my state/area. I've avoided churches in the past due to them feeling like meat markets. I've seen a lot of jealousy leading to church splits.

 

People move on. People come together for a reason, a season or a life time.

[angel.eyes]

Like anything else that focuses on complaints, there's inherent bias in that article. Happy, content people aren't seeking answers and complaining to anyone and everyone. It's often a vocal minority that does. Conduct a random survey of a large group. Then you'll get the silent majority and a more balance view of reality.

 

There's a lot of dating happening in church, even in the most conservative ones! Most people are discreet, because most don't care to be fodder for gossip. When I joined my current church several years back, I was asked out by probably half the single guys in the congregation, and dated a handful, including my ex-boyfriend. Most of my close friends have married guys they met at church (or synagogue, mosque, place of worship). For those at my particular church, I wasn't even aware they were dating until a month or two before they became engaged--even though we all hung out together and were close...and had even prayed together about issues in their relationships! (That's been fairly typical at every church I've attended.)

 

That being said, there are certainly single women who are never asked out in every church I've attended, and they are very vocal about this. You're sympathetic because they're hurting. It's neither helpful nor loving to point out that guys are actively looking and asking others. I don't understand why they aren't asked out. They're physically attractive, fit, in fantastic shape, well-dressed, educated, work in very traditional roles (e.g. teachers, child care workers)...very obviously single. I really don't get why they aren't asked out, or why when they do the asking or couples try to play matchmaker for them, guys aren't interested. One of life's mysteries, but certainly not wholly representative of the typical church experience.

[JamesM]

From my own experiences, I disagree with the premise before even reading the article. I dated in my church. I know of many couples that dated in the church. I know some that married...and have been for decades...within the church.

 

Now having read some of the article, it seems to refer mostly to older people. That makes a difference. I can say that I do agree with many of the reasons though. I don't agree that it is an uncommon event to date within the church.

 

It eliminates people who date within the same church denomination. I dated a number of women who where in the same group of churches with the same beliefs. I married one.

 

BUT...to answer the question as to why I think many don't marry or date people they grew up with in their church is...because they know each other too well.

 

When I grew up, we did alot of activities together. We watched each other grow up. We knew each other like family members. So for those that were geeks and grew out of it....they never did for the rest of us. Yet looking at them from afresh perspective, another person who was "outside" our church would see them differently...as we should have. Just an example.

Edited January 14, 2014 by JamesM

[vanhalenfan]

I met my now courtship partner at Church. However, I certainly do not recommend this because of what I am experiencing right now: We are having issues with the relationship, he is praying and considering us to end this courtship (and I am not on the same page and completely heartbroken). We're still together, but I am wondering what will happen should we end this. Seeing him every Sunday, and not to mention the fact we are VERY involved and intertwined with the Church community..I don't know how I will face it. I will be devastated should he want to break up. For this reason, I will never get involved with another man in my Church. I will meet a Christian man from another Church, and should we end up deciding to marry, only then would we worship regularly together at the same Church. I'd be insistent on that.

[taiko]

I am wondering what the singles pastors are doing in these churches.

 

For the most part in congregational churches there won't be a single pastor. The single will be screened out by the deacons/board of elders. Where a Bishop assigns the pastor a different ethic applies. Yet I still don't see them going with their own sheep when there is a church next door without the potential problems involved.

[irc333]

I wasn't even aware they were dating until a month or two before they became engaged

 

Didn't you find it odd that they kept it a secret up to the point of engagement? I've heard of this stuff happening outside of church though. When someone gets engaged or even married,and you weren't even aware they had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

This one Christian fellow did this with a woman he met on a Mission trip in the Philippines a few years ago. She is a Filipina, but at hte time she was living in the Philippines, but they stayed in touch online. During that time he was dating women here in the states on and off.

 

Then BOOM he winds up engaged..and now married to this overseas woman.

 

We'd kind of tease him that we'd imply that he met her at one of those Phillipina introductory services. LOL Considering there's a big age gap between them.

[irc333]

Funny story,

 

 

There's actually this woman in my church, she comes by herself one one of her kids. Always wondered if she was single. (This was a while ago). Didn't have a ring on her finger. Never approached her in church, because...well....I felt it might come off creepy.

 

Later, I saw her profile on a dating site, I was like "Oh, guess she doesn't have a boyfriend". ( I think she's the ONLY single woman in my church, honestly).

 

She did email me back, but thought our age difference was too great. THough I was in my early 30's at the time, and she was like 36 or 37.

 

Then, didn't see her for a while, may be she goes to different services, didn't time frame, etc. who knows...but I see her occasionally, because she always now sits in the same area as I do.

 

I tried to get an icebreaker going with her, but now that she's seen me on a dating site...I wonder if she's uncomfortable with me attempting to talk to her.

 

One time, I saw her out in public at an art event, tried to chat her up....but the conversation was completely awkward.

 

I was like "Hey there, I see you are enjoying what this show has to offer, how are you?"

 

Her, "Nod, Fine".

 

Didn't have no desire to engage in conversation with me. VERY short with me. I didn't even bother. I found it saddening, with her being a Christian, she should at least ATTEMPT at be engaging or nice. At least FAKE it, LOL (just kidding, ..kinda). Of course, I live in a semi-small community where most "elitists" types attend the local churches. A "fishbowl" community, if you will.

 

I guess that's another reason men don't appraoch women in church, very SMALL amount of AVAILABLE women, as mostly church is reserved for families and married couples (at least in my area).

 

And probably for the same reasons in the article....you SEE each other all the time...and if doesn't work out, you're stuck seeing each other still. Kind of a "Don't crap where you eat" philosophy.

 

Kind of like how it's "forbidden" to date co-workers, the same thing applies in church I suppose?

[Els]

My observation has been twofold:

 

Firstly that the youth in churches tend to grow up together, and thus see each other as siblings rather than potential mates. A few Rs can develop out of this, but most don't.

 

Secondly that it is actually pretty common for Christians to have sex before marriage, even if it is officially condemned. Many carry two personas - one in church and one outside. The one outside will be the one dating, engaging in sexual intimacy, etc, and it is too risky to merge it with the one inside, lest their reputation in church (especially if they are an established leader) be tainted.

[JamesM]

Firstly that the youth in churches tend to grow up together, and thus see each other as siblings rather than potential mates. A few Rs can develop out of this, but most don't.

 

 

THAT was what I was trying to say. I almost said when we grew up that we were like brothers and sisters, but that sounded weird. Yet there is truth to it. Couples did date, but most of us wanted someone "new" and not part of the family.

[carhill]

Perhaps communities are different now; in my youth, the community was like a church and the church was like the community. Everyone knew everyone. I had 20 mothers and fathers (the community parents). Boys and girls played together and, when adolescence occurred, they started seeing their playmates and potential date-mates and the community gossip was 'hey John's dating Jane now'. It was normal. Perhaps now community and religion trend more towards compartmentalization, where people have 'different' lives and those lives don't touch each other, supporting not dating a person in one's church.

 

Back in the day, people dated, married, mated, had children, got divorced, got marriages annulled in the church, got remarried, baptized grandchildren, etc. and died, all in the same church and community. I guess times have indeed changed. I did my part, outlier to my social group, by eschewing church and pursuing a path of personal spiritual reflection. Others did what they did. If I happen to meet a churchgoer in my new location, it'll work out good for her since I'll never be going to her church, or any church. No problem.

[irc333]

Good points, most times people dated who ever they met when they went off to college after they turned 18, of course they didn't stick around the community.

 

Though, in my area people tended to "attempt" to stick with their boyfriend going off to college while they were a hostess at a local chain restaurant or waitress, I'd attempt to try to snag them away...lol..but they'd prefer to "stick it out" visiting their boyfriends on the weekends.

 

I mean there are actual "Singles" groups in CERTAIN churches, and you'd really have to seek them out individually or hear through word of mouth what churches do provide opportunities for singles to mix and mingle.

 

 

 

Perhaps communities are different now; in my youth, the community was like a church and the church was like the community. Everyone knew everyone. I had 20 mothers and fathers (the community parents). Boys and girls played together and, when adolescence occurred, they started seeing their playmates and potential date-mates and the community gossip was 'hey John's dating Jane now'. It was normal. Perhaps now community and religion trend more towards compartmentalization, where people have 'different' lives and those lives don't touch each other, supporting not dating a person in one's church.

 

Back in the day, people dated, married, mated, had children, got divorced, got marriages annulled in the church, got remarried, baptized grandchildren, etc. and died, all in the same church and community. I guess times have indeed changed. I did my part, outlier to my social group, by eschewing church and pursuing a path of personal spiritual reflection. Others did what they did. If I happen to meet a churchgoer in my new location, it'll work out good for her since I'll never be going to her church, or any church. No problem.

[soccerrprp]

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this, in their OWN home churches? Please explain.

 

It's like the advice that you shouldn't date someone from your work. If it doesn't work out, it can be pretty messy. In churches, people have an image they are trying to portray, that of someone who is moral, decent, ethically responsible, godly....imagine all that being put into serious question if you, as a member of a church, is not embroiled in a break up with someone else in the church. You'd be worried that people would find out that you had sex out of wed-lock, was abusive, turned out not to be such a godly person after-all...

 

Not pretty.

[irc333]

You'd be worried that people would find out that you had sex out of wed-lock, was abusive, turned out not to be such a godly person after-all...

 

Not pretty.

 

And how would the people of the congregation even KNOW if there was abuse, sex out of wed-lock, etc?

[JamesM]

It's like the advice that you shouldn't date someone from your work. If it doesn't work out, it can be pretty messy. In churches, people have an image they are trying to portray, that of someone who is moral, decent, ethically responsible, godly....imagine all that being put into serious question if you, as a member of a church, is not embroiled in a break up with someone else in the church. You'd be worried that people would find out that you had sex out of wed-lock, was abusive, turned out not to be such a godly person after-all...

 

Not pretty.

 

Actually, we do know when this happens to us. We do know when someone cheats on another and yes, sometimes it is between members. We do know when someone has a child out of wedlock. We do know when someone drinks too much.

 

All of the time? Or course not. Sometimes? yes.

 

How we handle each other's sins shows who we are. A Christian is never made perfect, but a Christian should be forgiving.

 

Dating within the church is no more revealing of personalities than dating with others outside of the church.

[soccerrprp]

Actually, we do know when this happens to us. We do know when someone cheats on another and yes, sometimes it is between members. We do know when someone has a child out of wedlock. We do know when someone drinks too much.

 

All of the time? Or course not. Sometimes? yes.

 

How we handle each other's sins shows who we are. A Christian is never made perfect, but a Christian should be forgiving.

 

Dating within the church is no more revealing of personalities than dating with others outside of the church.

 

Okay? So, not certain what your point is. I made no claim that it was dramatically different from dating outside the church. What I was saying, per answering the question, is that members don't want the drama of the after-math. I compared it to dating someone from one's place of work.

 

Yes, Christians should be forgiving, but it doesn't stop any of them from being judgmental, critical and self-righteous. Common characteristics of non-believers AND believers alike.

 

There's also this idea, from the OP's original post, that there is something particular about the dating dynamic among church members. I am offering my opinion as to why that could be.

Edited January 16, 2014 by soccerrprp