Why won't Christian men won't date women in their own church?

[todreaminblue]

i think you shouldnt go into any relationship thinking what if it doesnt work.....you shoudl go in whol eheartedly with affection for the person you supposedly want to date i think beign friends first helps...i dont think being part of the same group or lifestyle should come into it...be it religion.....or work.....i think it should eb taken slowly though.....and being of similar faith and the same church should be a bonus commanility not a hindrance......if it doesnt work then you part amiably with mutual respect, compassion and understanding that is the christian way isnt it....you wish them well and hope they find happiness with whoever is right for them not petty behavior.....no one owns another person ....or who they decide to be with..deb

[angel.eyes]

There are huge positives to dating someone in your own church. A few have alluded to this fear that "they could find out about the 'real' me."

 

Being with my ex was so easy in so many ways because I did get to see the real him very early on. We belong to the same church. I learned how important his faith was to him. I saw first-hand the way it impacted critical life decisions for him. His words matched his actions, current AND past. I knew exactly where he stood on tough doctrinal issues, since we were in the same small group. He'd been an active, involved member since he was 18, so I also learned a lot about him as a person from others...both in and outside our church. (I was a newcomer at the time.) We were completely aligned. Very different experience from my current boyfriend, who I met online.

 

If someone doesn't want to date within the church because the "truth" might come out, so be it. That's a blessing all around. He's not a promising candidate for the type of partner described in Ephesians 5:25-33. Dating is about seeking compatibility. That person's values are incompatible with mine, making him a poor choice for me.

 

God knows what's in your heart anyway, and everything that you do, even in "secret" (Luke 12:2-3, 16:15). You can't hide the "real" you. Christ instructs against putting on a facade and condemns those who do (Matthew 23:5, 25-28). God, not impressing other members of the congregation with false piety, is the focus.

 

So, I'm the same person in my choices, whether you meet me in church, at work, or at happy hour...whether I'm alone with my boyfriend in his bedroom or sitting in front of my pastor. I want a partner whose choices mirror that. My choices, the way I treat others, and my actions are congruent with my values and priorities. If Jesus were to suddenly appear next to me in the flesh on a Friday night, there is nothing that I would do differently...okay, maybe I wouldn't think nasty thoughts about the guy who cuts me off in traffic. We're all human after all. We try our best.

 

If your faith is important to you, church provides a pool of potential partners enriched for those who have similar values, priorities, and beliefs. It doesn't make sense to ignore one of your best sources.

Edited January 16, 2014 by angel.eyes

[angel.eyes]

Perfectly put! I couldn't have said it better myself, Deb!

 

i think you shouldnt go into any relationship thinking what if it doesnt work.....you shoudl go in whol eheartedly with affection for the person you supposedly want to date i think beign friends first helps...i dont think being part of the same group or lifestyle should come into it...be it religion.....or work.....i think it should eb taken slowly though.....and being of similar faith and the same church should be a bonus commanility not a hindrance......if it doesnt work then you part amiably with mutual respect, compassion and understanding that is the christian way isnt it....you wish them well and hope they find happiness with whoever is right for them not petty behavior.....no one owns another person ....or who they decide to be with..deb

[TheFinalWord]

For the most part in congregational churches there won't be a single pastor. The single will be screened out by the deacons/board of elders. Where a Bishop assigns the pastor a different ethic applies. Yet I still don't see them going with their own sheep when there is a church next door without the potential problems involved.

 

Sorry if I did not make that clear, not a "single" pastor, i.e. not married, but a SINGLES pastor. Most churches (everyone I have been too) have singles groups and a pastor that is in charge of that ministry. Usually they are an assistant pastor.

[irc333]

Funny you mention this, just recently I found out a man who was in a Meetup group, used to host a lot of Meetup events at his place. Turns out there was some falling out because he was sleeping around with more than one woman in the group. So they were mad at his "Tom Catting" and he in turned retaliated with, "Okay, then I won't host anymore Meetups at my place"

 

It's kind of a shame, because he had a very good venue and acreage. 4

 

Now he's just does the online dating thing. But this is probably analogous to church groups.

 

Simply KNOWING what people wind up finding about makes it unappealing to others to date within the same social circles.

 

But yeah, going into a relationship with the attitude of "IF it doesn't work out, we will be seeing each other all the time". is quite faulty.

 

 

Okay? So, not certain what your point is. I made no claim that it was dramatically different from dating outside the church. What I was saying, per answering the question, is that members don't want the drama of the after-math. I compared it to dating someone from one's place of work.

 

Yes, Christians should be forgiving, but it doesn't stop any of them from being judgmental, critical and self-righteous. Common characteristics of non-believers AND believers alike.

 

There's also this idea, from the OP's original post, that there is something particular about the dating dynamic among church members. I am offering my opinion as to why that could be.

[angel.eyes]

Funny you mention this, just recently I found out a man who was in a Meetup group, used to host a lot of Meetup events at his place. Turns out there was some falling out because he was sleeping around with more than one woman in the group. So they were mad at his "Tom Catting"

I suspect their anger had little to do with being in the same social circle and everything to do with expectations. My guess is they each thought they were dating him and in a relationship while he was simply looking for an easy lay with as many women as often as possible. Most people who find themselves in that scenario would feel bamboozled and would be understandably upset. Whether the third party was someone they knew or a complete stranger is largely irrelevant.

 

Hugh Hefner doesn't hide the "real" him. He wants a harem. I suspect this guy wasn't upfront about his true intentions for hosting events at his house. Hence the drama. It's the probable deceit and perceived cheating, not the common social circle, that was the issue.

 

But this is probably analogous to church groups.

No it's not! Singles groups in church are not hookup joints for lots of casual sex. If that's what you seek, there are better venues for those types of opportunities (bars, Craigslist, etc.)

 

But yeah, going into a relationship with the attitude of "IF it doesn't work out, we will be seeing each other all the time". is quite faulty.

I disagree. I see exes at church and in professional settings every week. In the past, we were in classes together, on the same coed sports teams, etc. No drama and for the most part, no awkwardness.

[pureinheart]

My observation has been twofold:

 

Firstly that the youth in churches tend to grow up together, and thus see each other as siblings rather than potential mates. A few Rs can develop out of this, but most don't.

 

Secondly that it is actually pretty common for Christians to have sex before marriage, even if it is officially condemned. Many carry two personas - one in church and one outside. The one outside will be the one dating, engaging in sexual intimacy, etc, and it is too risky to merge it with the one inside, lest their reputation in church (especially if they are an established leader) be tainted.

 

Your post is intriguing to me due to the truth in it. Also I felt conviction at the same time. Being one who was guilty from just about everything you can think of, one of the convictions was going to church specifically for a mate and not focusing purely upon my Creator. This only happened a handful of times due to not liking my motives.

 

Concerning the churches, I'm not sure what the answer is as far as promoting people being real. I think people fear that they will not be received if those in the church knew who they really were. Some overcompensate possibly for penance sake, or to hide their true nature.

 

As an example I've seen those addicted to porn come off as Johnny Q Public and very critical of sexual issues. I've been around these types enough to know if someone has a serious addiction and is hiding behind "righteousness".

 

A bunch of management/employees got busted at work for accessing porn on company time- they were warned several times, but ignored the warnings. One manager really surprised me (he was deemed the worst offender), another didn't because he was a known perv.