Online relationship

[Take A Leap]

Hey,

 

 

I'm a 17 year old guy, dating a 22 year old girl. I'm Canadian, she's Australian. We met on a game, neither of us were looking for "love" but we ended up liking one another... This was about 3 months ago. We've been dating for about 1-2 now. I am booked to visit her late feb/early march.

 

This meeting, for her, is extremely significant. She's told me she's someone who needs to "feel" the love when with another person... get those "sparks' kind of thing. We already do in vid/voice chat but we're worried it might be different in person.

 

So this is where I have my questions. After march break, when I've visited for 3 weeks, we'll decide if we're right for eachother (in person).

 

As well, we had talked about me being less experienced than her on the date scene/not being with as many people. Obviously I can't help that because of my age gap, but she has been telling me that she wants me to "be sure" about this. So, in order for her to get reassurance/me to get reassurance, she has asked me to do an open relationship type of thing when I enter university next year, and that she'll stay loyal but wants me to sleep with at least one person. That way I'll know whether or not she's something I want to keep.

 

 

The thing is, I do want her already. I'm not a virgin and despite the fact that I've had less experience, I'm sure that I want her as it is. She's guarded as she's dated someone online before, and when it all came crashing down the guy hacked her stuff and she was forced to get the police involved. I've tried explaining that I don't want anything but her.. That I love and care for her, because I do. But she's guarded, and wants to be sure of things before it finishes. Thankfully, my family is supportive to the point of letting me go and is capable of paying for me. My gf has decided that if we move in together, it should be after I've had some time with girls at uni. I don't think I need that "allowance to be with other girls", even if its for a short time. I'm committed to this relationship and am hoping to see it succeed.

 

Btw, she IS willing to move here once she's sure that I'm sure. She has a stable family job there but my parents have a business here and, as long as she's doing SOMETHING, she's happy. We've talked about opening our own some day but that's for the future. We will be visiting eachother every 2 months until we can live together.

 

I guess my main question is, what do you guys think about where we're at, and what do you think about her suggestion that I sleep with another girl at uni to be sure?

 

 

Edit: We've talked about it and she promised not to sleep with anyone else. She wants me to sleep with one girl when I go (I leave in 8 or so months) and after that, if I "still decide I love her", she'll move. I wish I could show her that I'm sure already, but she questions it because of my age etc :/

Edited January 11, 2014 by Take A Leap
More detail

[justwhoiam]

Disclaimer: First of all, I guess I'm not the average person and I'm not American nor Australian; I will just express my opinions regarding your situation.

 

We've been dating for about 1-2 now.

Now, if we consider dating as "an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest", you are not dating any girl. You are talking to a girl online, where you both are interested in one another in a romantic way. But no dates yet. Unless you have virtual dates on cam. Also 1-2 what? Months? You're 17 and going to Australia after just one month from talking to a girl? Wow. You sure must have lots of money in your hands. And you're a bit crazy (that in itself is not bad).

 

she's someone who needs to "feel" the love when with another person... get those "sparks' kind of thing. We already do in vid/voice chat but we're worried it might be different in person.

You go there with all the best intentions, be positive and sure of yourself and your feelings, but be prepared in case nothing clicks in person. No one can know about that beforehand anyway.

 

she has asked me to do an open relationship type of thing when I enter university next year, and that she'll stay loyal but wants me to sleep with at least one person. That way I'll know whether or not she's something I want to keep.

If she's being honest and sure of what she's saying, she's one wise girl, very mature for her age.

You need to think long-term. You're only 17. In our current society, can you go until when you're 70 something with the very same person without longing for anyone else? Life is paved with temptations of all kinds, and for you, it'd be like being behind the Berlin Wall, with no chance to see what's on the other side. Take her offer seriously. But handle it with utmost care, so that you don't ruin your current relationship. But that would need a separate topic.

 

what do you guys think about where we're at

Although I think you're rushing into things, you are taking one step at a time, making sure you do things properly. You have plans, they make sense. You are being reasonable.

 

and what do you think about her suggestion that I sleep with another girl at uni to be sure?

Reasonable too. But you need to be very cautious with it, because it can turn against you.

[Take A Leap]

Disclaimer: First of all, I guess I'm not the average person and I'm not American nor Australian; I will just express my opinions regarding your situation.

 

Now, if we consider dating as "an engagement to go out socially with another person, often out of romantic interest", you are not dating any girl. You are talking to a girl online, where you both are interested in one another in a romantic way. But no dates yet. Unless you have virtual dates on cam. Also 1-2 what? Months? You're 17 and going to Australia after just one month from talking to a girl? Wow. You sure must have lots of money in your hands. And you're a bit crazy (that in itself is not bad).

 

You go there with all the best intentions, be positive and sure of yourself and your feelings, but be prepared in case nothing clicks in person. No one can know about that beforehand anyway.

 

If she's being honest and sure of what she's saying, she's one wise girl, very mature for her age.

You need to think long-term. You're only 17. In our current society, can you go until when you're 70 something with the very same person without longing for anyone else? Life is paved with temptations of all kinds, and for you, it'd be like being behind the Berlin Wall, with no chance to see what's on the other side. Take her offer seriously. But handle it with utmost care, so that you don't ruin your current relationship. But that would need a separate topic.

 

Although I think you're rushing into things, you are taking one step at a time, making sure you do things properly. You have plans, they make sense. You are being reasonable.

 

Reasonable too. But you need to be very cautious with it, because it can turn against you.

 

 

Thanks... The issue I have is that I don't really care to see what another girl is like. And yes... Money isn't really an issue for me, otherwise I don't think I would have even considered something like this in the first place.

 

The "suggestion" wasn't much of an offer more so than a want/need. She wants me to be certain before she moves, and I can respect that. Things can change after we meet but I was hoping there could be another way for her to know I'm certain without sleeping with another girl... What does sleeping with someone else accomplish anyways?

 

In reference to me going to Australia after so little a time.. I really care about this girl. Neither of us could make it without first meeting... It COULD turn out badly irl, I know that, which is why I want to do it asap. If it doesn't work, we've gotten it out of the way, no worries. If it does, we know we can commit and we're not wasting our time.

 

And to the dating thing.. We are both very interested in one another, we haven't done a "virtual" dating thing so I guess "dating" could be swapped with "together". We're committed to one another, though her wanting me to try something purely physical with another girl hurts a bit, even if I do get her reasoning.....

 

And to be fair, she suggested this while on her period.. She gets moody, so it's expected. This whole thing has been difficult for her; we both so want to be together, but we've got to wait 49 days now for it to happen... Welcome aboard to the LDR train I guess haha.

 

And finally.. about the long term... That's the reason she wants me to do this. She's thinking of it as a temporary sacrifice to guarantee a better future. I get that, I just don't think me sleeping with one (she made it clear that it would be ONE) girl is necessary.

[justwhoiam]

I don't really care to see what another girl is like

I think her suggestion makes sense if she's ready for you to make love with another girl. If it's just sex with a random drunk chick found in a club, I think it'd be pretty useless.

 

And to make love with another girl, you need to find her and date her, and see if you really like her and can have feelings for her. So you'd be testing your feelings and how strong the feelings for your Australian girlfriend are. You'd be putting yourself to the test. That's what she's asking for. You can survive the test or fall in love for another girl.

And make sure you don't use a girl not hurt her feelings. She should be aware you have a LD girlfriend in Australia and she's not sure about moving to the US.

 

Anyway, you might go there and don't click as you wish, and none of this would apply, and you wouldn't have to test your love for her.

 

And to be fair, she suggested this while on her period.. She gets moody, so it's expected.

Watch out for all the red flags please, before getting yourself into something like this (a relationship with a girl from a different continent).

[Solcita2]

Oh my... here I go.

 

I think if you have the money to go with it, go with it. Better sooner than later... I see no point in getting more involved without meeting in person (I met my ex when I was already really in love with him, very bad decision)

 

Second, I would set a time frame. Do not rush into things. Once you two meet in person you might even ignore red flags and things you don't like about her because of the excitment of the meeting (I know I did).

 

Even when she can so easily move to your country, do not do so...

After your travel, if everything goes OK, have her to visit you and your family. Don't jump into a moving so fast. You are young, you have time, do not rush. Rushing could doom the relationship.

 

About the experience thing... GOD I UNDERSTAND YOU. My SO is older than me and I didn't have much experience before him (only my ex and him), in the other hand he had plenty.

Many times he has mentioned "I wished you were more experienced" but not because he thinks I'm bad in bed or anything like that, but because he fears that eventually I might regret not having the freedom to sleep with whomever I wanted...

I was never a girl who slept around or anything like that so I find it very hard to believe that in a few years just out of nowhere I could want that... I never did and I never understood those who did. To me, sex is only possible (in my mind) with the person I love... I can't separate sex from him right now, for example...

 

Now that I live abroad and in separate continents, he "gave me" the freedom to do whatever I want. He says that he sees the love I have for him in my actions when whatever thing I found funny I take a pic just for him, or keeping a notepad of the place WE DEF need to go together when he comes, etc...

 

To me love is all those stuff and also fidelity. It's true that when you are apart if you have sex with someone else is not like you are not having sex with your SO for the OP... but either way, because I can't separate the idea of sex from the idea of him, it's not something I want... I understand your gf's poing of view also, but it's your decision... don't do something you don't feel like...

[Take A Leap]

Okay.. big update..

 

 

Before I had sent her photos of me, she met a guy around her age who does a similar job she does. I remember hearing her say "guess who added me on Facebook?!?" to her mom.. She sounded a bit too happy.

 

I kind of put it in the back of my mind.. But today things changed.

 

She's always been guarded about her feelings, but recently has opened us. Today, we started talking.. more sexual than we had in the past. And by the end.. somehow the topic shifted to loyalty.. I brought up how she's flirtatious, and then this one guy.. She admitted that she had purposefully flirted with him, since she was unsure about how things between me and her would play out (again, before she even knew what I looked like). She promised that she only has eyes for me and wouldn't hang out with this guy, though when she first told me about him she had said that she would (as friends)...

 

It hurts me that she would consider someone else while we were together, but I get that she was having reservations (she has for the majority of the online relationship, she had a bad online relationship experience in the past) and now she doesn't... She goes on vacation in 2 days, and promises me that I'm the only man she'll ever love... Even though they didn't do anything, the fact that she was so excited.. And that she admitted to flirting hurt me.. Is this a big deal or am I overreacting? I love her and I don't want to lose her but this really hurts :/