Would a man break up if he found out his gf was a former HS bully and the ringleader?

[wonderingsoul7]

Though I'm already 25 I've been trying to run away from this past.

 

No knows this except my close friends and obviously these two girls (Mandy and Gayle) who were the ones we unfortunately picked on an almost daily basis. That was me back then all the way till 12th grade and unfortunately the main ringleader too; Mandy moved to another school a year before.

 

I never told him about this but see when I was introduced to his family about 6 months ago to my bad luck, one of his friends' then girlfriend was Gayle. We actually greeted each other but I left early (this is because I really froze and didn't say know what to say esp at a social gathering with all the people there and the fact this person probably hates me and her seeing me again was probably was another painful moment; I just couldn't bare it), boyfriend asked why and I just made an excuse of a stomach ache.

 

I really wasn't expecting that. They broken up but still, will my boyfriend find out about this bullying past of mine? I'm afraid he's going to change his view on me since this topic came up once and he is against it.

Edited January 11, 2014 by wonderingsoul7

[TaraMaiden]

Wow.

 

First of all, kudos to you for stepping up to the plate and admitting it.

 

I was bullied a great deal at school, so your admission is admirable.

 

It may help you to sit and think and discern exactly why you were a bully; what motivated you, and what made you a ringleader?

 

Why those girls, in particular?

How did you feel about them then, to make you behave in that way towards them?

 

This all said, I will tell you, from my PoV (as a past victim of a bully) how I would see this:

 

Many bullied people build up a huge resentment and hatred for their bullies.

It takes time and personal effort to get over, rise above, transcend and move past such an influence, to the point that it really is of no consequence any more.

 

I have managed to do that, to the point that having sat in the same room as a prior bully, trust me, I know for a fact, I was more calm, at peace and reconciled with things, than she was.

 

Many victims of bullying would appreciate an apology.

But not necessarily an explanation, clarification or excuse.

 

we don't really care what motivated you, what excuse you might have had, what your home life might have been like, or why you picked on us, specifically.

 

All we want you to know is that it hurt, it affected us deeply, and that sometimes, the scars don't heal....

 

If this person is going to be part of your social circle, i would personally suggest you try to play it like this.

Try to get in touch with her, find her address details or contact 'phone number.

 

Ask her if she would agree to meet you.

If she agrees, be prepared for an emotional head-beating.

Don't clarify, justify, explain or expand - unless it's to answer her questions.

But admit your 'crime' openly and unconditionally.

 

tell her you know there is no way you can take anything back, or remedy what happened.

you cannot 'undo' the past.

But all you can do is sincerely and profoundly apologise for all the hurt, pain, distress, worry and anxiety your behaviour caused.

 

You're not expecting to become bosom-buddies, but you are here, to do whatever you can, to convince her of your remorse.

 

Please understand:

She is under no obligation whatsoever, to forgive you, let bye-gones be bye-gones, or let you off the hook.

 

YOU - have to let you off the hook.

 

Once you have achieved this (or even if you've tried, and failed) confess to your BF that you were once a pained person in a bad place, and you manifested that in a wrong way.

Tell him what you tried to do (again, whether it succeeded or failed) and advise him of the result.

 

Don't divest yourself of blame, but DO shed the guilt.

 

there's only so much time a victim should continue being a victim.

There's only so much time you should feel the way you do too.

 

But it's time to face your demons.

[ThatMan]

So what do you think about TaraMaiden's message of shedding guilt?

Moving on by letting go of the past is absolutely something that you can do. I have to question how much stress you are under. If you literally felt sick at a social gathering then how will you feel in this relationship with your past lingering overhead? I think you stand gain a great deal right now by moving on. Who you are today is far more important than who you used to be as a teenager.

[bubbaganoosh]

I'm not making any excuses for you, but your now 25, not 16 and teenagers do stupid things and sometimes the come back after a while and haunt you.

 

You could ask this girl to sit down and talk. You can tell her that your sorry for your past behavior and she might forgive you.

 

She might even keep it between you and her but sooner or later this has a good chance of coming out and your BF might hear about it, then what?

 

If you really want a clean slate, you should talk to your BF about this and let him know that yes you were wrong and your not the same person that you were back in school.

 

I'm happy to see that you do have a conscience though. It's a terrible thing to have to go every day with someone tormenting you just for the fun of it. Too bad it still continues and today it's even worse because now it doesn't just end when the bell rings and school is over, you have email, FB and texts that pick up the bulling when school is over so now it's in that kids house.

[d0nnivain]

If you have grown up since then & sincerely apologize for what you did to Gayle in high school it shouldn't make a huge negative impact, unless your bullying was physically violent.

[wonderingsoul7]

Why those girls, in particular?

How did you feel about them then, to make you behave in that way towards them?

Thank you for question this. During that time I was dealing through some time of rebellious stage where it was all about being the popular girl, not being without a bf for such a long time and sort of like a role modal but a bad one. I wasn't given too much attention at home because both of my parents are busy professionals and so at some time towards the ending of 8th grade things started getting out of hand and I started changed. One day I got bored of being the average nice girl with friends and went straight towards being a bully. I know, no excuse either.

 

Those two girls were the quiet ones and Gayle used to wear braces at the time. We (well mainly started by me) picked on them base on their appearances, their quiet nature, they wouldn't say nothing afterward and the fact that I would just make more excuses.

 

No, I don't think there is a any chance I'll bump into her again. If I did, I would make amends to her about my past treatment and how she didn't deserve any of that. I hardly ever get on facebook; not really much of a facebook fan. I get the feeling that if I were apologizing online it wouldn't be the same as doing it in person.

[wonderingsoul7]

You could ask this girl to sit down and talk. You can tell her that your sorry for your past behavior and she might forgive you.

How? That's the only single time I had the chance to and haven't seen nor heard of her since.

[wonderingsoul7]

If you have grown up since then & sincerely apologize for what you did to Gayle in high school it shouldn't make a huge negative impact, unless your bullying was physically violent.

Nope, I didn't apologize. I left that day and now I'll probably won't get that chance to run into her again.

It wasn't physical but I would say terrible things about her and it was because of me, one day many believed she slept around or told her a bunch of excuses why she was worthless, etc.

[d0nnivain]

Presumably you know her last name. Look her up. They still make phone books. Try your high school alumni association. If you want to find her, it shouldn't take a huge effort. Most people understand that people do grow up.

 

 

I'm reminded of the Adam Sandler movie where he goes back & calls people to apologize for the rotten stuff he did to them in school & the one guy crosses him off the list of people he was intending to kill.

 

 

Make the effort. You might change her life and yours.

[wonderingsoul7]

Presumably you know her last name. Look her up. They still make phone books. Try your high school alumni association. If you want to find her, it shouldn't take a huge effort. Most people understand that people do grow up.

Yes, I do know her last name but it's a very common one.

I'm reminded of the Adam Sandler movie where he goes back & calls people to apologize for the rotten stuff he did to them in school & the one guy crosses him off the list of people he was intending to kill.

 

 

Make the effort. You might change her life and yours.

That was brave of him. I wonder how he got their numbers. Unless the last name is unique, the phone books is going to have an endless list.

 

I've tried facebook after a long time of not wanting to be there. She isn't there and the list was endless. I think if the opportunity present itself again, I'll go for it this time.

Edited January 13, 2014 by wonderingsoul7

[wonderingsoul7]

Try to get in touch with her, find her address details or contact 'phone number.

I think the only person that would know this is my bf's friend but they're broken up and don't talk to each other at all.

[whichwayisup]

Though I'm already 25 I've been trying to run away from this past.

 

No knows this except my close friends and obviously these two girls (Mandy and Gayle) who were the ones we unfortunately picked on an almost daily basis. That was me back then all the way till 12th grade and unfortunately the main ringleader too; Mandy moved to another school a year before.

 

I never told him about this but see when I was introduced to his family about 6 months ago to my bad luck, one of his friends' then girlfriend was Gayle. We actually greeted each other but I left early (this is because I really froze and didn't say know what to say esp at a social gathering with all the people there and the fact this person probably hates me and her seeing me again was probably was another painful moment; I just couldn't bare it), boyfriend asked why and I just made an excuse of a stomach ache.

 

I really wasn't expecting that. They broken up but still, will my boyfriend find out about this bullying past of mine? I'm afraid he's going to change his view on me since this topic came up once and he is against it.

 

I think it would you heal, as well as your victims in high school, if you took the time to apologize to them both, own how awful you were to them and sincerely mean it. That way when your boyfriend finds out (aka when you tell him) he'll respect that you took time to try to mend fences with them.

 

If you bullied them badly, then it might make a big difference in their lives now, rid of insecurities, bad feelings and memories.

 

Hope this helps.

[wonderingsoul7]

I think it would you heal, as well as your victims in high school, if you took the time to apologize to them both, own how awful you were to them and sincerely mean it. That way when your boyfriend finds out (aka when you tell him) he'll respect that you took time to try to mend fences with them.

 

If you bullied them badly, then it might make a big difference in their lives now, rid of insecurities, bad feelings and memories.

 

Hope this helps.

I wish but I don't even know their email nor number. With Gayle I missed that chance and probably won't have it present to me again. With Mandy, she isn't found with her old last name.

[mario_C]

Personally, I would. Little sadists grow up to be big sadists.

[Els]

HS was almost 10 years ago, and most teenagers do at least a few stupid things during their teenagehood. If you do your best to make amends and demonstrate that you have truly changed within the last decade, should not be a problem.

[gaius]

If I ever found out my girlfriend was the prom queen/popular type in high school I'd have to dump her immediately. What a turnoff!

[wonderingsoul7]

Personally, I would. Little sadists grow up to be big sadists.

Thanks for being honest with that. I really can't change the past but if I could, I would have told my younger self to not treat those girls poorly. If I would go back 6 months ago, I wouldn't have left but talk to her in private.

HS was almost 10 years ago, and most teenagers do at least a few stupid things during their teenagehood. If you do your best to make amends and demonstrate that you have truly changed within the last decade, should not be a problem.

Indeed it was stupid what I did. Though it was a long time and have moved on trying to forget, ever since that meeting it all came back again and I've been wondering how it might still be affecting them.

[TaraMaiden]

It's still affecting you, that's for sure.

 

You need to deal with that, too.....

[whichwayisup]

I wish but I don't even know their email nor number. With Gayle I missed that chance and probably won't have it present to me again. With Mandy, she isn't found with her old last name.

 

Keep digging. Google and maybe contact your old high school, or someone else you knew back then would know how to get in touch.

 

You are not the same person anymore, people (teens) do stupid things and over time they grow up. Those who don't, stay bullies and have no regrets and they don't care period! And they go on being bullies and a-holes into adulthood. You're remorseful and if you could, you'd take it all back. That's a positive and also shows that you're not sadist or a mean person at all!

 

Try to forgive yourself for your past mistakes. One day in the future you'll see those two again and be able to make amends.

[EpicCentre]

OP, you might try to contact your high school association or talk to your best friend. They might give you information about them. If you can't find them, as long as you know it was wrong and changed that's all that counts. If you see them again, remember not to leave this time and instead make amends to them.

I was bullied a great deal at school, so your admission is admirable.

Sorry to hear. I admit being a total jerk for 3 years to my now friend Jeff and what happens is some of us are really immature in HS and just don't see what they're doing at that moment is really hurting the person getting bullied unless:

a) They get bullied afterwards by someone meaner and finally it what they did is wrong

b) They do an introspection, which that would usually take time

c) The person they're picking on 1 day turns around and punches/beats the hell out of them

 

c is what happened to me on my last year of HS in 2012 and though I wouldn't advocate violence, he did changed me to a better person. Shortly after the fight, I was forgiven fast; actually he felt bad for beating me also so it was rather a mutual apology/forgiveness.

This all said, I will tell you, from my PoV (as a past victim of a bully) how I would see this:

 

Many bullied people build up a huge resentment and hatred for their bullies.

It takes time and personal effort to get over, rise above, transcend and move past such an influence, to the point that it really is of no consequence any more.

 

Many victims of bullying would appreciate an apology.

But not necessarily an explanation, clarification or excuse.

 

we don't really care what motivated you, what excuse you might have had, what your home life might have been like, or why you picked on us, specifically.

 

All we want you to know is that it hurt, it affected us deeply, and that sometimes, the scars don't heal....

Did you ever come into contact with your bullies and get the closure you need? Edited January 13, 2014 by EpicCentre

[TaraMaiden]

I worked through this and gave myself closure. I worked through my own crap, baggage and hindrances, and even if I say so myself, did an ok job at leaving them in the Luggage-left compartment of a station I never intend to stop at again....

 

It took a while, but here's the thing: at one school reunion, I DID run into one of my ex-bullies. She looked and quite obviously felt distinctly uncomfortable.

 

I honestly cannot say whether this had any bearing on her discomfiture, but - how can I put it....?

 

I looked a million dollars.

 

She.... had not taken care of herself so well and was, well.... not a confident person either physically or otherwise.

[wonderingsoul7]

It's still affecting you, that's for sure.

 

You need to deal with that, too.....

No luck with the search at all but I did shared this with my bf. He was surprised that was me in HS but he didn't break up.

 

Now I think my only hope is to simply wait for my HS reunion, which will be held within 2 years from now. I'm not sure about Mandy being there though but maybe Gayle I do have hope for running into her again.

Edited January 26, 2014 by wonderingsoul7

[wonderingsoul7]

It took a while, but here's the thing: at one school reunion, I DID run into one of my ex-bullies. She looked and quite obviously felt distinctly uncomfortable.

She probably felt how I was feeling (hidden guilt, embarrassment and taken by surprise of being face-to-face with the person you treat badly) but couldn't find the words to say in that moment. Now, I do know everything I have in mind of what to say if bumping into either of them.