Nyxie Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 HI everyone, hoping to get some insightful wisdom ... I'll try to be brief!! 2 years ago I moved to Germany (from England) with my husband and my son from a previous relationship. He was always close to his dad, and of course the move here was difficult for all of us and particularly for him. We moved over here for better jobs, more money and a much, much improved standard of living - I won't go on, but the schools are better, there's less crime, less pollution, children generally seem to have more respect over here etc etc.... He started school and has become totally fluent in German in the last two years, and excels at school with his second language. He goes back to the UK 3-4 times a year to see his father and my family, which he really enjoys. A few months ago he started saying he wanted to move back to England and live with his dad. He's almost 9 years old, and obviously I want him to stay here with us, but recently his requests have become more frequent and more intense and I've started to wonder if he wants this so badly would I in fact be a bad mother to say no??? I'm not sure about this at all - if he thinks this will make him happy, should I be denying him? My ex said of course he can live with him if he wants (though reading between the lines, he's also concerned this may cramp his single lifestyle a little) My husband though is worried that this will encourage my son to think he can move back and forth as and when he wants, which will totally disrupt his schooling. He's also concerned about the effect on me as even when my son goes back to England on holiday I'm ringing him every five minutes and constantly worrying, he thinks I won't be able to cope. But it's not about me is it? What a dilemma, I really don't know what to do for the best.... Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 This is an interested dilema. I can understand your concerns and your ex-husbands concern. I don't know how folks deal with sharing custody of their children. I see it on a daily basis with my sister(s). If your ex is ok with it, let your boy move in with his Dad. With an understanding that, of course, he can come back whenever he wants to, but once is enough. He needs to know that your love for him is unconditional, and so is his Father's. But to move back and forth will not work at all. With his tender age I'm thinking that this could also be a fad and will slowly die down. You may want to give it a few more months, and also, let him know that he can't move during School. He'll need to do it between grades. You letting go will be the hardest of all. I hope things work out for you, and I truly hope that your son knows what is the most beneficial course of action will be. Good Luck Moose Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nyxie Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Thanks Moose. Thanks for giving advice and not telling me I'm a bad mother to have moved him in the first place (believe it or not this was 'advice' I received on another forum). I think you may be on to something about it being a 'fad' - my husband seems to think it will die down and is just so turned up at the moment because he has just come back from spending Christmas with his father. I think I may play it down for a few months, because as you rightly say he wouldn't be able to go in the middle of a school year anyway... I'm thinking maybe he should spend the whole summer with his dad this year and see how he feels after that - a nice lengthy holiday where his dad will have to be more of a disciplinarian rather than the fun parent who crams loads of activities into two weeks and lets him stay up late eating chocolate and watching movies!!!. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I think you have a great plan there. The whole summer will really give him an idea of what it's like to live with Pop. BTW.....we are from Germany, or at least my Mom is. She moved here with my Dad while he was in the force and didn't know a single word of English....I still remember her telling us, "ich liebe diche", right before bed.....I don't know if I spelled it right.....but that's one childhood memory I will not forget. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nyxie Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Ich liebe dich - "I love you", what a wonderful early memory to have of your mother! Since we moved here I got a job on the local army base and have met loads of army families, there are so many lovely pairings of nationalities - the most exotic so far is my japanese-Swiss friend and her British-Morroccan husband - their baby daughter is so beautiful and bound to be tri-lingual! I'm phoning my ex tonight to propose the plan.. Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted February 9, 2005 Share Posted February 9, 2005 I didn't read the responses, but would it be possible for him to just spend a longer duration with him. Say he's there a month over summer, send him for two months. Or for the big school breaks could he go to dad's? I know my son who is also 9 is trying to connect more with his step-dad. He just may need more guy time. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts