doctors orders?

[solostand]

Well a Canadian winter involves 30 centimeters of snow, repeated about once a week, also ice, freezing rain, and broken legs lol.

 

I am currently very skinny - a size two. But I do love weights, I did them in my 20s and loved the way they made me feel and look.

 

I KNOW exercise will increase all those good chemicals in my brain.

 

And yes MM is kicking my ass on this. Yesterday he said "I was wondering if you're not going to the gym because you don't have proper gym clothes? Because if that's the case, we can go get you some right now."

 

I KNOW it will help and the walk is only about three blocks which should be a good warm up.

 

Thanks for the link on depression. Haven't looked at it yet but will later today.

 

And for those who criticized my psychiatrist for telling me not to change the relationship with MM right now - I was literally suicidal at the time. He felt MM was actually giving me an incentive to not pull the plug. MM knows and accepts everything about me, I can tell him this stuff and he doesn't flinch a bit. He said "Right now we need to focus on keeping you alive."

[Got it]

As I have said, this profound depression is not a NEW thing - I have had it my whole life. So MM had nothing to do with its imminent arrival this fall as it does every fall.

 

My psychiatrist is just being pragmatic. He's trying to keep me from slashing my wrists until the depression lifts, to speak crudely. He sees MM as someone who helps in that regard at this time.

 

I have had severe depression before I knew MM so my eggs weren't in his basket then. I remember when I was married my husband left me in disgust because he couldn't hack my depression. Thought I was just being dramatic I guess. I got through THAT. When I recovered he wanted to come back. Yeah, no thanks. I had fantasies of killing him instead.

 

I am not sure if your therapist is saying continue the affair. What he is saying, it seems, it continue with the support. I agree, it sounds like an immediate needs right now and then when you are not in crisis mode, will address things at that point.

 

Focus on you, get yourself healthy and get strategies in place to have healthy coping mechanisms. If you need MM right now to get over that hump then I would say go for it, but also keep an eye on the long term/big picture and if you see that the affair ultimately brings more harm than good know that Phase 2 will need to address weaning yourself off of your relationship with him.

 

But remember to eat, drink, get some exercise and be gentle with yourself. If you are thinking of self harming, let your therapist know ASAP! You are too amazing of a person to not be the best you. The world needs you. We need you.

[solostand]

Luckily, I live in Canada, where health care is free.

 

When I told my psychiatrist I was suicidal EVERY DAY, he gave me a rather nice lecture. He said our relationship is such that when I need him - when I feel like self harming - I call him. No matter when. Day or night. He seemed surprised that I had not understood this earlier.

 

Luckily, that phase has passed for now, and I am no longer suicidal. But if I ever am again, when I'm lying in bed thinking of the best method to do it, I will call him instead. . .

 

A lot of what has prevented me from an attempt is that I promised my son that I would not. (He is 28). That damn promise has kept me alive more than once.

[Sub]

Luckily, I live in Canada, where health care is free.

 

When I told my psychiatrist I was suicidal EVERY DAY, he gave me a rather nice lecture. He said our relationship is such that when I need him - when I feel like self harming - I call him. No matter when. Day or night. He seemed surprised that I had not understood this earlier.

 

Luckily, that phase has passed for now, and I am no longer suicidal. But if I ever am again, when I'm lying in bed thinking of the best method to do it, I will call him instead. . .

 

A lot of what has prevented me from an attempt is that I promised my son that I would not. (He is 28). That damn promise has kept me alive more than once.

 

Has your psychiatrist offered up any alternative, more long-term options for coping with those feelings? I would assume that that should be a goal, as I can't see how leaning on a situation as tenuous as the one you have with a MM would be beneficial to your long-term health. Does your psychiatrist know the MM has batted around the idea of killing his W?

[solostand]

Of course my psychiatrist and I are working on long term goals that do not involve MM.

 

This killing the wife thing. I truly regret writing that on this board because I believe it has demonized MM.

 

It is a very common fantasy for people who feel trapped with no way out.

 

In my first marriage, which was not at all happy, my husband got very ill. I remember thinking "maybe he'll die" and that would save me the future divorce et cetera.

 

My sister's first marriage was very unhappy. I remember her fantasizing on the phone with me ways she could kill him without getting caught. Of course it was only a fantasy - she eventually left him.

 

My own GRANDMOTHER who raised 30 foster children and was considered a saint in her community was in abusive first marriage where her husband beat the crap out of her every day. In those days you could not leave. She wished every day he would die - he DID die - and she told us she was HAPPY.

 

Just this year we jokingly wondered if she killed him.

[Got it]

Solus, I think the death thing is a fantasy based on having another entity enforce a change/solution in our lives so we aren't the ones that have to make the changes ourselves.

 

So if someone died, then "problem" solved for us without us having to do the hard part and doing it ourselves. So I agree, I don't think it is uncommon but it is still putting the responsibility on another. The hard part is us being the ones to effect change and dealing with ripple effect of doing what we feel is right for us at potentially the expense of another. It means being upfront and above radar on what we want and dealing with the outcome of "rejecting" other(s).

 

That is hard! But it is the right thing to do. But yes I can imagine if one identifies themselves in the role of the "dead" person that can cause undue emotion!

 

Yes it is probably a common fantasy but one has to look at what it means, still asking someone else to fix a problem "we" have without us having to do so.

[Snipercatt]

This killing the wife thing. I truly regret writing that on this board because I believe it has demonized MM.*

 

Well, there's that and then the whole wanting you to sit across from his wife, at an event, with his semen inside you and his taking advantage of your vulnerability and using AA meeting as his huntung grounds, and his arrogance and. . .

 

Look, you've followed the prediction that you'd get back with him and that you'd stop being repulsed by him. You've let your short term needs cloud your better judgement and common sense.

 

Perhaps he's your savior, but the quality of your salvation is what's in jeopardy. Truly, you can't expecttobe better until you make better choices. I know that sounds harsh, but there's no sugar coating it.

[Got it]

Well, there's that and then the whole wanting you to sit across from his wife, at an event, with his semen inside you and his taking advantage of your vulnerability and using AA meeting as his huntung grounds, and his arrogance and. . .

 

Look, you've followed the prediction that you'd get back with him and that you'd stop being repulsed by him. You've let your short term needs cloud your better judgement and common sense.

 

Perhaps he's your savior, but the quality of your salvation is what's in jeopardy. Truly, you can't expecttobe better until you make better choices. I know that sounds harsh, but there's no sugar coating it.

 

I think you have to look at becoming your own savior. If you do see him as your savior that is not his role or anyone else's. You have to be the one there to fix yourself. That is unrealistic expectation of MM or anyone else. No one can fix you for you. You have to fix yourself. The beauty of that, you can trust yourself to pull through whatever life throws at you. You learn to trust yourself and know that you have your back. You learn to not have to be dependent on anyone else because they are "icing on the cake" of your existence and growth. It is the harder road but it truly is the only road.

[Snipercatt]

Solo, you've mentioned a possible Dday, so I'm assuming you've given that some thought.

 

You've talked about MM wishing his wife dead and how he could go about making that happen without getting caught. Now you comment that this isn't such a big deal. Will it not be a big deal if MM throws you under the bus and BS learns of your depressed state and wishes you gone? If she does everything possible to egg you on; to deprive you of the one person you thought you could call? Or, if she just wants to save her M enough that MM decides he can't be there for you?

 

What then?

[whatatangledweb]

Luckily, I live in Canada, where health care is free.

 

When I told my psychiatrist I was suicidal EVERY DAY, he gave me a rather nice lecture. He said our relationship is such that when I need him - when I feel like self harming - I call him. No matter when. Day or night. He seemed surprised that I had not understood this earlier.

 

Luckily, that phase has passed for now, and I am no longer suicidal. But if I ever am again, when I'm lying in bed thinking of the best method to do it, I will call him instead. . .

 

A lot of what has prevented me from an attempt is that I promised my son that I would not. (He is 28). That damn promise has kept me alive more than once.

 

It is done way more different in the states. If you tell your doctor you are suicidal they put you against your will in the hospital.

 

I have had clinical depression since I was a child. You have to learn to climb out by yourself. If you depend on one person to do it for you and they disappear or hurt you then you hit a deeper depression than you have ever hit. That can cause you to attempt suicide. I know, I have been there. It is very hard to live with depression. What I have learned is medicine and doctors can only help so much. The rest is up to you.

[solostand]

They will commit you here as well.

 

Had it been a layperson I admitted being suicidal to, the police would have been called and off I would have gone to the psych unit.

 

It is a judgement call by the psychiatrist whether to do so or not. I think he felt my promise to my son was serious (which it was) but also he made sure to see me more often, adjust my meds, and reinforce what to do if I started circling the drain. He also only gave me half my meds at a time "just in case".

[rumbleseat]

Your " black dog" is lying to you. Tell him to stop so you can see this snake for who and what he is.