How and What Do You Tell The Friends ?

[george roy]

Hello, all.

 

A question about what to tell mutual friends regarding the situation.

 

A couple of weeks ago, STBXW asked me, "Who have you told ?"

 

At this point, only a couple of my family members and her father know about the impending divorce.

 

To clarify, STBXW was the unfaithful party.

 

I'm still friends with mutual friends on my social network. I don't know of STBXW's status, as she's been hidden from my view (and some of my other family members) for a couple of weeks now.

 

I've 'chatted' with a few of those friends online, but nothing in regards to what's going on. And they've also asked where STBXW 'went', as far as being on the social network site.

 

But none of them seem to know what's going on exactly.

 

One couple stopped by last week. I showed the husband what I'd been building in the garage, but nothing in regards to the current situation.

The wife of this couple has met STBXW out a couple of times. But the couple is close enough to us that, if the husband knew anything, he would have said something in the garage, when it was just him and I.

 

So how and what do you tell those friends ?

 

Any input and suggestions are appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

Tell them as much as it is necessary for them to know.

 

Don't apportion blame. However justified you might feel you are, in giving the why and wherefore of the split, it's actually undignified. And you may find yourself sharing information you'll regret, later.

[d0nnivain]

Be vague. We're getting divorced. Don't elaborate as to why to any but your very closest inner circle.

[BeingMe]

I just reply: He walked out: We disagreed over his girlfriend

 

Says it all, is slightly sardonic without sounding bitter, easy to say and then quickly move on.

 

I don't see any point in hiding it, I have nothing to be ashamed of and by being open I get the support I need. I do, however, caveat it with saying the children do not know and I do not wish them to know.

Edited January 12, 2014 by BeingMe

[imtooconfused]

Also if you dont want to talk about it let them know.

 

That's an important point... If you don't feel comfortable explaining anything, don't feel compelled to do so. Simply explain that is a very personal situation and you're not yet ready to "share."

[RightThere]

I openly advertised (on Facebook) we were getting a divorce. Mostly because that will help me avoid having an awkward conversation 100 times.

 

However I have told less than a handful of people the real reason we are separation (lots of infidelity). A lot of people are starting to figure it out, considering she's already moved in with her other man.

 

The only reason I haven't told everyone about all the infidelity is for our daughter. If I tell people, I'll be pretty nasty about it. So I don't need my daughter getting impacted from other people being nasty to my STBXW. But that was my choice.

[TaraMaiden]

Off-Topic:

Love your signature, RightThere....

 

Another, on similar lines, by the Great irishman himself, is:

 

“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.

No man does, and that is his.”

 

Sorry.

 

Back to topic.

[M30USA]

I just reply: He walked out: We disagreed over his girlfriend

 

Says it all, is slightly sardonic without sounding bitter, easy to say and then quickly move on.

 

I don't see any point in hiding it, I have nothing to be ashamed of and by being open I get the support I need. I do, however, caveat it with saying the children do not know and I do not wish them to know.

 

I wouldn't even say that. It just makes you look bad--even if you didn't play a role in it.

 

My ex-wife assaulted me with a blunt object. I still haven't told friends or coworkers. Only a few close family members. Why? Because it would only make me look bad and, additionally, people wouldn't believe me anyway since I'm a male and it's always men's fault.

[TaraMaiden]

Nobody here believes you, and we all think it's your fault.

 

is that what you're saying....?

 

You have not had that reception or response here. Quite the opposite.

 

I think you do people in general a great disservice by continuing to perpetuate that myth, M30USA.....

[carhill]

So how and what do you tell those friends ?

 

In my case, once exW and I had filed and the lawsuit was served and progressing, I told personal friends in person that I was getting divorced. Other people would find out as they found out. I shared no details other than that we were getting divorced. I have no idea what my exW shared and who she told but did gain some idea later, after we divorced, from mutual friends. Different strokes for different folks. I couldn't tell my mom because she was already incoherent (didn't know who I was) by that time, so didn't face the 'tell family' part.

[imtooconfused]

I think you do people in general a great disservice by continuing to perpetuate that myth, M30USA.....

 

While I agree with you TaraMaiden that on these forums, M30USA in particular has been treated reasonably and fairly. He has received a great deal of support.

 

Having said that, in the public eye, I truly believe when it comes down to a he-said-she-said abuse situation, the she-said virtually always wins. People instinctively feel that a woman could never be so cruel to anyone, especially her man unless the man pushed her beyond her limits. I would call that a cold fact of reality, not a myth.

[TaraMaiden]

I think it also varies from culture to culture, and even from country to country.

I have never met a man here, who, IN RECENT YEARS having admitted his wife is an abuser, has met with anything other than sympathy, support, belief, understanding, comprehension and above all, compassion.

 

Time was...... times have changed.

 

In the UK, nobody laughs.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think this has to be a case by case basis. However, I have a few very close friends that I would tell. They deserve the truth, though you keep it on a high level and matter of fact.