70K20 Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Having been seperated for about a year and half and having moved on somewhat.I'm finding as you can see by my posts that my ex is trying hard to make a presence in my life on a regular.She won't divorce me,but I haven't really pressed for it either.I have dated several women and she has dated only the guy she left me for(in the begining) and that is long over for her.We have split and hooked back up after as long as a year,but now i fear she may be upto her old tricks.Should I confront her or just leave her be?...I'm really confused,what would u guys do?..and yes there is still love in the air! Link to post Share on other sites
debilou Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 I'm new to this website so I don't know all of your history. I believe you haven't divorced her because you really love her. I hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
soooconfused Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I am in kind of the same boat. Me and my wife have been separated for 2 years, back together for 6 months but not living together yet. We are getting ready to move back in again in march. My biggest issue has been dealing with the fact that she slept with 2 other guys while we were separated. I slept with 4 women but that does not ease the pain...i am still somewhat struggling with this. My suggestion to you is to make a decision quick. The more time that passes the more pain that can be caused. Either accept the fact and move on or discuss working things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 I've read through your earlier posts. I can't tell you what's on her mind, but I can tell you that she still considers you to be part of her family. After 20 years together, how could she not? I think the important thing here is what do you want? Could you give her the level of commitment that she needs to heal? Can you put her first in your life? Questions like that. If what you truly want is to get back together with your wife, then maybe just come right out and ask her what's going on. It beats the heck out of all the guessing games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 70K20 Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 ok so in other words I need to open my blinders a bit her way and really see what she might be trying to do.Forgive my ignorance on the making up portion of all this.But what should I I do or say to initiate the conversation regarding making up.Do I just come right out and ask?..or should I lay some groundwork in the way of a plan and then talk to her,or what worked for u..soooconfused and what was it that your ex to turn the light bulb on to your reconciliation?? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Just my opinion, but I think nothing works as well as honesty. Tell her how you feel. If she doesn't feel the same, you might experience some momentary embarrassment, but that's truly nothing compared to life-long regret. It's an emotional risk. Nothing ventured. Nothing gained. I have to point out though, that there seems to be some underlying sense of resentment in your posts. I don't know if I'm reading that right. If you're uncertain as to your level of committment, I'd do a little more soul-searching. Make sure that what you really want more than anything else is reconciliation. It's hard work, and it requires 110%. And even then, not always successful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 70K20 Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 LJ..yes some resentment..when I went to her 2 yrs ago,I said we needed to change for the marriage to continue in a positive state.I said that since the kids 19/14 were on there way out we should perhaps try and change our lives more to suit ourselves than them.So she did,met a guy on the net 2 mos prior to the b/up..and then on our 20 yr anniversary night she heads off for dinner with a girlfriend named Rick(the guy)?...she comes home touting the virtues of other men and greener pastures and she was leaving.I gladly rounded a dozen or so boxes and helped her pack.If thats what she wants,that what she gets...not my choice...hers.So I spend 12 mos settling our house and affairs..now the kids are happy and I'm happy. 6 mos since the deal was signed and she's realizing that we are doing better without her than we were together...and now she's asking about me more than ever..and I do still feel for her...but trust..she has kicked me out or moved out 4 times before...isn't some resentment normal? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by 70K20 ...isn't some resentment normal? Yeah, I do think it's normal. I just don't think it's beneficial in regards to reconciliation. This could be an indicator that you're not ready for that. (????) It's hard work to reconcile a relationship. You have to accept the other person along with their faults. You have to completely 'clean-the-slate' of past transgressions, and forgive them totally. And it must be absolutely mutual. That's a tall order! Particularly when you're still experiencing the hurt of separation, both the emotional separation and the physical. I can't remember from reading your threads, but have you had any IC? You might consider it if you haven't. It would probably help you ALOT just to have an understanding ear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 70K20 Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 Yep I went to counselling for 3 mos..she felt I needed more than she did,so she never went.I honestly thought it was me,till i went to counselling and discovered,it wasn't just me.ANd now that you mention the "Tall Order" to make reconciliation happen,I'm realizing,why should "We"(me and the kids) make any changes to suit her.We have done our part to turn things around,maybe she should come to the the table for a change.She should prove to us she is worthy to return and be a part of our Family unit...Wow this is really enlightening...I think you turned on a lightbulb LJ.She has done nothing for herself since she left except to lay alot guilt and emotion on the kids and me,about how she was so hard done by,and to think I felt sorry for her.And I don't feel hurt,I just feel anger..for ditchin us for the forth time..and to think I still may want to reconcile,I think I need my head examined some more.For you to say that I would have to do all that in spite of what we have already done and quite happily let go of...your right I don't have it in me..and to be frank I really glad I don't and I sure as heck won't..thx...time to get off this thread and onto the dating thread!..thx Link to post Share on other sites
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