What's the best thing to do for me now, after two failed relationships?

[espinoza0]

Greetings, I have already posted a couple of separate posts to explain my story from different angels, so I thought I would just say everything in one post.

 

The reason I had those separate posts is that it has been so painful for me to see the whole picture. I am extremely disappointed, and I am very sensitive, and I know I still have my head in the clouds. At least, I can see that I do.

 

Anyways:

 

Part 1:

 

When I was 20 I fell in love and got married at 24. I studied 10 years in the USA, half of those years were with my EX, whit whom I have a daughter. When we came back to our home country (retarded Arabian Gulf country) things started falling apart quickly, and we came across as polar opposites (he would even embarrass me in front of my friends and refuse a simple dinner invitation, leaving me to go alone, while he would proceed to work on his intellectual projects IN GREECE on holiday!). I had my daughter at age 30, after almost 7 year marriage, so I even waited very long to become a family, and still it didn't work out.

 

Part 2:

 

At age 35 I divorced him, because we both started drifting apart, it was so obvious. He had been meeting girls at cafes, and spending all his time on twitter. I had my fantasies about some nice guys out there, but didn't act on it, not even invite anyone to a cafe, though he did that at liberty and told me later about it. (this gets me furious).

 

You have to understand we live in a segregation-like culture between men and women. Men and women do not have natural relationships here, so when a guy meets a girl at a cafe, there is interest, not only casual acquaintance friendship.

 

Part 3:

 

Immediate after my separation (and two months before my divorce) a poet comes into my life and we fall in love. I knew him from intellectual circles, but met him first on facebook.

 

He was separated from his wife at the time. He lives an hour plane ride away.

 

We lived the honeymoon stage for 3 months. On our first date he took me out to very fancy hotel, paid for everything for the three days I was visiting. He was very romantic and generous. We had already been rather saucy on the phone, so we made out on our first meeting. He wanted to go all the way, but I refused, and he respected that. The way this whole things started was so romantic because I started chatting with him in depth and really fell in love with him long distance while I was in Greece/Niece. It felt like he was there with me, and he was on the phone messaging me daily for more than a month now. It was pure magic.

 

Ok, I can't write all the details it will take a year to do so, but say nine months of this relationship, during which I would visit him once a month for several days, he became broke because of his struggling business, and after nine months started thinking of going back to his wife for the sake of the kids who are asthamtic and need constant motherly care, and they have no extended family at the country they are living in (not their country) so divorce is almost impossible for him at this point.

 

What did he do for me? Lots. After divorce he was my rock; he was on the phone with me in divorce court; he took me out of my intellectual and social isolation, even sexually he lifted my fear of being with other men (which I did develop from the bad marriage spell, and of course lack of experience with other men). He helped me publish my first book, and designed a logo for my first business. He listened to me when I was troubled, and gave sound advice ALL the time. He is quite learned and energetic. Quite a lovely man.

 

Lately he had been busy upping his effort for this struggling company, and would work 18 hours for months on end. I haven't seen him all this while, except for brief visits at his exhibitions.

 

Long story short, on new year's eve he told me that he got back to his wife because of the kids (that it was affecting them), and his wife (who doesn't want to drive, who left him for two years before, who is extra religious and he is extra atheist, bla bla bla, and who didn't want to work until just a year ago) and his children are dependent on him.

 

He says he is not happy, but he doesn't seem to have many choices at this point. I am not happy with this decision, and I feel like he just dumped me. I reminded him that our spiritual connection is rare. He says his feelings for me have not changed.

 

Part 4

 

Trying to move on, I am starting to open my eyes to the possibility that I put this guy on such a high pedestal that I lost my ability to recognize the good male friends in my life. A guy I knew 15 years ago I found accidentally now on twitter, and he is already flirting with me, and likes all my instagram photos. I had liked him before, but we never got serious. Additionally, Since I hate my country, I am trying to date guys from other countries, so I take my time to pick and choose and research, etc. Right now I know 7 guys are interested; 4 from my home country, 3 from abroad (I look like from a mixed Lebanese/Persian/Turkish/Greek origin, that seems to be the initial attraction for them). I had a marriage proposal from Turkey; a Libyan guy is interested, and another Turk would like to meet me, and I really like him, so I will travel and see him. He is a photographer, so at least I would have interesting artistic friends that way, if nothing serious develops. So, additional posts maybe about these new prospects, so as not to confuse everybody. There is a local guy who is 14 years older whose life story is somewhat similar to mine, but I cannot get over the age difference. He is a banker and plays guitar and very spiritual-- a rare combination in my retarded country (and yes I do mean retarded as in r e t a r d e d, where women talk about nothing but food, and men talk about nothing but politics and buying cars and hitting it off with the ladies--a population of jerks, really. Our country accident rate on the streets is at LEAST 70 times higher than USA. 88 THOUSAND accidents per year on our streets. Yup, we are the other part of earth you rarely get to see, or know anything about. Dark ages par excellence).

 

sometimes though I think I should just move out of my parents home, have my daughter live with her dad and his wife, and travel as often as I can, because that is the only thing that will keep me together, doing things that I love.

 

I would still see my daughter occassionally on weekdays, and have her on weekends, we live in a very small country. I have a high paying career so I can afford traveling. But I cannot have my daughter living in my apartment and travel the whole time; it would disrupt her routine.

 

I thought about saving up money, and emigrating in a year to close by country, such as Turkey, but I have to be prepared that no other job will be as high-paying as mine here (with relatively little working hours; university teacher; and lots of holidays to travel during). I have double academic degrees in science and language. But I only worked in language, and never in science (though it is my preference). To start a whole new career in science now with lower paying job abroad (if I found any) is a bit too much for me to stomach now that I already feel lonely, and don't have enough emotional support in my life. I feel like an orphan, honestly (also history of very troubled relationship with parents, but more of the regular variety, nothing too bad or abusive). Not close at all to my borthers and sister (they have their own issues; growing up with two handicapped brothers in the family....it was very straining on everyone). My oldest brother took 15 years to graduate his first bachelor degree, and he now lives pretty much isolated in his room downstairs, and has no friends.

 

That sort of situation.

 

Input feedback? thanks in advance.

Edited January 12, 2014 by espinoza0

[justwhoiam]

As I am a mother too, I think your priority should be your daughter.

 

If you move to another country, it would be just the two of you, you'd be taking her away from any family you have, from her father, with no support where you'd be going to, and starting from scratch regarding work, with possibly a lower wage, plus renting an apartment... So I guess you'd go through financial and psychological strains, and your daughter would suffer too, on an emotional level, and you should face that with some professional support.

 

Also, the risk is you'll be a stranger both in a foreign country and in your own country. Giving your daughter an identity is more important than you might think right now. I guess she's 6 now? Well, I think this would be the best time if you decide to move anywhere, so you don't have to take her out of her school and away from her classmates when she gets attached to them, adding more pain.

 

I don't know what your country is exactly, but it doesn't seem a good option for your life and your child's life. Unfortunately, it took you too long to get that, and when things were not OK with your husband you decided to have a baby, and now you can't just pretend she doesn't exist, and live your life as single, travel the world and leave her behind. I mean, you can do that, if you want to, but one day your daughter might hold it against you.

 

And please don't rush things with any of your wooers. You don't know any of them. In particular, Turkish men (I don't mean to offend) are such global manwh--es with anyone online, they just hit on any girl/woman, and often men too.

 

That said, I think you need to live in a Western country, given your mentality and attitude. Do some in-depth research about the countries where you could be an asset and make good money. Narrow them down to a couple and see how viable it'd be to move there. Then see if you can have some family there with you other than you and your daughter (one of your sisters?). At that point if it's feasible, you can move.

 

You didn't say if you are religious, and what your religion is, if any.

And if you are ready and willing to cut your married lover out of your life for good. Because if you start a relationship with some other man, it's just fair you don't reconnect with him. He's got feelings for you that never went away, so if he enters your life again, passion and old feelings would come up again.

 

You need to start being serious and mature about your life decisions.

[espinoza0]

Thanks justwhoIam. I really liked your answer. Keep your fingers crossed for me

 

No I am not religious; spiritual though.

[espinoza0]

justwhoIam taking her with me at this age is not an option. She is too young, and her dad won't allow it.

 

That 's if I decide to leave.

 

Thanks for reading my very long post .

 

I really appreciate it

[justwhoiam]

Thanks justwhoIam.

You're welcome.

 

Keep your fingers crossed for me

I will