Girlfriend' friend

[fwd]

I have been with my gf for 4 years and we have known each other as friends before that for 2. We are 24-25. We have a great relationship and love each other more than the world. We both openly accept we want to spend the rest of our lives together and can't imagine ever being with anyone else.

 

I have met her friends one or two times before and a few weeks ago gf invited them to join my friends on a night out.

 

Long story short I am now being accused of trying it on with one of her friends, (gff) that same night. What's making this especially hard is that I was ridiculously drunk and don't remember very much at all.

 

Here is accusation/ what gff says:

Halfway through the night I told her that We needed to talk and led her outside of the bar by the hand to do so. Then I said we had chemistry between us and propositioned her. She was embarrassed and declined by saying that gf is her best friend.

 

Here is what I recall:

I remember speaking to her for quite a while and getting on well and having a lot in common. This has since been acknowledged by her as true. I don't remember taking her by the hand to go outside nor do I know why (but apparently this was witnessed by others, so I have accept it, I guess). But I do remember being outside with her, and asking what was going on, and she kept saying over and over that gf was her best friend and I remember saying "it's okay we've done nothing wrong, I love Gf so much too." I am almost certain that there was attraction from her side because she was standing there saying that over and over and rubbing my arm.

When I remembered this the next day, despite usually being honest about everything to my gf I decided not to say anything, because nothing actually happened and if anything I thought its good that I get on with her friends.. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever would happen and it was just a drunk exchange that got misinterpreted. I also didn't want my gf to have ill feeling towards her best friend.

 

The second part to this makes me so angry and upset for my gf.

Gff arranged to speak to her to break the news and had been talking to 2 other of their friends about it all for a week and a half after happened.

They decided to meet at a bar to break the news and another one of her friends was also there, she wasn't even at the night out! Apparently it was like some kind of reality tv show. So fking dramatic.

 

My gf says she feel humiliated, embarrassed, betrayed and upset. She says she thought and always said we had the perfect relationship and now she feels all of the above.

 

I messaged gff(with permission of gf) to straighten out exactly what happened and to get some answers, but gff is sticking to her story brutally saying she didn't misinterpret anything and has now got to the stage where she wants to drop it.

 

I find it impossible to accept that I would have done this to my gf, especially with her best friend, and I feel that maybe I mistakenly felt some drunken attraction and wanted to talk, but honestly I do not know.

 

 

My gf does not want things to end but suggests we need a break so she can get over it. She sometimes gets really angry and can't see how she can possibly get over it.

 

Do you guys have any advice about how we can move forward?

 

She is my best friend as well as my gf and I never want her to be hurt. I'm happy to just do whatever is best for her happiness.

 

I want to sms her friend one final time but I think this is in anger. I want to ask why such a show was made out of some drunken comments, and how this was definitely not a one-way random proposition from me to do something with her whilst my gf is in the same fking bar! It's just illogical. And even f it is true, shows just how much I was unaware of what I was doing.

I'm guessing texting her would be a bad idea now though.

Edited January 12, 2014 by fwd
Edit

[crimsonite]

I have been with my gf for 4 years and we have known each other as friends before that for 2. We are 24-25. We have a great relationship and love each other more than the world. We both openly accept we want to spend the rest of our lives together and can't imagine ever being with anyone else.

 

I have met her friends one or two times before and a few weeks ago gf invited them to join my friends on a night out.

 

Long story short I am now being accused of trying it on with one of her friends, (gff) that same night. What's making this especially hard is that I was ridiculously drunk and don't remember very much at all.

 

Here is accusation/ what gff says:

Halfway through the night I told her that We needed to talk and led her outside of the bar by the hand to do so. Then I said we had chemistry between us and propositioned her. She was embarrassed and declined by saying that gf is her best friend.

 

Here is what I recall:

I remember speaking to her for quite a while and getting on well and having a lot in common. This has since been acknowledged by her as true. I don't remember taking her by the hand to go outside nor do I know why (but apparently this was witnessed by others, so I have accept it, I guess). But I do remember being outside with her, and asking what was going on, and she kept saying over and over that gf was her best friend and I remember saying "it's okay we've done nothing wrong, I love Gf so much too." I am almost certain that there was attraction from her side because she was standing there saying that over and over and rubbing my arm.

When I remembered this the next day, despite usually being honest about everything to my gf I decided not to say anything, because nothing actually happened and if anything I thought its good that I get on with her friends.. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever would happen and it was just a drunk exchange that got misinterpreted. I also didn't want my gf to have ill feeling towards her best friend.

 

The second part to this makes me so angry and upset for my gf.

Gff arranged to speak to her to break the news and had been talking to 2 other of their friends about it all for a week and a half after happened.

They decided to meet at a bar to break the news and another one of her friends was also there, she wasn't even at the night out! Apparently it was like some kind of reality tv show. So fking dramatic.

 

My gf says she feel humiliated, embarrassed, betrayed and upset. She says she thought and always said we had the perfect relationship and now she feels all of the above.

 

I messaged gff(with permission of gf) to straighten out exactly what happened and to get some answers, but gff is sticking to her story brutally saying she didn't misinterpret anything and has now got to the stage where she wants to drop it.

 

I find it impossible to accept that I would have done this to my gf, especially with her best friend, and I feel that maybe I mistakenly felt some drunken attraction and wanted to talk, but honestly I do not know.

 

 

My gf does not want things to end but suggests we need a break so she can get over it. She sometimes gets really angry and can't see how she can possibly get over it.

 

Do you guys have any advice about how we can move forward?

 

She is my best friend as well as my gf and I never want her to be hurt. I'm happy to just do whatever is best for her happiness.

 

I want to sms her friend one final time but I think this is in anger. I want to ask why such a show was made out of some drunken comments, and how this was definitely not a one-way random proposition from me to do something with her whilst my gf is in the same fking bar! It's just illogical. And even f it is true, shows just how much I was unaware of what I was doing.

I'm guessing texting her would be a bad idea now though.

 

IMO, the only thing your GF can do is to take this break and try to get over it herself. There's nothing you can do to help her with that after feeling humiliated, and hurt like that. Break can either help or hurt you though, she may realize it's not worth her time since she's been faithful to you OR hopefully she gets over it.

 

What you CAN do is limit your drinks next time and stop communicating to her friend. You need to be able to prove to your GF that you love her, and will be faithful and loyal to her. It'll take time for her to trust you like how she used to again though.

[cupic]

Well, first off, if your still getting black out drunk at 25 at a bar, that right there is telling me you may already have a maturity issue. So from there to propositioning another female (any female) for sex or any form of intimate contact doesn't sound like a stretch to me.

 

Having said that I'll give you the benefit of the doubut.

 

You've been together for four years, thats a testimant to the strenth of your relationship, something I dont think she'd lightly toss a side.

 

And women have a habit, especially when together, of getting overly dramatic and making more of things that what may have actually happened.

 

If I was in your shoes, I'd try to set up a meeting with you, your GF and your GFF. Ask questions, interogate the GFF, see if she sticks to her story, and if things really were as what they were. Afterall, if you were drunk to the point of not remembering the night, how eloquent would have been to proposition anything to anyone? I would act on this fast and right away, and would push this. Sounds like maybe her friends ganged up on you, maybe they have plans for her to be with someone else (sound malicous i know but i have seen it before).

[veggirl]

OMG do NOT try to set up a meeting with gf and gff. What you should do is DROP THIS as much as humanly possible. Give your gf some space, of course she is humiliated, I would be too! But you will make it worse by continuing to bring the situation up. Why remind her of it? If she wants to talk about it, let her bring it up. You apologized, now let her be and let her get over it.

 

Also you guys have dated 4 yrs and you only met her friends 1 or 2 times? Why is that?

[Untouchable_Fire]

This whole situation is sketch. What would be her motive for lying? How drunk were you? I think at this point you should apologize to both girls for not remembering much and for anything that may have been said and interpreted in an unintentional way. Then drop it.

[ThatMan]

If you black out then you should not be drinking. Period.

 

Second of all, you swear up and down that you don't remember things clearly. But then you insist that you are almost certain that she felt attracted to you, and that you recall being outside with her rubbing your arm. I'm sure that the 'gff' is sticking to her story because she doesn't seem to back out, have selective memory lapses, and she can probably get her story straight, unlike you. It might be brutal to hear but these are the consequences of being inebriated. You need to learn how to drink responsibility and have a fun time. If you've blacked out than it means you have a drinking problem which is the stuff that ends relationships. If you truly want to move on with your life, tackle your drinking problem once and for all. Otherwise this will continue to happen and it only gets worse from here.

 

Instead of trying to gaslight other people by setting them straight, a very candid discussion of your memory lapse is in order.

[bubbaganoosh]

Here's a good piece of advice. You can't hold your booze and when you get drunk, you make an ass out of yourself and because of it, you ruined your relationship so the advice is, curb your intake of booze.

 

You were drunk and no doubt said some stupid things to your girlfriend, friend. You own it now and if she;s sticking with the story, then do the right thing and tell you GF and her friend that your sorry and hope for the best.

 

Why is it that people can't or won't stop when they have had enough? I haven't the first clue but if anything, you learned a lesson and I hope you remember it.

[Darren Steez]

Not too drunk to "feel" her attraction but too drunk to remember her turning you down.. and making an ass out of yourself.

 

If this is her best friend this supposed "attraction" you thought you felt, didn't just come out of nowhere..now she'll be wondering how long you've been wanting her friend.

 

Bad news for you.

[fwd]

I should have clarified I in no way am attracted to this girl at all, and that's why I can't understand why I would have been that night.

 

Also I dont have a drink problem, it was NYE and things got out of hand. I pretty much never binge drink anymore but acknowledge that I should've been more aware of what I was drinking that night.

Edited January 13, 2014 by fwd
Typo

[ThatMan]

There's nothing that we can do for you. You are twenty-five years old. This probably isn't the first time you've had alcohol. If you still haven't figured out how to enjoy any party without blacking out then chances are that you never will. We cannot babysit you and neither can your girlfriend. Whether or not you've felt attraction towards her doesn't matter. When you drink irresolutely there are consequences, some of which end marriages. It shouldn't be any surprise that your girlfriend feels embarrassed by you. She probably wanted a real man in her relationship who can be trusted and handle his boozes. Your girlfriend needs to decide if you are worth it, and there's nothing you can do to change that.

 

Maybe these experiences will help you to grow up a bit. But we cannot force you to grow up by dragging you kicking and screaming in protest that you didn't have a drinking problem on New Year's Eve.

[fwd]

There's nothing that we can do for you. You are twenty-five years old. This probably isn't the first time you've had alcohol. If you still haven't figured out how to enjoy any party without blacking out then chances are that you never will. We cannot babysit you and neither can your girlfriend.

What an unconstructive comment!

1 - I know how to enjoy a party without blacking out - this was a rare occasion where it went too far.

2 - I didn't post requesting to be babysitted by you, or asking how my GF can babysit me. I asked for any advice on how my GF and I can work this out between us, and ways of looking at this situation.

 

It shouldn't be any surprise that your girlfriend feels embarrassed by you.

It's not..

 

She probably wanted a real man in her relationship who can be trusted and handle his boozes.

1 - Booze is already plural - you don't need to add an 'S' <--- Example of constructive comment.

2 - I have already discussed with her the idea that I will make a conscious effort not to get that drunk again, she said she understood as everyone was almost equally as drunk and it was a one off occasion.

 

Your girlfriend needs to decide if you are worth it, and there's nothing you can do to change that.

 

She already has. Again, I posted asking how we can move forward with this together.

 

Maybe these experiences will help you to grow up a bit. But we cannot force you to grow up by dragging you kicking and screaming in protest that you didn't have a drinking problem on New Year's Eve.

 

Again - here is what I asked, looking forward to receiving non-trolling comments and advice!

 

"Do you guys have any advice about how we can move forward?

 

She is my best friend as well as my gf and I never want her to be hurt. I'm happy to just do whatever is best for her happiness. "

[pteromom]

I would apologize to her friend one last time. Text something like "I don't remember everything that happened that night, but I promise you I am fully committed to GF and am a faithful guy. I am very sorry for anything I said or did that was inappropriate and am sorry for putting you in the position to have to tell GF what happened. I hope we can move forward as friends and that there are no hard feelings."

 

And then I would drop it and would never bring it up again unless your gf needs to talk about it to be reassured.

 

Definitely do not call a meeting or anything. You want to diffuse the drama, not keep it going.

 

Your GF is naturally going to be watching you for a while to make sure she can trust you. Some things you can do to help her get past it:

 

- talk about it if she needs to, for as long as she needs to. No eye-rolling, defensiveness, or anger. Just keep apologizing and assuring her that she is the only girl for you.

- back off on drinking for a while. If your behavior truly was just because you were drinking, you want her to see that you take it seriously and don't want it to happen again.

- be loving, kind, and gentle with her.

- be transparent with texts, emails, FB, etc. so she can see what you are up to if she chooses. Don't take it personally if she wants to snoop. She's got reason to be doubtful and your job is to alleviate those doubts.

 

If you do all this, it won't take her long to get over it. But you want to be cautious that this never happens again, or it will be the end of your relationship.

[ThatMan]

What about you?

What thought have you put into moving forward?

How do things stand as of late?

 

Chances are that you've shaken her sense of trust and safety. Trust is something that has to be earned and it is not easily repaired. The fact that this was a one time occasion does not change her feelings. So how can you rebuild trust? Maybe addressing what caused this conflict will help you. I think you've been off to a good start already by explaining that you will make the conscious effort to not get drunk. But what sort of message are you sending her if you hold onto the mentality that you don't have a drinking problem? What happens during a genuine conversation with her about it? Have you two talked at all?

 

People get drunk all the time and they still do not have memory lapses. Everyone but one person in this thread has come forward to express their observations. You had a problem with alcohol, if only for one night. Although controversial, your drinking is something to address if you're serious about rebuilding trust in this relationship. How upset you feel to hear that will not change the nature of the problem. As a mature adult, you need to understand how to enjoy a celebration and your spouse needs to be able to trust you to be a mature adult. Try being a bit more candid with yourself and your spouse about this. Sometimes people begin growing up and making better choices only after they've lost something valuable if it comes to it. But do not only come half way in this and expect the underlying trust issue to disappear.

 

There also seems to be the consensus that you should drop it as much as possible and I agree. I do not know where you stand on your first message, and whether or not you still want to set the record straight, but I'd advise against that. If you do not remember what happened then you cannot presume to know any better than the story of other witnesses. Instead, I think an apology is the least you can offer. All of this comes down to whether or not your spouse is willing to continue speaking with you again.

[fwd]

I can't believe that I forgot to mention the GFF was also horrendously drunk - she was almost being sick from alcohol when she stayed at our house afterwards. This is what makes it harder for me to lie down and accept her version of events.

 

Since my first post, we spent the whole weekend together and neither of us wanted to leave each other's side. We have been getting on extremely well, apart from 3/4 moments where she pretty much loses it with me, each of these has tended to diffuse pretty quickly and I completely understand.

 

She decided it would be best to have time apart ** a break** from each other so she can deal with what happened on her own, and so she doesn't keep getting angry. I think this is a good idea .. what do you think?

 

I understand that I need to accept responsibility for my actions, and rid of the guilt, whilst making sure nothing like this happens again, and she needs to accept what happened, that I am wholeheartedly committed to her and rid herself of as much anger and resentment towards me, so we can both start together to rebuild.

 

She thinks if we are to sort things out it will need all of us to meet again to clear the air, not necessarily talk about the incident though... hopefully. I mean what more can there be to say.

 

 

The GF, GFF and her friends have been texting and wanting to meet - I think they have arranged a dinner together tomorrow, which GF is not particularly keen on going. She thinks this is becoming a bit of show.

 

I text the gff one last time saying that I understood why she told my gf, but I would never have meant any of what she has reported from the night, and that nothing should be taken from anything I said or did in that kind of state. < this mainly to save gf any more embarrassment and just so that there can be no confusion with me actually being attracted to GFF.

I have already apologized to her and told her that I don't blame her, and how committed i am to my gf, which she says she doesn't; doubt.

[ThatMan]

I know that many couples experience a breakup but continue their relationship. This is more common for couples than you might think. I'm hopeful that more people will chime in with their own experiences with this. But I believe the most you can do for your girlfriend is offer support and acknowledgement.

 

Support for what she is going through.

There are many ways to support her as she sorts through her thoughts and feelings to decide what's best. Besides the space for a moment, there are a few other ideas. I know a married couple who always wrote letters when a conflict came up. Each spouse wrote two letters expressing their individual point of view. The first letter details everything about the relationship they enjoy, the reasons why they fell in love, and why they'd wish continue the relationship. The second letter details the conflict. This includes what, if anything, they'd like to change about the relationship. I know that this married couple has worked through every big issue they've encountered this way.

 

Acknowledgement of where you stand today.

Complete or partial memory lapses are a big deal. You cannot claim ownership of the things you cannot remember. But you absolutely can share where you stand today. I'm positive you've done this already. But I think it's always a good idea to reaffirm your commitments, your feelings for her, and your determination to be a bit more careful.

 

As for the GFF-

It honestly sounds like the gff is inserting herself into the relationship. Your girlfriend has every right to politely decline the invitation, especially if she feels uncomfortable. The way the gff is behaving seems very inappropriate. As outlandish as the gff stories are, her perspective is within the realm of possibility, and you cannot know for certain what transpired. That's why the black outs are a big deal and not everyone experiences this while drinking heavily. But I hope that the situation becomes defused rather than escalated. I see some great ideas from pteromom and I hope more input is added soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have been in the girlfriend's friend's shoes. I never looked at her boyfriend the same way again. And frankly? Neither did she. Just saying.

[CrystalCastles]

As for the GFF-

It honestly sounds like the gff is inserting herself into the relationship. Your girlfriend has every right to politely decline the invitation, especially if she feels uncomfortable. The way the gff is behaving seems very inappropriate. As outlandish as the gff stories are, her perspective is within the realm of possibility, and you cannot know for certain what transpired. That's why the black outs are a big deal and not everyone experiences this while drinking heavily. But I hope that the situation becomes defused rather than escalated. I see some great ideas from pteromom and I hope more input is added soon.

 

I agree. GFF is being unnecessary theatrical. It was immature and inconsiderate of her to make GF's problems public. She should have quietly let GF know and gone on her way instead of creating an even bigger problem than was before.

[fwd]

I agree. GFF is being unnecessary theatrical. It was immature and inconsiderate of her to make GF's problems public. She should have quietly let GF know and gone on her way instead of creating an even bigger problem than was before.

 

I wish it was my place to tell gff this but I can't, and I know my gf won't have it in her to either. I guess what's important is that gf knows this in herself. It's not as if this is a problem which is going to keep recurring!

[ExpatInItaly]

I wish it was my place to tell gff this but I can't, and I know my gf won't have it in her to either. I guess what's important is that gf knows this in herself. It's not as if this is a problem which is going to keep recurring!

 

Your girlfriend doesn't know that. You have to understand that. You have a lot of work ahead of you, because I can guarantee this issue will stick in her mind and raise its ugly head again. I saw this with my own best friend and her now-ex boyfriend. I never hung out with the two of them together again, mainly because I was completely creeped out by him after his proposition. He too claimed he couldn't remember what was said, but somehow knew for sure he didn't mean it. (Bullsh*t) She tried her best to see it as drunken "mistake" on his part but she just could't feel comfortable in the relationship after it happened. Expect to deal with this for this for a while. The onus is on you to make it right. How her best friend told her what you did isn't really the point.

[fwd]

Your girlfriend doesn't know that. You have to understand that. You have a lot of work ahead of you, because I can guarantee this issue will stick in her mind and raise its ugly head again. I saw this with my own best friend and her now-ex boyfriend. I never hung out with the two of them together again, mainly because I was completely creeped out by him after his proposition. He too claimed he couldn't remember what was said, but somehow knew for sure he didn't mean it. (Bullsh*t) She tried her best to see it as drunken "mistake" on his part but she just could't feel comfortable in the relationship after it happened. Expect to deal with this for this for a while. The onus is on you to make it right. How her best friend told her what you did isn't really the point.

 

 

1 - I don't fancy this girl and never have, never will. That's why I'm so surprised about what apparently happened, and that's also why I know anything that might have happened didn't mean anything.

 

2 - I know anything I did do wrong is up to me to make up for. But look at it this way.. after it happened, that girl had choices about how to tell my gf about this. She chose to do it by talking about it with all of their friends for 10 days first, and then break the news to her in public. What a destructive thing to do. It makes me wonder about this girl's motives.

Not only that, my gf went to an event today where she met all of the girls parents.. and they all knew too!bbIt's been made into such a show and that side of things could easily have been avoided. So that is why it does matter how she told my gf.. because when she hurts, I hurt.

 

how did you confront your friend when this happened to you?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 - I don't fancy this girl and never have, never will. That's why I'm so surprised about what apparently happened, and that's also why I know anything that might have happened didn't mean anything.

 

2 - I know anything I did do wrong is up to me to make up for. But look at it this way.. after it happened, that girl had choices about how to tell my gf about this. She chose to do it by talking about it with all of their friends for 10 days first, and then break the news to her in public. What a destructive thing to do. It makes me wonder about this girl's motives.

Not only that, my gf went to an event today where she met all of the girls parents.. and they all knew too!bbIt's been made into such a show and that side of things could easily have been avoided. So that is why it does matter how she told my gf.. because when she hurts, I hurt.

 

how did you confront your friend when this happened to you?

 

I went to her house and told her.

 

Could her friend have found a better way to tell her? Probably. But you do realize that this hurt was caused by you, don't you? If you hadn't propositioned her friend, you wouldn't be dealing with this today. Focus less on her friend and more on your own unacceptable behaviour. Ask yourself what your motivations were and why you wanted sex from someone you're apparently not attracted to. Do you usually have sex with women you don't find appealing? I doubt it. Your girlfriend is probably tormenting herself with the same thoughts.

 

You're also missing my point about your girlfriend not knowing that this won't happen again. You broke her trust in a major way by hitting on another woman, and you allegedly have no idea why it happened. If you have no idea, there's a bigger risk you'll do it again because you don't know how to address the underlying issue. Your girlfriend will find it hard to trust you after this, and rightfully so. That's what eventually broke the camel's back for my best friend - her ex is long gone now.

[todreaminblue]

i've lost friends by being honest....i feel they have a right to know...i would never broach a subject so hurtful in public...i would and have privately talked to my friends.....but only after a warning wasnt taken.....i threaten guys with telling if they dont stop and continue on...... i do tell, thats with mauling with flirting ill bring the girlfriend in to the conversation guys who flirt with em are pretty straightforward gets sexual quickly

 

 

as i said its easy to turn it around though.....i lost a friend.......her boyfriend put it on me.....she chose him......i lost my friend.....who obviously wasnt really a friend which hurt more.....i dont like creatign trouble or hurt....would prefer to fix things than break them

 

 

dont whine abtou the friends responsibility......she will have to live with that when she looks at her friend.....and says hey i am yoru friend trust me.......just be sorry and dont do what you did again you have lucidity and recollection of key physical contact and words repeated...you didnt black out.. if you have that second chance to be with your gf.....good luck this time get it right..best wishes............deb

Edited January 17, 2014 by todreaminblue

[VeronicaRoss]

The real problem is medical, not a relationship problem. You can't remember and had no control. Look it up -- black outs are a medical response only some people have, and doesn't necessarily take a lot of alcohol to cause it. It's not necessarily a sign of alcohol dependence either.

 

Your body handles alcohol in a way that is dangerous for you and everyone.

 

You could have done a lot worse blacked out, be grateful. Unless you address this by getting real info from a doctor and change your behavior, you'll do it again 'once in a while' and something else is going to happen while you're blacked out. You could actually cheat, kill someone driving, get in a fight you end up in the hospital. Anything. Because you lost all control.

 

If you love your girlfriend and your future, you'll address how alcohol affects you, tell and show her you've followed an expert's advice so it doesn't happen again. Please go to a doctor, look up info online like Wikipedia, get help. Good luck!