How do you cope with the loss of a parent?

[Tucoball]

I found out the day before Thanksgiving that my dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. After a little research into the disease I discovered that I will loose him very soon. His condition is inoperable and everything I read says the median from diagnosis to demise is 3½ months.

 

He lives two states away so I spent a week with him right after Thanksgiving and it took everything I had to keep myself together. He looked terrible. He is in constant pain and living on morphine. He’s suffering. I’ve kept in touch with him daily and two weeks before Christmas he wished he could see his grandchildren. So I put them in the truck and we drove 14 hours to spend Christmas with him. He looked a little better but quickly faded.

 

I have accepted the fact that I will loose him and very soon but I am not coping with this at all. I had to get myself to the Dr. and he has prescribed medication to help with the anxiety and depression but I can’t take it all the time. Since Thanksgiving I’ve been looking at the bottom of my glass. This cancer is killing us both.

 

I’ve stepped up to the plate financially because he can’t but I am still riddled with guilt. Like I should have been a better son. Or like I should be there right now taking advantage of every last second while I can. I wasted so much time before now. I’m angry. I feel completely helpless because I have absolutely no control over any of this crap. And now I have really started to think about a solution that would fix everything for everyone that is as drastic as the cancer itself. I dread with a passion the call from Texas to say that he’s gone. And I’m not sure I can take it.

 

When will this pain stop? I’m not the same person I used to be and I can’t see myself ever the same again. The people close to me, my wife, children, friends and even co-workers see it too. I know it hurts them to see me in the state that I am in. Everybody is suffering.

 

Tell me how you did it because the light at the end the tunnel is a train and its coming fast.

[alphamale]

i went thru this 7 or 8 yrs ago with my mother. same exact situation except it was liver cancer.

 

i really don't know how i made it thru looking back, my life sucked for a few yrs after she died. you never get over death of a close relative but it does get better as time goes on.

 

all i can say is take each day at a time and find solace in your relatives and friends. i is a tough road but you will make it thru and you'll become a wiser and stronger person in the end.

[savethedrama4allama]

My dad passed away when I was 21. He was the closest person to me on earth. He died suddenly, so I don't know what its like to deal with the decline. However I did have the feelings of regret: I should have made him go to the doctor, I should have been at home when he died, I wasn't a good enough daughter, etc.

 

One thing you must acknowledge is that you never will be the same person again. That is normal, and its ok. Losing people who are close to you will change you forever. In time you will be able to remember your father and smile instead of cry. At some point you get past the grief and can have happy memories again.

 

I would definitely recommend counseling to help rid you of the feelings of guilt you posess. You weren't the perfect son; he wasn't the perfect father. We're all human and we all have regrets. You mention that you have children yourself. Imagine that you are the one who is terminally ill and your children have regrets about their relationship with you. Is there anything your kids could have said or done that would make you love them any less? Hell no. Remember, your father thinks of you the same way.

 

You are right, you have no control over this. If you have a family of your own, you can't conceivably be there every second- and I'm sure your father understands that. You must acknowledge that there is no way you can avoid his death, but it is his life - that you must focus on. What did he teach you? What gifts did he bring to you and your families lives? That will be his legacy.

[HokeyReligions]

http://www.beyondindigo.com

This is a grief site that helped me.

 

Grief doesn't always begin after a person dies -- it sounds like you are waist deep in grief right now.

 

My husbands father passed away last October. Cancer. He also had dementia and didn't always recognize his only son.

 

Hubby & his dad had been on the outs for about 6 years. His dad didn't even go to hubby's college graduation. We got a call last August or September from Hubby's step-mother about his dad. He lives about an hour and a half away -- but we hadn't seen or heard from him in years.

 

Hubby felt so guilty afterward and even during the visits. He could have beat himself up over not having stayed in touch. We learned that the cancer and dementia had begun about six years before -- when they broke contact. It was the cancer and dementia already at work. Hubby had to deal with that guilt.

 

Is it your father that wants you to spend every second with him, or you? I'll hazard a guess that your dad raised you to be independent and to live your own life. I'm sure he missed seeing you as often as if you had lived next door, but then again I'll bet he took pride in your life. As much as you are beating yourself up over your perception of not being a better son, I'll bet your dad is thinking the same thing about not being a better parent. Its time to address that and focus on the positives.

 

Apparently, you were both just fine at being father and son because you did go to see him when he needed you, and you did bring his grandchildren to him too. You can't change the past and you did the right thing now. When you talk or write to him I'll guess that you tell him that you love him, and I'll bet he's said the same to you. Next time, tell him that you KNOW he loves you and that you have realized it and you cherish it now. That's all he needs, really. You can ask him if he really knows that you love him and I'll bet he says yes. This was very important to me in the several instances of losing loved ones. When I almost died a month ago I thought to myself "does hubby REALLY know that I love him, in spite of my self-imposed guilt about not being a better wife?" (I wasn't that coherent to myself, but I knew what I meant!) It was more important to me that people know I love them, than knowing if they love me.

 

It is hard to lose someone you love. My father passed away over 30 years ago. I am on a death-watch with my mother now. I also lost two children. It is amazing how we are able to survive it - but we do survive. You will too.

 

It's normal to grieve - and however you feel is how you are supposed to feel. There are no right or wrong emotions in the grief process. That train at the end of the tunnel has not reached the track-switch yet -- it will get out of the way before it enters the tunnel and you'll see the daylight that it's blocking. Really.

 

Check out the website I linked. There is a lot of info there and others you can 'talk' with. You might also want to talk to your own clergy and/or to a grief counselor in person. That will also show your kids that its okay to hurt and to grieve, and that its okay to seek some help -- not to go through it alone. That is one of the positives of grief -- believe it or not, there are other positives to this process.

 

Our lives are all filled with "before" and "after" moments. Some are very profound. Some sad, some happy. But they change us, these moments. Not all change is bad -- even change that comes from grief and pain.

[Elmo]

This is so sad.

 

His disease is terrible. My FIL had it. I am so very sorry for you all.

 

If you are comfortible with YOUR Dr....confide in him that this situation is driving you near the edge. He may help you manage your anxiety.

 

It is going to be a very rough road for you. No medication will end it. But, take the help you can get.

 

You WILL get through this. And your Dad will go on to a better place.

 

I'll be thinking about you and wishing you strength.

[quankanne]

you have my empathy, beepo ... losing a parent is incredibly hard, even though you tell yourself it follows the natural progression of things. I'll definitely keep you in my prayers, and your family, too.

 

my mother died 13 months ago -- not unexpectedly, because we pretty much knew the diabetes was killing her slowly, but it was hard to lose the one person in our family that loved with abandon. it was doubly hard because she and I were very close pretty much since she gave birth to me, and still hurts. some days really bad and I don't know how I can get along without the one person who always made my world right; other days, still sad, but in a good way because I can look at our relationship and see the joy through all the sadness, and laugh through my tears simply because I was blessed by having her as my mom and as my friend.

 

when my dad made the decision to put her in the nursing home because he could no longer care for her alone, I thought maybe sending cards and letters at least twice a week would help cheer her up, but mostly, it helped me let her know just how much I loved her. The summer before she died, when she'd gotten really really sick and we thought she was dying, I wrote her, telling her that know that even though it hurt, I understood that she had to go and that I was so glad God gave her to me and that things would be all right. That I'd never forget what she gave to me and that I knew I would always find her inside my heart.

 

... this is hard writing, because tears are pouring down my face, but I think that maybe by sharing my experience with you, somehow, you can find some solace in knowing that there are still things you can do, that even though your daddy might be going through a pretty rough battle, it wanes in comparison to the love y'all have for each other, and that love never really can die, even though one of the principals is no longer physically there.

 

a couple of things have sustained me through the worst of times, even now, when things have calmed down: There's a lovely, lovely song that Billy Joel wrote for his daughter, called "Lullaby (goodnight my angel)." in it, he promises that no matter where she is -- or where he is -- his love for her can never, ever die because she carries it inside. This, I think, is the legacy every parent gives their child, and that child can draw strength from the endless font of love ...

 

my friends have been my strongest support throughout this whole grieving journey, helping me to keep things in perspective and always keeping me sane. Also, this forum, this LoveShack, has been a very healing balm because even though I've never met the people here, their caring concern is sincere. I honestly don't know what I'd have done without their protective arm around me when I needed it, helping me laugh when I thought I couldn't.

 

again, beepo, you have my prayers ...

 

jo anne