Lightglowabove Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 So...when a MM gives you a date (May 25th) that he will have the whole mess cleaned up (file divorce papers, him leaving her), does it ever really happen? I told him to take a leap of faith. Life coaches say when you set a date, the leap from your mind to the calendar is the moment of commitment. Has it ever really happened? Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I would think it would be hard to give a specific date. But they may give a close time in months or weeks. Some have left on given time but not many I have seen very few happen but it does. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I was given about a dozen different dates, for various things. Originally, it started out as a date when he would have moved out & filed, etc. Later the dates shifted to when he would move out, or when he would have things lined up to move out, or even one of the dates was when we would be married. Not one of the dozen ever panned out. I'm sure like another poster said, anything is possible. But, I think more times than not, its just a way to buy some time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 So...when a MM gives you a date (May 25th) that he will have the whole mess cleaned up (file divorce papers, him leaving her), does it ever really happen? I told him to take a leap of faith. Life coaches say when you set a date, the leap from your mind to the calendar is the moment of commitment. Has it ever really happened? Opinions? There was no talk of this in my A. But if someone does set an actual date that they're accountable for they better actually use it to do as they are saying, because it will seem even worse than if you're vague about it. In any case, if your MM has set a date to do what he says, he should be updating you on how it's going. So if for example the date is May 25th, it's not as though you should hear nothing about it ever until May 25th he turns up with everything or doesn't turn up at all. There should be periodic updates as all these things have steps. So with each step someone serious about it will say "Hey, I told her today" then next week or next month "Hey I filed for divorce" etc. If someone gives a date and says NOTHING ever again or vague things, most likely they are bullshiiitting. It is up to you to decide if you want to buy the bull if they don't come through and wait for other magical dates in the future or be firm about what you won't accept if they don't come through. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 There was no talk of this in my A. But if someone does set an actual date that they're accountable for they better actually use it to do as they are saying, because it will seem even worse than if you're vague about it. In any case, if your MM has set a date to do what he says, he should be updating you on how it's going. So if for example the date is May 25th, it's not as though you should hear nothing about it ever until May 25th he turns up with everything or doesn't turn up at all. There should be periodic updates as all these things have steps. So with each step someone serious about it will say "Hey, I told her today" then next week or next month "Hey I filed for divorce" etc. If someone gives a date and says NOTHING ever again or vague things, most likely they are bullshiiitting. It is up to you to decide if you want to buy the bull if they don't come through and wait for other magical dates in the future or be firm about what you won't accept if they don't come through.[/QUOTE] THIS!!! is the most important take away from this. And I urge you to try and listen to what Miss Bee is saying. (although I know its scary & hard to walk if the date comes & goes and you stay). BUT, if his date does come and go, and he does nothing except give you a ton of excuses, and you stay - - you are IMMEDIATELY settle the precedence that you will allow this to continue. EVEN if your words say you are not allowing it - - remember what we say about them - - WORDS = NOTHING - - ACTIONS = EVERYTHING!!! If your words & actions don't match, you are allowing the craziness to continue. Also, just FYI - - be prepared that when May 25th comes, your MM may go NC with you. Not that a D-day happened, but so a month or a couple weeks or whatever it is, when he comes back, he will say there might have been a D-day, and she threated to take everything, etc - - therefore he will need more time. OR he may tell you nothing - - you will be so happy to have him back, you will let it go. It seems really shady, but even if they go in with the intentions to do this or not, if they get scared - - and they don't want to lose you or their W, they will do things that even THEY never thought they could or would do. Just be cautious!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Dates are hard, exact day dates but yes it gives you a point of reference for you. Honestly the most important dates that are dates you set for certain actions of your own. You can't control what others do but you can control your own. Take that date and decide what you will do, won't do if it is hit or isn't hit. Put a game plan together for yourself and then go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 May 25th. The last Sunday in May. What makes that day so special? I would guess he is stringing you along. Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I was never given a firm date initially. Since I never asked or expected him to leave it was, initially it was enough just the idea of the whole thing. But after the first lawyer meeting for him and the realization of just what getting divorced would entail coinciding with an unexpected DDay the date never materialized which caused some resentment and frustration. Fast forward through a bunch of drama and no contact into limited contact (years) he then said he was divorcing...as in: already in the process. I said I'd believe it when it happened but until then I wasn't going to hold my breath and until then our interaction would be cordial, platonic, and email only. Early last year he said he'd be divorced by the end of the year. While he is not officially divorced now due to waiting periods and court stuff...all papers have been signed and filed. She has gone along with it but has fully utilized the time to respond according to the law which has delayed things a bit beyond his deadline. So yes, it happens, but you can't expect a third party to go along with a timeline they had no part in setting and it's naive to think the third party won't have an impact on a deadline. Also, a cautionary note, I know of more firsthand stories of deadlines being set and missed, repeatedly, than I do stories of deadlines being set and adhered too. Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) I gave my MM a date because I was leaving my M for myself, not him. My marriage was over, I had my "aha!" moment and I was done. With or without MM! I shifted our EA back into friends (if that's possible) then complete, but amicable NC. During which time I did IC and MC. And I tell you.. MC was hard! Our M was so effed up, every week I went, I dreaded the next week even more. I came to grips with abuse, abandonment, and neglect. I saw how much we crumbled. The marriage was clearly over for both of us. I was shopping attys and had an agreement filed 2 days before the day I originally told MM. I gave it a little time and then contacted the MM as friends. Something I really needed as I went through the D wringer. Do need, actually. My STBXH has since become bitter when he reached back out and I wasn't very interested. Come on, why R now when I'm finally started to get through everything in IC? No thanks. Long story short: my date happened. ES. Edited January 13, 2014 by EverySunset 1 Link to post Share on other sites
maysapphires Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 MM didn't give me a lot of dates but general goals and times he wanted them completed. I let him know when I thought he was being too optimistic because I never wanted him to feel like he was failing. He's always done what he's said he will even if it wasn't immediately and he showed signs along the way he was working towards the goal. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Time and actions will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Well, I guess this makes me a little different. We did make a date. I made sure of it. He and I simply decided together that by the date he would be moved out and have filed for divorce. If he hadn't followed through I would have ended the relationship. I knew I couldn't go on like that forever. We had a d day before that, and he left the marriage. we're together now. But... I think by the date we made, he would do what he said. I agree with got it on this, the date can't be to make him do something, only that if by then something hadn't happened what my actions would be. Link to post Share on other sites
LeftAlone83 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 One night.. I actually asked my exMM for a timeline. Not a specific date.. just an estimated time that he could see himself leaving his W and being with me. He couldn't. I kept asking him very simple questions that he wasn't able to, or willing to answer. That was probably my first moment of clarity that he had never planned to ever actually leave his W. It could be a very good sign that your MM gave you a date.. men tend to be logical creatures. Maybe you can ask your MM what the significance of the date is.. or why he chose that specific day. If he has a legit plan and reason.. he may be serious. If he fumbles trying to find something that sounds good.. he may be stringing you along. I hope that whatever the truth is.. it's the thing that will make you happiest. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 So...when a MM gives you a date (May 25th) that he will have the whole mess cleaned up (file divorce papers, him leaving her), does it ever really happen? I told him to take a leap of faith. Life coaches say when you set a date, the leap from your mind to the calendar is the moment of commitment. Has it ever really happened? Opinions? He did not set a date. He said he would leave her when he found a suitable place to live, and he did. He said he would file for D when he found a suitable lawyer, and he did. Setting dates, IMO, is simply setting oneself up to fail. People act when they are ready to act. A deadline does not make anyone more ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts