LK30 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) Hi all, Been with my girlfriend almost 10 months now (we're both 34) and really worried because she is a really lovely girl but there are times where I have doubts about her and I go quiet on her. We work together and partly in a relationship now because at the Xmas night out last year I flirted with her (she had recently divorced her husband) and I ended up kissing her several times that night. My workmate (male) and I walked her and our other workmate (female) back to their hotel room at the end of the night. Everyone was drunk and my mate kissed the girl (who is now my girlfriend but wasn't at the time). It annoyed me as she had been kissing me all evening but she responded. He then put her on the bed but she told him she wouldn't go that far. The next day my mate (although I haven't thought of him as much of one since) told me that she said on way to hotel room that she'd sleep with him if I slept with the other girl in our group. I don't know why but this alleged comment she made has always bothered me. I think it's because I feel second best, although I'm certain this is in my head as she's never made me feel that way. Typically he's a charmer, good looking, confident etc. it annoyed me because he knew I had been kissing her and I think he just wanted some of the action as he thinks he's the 'alpha' male. I did confront her in the summer about the incident although she denied saying it. I can't help thinking she did say it which might explain why he made the move in the hotel room. He said he wouldn't have gone that far anyway. I think I'm quite a jealous person anyway and I guess it didn't help hearing from her one night a few months ago that she slept with about 20 men between the ages of 16 and 21. She told me she got in with the wrong crowd. I've seen her out a few times and from being a lovely girl alcohol does influence her and I find others influence her too. She rarely goes out (as has a young child) but she's out next weekend. I do worry a bit about trust and I told her this and I ended up going for counselling for couple of months before Xmas. It did help but feel that I'll never erase this thoughts completely from my mind for good. The other night I made an excuse not to see her, and I've had little contact with her all weekend (unusual for me). I've also blocked her on FB. I don't know why and don't think she's noticed. I really know I can't just walk away as I've built up a really good thing and my family love her too. I know I'd get a right earbashing if I did, and I don't think I want to walk away as I'd regret it. Thought I'd moved on but clearly have the occasional relapses. I don't want to have flashbacks like this and worries every couple of months because the relationship is getting quite serious now. Anyone got any thoughts? Many thanks Edited January 12, 2014 by LK30 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi all, Been with my girlfriend almost 10 months now (we're both 34) and really worried because she is a really lovely girl but there are times where I have doubts about her and I go quiet on her. We work together and partly in a relationship now because at the Xmas night out last year I flirted with her (she had recently divorced her husband) and I ended up kissing her several times that night. My workmate (male) and I walked her and our other workmate (female) back to their hotel room at the end of the night. Everyone was drunk and my mate kissed the girl (who is now my girlfriend but wasn't at the time). It annoyed me as she had been kissing me all evening but she responded. He then put her on the bed but she told him she wouldn't go that far. The next day my mate (although I haven't thought of him as much of one since) told me that she said on way to hotel room that she'd sleep with him if I slept with the other girl in our group. I don't know why but this alleged comment she made has always bothered me. I think it's because I feel second best, although I'm certain this is in my head as she's never made me feel that way. Typically he's a charmer, good looking, confident etc. it annoyed me because he knew I had been kissing her and I think he just wanted some of the action as he thinks he's the 'alpha' male. I did confront her in the summer about the incident although she denied saying it. I can't help thinking she did say it which might explain why he made the move in the hotel room. He said he wouldn't have gone that far anyway. I think I'm quite a jealous person anyway and I guess it didn't help hearing from her one night a few months ago that she slept with about 20 men between the ages of 16 and 21. She told me she got in with the wrong crowd. I've seen her out a few times and from being a lovely girl alcohol does influence her and I find others influence her too. She rarely goes out (as has a young child) but she's out next weekend. I do worry a bit about trust and I told her this and I ended up going for counselling for couple of months before Xmas. It did help but feel that I'll never erase this thoughts completely from my mind for good. The other night I made an excuse not to see her, and I've had little contact with her all weekend (unusual for me). I've also blocked her on FB. I don't know why and don't think she's noticed. I really know I can't just walk away as I've built up a really good thing and my family love her too. I know I'd get a right earbashing if I did, and I don't think I want to walk away as I'd regret it. Thought I'd moved on but clearly have the occasional relapses. I don't want to have flashbacks like this and worries every couple of months because the relationship is getting quite serious now. Anyone got any thoughts? Many thanks You already are walking away, OP. If I were her, I'd take these as signs that things were going downhill. She will eventually notice and she will not be happy. Also, blocking her online for no reason? Sorry, I don't buy that. You are feeling jealous and angry at her and punishing her. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be upset by what happened, but don't play it off like you have no idea why you blocked her. You know why. I think you're not as invested in this as you once were but are tying to convince yourself to stay (family loves her, you've built up something with her, etc) It is clear you don't completely trust her and I don't entirely blame you for that. I can understand why you're bothered by the events of Christmas last year. But unless you get in the present and deal with these trust issues head-on, they will only eat away at whatever feelings you do still have for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LK30 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 Thank you ExpatInItaly. I do really need to work through it I agree. I can't face telling her as we had a conversation about 6 months ago and she said she felt so bad and I really needed to move on from it. I think it would destroy me if we separated. Despite that incident she's been the best thing to ever happen to me. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Don't let this issue sabotage that. If you have concerns about her drinking or behaviour when she's under the influence of her friends, talk to her openly about it. Don't accuse her or put her on the defensive. If she hasn't done anything during the course of your relationship to compromise your trust, try to work through it. Has anything happened in the time you've been official? You seem uneasy about nights out. Is this just general worry, or has something happened before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LK30 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 I think the reality is we all put our lovers on a pedestal. What I mean is their our lovers for a reason, and we find them attractive, and we therefore think other find them attractive. I know what it's like on nights out...people drink, people flirt more and men often surround women. She's attractive so would be odd if she didn't get attention and she hasn't got a sign above her head saying don't approach me I'm taken! There was another incident involving a work night out in July last year (I can hear you yawning!) where she got very drunk and I was sober, so I found it a bit embarrassing as she wanted my attention and I'm not great at public affection. Typically another lad in our team (who is married but has always fancied her) was a bit flirty with her. She said to him 'oh my boyfriend won't give me any attention' so he said I will and kissed her on the lips. She didn't reach to him and it wasn't an open mouthed kiss. I think she just let him go to her. I confronted her the next day and she said she was so sorry and would never do that again. She did feel I was overreacting slightly too. She even bought me a present to say sorry and I believe she was genuinely hurt that I was so upset. Yes I'm a bit apprehensive about next weekend, but I can't and wouldn't stop her going out. I guess everyone is in same position as me! Link to post Share on other sites
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