xxAlicexx Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi I would like some advice from you guys about an issue with my boyfriend! We are dating for a couple of months now and I recently found out my boyfriend still contacts his ex. In fact it isnt his ex but his former friend with benefits (they split about 8 months ago because she wanted a serious relationship with him and he wasn't ready for something like that at the time). They aren't friends, don't have any mutual friends or something like that so I think its weird for them to still talk to each other. I found about them texting when I was searching for a number in his phone and saw he still has her number in his phone, I was curious about her so I checked his inbox and yes they texted several times, but the worst thing about it is that he is the one who initiates the contact, she never does. He texted her for her birthday, about some picture on Facebook etc.. That is also the reason why I cant talk about it with him because then he will found out that I checked his inbox. He never mentions her and when we run into her he acts normal "hey how you doing" and thats it.. So it feels like he is trying to keep it a secret.. In about two weeks there is a party where he is invited (I'm not) and she will be there too, I actually want to talk about her before that.. Should I do that? Why would he text his ex if he is happy with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Sand Man Dan Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Break up with him. Whether he's cheated on you or not, this is not innocent. That's not behavior of the man you wanna marry. Right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 I understand you saying that but apart from that things are great between us, he is being sweet and we have a lot in common. I dont want to lose him over this, maybe I see things that aren't there? You really think I should break up with him? They only have texted 4 or 5 times since he and I got official... I just dont know why he still feels the need to contact her? Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Are the texts innocent in nature? I would ask him if he keeps in touch with anyone from his past he was intimate with. If he says no ask him if he would tell you if there was contact. If he says yes then you know he is not trustworthy... Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Trust your intuition. If they aren't friends and have no mutual friends and he plays things off when they run into each other......I'd be suspicious. If it's nothing, there'd be no reason to hide it. More importantly though, you snooped. I feel that snooping is only ok in one case and that's when you already have one foot out the door, because once you snoop there's no trust. You had a feeling, you snooped, you obviously don't trust him. Why are you with him? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi I would like some advice from you guys about an issue with my boyfriend! We are dating for a couple of months now and I recently found out my boyfriend still contacts his ex. In fact it isnt his ex but his former friend with benefits (they split about 8 months ago because she wanted a serious relationship with him and he wasn't ready for something like that at the time). They aren't friends, don't have any mutual friends or something like that so I think its weird for them to still talk to each other. I found about them texting when I was searching for a number in his phone and saw he still has her number in his phone, I was curious about her so I checked his inbox and yes they texted several times, but the worst thing about it is that he is the one who initiates the contact, she never does. He texted her for her birthday, about some picture on Facebook etc.. That is also the reason why I cant talk about it with him because then he will found out that I checked his inbox. He never mentions her and when we run into her he acts normal "hey how you doing" and thats it.. So it feels like he is trying to keep it a secret.. In about two weeks there is a party where he is invited (I'm not) and she will be there too, I actually want to talk about her before that.. Should I do that? Why would he text his ex if he is happy with me? If they have no mutual acquaintances, how is it that they will be at the same party? Why aren't you invited, and how do you know she is going? I think the nature of the text messages is important here too. What did they say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 mammasita I trust him but I was just curious if she would have been contacting him but I found out that he was the one contacting her.. The texts arent extremely flirty or personal. The only weird thing is that in one text he was using his petname for her and he wished her happy new year and when to sleep after he sended her the text. But I dont see why he feels the need to contact a girl he isnt friends with and she was only a FWB ExpatInItaly I know this because it is her niece's party and the niece has a brother who went to the same highschool as my boyfriend.. She didnt invited me and I dont want to go because I dont know anyone there Link to post Share on other sites
Trapito Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hmm.. Tough one.. I wouldn't feel comfortable either when I would accidentally stumble upon text messages between your bf and his ex-FWB. Indeed, ask him if he keeps in touch with ex's, then you will have your awnser. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 I know he hates a jealous gf so Im afraid to ask him about it and Im also afraid if he says yes I would like to keep in touch with her I would feel jealous and snoop in his phone again to see if they have a lot of contact. I just dont want them to have contact, mainly because she is pretty but because I dont see the point of having contact with a former FWB, I would only do that if I want to keep my options open and if that is his reason I would be heartbroken Link to post Share on other sites
Trapito Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 When you don't ask, you will never get an awnser. If he tells you 'yes, you can tell it makes you feel uncomfortable. He obviously is hiding this, that's never a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 mammasita I trust him but I was just curious if she would have been contacting him but I found out that he was the one contacting her.. The texts arent extremely flirty or personal. The only weird thing is that in one text he was using his petname for her and he wished her happy new year and when to sleep after he sended her the text. But I dont see why he feels the need to contact a girl he isnt friends with and she was only a FWB ExpatInItaly I know this because it is her niece's party and the niece has a brother who went to the same highschool as my boyfriend.. She didnt invited me and I dont want to go because I dont know anyone there I'm confused about this. Who did the inviting - The niece or the former FWB? I find it a bit odd that your boyfriend didn't ask you to go along anyway, unless this is some kind of formal event. Did you boyfriend tell you that she was going? How does he know that? In any case, it appears they do indeed have mutual acquaintances. Just ask him flat-out if he keeps in touch with former intimate partners. If he says no, you'll have proof he is a liar. If he says yes, ask him why. I would be uncomfortable with the texting too, especially since he is the one initiating and using a pet name. I find that very inappropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I know he hates a jealous gf so Im afraid to ask him about it and Im also afraid if he says yes I would like to keep in touch with her I would feel jealous and snoop in his phone again to see if they have a lot of contact. I just dont want them to have contact, mainly because she is pretty but because I dont see the point of having contact with a former FWB, I would only do that if I want to keep my options open and if that is his reason I would be heartbroken Avoding the subject isn't going to make your relationship any stronger, nor help you. Wouldn't you rather know sooner than later if 1) he's trying to keep his options open? 2) he's the type of guy who's cool with having a bunch of female friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Trapito Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 I'm confused about this. Who did the inviting - The niece or the former FWB? I find it a bit odd that your boyfriend didn't ask you to go along anyway, unless this is some kind of formal event. Did you boyfriend tell you that she was going? How does he know that? In any case, it appears they do indeed have mutual acquaintances. Just ask him flat-out if he keeps in touch with former intimate partners. If he says no, you'll have proof he is a liar. If he says yes, ask him why. I would be uncomfortable with the texting too, especially since he is the one initiating and using a pet name. I find that very inappropriate. ^^^ This! Just ask him or you will start to wonder more and more, it will eat you away. Link to post Share on other sites
Trapito Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 Avoding the subject isn't going to make your relationship any stronger, nor help you. Wouldn't you rather know sooner than later if 1) he's trying to keep his options open? 2) he's the type of guy who's cool with having a bunch of female friends? ^^^ Aaand this! You are getting really sound advice here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 yes you are right Trapito but if Im true to myself I need to realize that she is still on his mind somehow or else he wouldnt initiate the contact.. ExpatInItaly the niece did the inviting but he told me he is going and I dont see any reason why the former FWB wouldnt go to this party.. Maybe Im mistaken but I think they both will be there. I dont find it a bit odd, because I dont know the girl and he is going with a friend (his friend doesnt bring his gf either) Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 you are so right mammsita, thank you! I know the only female "friends" he has are his friends girlfriends, his female co-workers and female friends his sisters has. He isnt a guy who would go on a casual date to have coffee with one of them, he just hangs out with his male friends About the fact if he is keeping his options open, I dont know but I will try to found out soon Link to post Share on other sites
Trapito Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Alice, just ask him. At this moment you are hurting yourself with 'what if's'. Rip the bandaid of, then you will have your awnser. You are prolonging your agony and hurt. RIP IT OF! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Not sure if you should trust him. A simple 'hi how are you' text to an ex or a former fwb is fishing behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 deathandtaxes he doesnt text her things like how you doing but stupid things to get in touch like I saw a picture of your mother on facebook thats funny.. ?!? He doesnt have to text her about that so its like he is trying to found a reason to talk to her, even if it doesnt make any sense. What do you think if Im asking you: why would a guy contacts his former FWB if he is in relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 deathandtaxes he doesnt text her things like how you doing but stupid things to get in touch like I saw a picture of your mother on facebook thats funny.. ?!? He doesnt have to text her about that so its like he is trying to found a reason to talk to her, even if it doesnt make any sense. What do you think if Im asking you: why would a guy contacts his former FWB if he is in relationship? There is no reason for a guy to contact a former fwb if he's in a relationship. He's fishing. He's hoping she responds. Once he's hooked her in, he may hope to steer the conversation somewhere else. It's shady for him to be doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Yes you are right deathandtaxes but he isnt a cheater, his exgirlfriend (another girl, real gf) cheat on him and it almost took a year to get over her he said so Im pretty sure he doesnt contacted his former fwb for sex... Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Also thank you trapito for your respons! you are right!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Yes you are right deathandtaxes but he isnt a cheater, his exgirlfriend (another girl, real gf) cheat on him and it almost took a year to get over her he said so Im pretty sure he doesnt contacted his former fwb for sex... That's because she won't respond to him. He is fishing. Or he's being a little bit emotionally abusive. Texting a woman that HE rejected is not cool. I will second Trapito's advice. Ask him about it. Come clean. Clear the air. If you want there to be trust in the relationship, you have to tell him that you looked at the messages. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxAlicexx Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 I need to follow your advice and I will even if it means losing him, because honesty and trust is so important in a relationship. Like you said deathandtaxes: I need to clear the air 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 deathandtaxes he doesnt text her things like how you doing but stupid things to get in touch like I saw a picture of your mother on facebook thats funny.. ?!? He doesnt have to text her about that so its like he is trying to found a reason to talk to her, even if it doesnt make any sense. What do you think if Im asking you: why would a guy contacts his former FWB if he is in relationship? Because he's keeping his doors open. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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