A few ideas for those who have had an affair

[Miffy]

Lots of advice has been dotted throughout but I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread which deals with quick advice that can easily be read when in a hurry or needing geeing up.

 

This thread is meant for people who have had an affair, know its wrong, want to end affair or have done and are needing techniques to get over it - like a sort of growing on line self help book!

 

Please no nasty comments, only constructive ones wanted on this thread from either people who have had affairs and have advice/good techniques they can pass on for getting over it or those in the midst of getting over it who have some ideas.

 

I am one of the guilty too and thought it would be a good way to collect ideas to help each other!

 

Thanks to anyone who offers constructive advice x

[tiki]

When you say it, mean it. Then never go back.

 

Set yourself free. Find true love. You deserve it.

 

Find that man/woman that can invest all of his/her time with you. You'll never want to go back after you've seen what another can contribute to your life.

[Owl]

Here's pretty much the same advice I've given a bunch of people...good or not is up to you. Don't know if anyone agrees with it, but it's something to think about.

 

1. Break it ALL off with your OM/OW for at least six months. If they're your "soul mate", your "other half", then six months should mean nothing, right? You should just want them all the more after that. Tell them that you need it to make sure that what you feel is true, and tell that they need to learn the same thing for themselves.

 

2. Confess to your spouse EVERYTHING. Tell them what you feel, why, etc... Tell them EVERYTHING about your affair(s). Leave nothing out. A marriage is based on trust and communication...both of which have been destroyed by the affair. In order for anything to be rebuilt, it HAS to be founded in the truth.

 

3. Decide after that WITH your spouse if there is anything left to salvage in your marriage. Its NOT just your choice...this is their marriage too you know. The choice as to whether or not there is enough left in a marriage after an affair belongs to both parties, not just to one or the other. If either party is too hurt or unwilling to put forth their full effort in re-building the marriage, then it's probably not going to succeed regardless.

 

4. If you decide to stay...then WORK at it for six months. Go to counseling. MAINTAIN AN NC with your OP for the whole time...the timer starts over with every email, text message, call, or contact of any kind!!! Try to look for the person you fell in love with in your spouse years ago. And, if after six months you still feel nothing for them, and still just HAVE to be with your OP, and you've been totally honest and maintained NC with them for that time...then file a divorce and begin working on leaving your spouse.

 

5. If you decide NOT to stay with your spouse, or if they decide to leave you...then break off your affair until after you've completed your divorce. Again, it should make your time with your OPall the better when it resumes, and if it's "true love" then they'll still be there for you.

 

Again, this is pretty much my thoughts...it's not based off of any book or counseling...mostly from what I've seen in my own life and in what I've gathered from the people here on LS.

[Mr Spock]

Make a decision as to WHAT you want. That's the biggest thing, IMO. Do you WANT to stop having the affair? If yes, then take the advice above. If NO, judge if losing your marriage etc is worth it. Go back to the first step. If you still want to have the affair, it's time to come clean and leave. If you don't, then it's time to come clean with the other half and let them go.

[whichwayisup]

Good advice Owl...

 

The other thing is really take care of yourself. I haven't been all the way down that whole path where any of you are, but had a temptation, a crush...Nothing came of it, thankfully!!

 

One thing I can say, treat it like a 'breakup' like a regular relationship or even a 'death'. You will need to keep busy, concentrate on good things, positive energy and keep busy! Involved yourself in things you love to do, see movies and be with friends and family. If you're single and alone it makes it harder but do not spend ALOT of time alone cuz that will just make it worse and give you more time to think about life and that particular situation.

 

I remember when my boyfriend way back when I was younger broke up with me. I called him so much, he ignored me and that pain I felt...So dismissed and disrespected. Made me feel horrible and ofcourse being a female I internatized it and made even more of an effort to get him back. I did make such a fool of myself!! But at 18 what do you expect. Not much to go on...So with that, bring in your past experiences, how you've handled yourself and just know NOONE DIES from a broken heart...Even though you may feel like it at times.

 

Treating it as a death is kinda what it is, just that the person is still 'out there'. You can Fool the mind into just about anything. And remember, takes 30 days to make a habit and 30 days to break it.

 

Hope this helps abit and take it by day by. Ride the rollercoaster but know eventually it WILL STOP!! Because each of you have the power to make it stop...No matter how hard it is, it can be done.

 

Do that list...Pros/cons about that person. Abit immature, so what, if it helps get you through the next phrase of acceptance that they are gone then I say DO IT, why not??? In the end maybe you will see the bad out weighs the good and then it is time to move on you'll see even though those feelings were strong you see that person really wasn't all cracked up you once thought they were.

[tiki]

Even if you never get caught, you'll still find that your affair was not worth it. All the years of wasted energy, devotion and dedication down the drain. You could've been busy getting on with your own life.

[Owl]

Hehe, short, sweet, and to the point Mr Spock! And of course right on the money. The biggest problem seems to be that a lot of the people who get involved in affairs don't WANT to make that decision. That's where they get stuck for the longest time....waffling back and forth between wanting the OP or the spouse. So yup...step one is make up your mind. If you can't...then you need to do something to HELP you work out your priorities...which a seperation from one or the other can help you do. Since the author of the thread specified someone who wanted to end the affair...that was the slant I took.

[only1life]

Communicate! Both sides must. No secrets. No hidden agendas.

 

If seeing a councilor, be sure the councilor has experience on affairs. Marriage councilors do not qualify, unless they can understand the feelings that both of you are going thru, if they don't, they may do more harm than good.

 

In case counciling is not possible (due to cost or whatever) read the book "After the Affair:" by Janis Spring. Easy to read, there's a chapter for each of you, and it doesn't cost much. Best of all, it'll reassure you that life can continue, and indeed, can be as good (in a different sort of way) as it was before. It'll also help you decide if getting back together is worthwhile.

 

But it won't be easy. And it's going to take a long time. But in the end, it is quite possible that life can be good again.

 

I know, I've been there. Sigh.

[whichwayisup]

Oh yeah...DO not lose your sense of humour. That will help. Laughing and being silly is good and fun. Cures those heartaches.

[Bronzepen]

How to avoid an affair.

 

 

If you meet a person of the opposite sex. Ask yourself this question.

 

 

If I was single and the other person was single, would I date him/her?

 

 

If the answer is yes, maybe, I have to think about it, then your in danger.

 

 

Walk away from the "friendship" before it evolves to something you might regret.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Bronzepen

How to avoid an affair.

 

 

If you meet a person of the opposite sex. Ask yourself this question.

 

 

If I was single and the other person was single, would I date him/her?

 

 

If the answer is yes, maybe, I have to think about it, then your in danger.

 

 

Walk away from the "friendship" before it evolves to something you might regret.

 

 

Hmmm, wish I would of thought about this b4 the A happened between H and the OW. Several months b4 the A H was talking about her a lot. I flat out asked him if he wasn't married would he sleep w/ her, his answer was "Yes, if I wasn't married." What a jerk! I should of known something was WRONG then.

[Mr Spock]

I'm suprised he was even honest with you then stillhurtin-most would deny and say "she's not my type" whist whacking off in the can to her image.

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

I'm suprised he was even honest with you then stillhurtin-most would deny and say "she's not my type" whist whacking off in the can to her image.

 

 

Spock, I hate being lied to but sometimes wouldn't it make more sense to lie to your spouse if they asked you this? I didn't know how to take his honesty when I asked him if he would sleep w/ her. Was he being a pr!ck by being honest, or should he had lied and said "no." At what point is lying for the best? I believe honesty is the best policy.

He lied to me so much when he was having the A and I know hard b/c he has never (so he says) lied to me. He told me it was the hard to lie to me about the A.

 

When we sold our home my ex bf was there the day we moved (he is friends w/ the buyer). H asked me when we left if I got hot and bothered. I didn't, I was more embarrassed to see him. I didn't really feel any sparks there, but seeing him again did bring back memories. Would I sleep w/ him again if we both weren't married? I don't think I would, but it is hard to answer that b/c I am married and I have no desire to sleep w/ him again. If I wanted to I would of went after him when he got D the first time.