Boyfriend's dad might have taken my pain pills

[nescafe1982]

So I ran into a weird situation today, and don't know what to do (if anything).

 

I had oral surgery earlier this week, and was prescribed some strong stuff to help manage the pain. I stopped taking them yesterday but there were four or five left in the bottle, sitting on the kitchen counter with other meds I'm taking after the operation.

 

My boyfriend's dad came to visit today and spent most of the afternoon with us. He's a lifelong alcoholic, like to the point where my boyfriend doesn't call him after 4 pm because he doesn't want to hear his dad drunk. He's not a bad man, but is very sick and we keep him at arm's length most of the time.

 

Well, after dad left today, I went to take my afternoon dose of antibiotics. I noticed that where there used to be four or five hydrocodone tabs, there are now only two pills.

 

His dad is the only person who would have had access to the bottle, except for my boyfriend and myself.

 

Should I say anything? Do I chalk it up to my own thoughtlessness for leaving the bottle out in the open like that, knowing an alcoholic and possible addict would find them? Do I tell my boyfriend, and risk really creating a rift between him and his dad? This is totally new territory for me and I don't know what good would come from telling him. But on the other hand, I don't know if I should just ignore it.

 

Edit to add: to clarify, I hadn't actually counted the pills before his dad came over. But I am almost certain there were more than 2 in the bottle this morning.

Edited January 13, 2014 by nescafe1982

[Eau Claire]

As a nurse I say a big 'no'. If they were taken, this is his father's problem and not yours. Don't get involved. It's not being a pushover but knowing in life what fights to pick. If he took your meds, then it is a sign of someone with an addiction who is not rational. Addictive people are poison to the lives of those around them. Don't let it poison anything between you and your boyfriend. I would guess that your boyfriend already has a full plate of stress putting out fires started by his father.

 

On the plus side, congrats on stopping the pain meds when you didn't

need the 'big guns' anymore. It's a sign of character. If you ever have a pain issue and a doctor asks about any previous narcotics, be sure to mention that you didn't need the full prescription. It indicates that you don't have an addictive personality.

 

Anyways, lesson learned. If you have anyone over, never leave prescription meds out on a counter or in bathroom cabinets, etc.

Edited January 13, 2014 by Eau Claire

[nescafe1982]

I think you're right Eau Claire. I'm usually an "honesty is the best policy" kind of gal, but what good could possibly come from disclosing this issue to my boyfriend? He's already got a strained relationship with dad, his dad is already sick and unwilling to get better, and he (my boyfriend) is already aware that his dad does some pretty selfish, irrational things.

 

I'm pretty sure staying mum is the thing to do. Thanks for giving me some perspective, though. It's nice to have some validation here, as it's new territory for me.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm in agreement that you don't say anything. You have nothing to gain by saying something (dad will feel accused, he may actually be innocent, your bf might take his dad's side, even if his dad did take them you can't get them back and it will make him feel like **** to know he was found out). Let it go and remember in future not to leave anything out around him.

 

People with substance dependencies are not in the right frame of mind, they are not well. Don't turn this into a storm with no positive outcome, just let it go I'm sure it would upset your boyfriend to think that his dad had stolen pills from his girlfriend. It's extra pain the child of someone with alcohol problems doesn't need, he already knows his dad.

[spiderowl]

Can't you ask your boyfriend if he took the pills? If he didn't, he's bound to ask why. You can then mention that there were so many in there and that there aren't any more and you didn't take them. Let him draw his own conclusions. He will probably know if it's likely his dad took them.

 

Sorry you are both in this situation really. Alcoholism is a terrible illness and it's awful to see someone hurting themselves like this. It must be hard for your boyfriend to see his dad like that.

[nescafe1982]

Sorry you are both in this situation really. Alcoholism is a terrible illness and it's awful to see someone hurting themselves like this. It must be hard for your boyfriend to see his dad like that.

 

Thanks. It's not easy. My boyfriend is a wonderful man, but he grew up watching his dad spiral completely out of control: adultery, DUIs, separation from his mom, divorce, custody battles, hospitalization, fighting over the family home, gambling, the whole nightmare. His dad isn't an ***-hole; he's quite charming actually, even in his diminished capacity, slightly wet-brained present state.. But he's easily one of the most selfish men I've ever met.

 

If it's been difficult for me to process how I feel about the man... I can only imagine how difficult all of this has been for my boyfriend. He's torn between his desire for a father-son relationship (which he couldn't get as a child), and coming to terms with his father's limited capacity to give anything resembling a genuine human relationship to him. He doesn't talk about it much. I just try to be there for him, and be supportive of his decision to maintain this relationship.

 

My dad is also an addict and a narcissist, so I am familiar with most of the obstacles that addictions bring to a family. But I have to admit, I think there is some special level of complication for my boyfriend and his dad... something having to do with the way that fathers and sons relate. My dad and I simply wrote each other off very early on. That kind of thing just isn't possible for my spouse.

Edited January 14, 2014 by nescafe1982

[D-Lish]

I think if you were positive you had more pills, you should have told your boyfriend. You're not positive there are pills missing, so I'd let it go and be much more diligent about child-proofing your house the next time the father visits.

 

Your boyfriend probably wouldn't be surprised if you were to bring this up- he has dealt with the man for years.

 

I'm a fan of holding people accountable for their actions. In your case, you aren't sure you had more pills, so it's probably best to let this slide.

 

I went through a period after my divorce where I drank myself silly most nights. I made a lot of bad choices during that time while I was drunk. I never stole, but I put myself in some pretty bad situations and did some very stupid things. I respect my friends and family that held me accountable during those dark years- that's what prompted me to put my life back in order.

 

Being a drunk shouldn't be an excuse to get away with doing bad things.

[gaius]

Christ brings back memories of when my mother lifted my vicodin after I had oral surgery.

 

I followed everyones advice and didn't make a stink, just treated her like a junkie from that day forward. Seems to have worked out for the best. No way i was getting the pills back.

[whichwayisup]

Chances are he did take some, but since you're not 100% sure exactly how many pills were left in the bottle, it's best not to say anything. Just remember always to hide your pills, keep them with you or in your purse, not laying around at all, even when other company comes over, just in case.

 

Keeping quiet about this is probably for the best unless your bf brings it up.

[nescafe1982]

Chances are he did take some, but since you're not 100% sure exactly how many pills were left in the bottle, it's best not to say anything.

 

Right. Because there is a remote, outside possibility that he did not sneak the pills, I really don't feel as though making an accusation will be fruitful or hold anyone accountable. I think if this man were a peer or a younger person, or someone who had any chance of changing at all, my feelings might be different. But his dad has never, and will never, seek treatment for his alcoholism, and his brain is at least halfway gone as it is. His brand of this disease is terminal, sadly, and these are (my boyfriend tells me) the final years of his life. He's about 62 years old.

 

I'm 99.9% certain that he took at least two, maybe three pills from the jar. But is that .01% doubt worth the potential fallout of disclosing the matter? Probably not.

 

In hindsight, I guess it was pretty silly to leave that stuff out in the open. We just moved in here 3 months ago and haven't had many guests yet, so stuff is just sort of wherever.

 

anyway, thanks for the perspectives on this! Makes me feel a bit better about my decision.

[LuckyLady13]

Nescafe1982, I don't quite agree with everyone about this. I'm surprised Eau Claire didn't bring up the fact that mixing hydrocodone with alcohol can be very dangerous. You're saying this guy has been an alcoholic for a long time so his liver is probably shot. That just makes the situation worse. People like him really have a disease. My father has this same disease and my boyfriends father died from it.

 

If you're coming from the right place within your heart about this, be honest with your boyfriend exactly the way you were in your original post. From what you know, you had more than two in the bottle, your boyfriends dad was around and then there were only two. You are 99% positive about this. Tell him you don't want anyone accusing his dad of anything. That's not productive and could be counterproductive but make your boyfriend aware that it's possible his dad took the pills and may have ingested them with alcohol which can be dangerous and even fatal and you have to make sure in the future nothing like these pills can be left out in the open when this man is around.

 

If something happened to his dad, no, it would not be your fault. My own father wouldn't hesitate for two seconds if I left hydrocodone out in the open and left the room for a minute to get his hands in there and grab some to take home to have with a few beers. It's upsetting in a way but you really do get used to this behavior from people like this and just...start to work around it. I'd never leave pills like that around because I know my dad. He'd give in to temptation.

 

Are you sure your boyfriend would get upset by the situation being that he's used to his dad being like this? He might be too used to it by now to get upset.

 

If you don't say anything, what are you going to do if your boyfriend is next at the dentist and has pills like this and his dad comes around? Sneak around and hide his pills while dad visits without telling him what's going on? Or leave them there out in the open knowing what you know?

 

Like I said, if his dad does take pills of this nature, it's not your fault but if something did happen to this man, are you going to feel okay if he hurts himself with pills he got from your house? It would take a real cold person to not care or brush it off and say "well, he did it to himself".

 

Know what I mean?

[HokeyReligions]

We have to pick our battles and I think you are wise not to pick this one. There is no good that can come of it. Keep it to yourself and be comforted knowing you made the right choice to protect your guy from more hurt.