LeftAlone83 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 This question goes out to all the MM or MW that have initiated the break up of an A with a SW/SM due to children: My exMM has two small children (10 and 8), and he said that he had to end our A because he was afraid it would get back to them, and they would end up hating him. Also he didn't want to have to tear up the home they lived in. Along with that, he said he was so in love with me that he thought about me all the time, and cursed his life. That if it weren't for his children, he would be with me, and marry me without a second thought. That he chose me over his wife every time. I understand his not wanting to disturb his children's home.. and I respected his decision. But it also kills me to think that he might regret not leaving his wife for me, and be additionally unhappy in his marriage. I truly love him.. and want him to be happy in life, and with his decision. My question is.. how many MM/MW that fell in love with another woman/man stayed with their W or H because you shared children?? And did you regret not choosing the OW/OM in the future, or were you happy with your decision to stay?? Or if you did leave your W/H for the OW/OM.. did it have a devastating impact on your children?? P.S. He emailed me stating that he loved me, and hoped that I would understand why he made the decision he did. He said he didn't want to lose my friendship, and was sad that it had to end. (short version) Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I know one MM who had an affair when his kids were that little. He made arrangements to leave, at the last minute OW couldn't go through with doing that to his kids. Their affair limped to a painful end. Very public. Fast forward after five years of a painful/faked marriage and he does meet someone else and leaves. His kids despise him 20 years later. Today, it would be a case of parental alienation. So, while there is certainly no guarantee, your ex may eventuality find happiness. Possibly at home or possibly with another after the kids are grown. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Keep in mind what he is giving up for the unknown aka you. yes he may really love you and be very attached but everything is in an affair setting, behind closed doors, away from "life". your family, friends, his family, friends. What he feels for you may not be enough (so it seems now) to give up everything he's known and worked hard for (kind of ironic since he risked it to begin with), to ruin his family unit as one. No way can you be friends with him, so please don't entertain thoughts that it'll happen. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeftAlone83 Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Keep in mind what he is giving up for the unknown aka you. What he feels for you may not be enough (so it seems now) to give up everything he's known and worked hard for (kind of ironic since he risked it to begin with), to ruin his family unit as one. whichwayisup.. I completely understand what you are saying here. Before the holidays, I believe my MM was truly contemplating leaving his family to be with me. He mentioned marriage to me several times, and even talked about looking at homes together. (in close vicinity to his current home so he could see his children as much as possible) It's been a constant back and forth since between right before Christmas and the New Year. I think having all of his extended family visit reminded my MM that by leaving his W, he wasn't just divorcing her.. but many many people. (in-laws, extended family on her side, etc) He said he felt "stuck".. and that he "couldn't get out". It breaks my heart to hear that.. especially since I love him so much, and am fighting my urges to want to live my life with him. Hearing that he might end up with someone else in the future breaks my heart too.. because a part of me will always wonder if I had just waited it out a little longer.. could it have been me?? Link to post Share on other sites
Britain Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I believe many feel stuck as in great pressure if they are in deep with extended family and friends. Your MM sounds as if this is his turmoil. I had a rough ending with MM, uninvited drama, hurt, and I ended up fessing to the BS. I would have thought that the ultimate betrayal and he would never speak to me again. MM is handsome, well to do,and successful, and he came back to me. This does confuse me, why come back after all this back drop, the Ddays, long arduous reconciliation. He could of very easily found a new AP. There must be something. I am strong although so weak, and have a difficult time too at staying away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 He said he felt "stuck".. and that he "couldn't get out". It breaks my heart to hear that.. especially since I love him so much, and am fighting my urges to want to live my life with him. Hearing that he might end up with someone else in the future breaks my heart too.. because a part of me will always wonder if I had just waited it out a little longer.. could it have been me?? This is going to sound harsh, but know that I in the exact same spot as you so I'm not throwing shade because my now exMM has one child who is 5 -- but you have to let go. I'm 4 days No Contact because the fact remains that he chose his wife and family not you. Actions speak louder than words and he while is saying that he loves you; he is choosing to stay where he is. The marriage must suit him on some level. The kids are an excuse to say "I"m happy enough where I am" but I want the benefits that you give me as a friend. Loving what you give him, validation, affection, attention or whatever, is not the same as loving you enough to make the hard choices to change his life, get a divorce and be with you. As hard as is it, and trust me it is very hard, find the strength to walk away and find someone who wants to be with you. I, too, wonder if I waited it out if things would be different but I have to remember that he chose that life and doesn't want to give it up. People with kids divorce frequently -- he's not. Also, know that if he does get a divorce some months or years from now he can seek you out...if you are still single but don't wait for him find the strength to put you first. I really am sorry for the spot you are in. It does suck. I'll be grateful when the searing pain stops, but I know that it will stop. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I initiated my D based on my 6 y/o daughter. I couldn't stand the thought of her growing up, thinking what I had with her father is what a marriage was supposed to be. I couldn't keep thinking that either. She's definitely doing better, smiles more and I feel like even our individual relationship has improved. More authentic! I think there is much opportunity for increased happiness and healthy environment with a parent that has become happy and healthy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) Keep in mind what he is giving up for the unknown aka you. yes he may really love you and be very attached but everything is in an affair setting, behind closed doors, away from "life". your family, friends, his family, friends. What he feels for you may not be enough (so it seems now) to give up everything he's known and worked hard for (kind of ironic since he risked it to begin with), to ruin his family unit as one. No way can you be friends with him, so please don't entertain thoughts that it'll happen. Yes this...... I know one MM who had an affair when his kids were that little. He made arrangements to leave, at the last minute OW couldn't go through with doing that to his kids. Their affair limped to a painful end. Very public. Fast forward after five years of a painful/faked marriage and he does meet someone else and leaves. His kids despise him 20 years later. Today, it would be a case of parental alienation. So, while there is certainly no guarantee, your ex may eventuality find happiness. Possibly at home or possibly with another after the kids are grown. Sometimes it takes people a long time (and with a lot of denial and hurt feelings along the way) to figure out what they really want. Edited January 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 It appears we have a specific set of questions related to married people in affairs, posed to such people. To wit: My question is.. how many MM/MW that fell in love with another woman/man stayed with their W or H because you shared children?? And did you regret not choosing the OW/OM in the future, or were you happy with your decision to stay?? Or if you did leave your W/H for the OW/OM.. did it have a devastating impact on your children?? Hence, productive and topical discourse will address those questions. There are other threads available, for free, to discuss other aspects of affairs and offer other opinions on affairs. This thread is for this discussion, specifically. This is a topic steering statement. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) Everything I've heard or read indicate that it's rare for a MM to leave his W for the AP, especially if there are kids in the picture. It may not be a good decision in terms of HIS happiness, but good parents will usuall put their kids' well-being first, and then look after their own. Sometimes, that means they will leave a bad marriage that could set a bad example for the kids. Sometimes, more time leads them to decide to leave, as the problems wear them down so they can make that choice. Divorce often does take a toll on children, but much depends on their age and their ongoing relationship with both parents. And sometimes despite the toll, they are still better off in the long run by not being exposed to a toxic relationship. Edited January 13, 2014 by central 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ConcreteHeart Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 My exMM could not leave his family and his children are grown. He didn't want to lose their respect and love, and he felt that being with me would ruin too many people's lives. He felt that his children would hate me, and never except me, and that my own son would never accept him either. I came to realize that you fall in love with a person who has a whole world around them that you just can compete with. His friends...what would they think? ...his family, brother and sisters...his work peers. He saw this fact way before me. I trusted him, that he was acting in not only his best interest, but mine as well. He did not want the gossip and trashtalking to hurt me either, and he was right. He had a much more level head than mine at the time. I have to say that it hurt me terribly, but we continue to find a way to be there for each other, even though the affair is over. I like him, and he likes me, so we try to do the right thing for both of us and accept that we can be friends who talk on occasion and cherish what we had once, and that's it. I'm not telling you that it is easy, but today it is...tomorrow I may long to be with him again, but then I just decide everyday to move on... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 My exMM could not leave his family and his children are grown. He didn't want to lose their respect and love, and he felt that being with me would ruin too many people's lives. He felt that his children would hate me, and never except me, and that my own son would never accept him either. I came to realize that you fall in love with a person who has a whole world around them that you just can compete with. His friends...what would they think? ...his family, brother and sisters...his work peers. He saw this fact way before me. I trusted him, that he was acting in not only his best interest, but mine as well. He did not want the gossip and trashtalking to hurt me either, and he was right. He had a much more level head than mine at the time. I have to say that it hurt me terribly, but we continue to find a way to be there for each other, even though the affair is over. I like him, and he likes me, so we try to do the right thing for both of us and accept that we can be friends who talk on occasion and cherish what we had once, and that's it. I'm not telling you that it is easy, but today it is...tomorrow I may long to be with him again, but then I just decide everyday to move on... Just curious...are you married? Link to post Share on other sites
ConcreteHeart Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Yes popcicle I am married. During my affair I convinced myself that my husband was disengaged and absent from our marriage when in actual fact, I was the one who was absent. The contact with my ExMM is limited to text only...about once every 3weeks and we have seen each other once in 9 months face to face. I know people here advocate NC but we were never able to do it and it made the situation more painful for both of us. The affair is definitely over. There is no more talk of love or a future or a fantasy ending. The reality is we both chose what was best for everyone involved. He is working on his marriage and I am in IC and working on mine. I feel like we ended this in the most compassionate way possible when two people love each other for a short period of time. It's was like a wild fire at the time. Now the love is just like a slow glow of an ember. I will always have a special place in my heart for him, but it is done. Does that mean that some days I am still confused and wish that maybe one day things could be different? Yes. I still get melancholy sometimes...I post something sad and longing on here so as to not involve him in this sadness...and then it passes. I find birthdays hard...special days of the year that have significance..but that is a life that is gone now...so I commit to moving on...everyday Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Divorce often does take a toll on children, but much depends on their age and their ongoing relationship with both parents. And sometimes despite the toll, they are still better off in the long run by not being exposed to a toxic relationship. My daughter is much better off with one happy mom than two miserable parents. I see the proof every day... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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