goumao Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I've known my wife for about 6 years, we dated for 4.5 years. We have been legally married for just over 1.5 years, and had a wedding 7 months ago. recently i caught my wife lieing and covering up where she had been, and after a bit of snooping, i was completely convinced she was having an affair. I confronted her, and faced with the ultimatum of "tell the truth" or 'i'm leaving right now', she confessed she was having an affair. according to her, its with someone i don't know (i originally suspected it might be a particular person we know), and has been going on for about 6months. I know myself that i have been busy and maybe neglected her occasionally, but its no excuse in my book. I know she cheated on her previous partner, but had assumed she had changed when she got with me. i also had no idea it was happening, until i caught her lieing. She seems very sorry about it, crying etc etc, and wants to try and move forward with the relationship. but i don't know what to believe. I am seriously considering divorcing her, but am also reluctant to give up on the relationship. what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
OpheliaSong Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Once a cheater, always a cheater is not just a bumper sticker, you know? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 you've been married a little over a year and she's "cheated on her previous partner? that's all you need to know. also, she needs to tell you exactly who this person is. if said person is in a relationship, his SO needs to know he's been cheating. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 Yeah, is **** situation. The other guy is married and has kids apparently! Link to post Share on other sites
Lokahi117 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Dude.......bro.......you had a wedding seven months ago and she has been banging this dude for six months? And that's if you believe her it's only been six months. So less than a month after your wedding, she is lying on her back, legs spread and letting Another man inside her, and you are asking what we think? I'm always an advocate for reviewing a situation for a bit, but this is one that is clear cut. She is broken. Either you accept thAt this will continue probably forever, or you leave. Simple as that I'm afraid. Good luck and stay strong. Lots and I do mean lots of other women out there. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 @Lokahi117: It is pretty sickening when you put it like that alright. You're probably right, she probably will be like this forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Expose the O/M his wife needs to be told the truth. If your wife protects him and refuse's to give you his contact info, kick her out and file immediately. Get tested, do not have unprotected sex with her until she is tested for all STD's( this would be a really bad time to get her pregnant, you don't know if your relationship will survive at this point). Test her for pregnancy, they have been in a long relationship, they are not using protection. Do they work together, if so that should change immediately, there can be no contact between them. You need to talk to a lawyer, find out your rights, you need to protect your finances, change your banking on Monday, last thing you need is her cleaning out your bank account. She is a serial cheater, your best predictor of your future together is to look at her history. The chances of your marriage surviving infidelity when it happens this early in your marriage are not good, the odds are against you. It is possible but the work involved would be huge with independent counselling on her part to find out what her root issues are that makes her seek attention from other men. If she is dating a married man you don't know, how did they meet? Do any of her girlfriends know? If so they are not friends of the marriage. Has she had him to your home? You may be able to have your marriage annulled as she started her affair one month after your wedding, talk to a lawyer. There is something very broken in her and she isn't as committed to your marriage as you are. Sorry you are going through this, it's not your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 In this case, based on her past, she is crying etc. cause she got caught and her lil word of "cake and eat it too" is about ready to crumble. You don't need to make a decision now (if you haven't already) but definitely take action as has been suggested. I've seen both sides (no, I have never cheated but have spoken to many that have) and there are any combination of things that result in these scenarios but bottom line is that she is FULLY responsible for her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 She seems very sorry about it, crying etc etc, and wants to try and move forward with the relationship. but i don't know what to believe. I am seriously considering divorcing her, but am also reluctant to give up on the relationship. what would you do? This is a no-brainer. Please don't fall for her bullsh*t tears. She's crying because you caught her, not because she regrets riding another man's dong. If you hadn't caught her, she would've been fine keeping her affair a secret. You don't have kids, you've only been married 1.5 years (six months from the wedding). Get out early. You deserve a better woman 7 Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Once a cheater, always a cheater is not just a bumper sticker, you know? This can't be further from the truth. This site is full of former WS that are here to find out why they made the poor choices they made. They have realized ho much hurt they have cause and after years still come here to help both WS and BS heal and work things out. Very often marriages become stronger after severe blows such as affairs. With counseling and proper attention issues can be dealt with and relationships repaired. Now your situation is very unique like all situations are and only know whether or not your R is worth saving. Only you know your wife's character and whether or not she is showing true remorse. Don't ask anyone here whether to stay or go. This is really no ones business and no one can really tell you. If they do, they are not being fair and are just reflecting their own prejudice and hurt, many times from being betrayed themselves. Ask other questions pertaining to affairs, tell us what she is doing to make it up to you. Tell us what she has admitted to and how she claims everything happened in terms of a timeline. Tell us what you'd be leaving behind if you walk now, such as children, house etc. Those are the things we by knowing could help you with. But only by presenting you with different options and possible outcomes. But just ignore close minded statements or generalized ideas about people who have cheated or what possible outcomes could be. No one knows and only time can tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Dude this is messed up. I believe that most relationships can be saved, but this girl didn't make it 30 days. I'm not sure this was her one and only event in the time you have been together. I think you really need to really look long and hard before you invest more time in this broad. If she got drunk and had a ONS and she confesses, then OK, she may be worth taking a chance. Her fairy-tale wedding was 7 months ago and she has been cheating for 6. I just don't see her as a long term gamble. I know that this hurts and maybe embarrassing, but better to find out now, then 5 years down the road with 2 kids. You have to out them to OM wife, both families and close friends. I think a two week separation is in order for you to consider your options. Consult with an attorney to determine your legal option and separate finances immediately. I never tell anyone to divorce based on a couple paragraphs of information, but you really need to look long and hard on this one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) Somehow I submitted before ending my statement :/ Now all that being said this is what I'll point out about your particular situation. Only married a short time yet she already cheated. It makes me believe she has a problem and if she cheated in her previous R she might have issues that can lead her to do it again and again. If you don't have kids and only been married for such a short period of time it might be a good idea to walk away now and start with a woman that has better character. There has been little investment thus far. If you don't have children with her right now I would be weary about starting a family with a person with such a background. Especially when she has failed so early on. All that being said, it is your decision, but whatever you do proceed with caution and in your case I'd dare to say that your W possibly has a problem being faithful and NO, it is not because you neglected anything! It is because she decided to cheat.... Edited January 13, 2014 by tiredofitall2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Very often marriages become stronger after severe blows such as affairs. ...more often they're destroyed or at the very least suffer permanent damage Once a cheater always a cheater is true. Once you betray someone, you can't undo the betrayal. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 ...more often they're destroyed or at the very least suffer permanent damage Once a cheater always a cheater is true. Once you betray someone, you can't undo the betrayal. I agree with most of your statement, but I don't agree that a person who has cheated will forever continue to cheat and continue their behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 She will not be honest and will not tell you who the OM is. She is a serial cheater. Dump her. Did she cheat on her last guy with you? Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I am going to assume that she cheated on her prior partner with you. So if you knew this going in, you shouldn't be surprised. We can't change people who are selfish. You have been together a while so who knows how many other affairs she had that you knew nothing about. To cheat one month after M is a deal breaker. She only owned up to it because you caught her. How much longer would it have continued had you not said anything? Does she love you? I don't beleive so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I'm usually very much for giving people second chances, but I realize writing this, that I also think you should consider how much you have at stake. I also think that you neede to consider the situation at hand. When you marry, you have typically revisited your relationship and given your future together extra some thought. One month after this thought proces, she decided to betray and disrespect you. Knowing that she has done it before doesn't strengthen her case. I must say that I wouldn't give this much thought, except how to get out as easy and cheap as possible. Don't wait untill you have kids and more shared property. And be very carefull, do not get her pregnant now. Link to post Share on other sites
peruano99 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I've known my wife for about 6 years, we dated for 4.5 years. We have been legally married for just over 1.5 years, and had a wedding 7 months ago. recently i caught my wife lieing and covering up where she had been, and after a bit of snooping, i was completely convinced she was having an affair. I confronted her, and faced with the ultimatum of "tell the truth" or 'i'm leaving right now', she confessed she was having an affair. according to her, its with someone i don't know (i originally suspected it might be a particular person we know), and has been going on for about 6months. I know myself that i have been busy and maybe neglected her occasionally, but its no excuse in my book. I know she cheated on her previous partner, but had assumed she had changed when she got with me. i also had no idea it was happening, until i caught her lieing. She seems very sorry about it, crying etc etc, and wants to try and move forward with the relationship. but i don't know what to believe. I am seriously considering divorcing her, but am also reluctant to give up on the relationship. what would you do? That's all you need to know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Be sure and let the AP wife know. She should know what is going on. Has your WW been tested for stds? If she is cheating this early in your marriage, it is time to get now. She will cheat again. Remember, past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 (edited) I suppose i was the OM in her previous although i didn't realise it for a long time. When i did realise it, she said the relationship was pretty much over. I gave her a choice, me or him, and she immedialtly (that night, within a few hours) ended her previous relationship. she had cheated before on him, and it was also a married man. its starting to sound a bit like karma at this stage. Divorce finacially is not an issue for me. We started buying an apartment with a small investment from me but is mostly money borrowed from her family. I'm not in this for money and have never considered that she should pay half to me. my own money is separated already. she has just showed me a picture of her OM, so maybe she is coming clean! I have no idea who his wife is. She has not been tested for STD's, and when i suggested it her tears and a fit of self hatrid followed. Edited January 13, 2014 by goumao typos, grammar Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 There are a variety of strategies and approaches that can be used to try to reconcile f that is what you want. However, IMO, the best thing to do once there is an A is to just cut ties and D. Later, down the road, if you both KNOW you can, in fact, have a real marriage after infidelity, you can always remarry. But honestly, I do not believe real reconciliation (as I define recovery and restoration) is possible after an A. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
miguelcervantes Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I would Expose to the OMW asap so that she has a chance to deal with him (this is the right thing to do and you will need to get details of OM and his W from your cheating wife)Dump your wife immediately - this is a no brainer given what has happened and also her track record. There is something broken in her which you cannot and should not need to repair. As for thinking about protecting your relationship - what relationship ? Wake up, you have no relationship and if you think you do, you are in la la land!Stop messing around with married women! This is not good honourable behaviour! You helped her cheat on her ex and you were just one of at least two people she was cheating with and then had to choose one of you two (probably the one she felt had the softest touch to allow her to indulge her cheating ways). Leave now! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I suppose i was the OM in her previous although i didn't realise it for a long time. When i did realise it, she said the relationship was pretty much over. I gave her a choice, me or him, and she immedialtly (that night, within a few hours) ended her previous relationship. she had cheated before on him, and it was also a married man. its starting to sound a bit like karma at this stage. Divorce finacially is not an issue for me. We started buying an apartment with a small investment from me but is mostly money borrowed from her family. I'm not in this for money and have never considered that she should pay half to me. my own money is separated already. she has just showed me a picture of her OM, so maybe she is coming clean! I have no idea who his wife is. She has not been tested for STD's, and when i suggested it her tears and a fit of self hatrid followed. I don't subscribe to "once a cheater always a cheater" for every affair. Whether reading the experiences of folks that have come here or based on those I have spoken with in the past that isn't always the case. I have seen instances where marriages have survived, taking forgiveness and hard work by both parties like you can't imagine...and of course I have seen instances where it just wasn't going to happen. It certainly sounds like your wife has a problem. Again, at this point you need to think about what is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Let's see, you have been married for 7 months and she's been cheating for 6 months out of the 7. Get out now! Considering she has cheated before with her last lover and can't even wait a year to start cheating on you. She's only crying because she is thinking about what everyone is going to say when they find out. You know, stuff like what a whore she is. Get rid of her now, she's not worth your trouble. If you don't get an anulment you will probably go through this again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I suppose i was the OM in her previous although i didn't realise it for a long time. When i did realise it, she said the relationship was pretty much over. I gave her a choice, me or him, and she immedialtly (that night, within a few hours) ended her previous relationship. she had cheated before on him, and it was also a married man. That guy probably didn't want her anymore so that's why she chose you. That was the only choice she had left. You should tell her to get out and go to the OM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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