Scott Thomas Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I feel for you: finding out that your SO betrayed you can be very devastating. By her actions, it seems that she is a serial cheater. It would take years of introspection coupled with excellent counselling, for her to mend her ways. From where I stand, you have two options: 1. File for divorce/annulment. Find another lady. 2. Help her through her recovery, spending 3-4 years visiting counsellors and wasting your time/money. Reconcile, have kids and return to this forum, complaining about her cheating again. Wouldn't take a genius to guess which option is better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LeGenDary_Man Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 her issue is that she's not marriage material. she sounds like a parasite- moving from one host to another. Umm.......lol Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 We have no kids right now, but we probably would have had in a couple of years. I know i should divorce. In a perverse way, she's done you a favour (unintentionally). You've learned, early on, who she really is and how much she can be trusted. And you've learned it before you have much in the way of shared assets, kids tying you together, or anything else that can't be undone by some fairly minor legal procedural stuff. Take it from somebody who didn't learn the truth until seven years and two kids later: GET OUT NOW. Your marriage is basically stillborn -- it barely even had a chance. That's a rotten foundation on which to build a lifelong partnership that should be based on mutual trust, respect and fidelity. You sound like a young-ish guy, which means you have your whole life ahead of you. DON'T tie yourself to that woman any more. In a few years, when you've met somebody else who is loving and loyal, you'll wonder why you even considered staying. In terms of getting out of this abortion of a marriage, buddy, right now is absolutely the easiest it's ever going to be. And it won't ever be this easy again. As I once heard a judge say to a witness who'd demonstrated that his story was complete rubbish and was nonetheless continuing to stick to it: "sir, there's an old Navajo saying: when the horse is dead, it's a good time to climb off." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) yes, yes, yes. Marriage with her was a mistake, she's obviously got problems. I obviously still care for her but I don't deserve this ****. Thank god for the seemingly random events that led to her being caught! I am still young, so is she. Time to move on. **** her! While I worked hard to provide what she wanted, she made her own bed, time to lie in it. Edited January 14, 2014 by goumao felt incomplete 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I know i should divorce. Good, now you just have to man up and do it Link to post Share on other sites
fluffball825 Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Granted she has cheated before, and even though she has admitted to this affair you're probably silently wondering if there has been others as you have been together for a while. It sounds more like you both have communication problems. If you truly love her and you want to try and make things work, you can give it a go but don't let her walk on you. what she did was horrible and you need to explain this to her, tell her exactly how it makes you feel and also explain that it's going to take a lot of time for you to trust her again. She needs to understand that you will probably be a bit snappy at times, you may be unreasonable, she may not get any love and affection from you at this time because what she did really stung. If she loves you too and this affair really was just a bad decision then she will put the effort in to do whatever she can to help you trust her again and make it up to you. If she decides sod this and she leaves at least you will know that you tried your absolute best and even though you will be hurting, it's better to feel but lose love than to never have love at all. You do need to decide if you truly love her or if you are just settling. Don't let her walk over you and remember it was a bad decision not a mistake as by calling it a mistake you're dismissing the responsibility for her. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 you are just settling. ^^^^^ This. ^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted March 25, 2014 Author Share Posted March 25, 2014 For anyone who followed my story heres a (hopefully) final update: Divorce has been finalised and am officially single. Am trying to get back on track, rebuilding my life and business etc. Lots of newly sprouted grey hairs but feel quite a bit wiser. Thanks for all the advice! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 Thanks for the update. Learn from your past mistakes and grow a strong and bright future out of your past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 For anyone who followed my story heres a (hopefully) final update: Divorce has been finalised and am officially single. Am trying to get back on track, rebuilding my life and business etc. Lots of newly sprouted grey hairs but feel quite a bit wiser. Thanks for all the advice! Congratulations on having the strength to do what is best for you! Your life will come back together quickly because you have character. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I think there are two meanings for "once a cheater, always a cheater". The obvious meaning is that a cheater will continue to have affairs because that's what they do. A serial cheater is not worth trying to reconcile with because the BS cannot cure the sickness within their WS and trying will lead to nothing but more emotional devastation. If this is the only case of cheating (that the BS knows of) I still advise divorce when there are no children involved. The pain, anger, frustration, and hard work trying to R is not worth it. Drifter, I think we kinda agree here. I've always disagreed with "once a cheater, always a cheater" and often counter with "TWICE a cheater, always a cheater". Serial cheating is an indication of who that person is. The other meaning of "once a cheater, always a cheater" is that, for many BS's, they will look at their WS and see a cheater forever. Over time it may not be the single defining characteristic of their WS, but when the BS triggers that's all he/she sees when looking at their cheating spouse. This is especially true with men because the sexual component of their wife with another man seems to be more devastating to a BH. I get your point...but this has nothing to do with the cheater themselves, and everything to do with how the BS dealt (or didn't deal) with the situation. It's not an indication of the character of the person who cheated....but rather an indication of the character of the person who was cheated ON. The WS could indeed have learned and changed...but the BS was incapable of doing so. That's not a reflection of the WS, but of the BS themselves. I've read nothing in your posts to indicate you have children with this woman. She is a serial cheater. This is a no-brainier unless you are ok sharing your wife with some number of random guys. Showing you a picture of the OM doesn't mean she is remorseful - nor is crying because she got caught. Walk away and file for divorce as soon as possible. The sooner you do this the sooner you can begin your new life. AGREED!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
10thengineerharrison Posted March 25, 2014 Share Posted March 25, 2014 I get your point...but this has nothing to do with the cheater themselves, and everything to do with how the BS dealt (or didn't deal) with the situation. It's not an indication of the character of the person who cheated....but rather an indication of the character of the person who was cheated ON. Or the marriage on which the infidelity was perpetrated. The WS could indeed have learned and changed...but the BS was incapable of doing so. That's not a reflection of the WS, but of the BS themselves. Again, or the marriage... We recovered our marriage after my W's 11-yr affair with Rat Meat. Life is good, but it's forever going to be affected by the events of the past. I didn't want to use the word "tainted" because that implies that bad memories are overwhelming the good, and that simply isn't the case. Life is just different - not quite what I expected by this time. -10th Engineer Harrison Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 Drifter, I think we kinda agree here. I've always disagreed with "once a cheater, always a cheater" and often counter with "TWICE a cheater, always a cheater". Serial cheating is an indication of who that person is. Also agree, cheating once and learning from it so as not to do it again is possible. I think the phrase should be "once a serial cheater, always a serial cheater"! Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted March 26, 2014 Author Share Posted March 26, 2014 did your wife come into money new job? Never really know someone until they have money. Money * boredom * opportunity equals cheating. My wife went out with her girlfriends to live music bars while there she met a dirty musician and the two played hide the salami. Hey what was it that you said once a cheater always a cheater, yeah actually that makes sense. My wife has been with between 150-200 guys and I will tell if it was 200 there soon be 201. she cheated with me so it stands to reason that she cheated on me. No we never really had a lot of money and ours jobs didn't change. I'll never really know why she did what she did. I suspect her LTA was for longer than she said, and I now know she's had ONS, secret dates prior to this. Because of her behaviour when married and after Dday I am pretty convinced I was married to a narcissist. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 26, 2014 Share Posted March 26, 2014 Or the marriage on which the infidelity was perpetrated. Again, or the marriage... We recovered our marriage after my W's 11-yr affair with Rat Meat. Life is good, but it's forever going to be affected by the events of the past. I didn't want to use the word "tainted" because that implies that bad memories are overwhelming the good, and that simply isn't the case. Life is just different - not quite what I expected by this time. -10th Engineer Harrison Or...the BS's 'perception' of the marriage. Again...how we perceive our spouses, or our own situations, is entirely up to us. If you can't look at your spouse again without seeing them as a cheater...that's your perception of them, colored by the past. If YOU can't recover from the past...if you let it control your perception going forward...yes, that can taint your view of the marriage. But that's a choice. How you percieve things is a CHOICE. It's not the marriage that's change, it's not your spouse that's changed...it's how you view them now that's changed. Yes, as a result of their actions...I don't argue that. But you still have the choice to remain in the marriage or not, given your new perceptions of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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