Chi townD Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Sorry dude. Don't go for a divorce, get an annulment. If you've been married for 7 months and she has been having an affair for 6 of them, then you can prove that the marriage never existed. That way you can just split your belongings and go your separate ways. No alimony...nothing. If you want to try to fix things AFTER the annulment, then that entirely up to you. But, personally, I would get that out of the way before going forward. Before the courts can deem that a marriage has, in fact, existed. Then, you're stuck paying off a cheater. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 My ex-wife told me that she had cheated on one of her previous boyfriends. I think this is interesting, looking back, because she accused me of cheating for our entire marriage. If I was 15 minutes too long at the grocery store, she would start grilling me. Only now have I begun to suspect that I was being cheated on. If I were wiser, I would have run for the hills when I found out she cheated on her ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Remember, she loved the last guy she cheated on too, she cheated on him with you. If she can do it with you she can do it to you. Get the annulment, there's nothing here but years of expensive therapy and future heartache. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I suppose i was the OM in her previous although i didn't realise it for a long time. When i did realise it, she said the relationship was pretty much over. I gave her a choice, me or him, and she immedialtly (that night, within a few hours) ended her previous relationship. she had cheated before on him, and it was also a married man. its starting to sound a bit like karma at this stage. Divorce finacially is not an issue for me. We started buying an apartment with a small investment from me but is mostly money borrowed from her family. I'm not in this for money and have never considered that she should pay half to me. my own money is separated already. she has just showed me a picture of her OM, so maybe she is coming clean! I have no idea who his wife is. She has not been tested for STD's, and when i suggested it her tears and a fit of self hatrid followed. I'm sorry, but after reading the extra detail you have given it should be pretty clear what you need to do now. If she was married before and your were her OM, then you know it is a problem she has. Karma, well..... I believe there is a system in place that we pay for our transgressions to others. Yes I do! But I'm not going to sit here pointing fingers, I think you have had a taste of what it feels like to be lied to and hurt. Now move on and make sure you never cheat either by being in a R while you are married or by being with someone who is married. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Divorce finacially is not an issue for me. We started buying an apartment with a small investment from me but is mostly money borrowed from her family. I'm not in this for money and have never considered that she should pay half to me. my own money is separated already. You have to get out of the mindset that you can't divorce because of finances. Learn the mantra, "It is just money." You will have some money in your life and you will lose some money in your life. It comes and goes and in the grand scheme of things, CANNOT be the driving force that keeps you in a bad relationship. Expose the affair to her family and stop buying the apartment. You need to be out of this relationship as it looks as though she will not be someone who will change her ways. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 If she's cheating this soon into marriage, there's something seriously wrong - with her. Dump her now before she does it again, and before you have children together (or she gets pregnant by another man). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Oh, one more thing I'd do if I were you is contact her ex and I'd apologize. I think it would bring his some closure and would be an honorable thing that will help you heal as well. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 thanks for all the advice! i know what i should do, D. is just hard. After a week of absolute hell, today, i've felt relatively calm, maybe be a lack of food and sleep catching up to me. to clarify, she wasn't married when i met her, she was in a relationship, which i found out about after falling in love etc, and then gave her the choice. In fact she had married with him briefly and swiftly divorced him! maybe she has major issues with marriage. it certainly kooks that way. @tiredofitall2 might be a good plan. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 She hid the fact that she was married while she was dating you, that should tell you all you need to know. This sounds like she is all about the chase, once caught she starts to look for a new challenge. She will never have just one man in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 If she was cheating one month in to your marriage then there's a good chance she was cheating on you before the marriage with this guy. If she cheated in her last relationship, that should have given you a heads up on the type of woman she is. No doubt the other guy thought that he was the one also and she would never cheat on him. Friend, it's time to bail out. If this is the way your marriage is in the beginning, then think of what it's going to be five or ten years from now. You got a chance to make a fresh start. Take it because I have a feeling that it's not going to get better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 thanks for all the advice! i know what i should do, D. is just hard. After a week of absolute hell, today, i've felt relatively calm, maybe be a lack of food and sleep catching up to me. to clarify, she wasn't married when i met her, she was in a relationship, which i found out about after falling in love etc, and then gave her the choice. In fact she had married with him briefly and swiftly divorced him! maybe she has major issues with marriage. it certainly kooks that way. @tiredofitall2 might be a good plan. Sorry, missed this part, I take it this happened before you met her? I still think she is only about the chase. Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted January 13, 2014 Author Share Posted January 13, 2014 no worries. yeah was before i met her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 thanks for all the advice! i know what i should do, D. is just hard. After a week of absolute hell, today, i've felt relatively calm, maybe be a lack of food and sleep catching up to me. to clarify, she wasn't married when i met her, she was in a relationship, which i found out about after falling in love etc, and then gave her the choice. In fact she had married with him briefly and swiftly divorced him! maybe she has major issues with marriage. it certainly kooks that way. @tiredofitall2 might be a good plan. Maybe the same thing happened to that guy that is happening to you now. She may have cheated on him and he swiftly divorced her! Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I am on the side of R if all the ingredients are there. But in your case there is one big thing that needs to happen. She needs to get to the bottom of her issues. She needs to change. I'd say ask yourself if you are willin to risk a relationship where she may or may not get honest and authentic? That is completely your call. You can't change her. Only she can change her. Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 The last guy I'm sure D her to regain power and keep her on the fence. Yet she cheated in him again, but it sounds as if their R was far from over. Maybe this was her last chance with him she blew it. Cheaters will usually go back to their spouse that could have been why she took some time to make a decision on that day. If it had been over long ago there would have been nothing to think about. Just speculating.... Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 Getting divorced means that you were married. An Annulment means that the marriage never existed. I think you have grounds for that. It doesn't have to be a scary thing. People get divorced all the time and then end up getting remarried. All I'm saying is get yourself untangled from her legally. After that's done, if you want to work towards reconciliation and do the whole couple's counseling thing. Then, go for it! Whatever you decided to do. Then, if you decide to ask her to marry you again, at least you'll know with time and counseling, you'll be entering into a marriage this time. So, don't let it scare you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted January 13, 2014 Share Posted January 13, 2014 I think there are two meanings for "once a cheater, always a cheater". The obvious meaning is that a cheater will continue to have affairs because that's what they do. A serial cheater is not worth trying to reconcile with because the BS cannot cure the sickness within their WS and trying will lead to nothing but more emotional devastation. If this is the only case of cheating (that the BS knows of) I still advise divorce when there are no children involved. The pain, anger, frustration, and hard work trying to R is not worth it. The other meaning of "once a cheater, always a cheater" is that, for many BS's, they will look at their WS and see a cheater forever. Over time it may not be the single defining characteristic of their WS, but when the BS triggers that's all he/she sees when looking at their cheating spouse. This is especially true with men because the sexual component of their wife with another man seems to be more devastating to a BH. I've read nothing in your posts to indicate you have children with this woman. She is a serial cheater. This is a no-brainier unless you are ok sharing your wife with some number of random guys. Showing you a picture of the OM doesn't mean she is remorseful - nor is crying because she got caught. Walk away and file for divorce as soon as possible. The sooner you do this the sooner you can begin your new life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 There is really not much to say here. 1. You have been married 7 months and she has been cheating sexually on you for 6 months. What does this say about her marriage vows? 2. She has put health at risk for STD's behind your back. 3. You know that there have been times when you were with her after she was with him. 4. She has a history of this and clearly a broken moral compass. 5. Contact the OM's spouse and inform her. ***Contact an attorney to see about an annulment. She clearly has no respect for you or your relationship. IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just_AGuy Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 My advice is - just separate for some 5-6 months. It helps to clear your mind and then you will better see what do you want to do with this. You wrote she is crying etc. But you can't stay married to person because you're sorry for her. You stay married because you want to, not because you feel sorry for someone. Listen to your heart and your mind and not her cries. Link to post Share on other sites
Just_AGuy Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 One more thing. If you planning to have kids sometime.... Can you trust her enough not to slip again? When you have kids it's way more complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 no worries. yeah was before i met her. Grow a pair of balls and file for D...none of these wishy-washy "but she's coming clean now!" excuses. Save yourself the pain of being married to a serial cheater 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 maybe she has major issues with marriage. her issue is that she's not marriage material. she sounds like a parasite- moving from one host to another. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author goumao Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 We have no kids right now, but we probably would have had in a couple of years. I know i should divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 We have no kids right now, but we probably would have had in a couple of years. I know i should divorce. Whatever you do, do not have kids with her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Leave her. She cheated. That is all you need to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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