Do i really have a choice

[dreamcatcher975]

Do i really have a choice in how my marriage turns out if my husband is so adamant about a divorce?

 

i try to remain as hopeful as possible. however every chance i get to be hopeful my H just turns me down.

 

• He's willing to go to counseling but says i shouldn't get my hopes up.
  
• I can go back to but says we will be sleeping in seperate rooms
  
• Says it's my choice to go home but doesn't want me to get hurt when things don't go down the way i expected them to.
  
• H says "do what you want" but i already told you how i feel (D)
  
• I ask him if i could have his schedule so we can go to counseling -- he gives it to me… but insists he won't have time because of other things scheduled.
  

 

He says i've always had the option of coming back but how is that possible if i'm met with such negativity?? I know in the 180 it says something about spouses negativity… and how i shouldn't let it effect me.. but how??? Is that even possible?

 

Any advice on how to block the negativity and continue to work on a marriage? I DON'T want to give up on my marriage because i feel our differences can be worked out…but at the same time i feel like i'm being forced to just give up.

[d0nnivain]

Unless he's willing to work too, you don't have a choice. You can't hold it together alone & the default goes to the one who wants out.

 

 

If he's willing to go to counseling, take him up on it so you at least know you tried.

 

 

Good luck.

[EverySunset]

has he clearly said why he wants to D?

 

Do i really have a choice in how my marriage turns out if my husband is so adamant about a divorce?

 

i try to remain as hopeful as possible. however every chance i get to be hopeful my H just turns me down.

 

• He's willing to go to counseling but says i shouldn't get my hopes up.
  
• I can go back to but says we will be sleeping in seperate rooms
  
• Says it's my choice to go home but doesn't want me to get hurt when things don't go down the way i expected them to.
  
• H says "do what you want" but i already told you how i feel (D)
  
• I ask him if i could have his schedule so we can go to counseling -- he gives it to me… but insists he won't have time because of other things scheduled.
  

He says i've always had the option of coming back but how is that possible if i'm met with such negativity?? I know in the 180 it says something about spouses negativity… and how i shouldn't let it effect me.. but how??? Is that even possible?

 

Any advice on how to block the negativity and continue to work on a marriage? I DON'T want to give up on my marriage because i feel our differences can be worked out…but at the same time i feel like i'm being forced to just give up.

[dreamcatcher975]

has he clearly said why he wants to D?

 

Somewhat. He says that he's just done with drama.. We have a hard time communicating. But he was willing to come and visit me during our separation. I don't think either of us know what to do at this point.

[strive]

He says i've always had the option of coming back but how is that possible if i'm met with such negativity??

 

I know how you feel. My ex said the same thing to me, that I'm always welcome at home after dumping me. That's such bull****. I slept next to him for a month (we still had to keep up pretense because we hadn't told our daughter then), and he even cuddled me sometimes. But he was cold all other times.

 

He's trying to keep you on a leash so that it would be easier for him to move on because he knows you're just there waiting. He's probably confused and somewhat scared because he's not sure how to move on. He needs you as his crutch.

 

Or he's forcing you into the dumper role so that he wouldn't have the burden of guilt.

[dreamcatcher975]

He's trying to keep you on a leash so that it would be easier for him to move on because he knows you're just there waiting. He's probably confused and somewhat scared because he's not sure how to move on. He needs you as his crutch.

 

I don't think he has a hard time moving on. He seems pretty confident. It hurts knowing he's so confident about everything yet here i am a big ol' emotional mess. I plan to go back though just so i can get some closure, and i'm afraid to be a big mess in front of him. We don't' have kids.. well sort of. He has kids from a previous marriage , my step kids but since i left his mother has been taking care of his kids while he goes to school/work. So i'll be sleeping in the spare room till we can get this mess sorted out. How did you handle the nights where he'd be cold? I'm sure i'd be met with that the minute he lays eyes on me. I want to display a confident and collected person not a big mess!

 

Or he's forcing you into the dumper role so that he wouldn't have the burden of guilt.

 

I have made it clear that if he wants the divorce he's going to have to file it. He hasn't yet. It's been 7 months, but recently he said he's about ready to. He says he has a lawyer but when i ask about the lawyer and info about him he won't tell me anything.

Edited January 14, 2014 by dreamcatcher975
S

[strive]

No, don't ever try to get closure from him. You'll only get more disappointed and broken. Closure should come from within, not from him. You're looking for an answer that he will NEVER give and it will just leave you frustrated and disappointed. Someone here in LS (I forgot who) said it best: "Closure is like vomit, it should come from within."

 

As for me, I was too blind thinking that we're still ok (or going to be ok) that I ignored how cold he was being. I was essentially being a doormat at that time.

 

It looks like you're adamant about him initiating the divorce. I think it's just prolonging the agony, but that's your call to make. In the meantime, start at least part of the healing process everyone here in LS preaches about. Eat healthy, hit the gym, get lots of sleep (or try to, it's hard during this stage), and pamper yourself. Love yourself and you'll find that confidence you're looking for.

 

Stay strong! We're all here for you. *hug*

[dreamcatcher975]

No, don't ever try to get closure from him. You'll only get more disappointed and broken. Closure should come from within, not from him. You're looking for an answer that he will NEVER give and it will just leave you frustrated and disappointed. Someone here in LS (I forgot who) said it best: "Closure is like vomit, it should come from within."

 

My IC suggests i get closure meaning to see if it changes anything about how my H and i interact or if we're able to work through the situation if not then head back home. I'm stuck in this weird situation where i've been separated from my H for more than 6 months but i have not received any of my belongings. He was supposedly sending them out to me but he has never done it. Which is another reason why i thinking of going back to get my things.

 

It looks like you're adamant about him initiating the divorce. I think it's just prolonging the agony, but that's your call to make. In the meantime, start at least part of the healing process everyone here in LS preaches about. Eat healthy, hit the gym, get lots of sleep (or try to, it's hard during this stage), and pamper yourself. Love yourself and you'll find that confidence you're looking for.

 

Stay strong! We're all here for you. *hug*

 

I have been doing the above. I'm happy but i feel so incomplete. I have been up countless nights trying to figure out what to do.. do i go or do i just let it be.

 

I appreciate the advice everyone on LS is giving me. Thank you

[dreamcatcher975]

I've been trying to speak to my H about the current situation at hand (me going back) but every time i call or text he's agitated and upset. He says he's annoyed with my phone calls because all we do is argue. He raises his voice starts using profanity calls me stubborn and i'm trying to be as calm as possible -- that's "us arguing". It's like he wants to start an argument. He says he isn't exactly "happy" about me going back so he's always getting worked up.

 

Any advice on how to handle a situation??

[strive]

I've been trying to speak to my H about the current situation at hand (me going back) but every time i call or text he's agitated and upset. He says he's annoyed with my phone calls because all we do is argue. He raises his voice starts using profanity calls me stubborn and i'm trying to be as calm as possible -- that's "us arguing". It's like he wants to start an argument. He says he isn't exactly "happy" about me going back so he's always getting worked up.

 

Any advice on how to handle a situation??

I'm sensing red flags here. Do you know if there's an OW?

 

This is the typical behavior of a dumper who leaves to pursue a new love interest. Basically they're annoyed because you being there is "cramping their style" which is why they treat you as a huge bother.

[oldshirt]

It takes both people to make a marriage work but only one to end it. So in that sense if he is determined to end the marriage, he can end it and for all practical purposes you will not have a choice.

[oldshirt]

Why do you want to remain married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you and treats you with such coldness and disregard?

 

How much longer are you going to keep charging this windmill?

[MsOptimist]

Honestly, no I don't think you have a choice given how he's been treating you. I agree with oldshirt - have enough respect for yourself to not choose to be with someone who is stringing you along with only a thread of hope (that seems to be dwindling). I would bet that he's either seeing someone else or wanting to see someone else.

 

You do have a choice as to how you move forward. Get your things, file for divorce, and tell him that you will not live in this limbo any longer. You deserve better. It seems like he has made up his mind and is reluctant to pull the final trigger. Pull it for him and gain some control.

[oldshirt]

Honestly, no I don't think you have a choice given how he's been treating you. I agree with oldshirt - have enough respect for yourself to not choose to be with someone who is stringing you along with only a thread of hope (that seems to be dwindling). I would bet that he's either seeing someone else or wanting to see someone else.

 

You do have a choice as to how you move forward. Get your things, file for divorce, and tell him that you will not live in this limbo any longer. You deserve better. It seems like he has made up his mind and is reluctant to pull the final trigger. Pull it for him and gain some control.

 

^^^^^^^^ yup ^^^^^^^^^^ this ^^^^^^^^^^^

 

I'm guessing you are living on some fond memories from days gone by and are hoping that you can regain some of those fun times again. You are not accepting the reality of the present yet. .....it's probably close though.

 

In a short period of time you will realize that living like 'this' is worse than being on your own and that 'this' is how it is going to be. (Actually it's likely to further deteriorate and be worse as time goes on)

 

It's all about hope really. In time your hope for reliving good times with your husband again will shift to having hope for a new future and new adventures. When that happens you will realize you have more hope in the new future scenario than you have hope for good times with your husband.

 

That's when you'll realize you are better off on your own than settling for the chicken-feed he is throwing at you.